[Lady Lindsey]

Right now, I just don't want to have DID, part of the time I think I made all this up in my head, but why?

Why am I like this? Why can't I get over this? What is wrong with me??? Why can't I just be normal???

I don't want to have DID! I don't want to think I have it, I don't want to discuss it, I just want it all to go away!

I am tired, I am just tired of it all....

Why did I ever go to therapy to begin with????

Now I am stuck in a mess... I just want it all to go away, I don't want to remember, I don't need to remember, I just need to get over this and move on... I really really think this sucks!

I don't like being me... whoever me is.....

I am not grandiose about this... I hide it, I don't want others to see it, I don't want them to see how crazy I am... I don't act out, I just don't want this, I just want it to go away and leave me alone.... why can't I just believe my life was normal... yup I had a normal life.. no big deal... I don't want to think about the past... yet I can't stop thinking about it... it haunts my dreams, my showers, my drives home.... I want it all to go away...

I don't want DID.... I don't think I have DID, maybe I am just crazy..... I hate this, I hate myself, I hate DID... I hate the acronym, I hate the word... besides half of the world doesn't believe in the diagnosis anyway.... I just want it all to go away.... I didn't ask for this...

I hate myself..

[StillIRise]

Lady Lindsey,

You've just said everything I've been wanting to say for a few months! I totally feel the same way and I'm sorry you do too

I want it all to go away, I don't want the label, I hate the label... T tells me it's nothing to be ashamed of and in fact it's something that let me survive in the best way possible, that it was adaptive and a normal response to an abnormal situation. I don't care, I still don't want it. I wish he'd take the diagnosis back...

Anyway, really feeling your pain.

[Claritytoo]

When I was first diagnosed I felt relief. I thought I was crazy, At some points I thought I might actually be going insane and would be forever hospitalized. I thought of taking my life. My behavior was at times compulsive. when I got angry I could reach a point where I was capable of assaulting someone, I would go months with out a drink than suddenly be drinking every evening. And not enjoying it.Than the panic attacks out of no where. Two, three, four times a week. I found myself praying to a god I don't believe in, to help me. I was at times consumed by fear, anxiety, panic, I had headaches and memory loss. Than my alters started popping out at work, around friends and family. It felt like I was losing the effort to be in the world. A close friend said I was dissociating. I researched the word and there I was. All the times when I would see myself, when I felt unable to stop risky behavior, the constant cross talk in my brain. When I was eventually diagnosed with DID I felt relief, I realized I wasn't losing my mind, I wasn't crazy and I wasn't the only one experiencing this. I went back and forth being greatful for the diagnosis and regreting I every sought help. But I believe I am alive today because I know I have a diagnosis that can be helped and that at some point I or we can be at peace with who I or we are. There are still parts of me who will shout out and say we are not DID and that all of this is ******** but than one of us will point out that the one saying this is a part. He knows he is a part so he quiets down and we move on.
It is a lot to take in but there was no dening that the DID discription was what fit what was happening in my head. Acknowledged their presence was the beginning of being comfortable with the diagnosis. I hope things work out for you.

[(JD)]

Coping with any disorder has it's difficulties, for sure.

Dissociative Identity Disorder in itself reveals something traumatic to you occurred (not saying it would be traumatic to everyone...and for others it may have been too much and they would have died!)

Consider your brain's ability to segment, split off, create another personality to cope, as a gift? I know that's hard to do... but keep telling yourself how intelligent an act this was!

You are alive because of your ability to block off the trauma...and keep living.

Now comes the hard work of training your brain that you don't need the protection anymore, that you are ready to analyze the trauma and dispense with the divisions created.

[Lady Lindsey]

Thank you for your responses. I wish I was at the end of this... I am not newly diagnosed with this, this... thing...

I was originally dx'd in 1999, at the time it was really controversial, I was angry at my T at the time, but he encouraged, acting out, he encouraged giving names to the other parts of myself... I don't like calling them alters, because they are all me, the same but different... they are me but are not....grrrr
I saw this T for 4 years, he used very controversial therapy and EMDR, I absolutely refuse to ever, ever use EMDR again, He pushed me so hard I was constantly in crisis... my husband at first was so supportive, but things never seemed to get better, they continually got worse.... then My T decides he wants to move to Florida... by this time I was seeing him 3 times a week, I felt like I was his dog and pony show and his treatment methods left me more and more dependent on him... he finally asked if I would move to Florida to finish my treatment... that's when things slapped me in the face... I flew to Florida once for an extended 3 hour session.... and when I told him I would not leave my family to finish treatment with him, I had a job a husband, and children, I wasn't leaving them behind, to continue living in chaos.

He was upset with me and said "fine" then we are done, here are 5 names I would recommend you see one of them... and we were done... my little parts of me were devastated.... I interviewed 4 of them, and all made me uncomfortable, I tried the last name on the list and found the most amazing T .... downfall 133 mile round trip once a week. He was completely different from my first t but both of them were psychologists

but they were as different as night and day..... the 2nd T could see how much of a crisis I was in and put me on "sick" leave from work for 6 weeks. I only saw him once a week and we worked a little at a time.... he helped me figure some stuff out without asking for names or expecting a dog and pony show.... he was really great! But after a year of seeing him, I guess my husband had had enough of my DID, he literally had a breakdown in a joint therapy session and was admitted for 72hours..... Shortly after that I quit my Job, my hubby insisted I quit, I had a great job making a good salary, but I quit... only two weeks later to find out my hubby had been cheating on me for a year... I kinda understood... he had lost his wife and there was always a little coloring in the bedroom and he was great with my little ones... but he needed a companion, not another child/children to raise....

I went into crisis mode.... He left me, I confronted the women, cut all the cell phones off, bank accounts etc, and called her husband and gave her a lot more to worry about then my husband... I got a good lawyer, told my therapist I needed a break for a while... created a special part of me just for hubby.... and after about a month, he moved back home and I worked very hard to pull my family and marriage back together... After all I became "my husbands wife" and "my children's mother"... that was it.. I went into lock down, I took all my journals, drawings etc and burned them all..... then I took all my toys and stuffed animals (except one special bear my hubby had given me.. but I hid him).... and I told my husband I was better, I had integrated and I was totally devoted to him and the kids and noting else... for 5 years... I did nothing else but be his wife and my children's mother, every time my husband would say another of my names... I would tell him they were all me, and I didn't' have DID any longer.... I completely locked it all down.... I put all my selves in a locked room in my head, except my three voices... and spent 5 years trying to convince him I was normal... I refused to admit to him or myself I had DID,
After 5 years, we financially needed me to get a job... I quickly moved up the corporate ladder, after all I have a part of myself that only thinks about her career and is excellent at it.. it didn't matter that I didn't remember work when I was home... I just kept denying I had DID every time my husband would say one of my names, I told him I didn't have DID any longer and I was fully just one person.... finally he began to believe me.... we started having a 'normal' life.. the kids grew up and life was okay, I just hid everything so well, even from myself

Then I got shot... a hunting accident, my hubby shot me...in the head with a shotgun and no it was a terrible accident... not on purpose...... and then my life unraveled... the DID that I had refused to admit, kicked in to save my life, because my husband and best friend lost it, when I got shot.. if I was going to make it I had to stay conscious long enough before I got Help.... after I was life flighted... I couldn't fight it any longer... DID kicked in to help save my life once again, but this time, I didn't split... I guess because I had others who already had the pieces of survival mode.....

I still denied my DID, but sought out therapy from someone who dealt with PTSD due to my shooting, I made sure I researched and researched until I found someone who was so evidence based she would not believe in a DID diagnosis. So when I told her my original DX, of course it didn't go over well and she said she didn't see it in me.... after 1 1/2 years of seeing her... and the mess my selves made of that and me making no progress... Because of course I was in denial of my DID, even though I had voices in my head, and my protection parts of me kicked in to save my life... I wanted someone to tell me I didn't have the DX......but the different parts of myself kept interfering with therapy, and it ended disastrous... finally I called back my old T... I talked to him for a long time.. he is a great psychologist, and by the end of the conversation, I knew there was no way I could deny my DX... he referred my to a different psychologist because he is retiring.... and so far it has been ok... this psychologist also dx'd me with DID, so that is 3 Psychologists who dx'd me with DID... No denying it any longer.. but after suppressing other parts of myself for so long... they were a weee bit mad at me .. things have settled down and I admit most of the time I have DID, but I am tired and I don't want to have this... I just want to be one person, with one thought process and not have to ask myself where I am or what I am doing, I am tired of loosing time... although I did this the whole time I was in denial... I understand that denial is part of the DX, but this just sucks..

Sorry for the long ramble... but that is my story, I don't want to have DID, I have it and I have to admit I did, but in doing so, I have to slowly unravel why I have it, and I just don't want to deal with it..

but I promised myself two things when through the grace of God, I am still alive... I would not wait any longer to do the things I wanted to do, so I got braces and barrel race my horses and bought the house we had always wanted and I am moving forward with my life...
The 2nd was to get mentally healthy.... man that was a big one.. why I chose that one is beyond me...
I work hard every week on this, but half the time I still don't want this nightmare I call me.. I don't want to have DID, because the life I think I had growing up is not the life I really had... I am frightened to delve deeper.. even though I know what happened, I don't...
If you have DID that makes sense if not, then It sounds silly...

Sorry for the long ramble....

Guess I am just saying, I know I have it, but it makes it no less easier to admit having it... because in doing so, my happy childhood growing up shatters and the truth is coming out and I just want it all to go away!

[Claritytoo]

I think I have been seeing my t for seven years. We have only gotten so far because when it comes to remembering what happened we feel to much fear and my protector come out. I also have a part who denies we have DID but he comes out when we start to push to remember the trauma. His denial of our dx is his effort to protect us from the trauma memory and distract us from trying to remember. It took me three years to understand that. Now when he yells out "it's bull sh^^" I explain that if he is here than we have DID. He sorta gets that and grumps away. Sometimes I am tired, exhausted by all the conversation in my head. I find that doing something I love like, exercise, soccer, painting, relieves me of all the cross talk because we are focused. Everyone gets a break and so do I. Find something, a hobby that you love and take a break from all the internal chaos. You will feel better and so will they.
It's has the same effect of working but without the stress of deadlines. I used to work two to three jobs for the past thirty years. It kept me in the world and less in my head. Now I like to paint. In fact I think we all do. Take care.

Right now, I just don't want to have DID, part of the time I think I made all this up in my head, but why?

Why am I like this? Why can't I get over this? What is wrong with me??? Why can't I just be normal???

Im sorry sweety. I've been thinking that a lot lately myself: My heads just making it all up. I'm pretending, I'm acting, I'm just a costume.

It's a hard hand to play. I've straight up denied it for so many years. Only problem is, it never went away like I hoped it would. Now Im in face to face crisis mode.
It feels like I'm losing grips with sanity. Even reality has taken a skip or two.

I hope that you find your healing as much as I wish it on me. It sounds like you have a beautiful place. Oh how lucky you are.