[possum220]

Shops, Offices, Hospitals, Churches, my t and P'docs offices, Auditoriums. Mostly places where there are people. Its been happening for years. My neck just goes from side to side. Nothing seems to help.

I had to get groceries today and my neck was moving from side to side. Makes it hard to find things on the shelves. I think I should be used to it by now, but I am not. (I have tried to ground myself but it just isnt enough).Then my brain decided to start shutting down. So then I can't think or move. Everything freezes then it lets go, then freezes, and lets go and I just have to get home. Brain blanks. It is so frustrating and scary.

Today a complete stranger came up to me and asked me if I was okay. I wasn't, even though it was kind of her to ask.

I ask myself if this kind of stuff will ever be over. I just don't know.

[Claritytoo]

At one point I was having full blown panic attacks once a week over apparently nothing. This went on for months. Prior I was having panic attacks but on a smaller scale. I didn't know they were panic attacks at the time I just thought I was going to die, go insane or both. Once I found out they were panic attacks and that I had been having them for over a decade just on a smaller scale, I decided to take anti anxiety medication and an antidepressant. It took about a month but I haven't had to go to the hospital or pray for it to stop in over 5 years. I don't take a lot of medication. But it helped me so I am not triggered be things I wasn't aware triggered me. I still get anxiety, I don't like to be in crowds and will sometimes stay in to avoid contact with people. But I don't think I am going crazy or going to die anymore. I can make it through the supermarket without walking away from my basket of food and just going home. I don't know if you see a therapist or take medication. I just wanted to let you know that there are ways to get peace of mind and function in the world and sometimes medication helps. I hope you feel better.

[innocentjoy]

I used to not be able to go into stores because I couldn't focus and felt like I was too vulnerable if someone decided to attack me or something happened that I needed to be 'there'.

My counselor suggested a few different things, like bringing someone I trust with me to go shopping, to keep me present, and who could reassure me. If I'm distracted by something interesting to talk about with a friend I trust, it's harder for me to lose it.

Another suggestion was to go when there was no one in the store (like a 24 hour store) and just buy a couple things, and slowly work up to buying more at the quiet time, and then slowly make it so I was going there at busier times. Does it help if you go places where a lot of staff know your name? I always feel like if something were to happen, they'd be more willing to help me if they knew who I was ans saw me often, than if I was just another nameless customer.

I would talk with your t and see what options they come up with. It sounds like you're going through life with a high fear response. That would be something important to discuss with your t.

good luck!
IJ

[possum220]

Thanks Claritytoo. I am on Klonolpin 4mg and 100mg of Seroquel at night. Then in the morning I take 100mg of Pristiq. I have been on Klonolpin forever that I don't think its that effective anymore. I am seeing my P'doc in a couple of hours so I might ask him again.

Hi innocentjoy. Maybe shopping at night would be easier as there aren't so many people around so I will see if that makes it any better. When my body is doing something else I dont feel like I am panicking, My emotions are hardwired back to the physical for the most part.

I know I am avoiding a lot of events - missing out on life - because I am where I am at.

Life is so overwhelming. No wonder my brain is having dummy spits.

[possum220]

My P'doc mentioned today that it would be good if I could shop at a quieter time of the day, so I will see how that goes. Today I was just so angry and frustrated with many things. My P'doc said it would be healthier if I could try and develop a different attitude. He wasn't trying to minimise how things are.

I get stuck on thinking how I should better and should cope differently. It basically boils down to not accepting my mental illness. Even my p'doc wrote in some letter recently that I was severely disabled because of my mental illness.

So as I left the clinic today I started to laugh. I have a mental illness. Kept on laughing because I have a mental illness and that explains why things happen the way the do. It explains a whole lot. And I kept on laughing.

I am mentally ill. There I said it. I confessed it. I can be mentally unhinged at times. But I will keep on rowing this boat. I will do my best at rowing and I will take time out when I need to.

[innocentjoy]

It's so difficult to deal with things when you get into the "should"s instead if the "are"s. When you are able to fully accept where you are in life, you can work with that to move forward. When you're so focused on how you should be able to do x,y, and z, you don't have nearly as much time, let along energy to find solutions to make it work.

I'm glad your t didn't minimize anything. And I'm glad you're able to state it so clearly. It's not a BAD thing, it's not anybody's fault, it just is.

Once I was able to accept that my life was 'on pause' while I learned to cope and deal with issues, I was able to start having compassion for myself. It really was hard for me to go out in public, go to crowded places, or noisy ones, etc. It was much harder than it used to be and it was much harder for me than many other people found it. Once I was able to admit the fact, I was able to slowly start talking myself through smaller situations, and was able to give myself the credit that was so overdue whenever I was able to do something that seemed little to me...because it was such a big deal.

A few things that helped with social anxiety: Always having an escape plan. I would make sure I had a ride away from whatever store or situation, and that I was not dependent on waiting for the event or shopping to be finished before I could leave. I drive, so I started bringing my car with me everywhere, and not offering rides, unless someone was ready to leave the second I was.
Along with escape plans, i carried (and still do sometimes) a safety bag. I have things for me to do to calm myself down. A book in case I have to wait anywhere and need to be distracted from my surroundings, a water bottle, so that I can sip away at something, and have my hands have omsehting to do, decreasing anxiety. Fidget toys, food if I was worried about blood sugar, and anything else to have on hand if you need it.

A support. If it was really difficult to go somewhere, like a gathering, I'd plan out who I was going to stick next to during the event, making it less scary for me. If I knew I was too overwhelmed I'd bring along a support to go shopping with me. I'd make sure it was someone who would understand if I needed to bail, and who would either be fine continuing on their own, or happy to leave with me at a moments notice. If no one was with me, I would sometimes text a friend, just to have some contact with someone who likes me for who I am.

I knew where all the bathrooms were so that I could have a few moments of peace to breathe, away from people, if I ever needed it. Then I could keep going if all I needed was a break.

I also slowed down my expectations of things. I learned that you have to go somewhere quite a few times before you feel comfortable there. Given my anxiety, I added a few times. I knew that it was going to be difficult. So instead of trying to get myself to 'buy groceries for the week' I would attempt to last 5 mins (or ten or two, or just make it to the parking lot) there. I realized that these smaller chunks were more doable, and everytime I succeeded at one, it was a step forward. Any time spent somewhere was a success, instead of focusing on the fact that I left. I focused on the fact that I went, or I tried. Eventually places did become more relaxed, and I was able to feel comfortable at certain places. And if the parking lot at the grocery store looks full and I'm not 100% feeling like I can handle it, I still turn away, go somehwere else or go back at a later time. Instead of seeing that as a failure, I look at it as me looking after myself.

K, that's a lot of rambling. I hope things start to become more smooth for you. Even if you're feeling like this now, it doens't mean you will always feel like this. I hope you can look at your successes and be proud of them. Laughing at the mental illness is something to be proud of, it is a success. The fact that you keep rowing your boat is amazing. It shows strength, courage and success. Good for you!
xoxo
IJ

[possum220]

Thank you innocentjoy for sharing. Its so much easier to be kinder to others at times than we are with ourselves. I will try and be kinder to my other parts. To me.

Even in the last day or so my feeling have changed. Last night's dream was particularly focused on my differences. Also my sister asked me to make more food for Christmas and I was afraid. First time at her place in decades, normally they go some place else. So this year she is having heaps of people.

So I know I can go outside to breathe if I need to. Too bad if my voice changes or my neck kicks off again. I have a car if I need to leave.

I know my niece will be there. Life doesn't stop. But hope like you, I can have some compassion on myself instead of beating myself with a stick.

Maybe i can make oars of compassion in my boat of mental illness along the river of life.

Then again, if I make mistakes along the way, there is always tomorrow.

[innocentjoy]

Originally Posted by possum220

Thank you innocentjoy for sharing. Its so much easier to be kinder to others at times than we are with ourselves. I will try and be kinder to my other parts. To me.

Even in the last day or so my feeling have changed. Last night's dream was particularly focused on my differences. Also my sister asked me to make more food for Christmas and I was afraid. First time at her place in decades, normally they go some place else. So this year she is having heaps of people.

So I know I can go outside to breathe if I need to. Too bad if my voice changes or my neck kicks off again. I have a car if I need to leave.

I know my niece will be there. Life doesn't stop. But hope like you, I can have some compassion on myself instead of beating myself with a stick.

Maybe i can make oars of compassion in my boat of mental illness along the river of life.

Then again, if I make mistakes along the way, there is always tomorrow.

HUGS
It is always more difficult to have compassion for ourselves. Just remember you are breaking through a lot of barriers to be able to do these things right now. And that is okay.

I'm going to a group right now and the focus is accepting that mistakes will happen, that things won't be perfect. To actually expect that they will happen, not because I've done anything wrong, but because that is what always happens. So instead of dreading or worrying about times when I can't be as great at things, I can plan for it, and know that it doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong, just that I'm learning to navigate life. it's like when you meditate you know that your mind will wander, so you just learn to gently guide it back. In life I know I will make mistakes or do/say things that are hard for me. So I am learning to gently guide myself back. I dont' need to tell myself I shouldn't have done something, and berate myself if I get to that point. I just know that I am not where I wish to be, and guide back towards it.

It sounds like you have a good idea of what you need for the holidays. Are you close with your niece? Can you offer to spend some time arranging trays in the ktichen so you don't have to spend all the time around people? Can you park in a place where you can easily drive out without having to ask other people to move? Can you go for a walk around the block with someone you're close to, to pace the get together? There's all sorts of things you can do to make it more manageable for you. And the more you set in place, the more you can feel proud that you are taking responsibility for caring for yourself. That in itself is compassion. It can be very empowering to finally take control over situations like that

[possum220]

I know there will be heaps of things to do. So I will do my best to keep busy.

Today I went shopping at a quieter time in the day. If my head wasn't attached I swear I would have lost it some place. I tried to be tell myself there was a reason for it, as in my mental illness. I am still agitated now.

It has to get better. Or not. Ay carrumba...............