Originally Posted by Gr3tta

I still dont know how to explain myself to people when i want to share.

People don't believe me and look at me like I'm crazy. I get the feeling that they want to see a circus show.

I just told my pdoc and she stared at me the whole time I blurted it out, but she was understanding and didn't say a negative thing.

[kaliope]

im supposed to write in my journal everyday and i havent. i better write today or i think t might get upset with me.

Originally Posted by kaliope

im supposed to write in my journal everyday and i havent. i better write today or i think t might get upset with me.

Thank you. Me 2. I usually write it in the morning for the previous day because that's when I remember. I think I'll set an alarm on ths iPad!

[Flipping Frames]

It's hard to tell people about what is happening with us. We never know how they will react.

THE DOCTOR

We told our doctor about MPD

He then questioned us with apparent glee

"I'm a little confused, who are you now?"

Jock wanted to come out and fix him-POW!

"Can you have three husbands, instead of one?"

Should Jock hit him now or wait 'til he's done?

"I'm scared, are the other two dangerous?"

Anger is building-some are quite furious

He thinks that MPD is just a joke

We feel like Jock should have taken a poke

by the Army in Cherry

[kaliope]

i had a great appt with t today!

I'm inwardly fighting. I'm going through a round of hate for my partner. It flares up, and there's a list of resentments. I keep telling myself to settle down and that no good is going to come of this. But no one wants to listen, they just want to scream it out there.

[Kiya]

I'm not "losing time" more... i'm just losing memory of what I'm supposed to be doing. I missed two classes because I had no idea I was even in them :/ Course, I'm supposed to let Pnurse know if "anything else happens", but now I'm afraid to - I had no idea she could control so much of my life.... and now that that IS known, others are acting out because "I'm not allowed to tell anymore" because of that very control Pnurse now has.
That's not even what I was going to post.... I have no idea what I was going to post when I came in here originally. or maybe it was? I have no idea. I hope I didn't have more than one thing to do today, because I sure don't remember it if I did. I'm kinda in an "oh well!" point I guess. I hope I know what I'm doing tomorrow LOL :/
I don't even want to keep my appointments with my providers because I don't know what to tell them anymore and they don't know what to do with "me". In fact, my last 2 providers (neurologist and physical therapist), I didn't tell them I'm DID. Just that I have a dissociative disorder and a long trauma history. It gets too confusing. Tho I almost swapped out today with the PT but she could see the fear in my eyes and talked me through what would have been a panic attack/swap out/meltdown. Good to have someone on my side. The neuro, not so much. I'm not planning on telling him since I think he'd just think i'm nuts. :P

[Gr3tta]

I just had a scary t appointmen. :0

[lucidity11]

I used to journal but i get a lot of anxiety and feelings of fear if i go back and read. Most of it i don't remember writing. Some of it i do recall thinking but don't know why. I have been thinking about journaling but it might be too scary right now

We've been arguing about real or fake. When will it end???

Looked in mirror and freaked. I can see why it's so easy to not be seen.

[kaliope]

gosh, i was coming here to say what a ****ed day this has been starting with a major panic attack with t and then complete hostile energy at work regarding an employee screwup and trying to get three evaluations done in a short amount of time when one person is explaining things repeatedly when told all i want is a number and another dissapearing from the office three differnt times i said lets get started. i because so frustrated and anxious for one i just shut it down, said i was done and reached into my file cabinet for two clonopin. then later in the evening i walked out of class without saying goodbye to anyone.

but i can see everybody seems to be struggling right now. glad i am in good company.

[Flipping Frames]

I don't know what to do. Should I remain despite the anxiety, or should I withdraw to be alone again?

[Willowtrees]

Trying to grapple with some eating disorder urges. Havent given in to them yet. Our roommate/ex/boyfriend said some really nasty things yesterday. Not sure how hed fix that one. Willow wants to move away from him again now, but its hard when youre on SSI. the waitlists for housing are up to 3 years. Starting to wonder why we even moved up here. Feeling really depressed. Were in IOP but I cant tell if its helping. Not as if we can talk about our DID there.

[kaliope]

tears were tyhe only consistent part of my day. how do i know if it is me, or she, the one who wanst so to die that is inhabiting my body now? i am just so overwhlemed with the longing, the burning desire for death, just slip away. oh the relief, the happiness, the estacy. i feel i should tell someone, email t, contact a friend. but wouldnt it be better if no one knows??? my little secret.....

[Kiya]

i'd say tell t... and prepare to safety plan.

Originally Posted by kaliope

tears were tyhe only consistent part of my day. how do i know if it is me, or she, the one who wanst so to die that is inhabiting my body now? i am just so overwhlemed with the longing, the burning desire for death, just slip away. oh the relief, the happiness, the estacy. i feel i should tell someone, email t, contact a friend. but wouldnt it be better if no one knows??? my little secret.....

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((WillowTrees))))))))))))))
I totally get the housing waitlist thing. I'm on several.... 3-6 years. and again I say

We're at a point of faking again. We're too much in a hole. Being real like has helped, but hindered also. If I was me, myself and I with everyone else, nothing would matter. But the kid has got me rooked.

[kaliope]

last night was bad. it is not often that my alters take over and there was a brief time that it seemed they were switching left and right. it was total chaos. i am just melancholy today.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by kaliope

tears were tyhe only consistent part of my day. how do i know if it is me, or she, the one who wanst so to die that is inhabiting my body now? i am just so overwhlemed with the longing, the burning desire for death, just slip away. oh the relief, the happiness, the estacy. i feel i should tell someone, email t, contact a friend. but wouldnt it be better if no one knows??? my little secret.....

I think you are depressed. Maybe you have a part that is depressed and that part is partially in control. That means you have some consciousnesses with that part and that is good. All the feelings the tears the thinking of dieing as though that will end the pain, are signs of depression. A week or so back I was depressed but didn't know it because I have trouble identifying my emotions. Someone on this site told me it was depression that I was experiencing. Just knowing that gave me relief. I thought I was going insane but I was only feeling depression. Maybe that is what is happening with you. Maybe if you ask your system who is feeling depressed and tell them this feeling will pass. Maybe the part will start to feel better. I did exactly that and it helped. We didn't feel like things were out of control. It took a day or two but we got back to functioning with out thoughts of suicide or feeling suffocated. Talk to your system. They are there to help you. That is why we created them. Also I think it is important that you talk to your t or a close friend about how you are feeling. You will feel better and you will be asking yourself how come you were having such thoughts. Everyone goes through this DID or not. Feel better.

[kaliope]

thanks clarity. i am on an antidepressant. i know which part it is. her name is maggie. she has wanted to die for a long time. she does not come out much anymore. thursday was a really hard day at work with the negative energy all about and i think it took its toll on me. then i had another who says really negative stuff about how i deserve to die. He was out too. and i was thinking i should tell, but the littles took over and were going on and on about it being a secret and we have to keep secrets or we will be hurt. i tried journaling with them to find out what was going on and some pretty horrific mean stuff towards me came out. i havent been through this kind of "take over" since i have been diagnosed. i now know what t is talking about now when i talked about going off the deep end and being insane as it really being the DID in action. i see her in about an hour and there is still a part of me that feels like i should keep this whole episode a secret. maybe my fear of being committed. though she as explained again and again that she is committed to never doing that to me. so maybe i will try journaling some now and see if anything more constructive comes out to share. thanks and have a good day everybody.

[Kiya]

We almost had a med mutiny this morning... I won.

[Fuzzybear]

[lifelies]

move baby, move baby, i'm in love

Depression setting in. Jobless, penniless, ulcer flaring up. Guys are staying out dealing with pain and mood. The girls well just end up crying.

[kaliope]

we have caught the office bug that is going around. it is a really harsh virus. cold and flu. most everybody have had it for five days or more. i have pdoc on wednesday and trying to figure out if i should cancel. i dont mind going cutiefied but it is inconsiderate to pass these germs on.