[lifelies]

*trigger warning?*
I hate the stupid cat, i think he got flies and i don't want fleas on me it's so disgusting and mother won't take care of him jus like she don't take care of us!!!! it's not even my cat i wish i could make him disappear i'm so sick of him WHY DOESN'T HE DIE ALREADY he's not even mine and he's not even healthy he's full of illnesses and i don't want him to live such an horrible life i rather have him dead and that's it i'm going to tell mother and screw the cattttt it's horrible how everything itches if i have fleas everybody's going to hate me and i'm going to end up bald just like the cat i hate this i hate this i never had so much trouble come out of such a stupid animal!!
christine

[Gr3tta]

I don't have anything special to say, i just wanted to checkin. Hello.

[kaliope]

so i ordered these dresses off a website i have never used before. it was an ad off of facebook. i had ordered four, one for an event coming up in may. i placed the order on the 12th. i got a package today with three dresses in it. only one was the dress i ordered for the event, two others i didnt recognize. when i got home i went to view my order on the website. it verifed i didnt order the two dresses but when i scrolled down i saw a second order that was placed, actually a first order placed on the 4th. for the very same dress and three others. i have absolutely no recollection of placing this order. one of the dresses i would have never ordered. the other i kind of like. this really bothers me that somebody went shopping.

Finally feeling sober and clean minded. Looking forward to a fresh start for the rest of our lives.

[kaliope]

so today i am taking part in pinwheels for prevention. in all my years of working at my agency i have never done this. we go to the state legislature and cover the lawn with pinwheels to bring attention to child abuse. i feel like it will be an emotional thing for me. i hope it doesnt trigger us.

[TheFuZZieONE]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Finally feeling sober and clean minded. Looking forward to a fresh start for the rest of our lives.

Good job alwayschanging2!!

Since I recently quit drinking I know how difficult it can be. It's like saying goodbye to part of yourself! But I feel you'll be better for it in the long run. I'm here for you if you ever need any support. Having MI and drinking can cause all sorts of problems. I say this because I KNOW!! ;-)

[TheFuZZieONE]

Originally Posted by kaliope

so today i am taking part in pinwheels for prevention. in all my years of working at my agency i have never done this. we go to the state legislature and cover the lawn with pinwheels to bring attention to child abuse. i feel like it will be an emotional thing for me. i hope it doesnt trigger us.

Wow Kaliope,

That sounds awesome! I wish I were more involved in the community like that. I signed up to volunteer at the local hospital, but they haven't called me back. Guess no one wants even my free labor. Lol :'(

[Gr3tta]

I feel completely out of it today. Switchy, dissociative, unreal. Im glad i habe T today. I hope it will help.

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by TheFuZZieONE

Wow Kaliope,

That sounds awesome! I wish I were more involved in the community like that. I signed up to volunteer at the local hospital, but they haven't called me back. Guess no one wants even my free labor. Lol :'(

see if there is a food bank in your area........our food bank is always short of volunteers........were DESPERATE!

it was interesting listening to the speeches today, about keeping kids safe. the chief justice, who is quite the inspiration, who i have heard speak on a number of occasions and she always makes me feel inadequate as a social worker because i feel content focusing on change in my own little corner of the world, she gave quite the speech repeating the mantra of no more child abuse, having us yell it over and over. she talked about all the kids who have died as a result of abuse, yada yada yada........but i sat there and thought and considered my life of abuse and the knowledge i have of the system that is in place to protect children. part of my job is to work in tandem with this system. my colleages work with this system. I know enough of this system to know that it would not have done anything to protect me from the abuse i had suffered. nobody today talked about the devastating consequences. nobody talked about how ill i am as a result of this abuse and there is no system in place that would have protected me, now or then. that made me sad.

[Patagonia]

Morning All,
Haven't been around for awhile which sometimes I take as a good sign...but I still think about you all & hope you're hanging in!
Parts have been pushy lately. Making waves. I don't concentrate on it a lot anymore bec I don't have a T so I feel free.
This part that is angry & sulky comes out & makes life for others here at home very difficult. It's hard to just think of staying in the present....only focus on what's going on now instead of how things can b different.
My sexy alter ego is still here having a blast. Luv her!

[Gr3tta]

I stood up for myself in a way i don't usually. I feel good about this.

[kaliope]

so last thurs i was leaving a coworkers office and i turned to walk out and ran smack into my intern. he is a big guy and i just face planted into his chest. this triggered something horribly bad and i just held myself up with the wall and couldnt breathe. i managed to get out to my car when the panic attack hit. i compartmentalized it and finished my day before i had an hour break and had to teach class. but it didnt happen because i completely lost it. it felt as if my head cracked open and my world shattered to a million pieces. i could not function. i could not think to pass on the info for someone else to teach. it was a worse decompensation than when i was committed against my will. t talked to my alters and it was a little that freaked out.

last night i was sitting on the couch watching tv. i suddenly get this horrible feeling in my head, a feeling as if i just majorly lost it and was having a breakdown, but it was distant and remote, it wasnt me. it was someone inside me which led to a panic attack again feeling more internal than from me.

i am scared that my alters are all having breakdowns and what does this mean for me?

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by kaliope

so last thurs i was leaving a coworkers office and i turned to walk out and ran smack into my intern. he is a big guy and i just face planted into his chest. this triggered something horribly bad and i just held myself up with the wall and couldnt breathe. i managed to get out to my car when the panic attack hit. i compartmentalized it and finished my day before i had an hour break and had to teach class. but it didnt happen because i completely lost it. it felt as if my head cracked open and my world shattered to a million pieces. i could not function. i could not think to pass on the info for someone else to teach. it was a worse decompensation than when i was committed against my will. t talked to my alters and it was a little that freaked out.

last night i was sitting on the couch watching tv. i suddenly get this horrible feeling in my head, a feeling as if i just majorly lost it and was having a breakdown, but it was distant and remote, it wasnt me. it was someone inside me which led to a panic attack again feeling more internal than from me.

i am scared that my alters are all having breakdowns and what does this mean for me?

I am sorry to hear you are going through so much. I think you have to find a way to get grounded so the others feel safe. When I am disociative or having an anxiety some of my parts think the world is coming to an end so they reacte in ways that creats more anxiety. I used ice the other night. I don't always remember to ground but my thoughts were bad and that scared me, than I remember to ask for help, and I used ice. I hope thing get better.

[kaliope]

i tried talking to them last night, to see who broke down, but nobody would talk to me. it was like talking to a brick wall. it made me think it was somebody that hasnt identified themselves yet. it was just complete radio silence. maybe i could journal now and get something. im in the middle of another panic attack brought on for "no identifiable reason". i took two clonopin and still feel like a load of bricks is on my chest but at least my head isnt going to explode any more.

I was feeling overwhelmed yesterday by all this. I'm still struggling with the reality of all this, swinging from one extreme to another. I've been doing a lot of reading, and I'm good at absorbing the person's feelings and projecting them as my own which causes inner conflict and confusion. There's parts of me that just wants to drop all this calling it mentally exhausting, make believe, faking, waste of time, over whelming, mentally taxing, tiring, not necessary, etc. It causes feelings of doubt and hopelessness that leads me into depression.

I feel like the most disgusting person who ever lived

I'm sitting in Pdoc office. First visit, deciding if to totally come clean about everything, not just for the bipolar. I'm nervous. I hate discussing me. I've always been a mystery, as told.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

I stood up for myself in a way i don't usually. I feel good about this.

I am glad you are feeling good about yourself. Congrats.

[Gr3tta]

Had a horrible incident in which a part panicked and ran. I was gone over night. My wife is so angry and hurt.

I almost cried at the new Pdoc visit. I came clean about everything. She wants to help me, she hooking me up with a therapy treatment team.

[Claritytoo]

Since I have known about my DID I haven't dated. It was a lot to take in and I was also struggling with how I realized my presence in the world. That was five or more years ago. The other day I met someone. She is kind, gentle, intelligent, spiritual, (not in a religious way), just someone I would like to get to know. But than today someone close to me can't come over next weekend because her husband will be at work........... What...... So because he can't make it she is expected to not go......... AND she doesn't go............ I absolutely have no cognitive understanding of that behavior. She wants to come over but is expected not to because her husband can't come......... because he will be at work........ so she will just stay at home alone for the entire day until he gets home.......... when she could have spent the afternoon with family and friends........ What the hell is that???? I am not capable of what ever that is. So now I am thinking I should wait a little longer before dating again. Just wanted to get that out.

[wheredidthepartygo]

it was a crazy day... family blowup that's been looming for months finally hit and my mom flipped **** going on about how she wasn't going to let us make her feel guilty
sorry excuse me but YOU traumatized US so piss off

So far so well. Just about got myself convinced that this isn't all real again and I shouldn't be wasting everyone's time, especially mine, or at least that's what one keeps telling me.

[StillIRise]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

So far so well. Just about got myself convinced that this isn't all real again and I shouldn't be wasting everyone's time, especially mine, or at least that's what one keeps telling me.

I can relate to this so much. I am totally stuck in that place of denial and thinking more and more that it's not even denial, I'm fine, I don't need to be wasting everyone's time like this because I AM FINE.

[Gr3tta]

My head is SO LOUD today!