[Eva1nder]

I am so frustrated. SERIOUSLY

You may see me in chat and might think hmmm she's pretty funny OR you may come in and say wow she's way hyper and weird.

OR I may not be talking at all.

The first 2 is to keep my sanity and just makes me feel better.

The latter is I am "on a down" and just want company.

I am realizing I think what my real problems are, which are Did and depersonalization along with add from around 7 years old.

Along the way in my life because of life circumstances I have symptoms (i think) and other dx, which are bipolar, anxiety, major depressive disorder, bpd & ocd tendencies, which they've termed it to name a few.

I felt like I was on the right track though with knowing at least the first of my issues and starting there.

Went to my pdoc & T to discuss this and they agreed.

I decided to talk to my b/f about it and was a little hyper and it was one of those rare times I was able to express myself well and really describe what my problems were and what I was feeling.

PROBLEM was was that after I talked to him. He was like hmmmm this is like Deja Vu cuz you had this exact conversation with me months ago right down to explaining what happened to you at age 7 and blah blah and blah.

I'm like are u kidding me????

I have big issues with not remembering stuff. It BOTHERS me.

So very quickly I wracked my brain to see if I could remember any bit of having this conversation with him. I can't ... not at all.

So is this again one of those times that I'm having conversations & having absolutely NO recollection???

So I'm now having anxiety ... NOT to mention of I just told him.

Basically I have nothing to me. It's like I'm blank. Everything falls away from me and I have nothing.

I can't focus....everything is going chhhhhhhh.

I can't think. Nothing means anything. I just basically think about that I have no reality and that was what I was explaing to him is one of my problems that if I think too long about my existence ...things start to "alter".

Then I really start to think about all of "ME" and what a huge MESS I really really am and Holy Shi*

That's it.

I am completely freaking, but trying not to at the same time b/c I don't think i'd come back from this.

DOES ANYBODY GET THIS FOR REAL?????

I'm dead serious.

I've been thinking and thinking about this recently and I know i'm having a slide downwards and I've been TRYING to take an active approach before it happens, which my T said that was progress, but for some reason I feel like I'm seeing how BIG this abyss really is and it's just very clear that it's swallowing me and much bigger and it's all of me and nothing of what I was and what I might have thought I was is left.

I'm rambling and panicking as I'm talking.

Eva1nder,

First, take a deep breath and try to relax.

Second, you are too something, so try not to go there as it will not serve you well.

Unfortunately, everything you are describing is typical of dissociative disorders. Here, this is from the Sidran website...

http://www.sidran.org/didbr.html

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF A DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER?

People with Dissociative Disorders may experience any of the following: depression, mood swings, suicidal tendencies, sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking), panic attacks and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to stimuli or "triggers"), alcohol and drug abuse, compulsions and rituals, psychotic-like symptoms (including auditory and visual hallucinations), and eating disorders. In addition, individuals with Dissociative Disorders can experience headaches, amnesias, time loss, trances, and "out of body experiences." Some people with Dissociative Disorders have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and even violence (both self-inflicted and outwardly directed).

Fortunately, people here can relate to what you are saying.

I know you like to read. Have you read any personal accounts of DID? I believe that might help you, if not for anything else but to not feel alone.

Maybe your bf would understand what's going on if he read about it? That might help you not stress so much.

Take care of you, that's first and foremost. I'm glad you are talking to T and p-doc about this.

[nothemama8]

always remember here you are not alone
hugs if you want them {{{{{{ Eva}}}}}}}

[Eva1nder]

ty Petunia for noting all that information b/c it's very clear cut for me and it fits.

Maybe reading will help, but I think what would ReALLY help is somebody who has gone or who is going through something similar.

I can tell you I could care less what my b/f thinks or any body "normal" or "typical" thinks. I don't care what the "real" world thinks b/c I'm so far from it.

I'm so far detached from it.

I have an extremely hard time with any kind of intimacy or any closeness from anyone really, but online any support I can get is extremely, happily & so much appreciated.

It really helps from the simplest hug.

Ty.

(((((nothemama)))))))

(((((petunia))))))))

[LILITH]

Eva Wonder.... I understand where you are coming from. To me, it very frustrating having said the same thing over and over and not remembering it. You are not alone here..

[Eva1nder]

Ty Lilith ...saying things and forgetting them isn't really what it feels like. It's as if it wasn't mine to have been forgotten to begin with if you will.

Many ppl say things and forget them. Like they will even tell you something and you will say "you told me that already" and they just say "oh ok" no biggie.

I myself have done that a little bit, but not too often. I don't find my friends saying that to me too much.

I'm having a conversation like this one or even waiting on answers or even something I don't even know about and then this "turning" up in a conversation to realize that I had had it.

I have absolutely no connection to it. I have no recollection of it at all. Sometimes even the answers, responses & topic I won't know it.

One time I was waiting for my sister to return a phone call and let me know if she wanted to go in on a b'day gift for my other sister.

I never heard from her. So closer to my sisters b'day I happened to be with that sister and I had asked her "what did you decide to get (our sister) for her b'day?" She's like "Uh ...we talked about this...We are going in together" I'm like "you never returned my phone call" She's like "yes I did...we talked all about and you explained everything you bought and blah blah blah."

I didn't believe her, but then my brother in law said "I hate to say this, but I happened to be there when she was on the phone w/you (Eva) and you guys did discuss this"

I was totally freaked. I had absolutely no recognition of this conversation happening.

It's not just about this ...yes this "jars" me ...I mean really does. I actually questioned it that night...like is that normal?

I'm also saying that I feel like I'm slipping downward b/c I feel like all I have is this mental illness left of me.

any part of me that wasn't is gone.

I feel like I'm scrambling b/c I don't even talk this much about how I'm feeling.

Oh anyways thanks for listening.

I wanted to know if ppl felt like that and had any input.

Ty

[wanttoheal]

Hi Eva,
I'm sorry you are struggling. That sort of thing happens to me all the time but it's more that it frustrates the other party and they get irritated at me... and usually that is what I struggle with, their irritation with me for not knowing what they are talking about and wondering why they are so angry at me and then feeling bad because they are irritated.

My T gave me a response to tell them and I usually use that when they get irritated with me. It's simply that I am doing the best I can and I'm sorry I do not remember. Would you mind telling me again? Then it's on their plate.

Simply said, you are doing the best you can. If this has always happened, it won't change over night. If this is a new occurance, maybe you could go talk to a dr and see if there are any other underlying things that are making it happen?

I wish you the best as you figure out things.
Take care.

[Eva1nder]

Hi want

I'm sorry that you are struggling with ppl that are insensitive to your situation, which I guess they don't see the full picture obviously cuz that's just what it is- yours. It's what you deal with. Not them.

So what that they have to?

But me saying that doesn't change that fact. I hope that things get better for you.

I on the other hand don't care about their reaction what so ever and that might be a little about what I've been through or it might be part of my depersonatization ( a lack of "feeling") *shrugs* not sure.

I've been trying desperately since I've found out my main problem is I have a dissociate disorder for help, but in my area it seems there isn't any.

It's frustrating and part of the problem.

Thanks for your input.

Take care

Hang here with us Eva.

[January]

((((((((((((((( Eva ))))))))))))))

I don't know everything that you are going through. I do know what's it's like to have conversations and not remember them at all. It's scary and confusing.

Something that I do know for sure is your heart. You are a wonderful person, full of all the best things in the world. I wish I had some concrete answers for you, but I don't. I can tell you that the greatest darkness comes just before dawn. Please hang in there and keep working. Even if it looks like you're not making progress, keep working with your t and pdoc.

If you need me, send a pm. I'm here for you.

Love and hugs,

Jan

[Eva1nder]

Ty Petunia & January

Big hugs

(((((Evander))))

[Eva1nder]

Ty ((((Rainbowzz))))

I'm changing the subject line.

[Eva1nder]

Oh I'm something alright.. lol

A real dewsy.

Btw Petunia...not that this pertains to this, but there is a barnes and noble book club.

Some books I have read are listed on there and I know there was 2 you told me about. The one from Wally Lamb was there.

You might be interested.

I'm interested in reading the Road less traveled after checking out the board there. Not sure if you've read that.

Anyways ty

[Gemstone]

((((( Eva1nder )))))))

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((( eva )))))))))))

[Eva1nder]

Ty ((((( Gemstone )))))) & (((((( silver ))))))))

I like getting cyber hugs as I'm not so comfortable getting them.

Also, it feels as if someone is aware how I'm feeling and doesn't have to say anything, but that they care.

People here don't.

Thanks it really helps.

Changing the subject line again...

[jlove973]

[Eva1nder]

Ty Petunia

Oh I love that heart jlove ... ty *big hugs*

[January]

(((((((((((((( Eva )))))))))))))))))))))

[Eva1nder]

(((((((((( January )))))))))))))

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((Eva)))))))))))))))))) I like this subject line much better.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Eva )))))))))))))))))