Originally Posted by StillIRise

I can relate to this so much. I am totally stuck in that place of denial and thinking more and more that it's not even denial, I'm fine, I don't need to be wasting everyone's time like this because I AM FINE.

Omg, I wish! It's an alter that wants to mess with us. That's DID, to hide it and make it unreal, to appear normal and keep it hidden! It's like I snap out of it every couple of hours. If anybody knew what I know...

I'm me but not then he then she, but still not me but no one.

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Since I have known about my DID I haven't dated. It was a lot to take in and I was also struggling with how I realized my presence in the world. That was five or more years ago. The other day I met someone. She is kind, gentle, intelligent, spiritual, (not in a religious way), just someone I would like to get to know. But than today someone close to me can't come over next weekend because her husband will be at work........... What...... So because he can't make it she is expected to not go......... AND she doesn't go............ I absolutely have no cognitive understanding of that behavior. She wants to come over but is expected not to because her husband can't come......... because he will be at work........ so she will just stay at home alone for the entire day until he gets home.......... when she could have spent the afternoon with family and friends........ What the hell is that???? I am not capable of what ever that is. So now I am thinking I should wait a little longer before dating again. Just wanted to get that out.

i stay alone because of this too. i cant even remember how long i have been alone-over ten years. but i complied like this too, to make life easier, to avoid conflict in the relationship, to be accepted. now i enjoy my freedom too much to every get trapped like that again. oh how i just laughed as i wrote that.........how so funny. enjoy my freedom when my little has me agoraphobic and wont let me go anywhere because she is "protecting" me from "bad people". but at least in my home i am free to do as i please. LOL

How can one date? Hi! I'm Julie Suzy Frank Bob Karen...

[kaliope]

LOL................i dont even want to review my relationships to see how that played out.............

[Flipping Frames]

I had difficulty with acceptance too. I began to journal, but my journal entries were always in rhyme. This was one of my first ones:

NOT I

I was feeling so stressed and had hurt for so long

That I went to get help--I knew something was wrong

My children, it seemed, had been abused by my dad

Clearly I had been too. I was angry and sad

But I couldn't see how, it just wasn't possible

That a person like I could be a multiple

My husband was talking about our family's life

The pain in my heart was like a sharp knife

I thought to myself 'this is just a bad dream'

Then I had an abreaction and heard myself scream

by Cherry

My mood today includes anxiety and depression.

[kaliope]

ive read your poems in creative corner. i like them very much

My others have vowed that when ever denial creeps in, they're going to make it quite clear what reality really is, lol. It's been funny so far!

[Flipping Frames]

Originally Posted by kaliope

ive read your poems in creative corner. i like them very much

Thank you Kaliope.

I'm not suppose to have these problems!!!!!!!!

It doesn't match my physique!!!!

It can't be me, out of millions of people!!!!

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE I'M A MENTAL PATIENT. I'm not even suppose to be bipolar!

I look to good to be mentally ill. I can't see another personality inhabiting this body, but it does it no justice! I look like I can rip your fingers off, not plant daisies on the hill side! Wtf.

Not feeling it.

[Gr3tta]

(((((my littles))))) how strong and creative they have always been.

[Flipping Frames]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I'm not suppose to have these problems!!!!!!!!

It doesn't match my physique!!!!

It can't be me, out of millions of people!!!!

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE I'M A MENTAL PATIENT. I'm not even suppose to be bipolar!

I look to good to be mentally ill. I can't see another personality inhabiting this body, but it does it no justice! I look like I can rip your fingers off, not plant daisies on the hill side! Wtf.

Not feeling it.

None of us are supposed to be like this. We are though. We did the best we could under impossible conditions. We understand how you feel because we all feel that way at times. I've had over 20 years to accept the we in me. Just hang in there. (((((((AlwaysChanging2)))))))

[kaliope]

so yesterday at t, she was talking to a little. really pushing for memories of what happened. my little was trying to dissociate in trance. didnt want to be there or answer all these questions. t kept pushing for details. i kept seeing the face of my abuser. i went to work and my whole day canceled on me and i was killing time waiting for my 4 oclock appt. i felt my little getting really angry inside, so mad she was ready to explode. so i started writing so she could express how she felt. she was mad at t for making her talk about that stuff, she doesnt want to remember. she wrote she was so mad that it made her sick. and suddenly i became very ill. my head was spiining and i wanted to puke. i was totally lost. i had to cancel the client i was waiting all day for. i was in and out driving home and almost got into an accident. i felt like ****. my head was pounding. today is no better. i just overall feel like crap. i called in sick and stayed in bed half the day and didnt want to get out. i dont know how to get to feeling better. has this happened to anyone else. getting physically ill from an upset little?

One night, on an imagined dare from some disbeliever (in my head) I relived a littles trauma,

Possible trigger:

it was a flaming red swollen sore that was oozing and bleeding

..l ended up depersonalizing all over the freeway trying to keep it together that night, crying and seeing the image for several days. I ended up in the hospital

Possible trigger:

with cut up arms, alcohol poisoning and suicidal tendencies

. I was in for 2 weeks. Nvr again.

Everything has settled down. No crazy alter action.

[Aardwolf]

We're pretty stable for the moment..

[kaliope]

part(s) of me dont want to go see t tomorrow. we are mad at her for what she did and mad she didnt tell us what could happen and mad about the pictures that keep popping in my head from what she made us remember. we dont understand why we have to remember all this. why cant we just move forward?

My partner is starting to believe in me because it really bothers me and I've been outwardly dealing with it for awhile now. This doesn't change much though, we're still getting a divorce.

[kaliope]

im sorry things are difficult for you right now

Told my other sister about my condition, she sorta freaked out and hung up on me. It didn't help that 3 of us talked to her either. Oh well. Like she's got it hard.

[kaliope]

my appt with t went well. she is understanding that we are mad. she says next time we do something like that she will come in on a friday, he day off so that i have the weekend to recover and not have to miss work if i get sick again.

[Aardwolf]

Chaos today - So confused

[Gr3tta]

I still dont know how to explain myself to people when i want to share.

[kaliope]

i understand that gretta. i am pretty open about my MI with anybody. i dont care if people know i am bipolar or ptsd or agoraphobic, anxiety, panic attacks, but having alters???? i barely accept it myself. only a handful of people know. i dont even think i have told my boss, who is a great friend but i dont want her thinking that i may be switching when working with clients.

I was feeling like a bear for 2 days, now I don't know. Unsure

OMG, I feel so ick. Got sick, sinus headache, sore throat, lost voice.

I just a pulled a calf muscle trying to turn over in bed! Ugggg! I'm awake now. Drinking me a hot cup of coffee.