[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

Why try at all? Sometimes it feels it is no use. I often wonder if anyone had to walk a mile in my shoes, live through what I lived through and struggle with daily would they?

The words you didn't do this to yourself or cause what happened seem often contradictory. Maybe those words are true, but the only one trying so hard to fix this broken self is me. For I am the only one that can but how does one do that when life was broken from the start? The only one responsible for those within's actions is me, even though I don't know what often takes place, somewhere it is all me, known or not.

And I wonder if I am worthy of fixing, because I am too broken and too much for anyone to keep walking, caring, or even trying. And I am really sorry for that, because I don't mean to be or try to be. I am just broken, missing too many pieces; pieces that never seemed to even exist but pieces that should have been important.

I didn't ask to get broked......and I'm sorry..........

With all I have, I am really sorry........

I see my state of DID as strength. That I wanted to survive and was unwilling to break. You didn't break. Making parts was you surviving, was you saying NO. Now that you are older the system/parts you created to save you, need to be freed from the present and allowed to return to the past. The memories they have need to return to the time they are from and not cause distress in the present. So like all of us with DID we have to slowly undo the barriers we created to survive. The barriers to emotional pain, physical pain and the pain of memories. I have discussed this with my parts. At this point in time we are all moving in the same direction. It wasn't always that way. What has helped us to work together is the original reason for our creation, survival. We still want to survive. And we want to live out our life in the present. We want to all feel our life, and if that means that we have to struggle to get there, we are fine with that. You are all strong, and you are all smart, and you will make the journey back to the present. You are a survivor.

[Gr3tta]

Dps this is how i feel all the time. Im sorry. *hugs*

[kaliope]

dps, i am sorry you are in so much pain. for so long i felt so shattered and fragmented. i had all these pieces of me that i referred to as the puzzle of my life and wondered if i had all the parts to put it back together again and if it was even worth it. i had no idea what it even looked like. i was such a mess. i think the turning point was finding my current t who specializes in trauma and DID. she has given me hope that this will all come together. she is helping me make sense of where all the pieces fit. i know it is going to take time, but each session, i get a little bit closer.

i mentioned before that i got this book that had an exercise in it to get to know your parts. so in my mania i turned it into a full on project. i got a binder and colored paper and stickers and dividers and note paper and each part has their own section where they have introduced themselves and told their story and have a place to journal. we have drawn a picture of our safe place and a system map of how we all fit together. now i am going to write a letter to each of them. i am interested to see how they respond. my t loves the project because she gets to learn about them because they really dont like talking to her. lol.

I feel the same way DPS. I'm later in life and it's like what's the point? But I also see that my thoughts changes depending on who's up front and/or my bipolar mood swings, because I'm always changing my mind and perspective on things. I try so very hard to not focus inward on myself because I'm my most worse enemy, I beat myself up just fine. So don't be so hard on yourself deary and just focus on the better that it can be.

Last night Steven was swearing he was taking over and no one can come up front. I got my feelings hurt so I wasn't going to come out anymore because of it, but we talked about it and realized with him running the show all the time it's going to suck. He's a real stick in the mud- doom and gloom, while I'm light hearted and like to have fun. We can't be doing that to ourselves. For public relations, he's the worst so we need to work on a partnership.

I drank so much that I don't EVEN want to touch the stuff today. Thank God. I've been looking for an opportunity to take a break. I just need one night off to kick off the run!

[TheFuZZieONE]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Awww. All we can do is try. I've tried and tried but no one will hire me

Only way I can get work is to put an ad in the paper and take clients. This time of year it sux. The phone rings after Mardi Gras is over.

Alwayschanging2, do you mind if I ask you what you do for work? I'm only asking cause I'm thinking of going back to school for psychology and becoming a therapist.

[TheFuZZieONE]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I'm considering ditching my present pdoc and going back to the clinic I was in. At least there I was able to hook up with a therapist. They also charge on a sliding scale and I got free meds. As of now, I can't afford another doctor visit let alone more pills. I can be the next pet project of some aspiring to be super psychologist. I can be the subject of some paper. I don't care.

Alwayschanging2,

I swear I think/hope for the same thing. Most therapists know little to nothing about DID and are really uncomfortable treating me. My hope is some therapist will want to LEARN from me and/work together. I've found so far with my therapy I'M doing all the work. I'M telling the therapist about DID and how its treated. This is partly why I'm thinking of majoring in psychology. I'm planning on doing my own therapy. Lol. Maybe one of my identities can become a therapist and teach all the other identities to be sane. Lol.

That being said, when I become s therapist I plan to specialize in personality disorders and will share any knowledge freely with anyone who cares. If you were in California I'd be your therapist for dirt cheap. The last thing I want is for someone to suffer like I do just because they don't have the money. I'm not majoring in psychology to make money that's for sure!!

[TheFuZZieONE]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

1 of my alters is telling me they want to post a poem that she wrote.

but i really don't want her too.. not only because she's young but because the rest of us feel that it's not the right time- not all of us feel safe posting here

apart from that, no sleep, and another really difficult night.

Shattered Sanity,

Funny you wrote that. I don't feel safe posting here either, but I do it anyways. It makes me feel a lot better. It works better than therapy in my opinion.

[Fuzzybear]

[TheFuZZieONE]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

Why try at all? Sometimes it feels it is no use. I often wonder if anyone had to walk a mile in my shoes, live through what I lived through and struggle with daily would they?

The words you didn't do this to yourself or cause what happened seem often contradictory. Maybe those words are true, but the only one trying so hard to fix this broken self is me. For I am the only one that can but how does one do that when life was broken from the start? The only one responsible for those within's actions is me, even though I don't know what often takes place, somewhere it is all me, known or not.

And I wonder if I am worthy of fixing, because I am too broken and too much for anyone to keep walking, caring, or even trying. And I am really sorry for that, because I don't mean to be or try to be. I am just broken, missing too many pieces; pieces that never seemed to even exist but pieces that should have been important.

I didn't ask to get broked......and I'm sorry..........

With all I have, I am really sorry........

DPS,

What if I say your not broken. What if I

DPS,

What if I said you're not broken. What if I told you you're just different. All your identities combine to make a whole person. You don't need to be fixed. None of us on this forum do. As another already said, we are survivors. Each one of us survived abuse that was most likely instigated by someone who was broken. Abusers are broken people. We are the ones who refuse to break no matter how bad it was/gets. Take pride in how far you've come. Its OK to be sad. I just finished crying like a baby. But I put that personality back where it belongs cause I need to be productive today.

Just do me a favor and try not to think of yourself as broken. We have a right to life even if we don't act perfectly normal to society standards.

I just said a little prayer that God would put a lil peace in your heart

Hope you feel better soon.

[TheFuZZieONE]

Originally Posted by Miako

I was discharged from my therapist last Friday because I'd reached my 12 session limit (That's just how it works in my area of the UK). I'm not handling it well. Feeling lost and unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just wish the next therapist's waiting list isn't 3 months like the last one!

Miako,

Unfortunately most insurance's in the U.S. work the same and there's a 12 session limit. The thing with DID is it usually takes more than 12 sessions to get the bottom of everything. The good thing is you can find therapy out-of-pocket for relatively cheap ($80 a session). But even that can get expensive after a while no matter what your income is.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by TheFuZZieONE

Miako,

Unfortunately most insurance's in the U.S. work the same and there's a 12 session limit. The thing with DID is it usually takes more than 12 sessions to get the bottom of everything. The good thing is you can find therapy out-of-pocket for relatively cheap ($80 a session). But even that can get expensive after a while no matter what your income is.

Im sorry to disagree but most USA states do not have a "cap" on how many sessions a person can have in the USA thanks to the new obama care law. for example the typical medicaid (state) insurance plan here in New york is that each person is covered for 52 (once a week ) sessions foe mental health, then should the client need more the therapist just needs to fill out a form to the insurance plan and their number of sessions will be extended if needed.

Had an in system take over last night. An alter was forcing in. He had a crappy attitude. The shock is now over and we can breathe easy. We were so tense.

[kaliope]

i have been having a lot of intrusive thoughts and t seems to think it is someone in the system is feeling unsafe. like i walk from my car to my apt door and the visual runs through my mind of somebody running up behind me and shoving me through my door and attacking me. this morning, i woke up and the first thought/visual i had was a man in riot gear running toward me in attack mode. and there is this overwhelming paranoia that i am going to get in trouble. does this happen to anybody else? is t right about someone in the system feeling unsafe? or is it just ptsd? or am i just a weirdo?

Originally Posted by kaliope

i have been having a lot of intrusive thoughts and t seems to think it is someone in the system is feeling unsafe. like i walk from my car to my apt door and the visual runs through my mind of somebody running up behind me and shoving me through my door and attacking me. this morning, i woke up and the first thought/visual i had was a man in riot gear running toward me in attack mode. and there is this overwhelming paranoia that i am going to get in trouble. does this happen to anybody else? is t right about someone in the system feeling unsafe? or is it just ptsd? or am i just a weirdo?

Omg I go though that! I always thought that I had an overly vivid imagination, but it feels more like torment now that I'm thinking about it. It's an over whelming feeling from no where, because I'm not fearful, just being bothered with it because it's not what I feel, but it's there.

Feelng extremely emotional today. I'm craving loving compassionate touch of someone who cares. Just feeling lonely in the wrong life, wrong body, wrong world. I feel like a slave to the physical. This too shall pass.

[Patagonia]

((((((((hugs everyone))))))))

[kaliope]

had a good session with t today. i was worried about how it would go because i felt we were in a catch 22 with some of the system being on board with this process and some of them hating the way she did therapy and i feared in telling her, she would respond in exactlly the way it bothered them. she took it very well and didnt do what i expected her to do which was nice for us all.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by kaliope

had a good session with t today. i was worried about how it would go because i felt we were in a catch 22 with some of the system being on board with this process and some of them hating the way she did therapy and i feared in telling her, she would respond in exactlly the way it bothered them. she took it very well and didnt do what i expected her to do which was nice for us all.

Good job, saying what you needed to say and having your t respect your concerns. Well done

[likewater]

Up feels down, right feels left. My skin doesn't feel like my own. My fingernails feel like someone else's. I want to rip my skin off and get out of this body bc it hurts and it's extremely uncomfortable because it's not mine. I want to hurt whoever did this to me.

I had drunk sex with my partner who I'm divorcing. Things got really weird today. Stupid sex addicts.

[kaliope]

so i went to a board meeting last night....we were reading the minutes for approval from the meeting last month,,,,,there was a whole paragraph on a presentation i made regarding the newsletter i put together and direction for submission, etc.........i dont remember a thing...........i wonder who was there?

[Claritytoo]

Just saw my son. I don't think he would ever miss me. I don't think he cares at all. It hurts me so. I was a good mom when he was growing up. Everytime I see him I am reminded of how much he don't care. It breaks my heart.

Partner doesn't understand how I can be a Jeckyll/Hyde.