[TheFuZZieONE]

Well, I've been actively reading everyone's posts and trying to reply, but the system wont publish them until I post more new threads. Or at least that's what I believe is wrong. Ugh. It's so frustrating! I understand they want to make sure I'm not spam or anything, but I'm just so excited to start communicating with other people like me!

I really don't have much to say at this moment, except I'm about to go to bed and I'm quite sure my alter will take over soon. She takes me over every night without fail for the past year now. Does anyone else have this issue? I'm thinking about trying a sleep medication in order to get myself into a deep sleep quicker. It's my thought that she takes over in that in-between state of asleep and awake. In my Google search I have found some interesting articles on something called "Sleep DID" which I believe I clearly have. What I do is way more profound than mere sleep walking or sleep talking.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and feel the sleep issue may be connected to that as well. I often jump out of bed in the middle of the night with a huge rush of adrenaline and ready to fight, but what I'm fighting I couldn't tell you. Does anyone know of a good sleeping pill that won't make me too drowsy in the mornings? I have to wake up no later than 7am to take my son to school in the mornings, and need to be able to get up. Over sleeping is my biggest concern with a sleeping pill. I'm currently taking Lexapro 10mg for my PTSD.

I recently started hearing voices in my head, and I've read that's a good sign. The thing is they don't sound like anything special. It sounds like background noise mostly. Like I'm at a grocery store with my eyes closed. I can hear things going on around me in my head that are not really happening. I'm not sure if they are hallucinations, or just my alter hearing with her regular ears and I just happen to pick up on it sometimes.

I don't talk about these issues with anyone really. I'm afraid people would either think I'm crazy or just making it up. I'm even careful what I tell my therapist/psychiatrist because I don't want them thinking I'm schizophrenic or anything. When I came clean to a therapist and told her my whole story, she just told me I was delusional and needed medication or I wouldn't get better. She said she thought I had FTD or Formal Thought Disorder. Blah! I figured out what was wrong with me on my own. DID is what made the most sense, and I've been doing most of the work in my recovery by myself.

When I told my therapist I thought I had DID, she looked puzzled and surprised and said she couldn't help me. She said she would see me for a few more sessions, but that was it. I BASICALLY GOT A TWO WEEKS NOTICE FROM A THERAPIST. Lol. It was really sad actually. I believe it was then that Emo Jen took over for a while, and I just laid in bed and cried for days. I poured my heart out to my therapist and told her all my little secrets, and she rejected me mainly because she never had a client like me.

I think at least one of my personalities is a teenage girl. She came about when I experienced some extreme sexual trauma at age 18. I think I did such a good job of repressing everything back then, that the repressed trauma ended up forming it's own personality who wasn't able to mature with the rest of me. Unfortunately, she now takes over and reeks havoc on my life with her risky behavior and rebellious ways.

The most disturbing of all my alters is a Jen who I think is a straight up sociopath. She will lie. cheat and steal in order to get her way. And her favorite past time? It's tormenting me!! She is trying to drive me crazy. My favorite personality is my inner comedienne. She is hilarious and the flashes of memory I get from when she takes over are laugh out loud funny. Now I never seen it, but when I was in the hospital after my near fatal accident, my mom said I was straight up acting like I was six years old again. She said she has not seen me act like that since I was a little girl and it sort of freaked her out a bit. If the six year old was in fact and alter, I never use her anymore unless I'm dying.

The interesting thing is all my personalities are me. They are all 32 year old women named Jen. That's what I think led my disorder go undetected for years. I only realized it when my sociopath and inner teenager started disrupting my life, and I knew something was not right about me. I would say and do things 100% out of line with my normal behavior and not understand why. It wasn't until I started researching my symptoms that I found DID was a perfect match for my issues.

Anyway, I hope I'm not boring anyone with my long drawn out post here. As I said in an earlier thread, I'm new to this site and am still learning the ropes. I do know that I need to post at least five times in order to get full privileges of this site, so be expecting to read a lot more from me! I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed use in this site, but if it's allowed I'll tell ya'll anything. I'm truly an open book and will give you all the gory details. After all I been through, and after what my alters have put me through, I have no shame ;-)









1

In fact, I have a link on my profile to the blog I created where I tell my story in full detail if anyone is interested. Also, please exuse any typos from my first post. I did that through my phone and didn't realize how

[pegasus]

Hello TheFuZZieONE, I just want to welcome you to Psych Central and to the DD forum. It's a very supportive forum. I'm sorry you have been through so much and for your T to ditch you like that! I hope you can find a good trauma therapist soon, in the meantime feel free to share with us.

Yes, you have to post 5 I believe. Your voices, can you talk to them? Ask them why they do what they do? Tell them to chill out?

After 47 years I've got so many alters, it sounds like a subway station sometimes if they all jabber like when I ask for their opinions. But for the most part, about 5 is actually active and the rest stay quiet. Every now and then someone would shout out their opinion which has messed things up in the past. I've always talked to them all my life, it's part of my thinking process- a group effort. After being terrorized for 18 years, we all have a common bond.

We quit picking names because since we switch so many times we don't remeber who's who, so we just started calling ourselves by the job we do, at least the freshly discovered ones do. The named ones are already named. Being co-conscience is being aware of my others. Alter memories stay with alters, so memories fade away into a dream to disappear when we switch. We tend to share some memories, it takes awhile for someone to dig it out and share it so I stand there looking like I'm brain dead waiting on a memory, like what's your birthdate?.....uuuhhhh....waiting guys...Lol

My days are just segmented bits of time somewhat jumbled if I can remember any of it at all. I hate it when things disappear to sometimes reappear elsewhere. Or I can't remember what I just did. Or when I'm in a trance like daze doing things then it seems like a dream and I don't know if it really happened of not. Or I'm floating in my body watching me do things. It seems so unreal at times.

I was abused as a kid all the way to high school. My parents were my bullies. The whipping began as soon as I was able to walk and talk. My father would beat me as I crawled away begging to not kill me. This is so hard to write. I was an empty shell of a person, being bipolar didn't help none. I was able to dissassociate from the pain and be a happy kid again. But by the time I was a teenager, I was whooped, ready to die.

As an empty shell, all I am is a floating conscience with the alters filling in the blanks. I'm me, but I'm always an alter me. My host alter changes with the times. It's like I've lived 7 different lives so far.

I'm so used to living like this, It's my normal. The damage is so extent, I can't see it being repaired. I also hear how some of us don't want to change. I really don't think integration can be possible, I don't know.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by TheFuZZieONE

Well, I've been actively reading everyone's posts and trying to reply, but the system wont publish them until I post more new threads. Or at least that's what I believe is wrong. Ugh. It's so frustrating! I understand they want to make sure I'm not spam or anything, but I'm just so excited to start communicating with other people like me!

I really don't have much to say at this moment, except I'm about to go to bed and I'm quite sure my alter will take over soon. She takes me over every night without fail for the past year now. Does anyone else have this issue? I'm thinking about trying a sleep medication in order to get myself into a deep sleep quicker. It's my thought that she takes over in that in-between state of asleep and awake. In my Google search I have found some interesting articles on something called "Sleep DID" which I believe I clearly have. What I do is way more profound than mere sleep walking or sleep talking.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and feel the sleep issue may be connected to that as well. I often jump out of bed in the middle of the night with a huge rush of adrenaline and ready to fight, but what I'm fighting I couldn't tell you. Does anyone know of a good sleeping pill that won't make me too drowsy in the mornings? I have to wake up no later than 7am to take my son to school in the mornings, and need to be able to get up. Over sleeping is my biggest concern with a sleeping pill. I'm currently taking Lexapro 10mg for my PTSD.

I recently started hearing voices in my head, and I've read that's a good sign. The thing is they don't sound like anything special. It sounds like background noise mostly. Like I'm at a grocery store with my eyes closed. I can hear things going on around me in my head that are not really happening. I'm not sure if they are hallucinations, or just my alter hearing with her regular ears and I just happen to pick up on it sometimes.

I don't talk about these issues with anyone really. I'm afraid people would either think I'm crazy or just making it up. I'm even careful what I tell my therapist/psychiatrist because I don't want them thinking I'm schizophrenic or anything. When I came clean to a therapist and told her my whole story, she just told me I was delusional and needed medication or I wouldn't get better. She said she thought I had FTD or Formal Thought Disorder. Blah! I figured out what was wrong with me on my own. DID is what made the most sense, and I've been doing most of the work in my recovery by myself.

When I told my therapist I thought I had DID, she looked puzzled and surprised and said she couldn't help me. She said she would see me for a few more sessions, but that was it. I BASICALLY GOT A TWO WEEKS NOTICE FROM A THERAPIST. Lol. It was really sad actually. I believe it was then that Emo Jen took over for a while, and I just laid in bed and cried for days. I poured my heart out to my therapist and told her all my little secrets, and she rejected me mainly because she never had a client like me.

I think at least one of my personalities is a teenage girl. She came about when I experienced some extreme sexual trauma at age 18. I think I did such a good job of repressing everything back then, that the repressed trauma ended up forming it's own personality who wasn't able to mature with the rest of me. Unfortunately, she now takes over and reeks havoc on my life with her risky behavior and rebellious ways.

The most disturbing of all my alters is a Jen who I think is a straight up sociopath. She will lie. cheat and steal in order to get her way. And her favorite past time? It's tormenting me!! She is trying to drive me crazy. My favorite personality is my inner comedienne. She is hilarious and the flashes of memory I get from when she takes over are laugh out loud funny. Now I never seen it, but when I was in the hospital after my near fatal accident, my mom said I was straight up acting like I was six years old again. She said she has not seen me act like that since I was a little girl and it sort of freaked her out a bit. If the six year old was in fact and alter, I never use her anymore unless I'm dying.

The interesting thing is all my personalities are me. They are all 32 year old women named Jen. That's what I think led my disorder go undetected for years. I only realized it when my sociopath and inner teenager started disrupting my life, and I knew something was not right about me. I would say and do things 100% out of line with my normal behavior and not understand why. It wasn't until I started researching my symptoms that I found DID was a perfect match for my issues.

Anyway, I hope I'm not boring anyone with my long drawn out post here. As I said in an earlier thread, I'm new to this site and am still learning the ropes. I do know that I need to post at least five times in order to get full privileges of this site, so be expecting to read a lot more from me! I'm not sure how much detail I'm allowed use in this site, but if it's allowed I'll tell ya'll anything. I'm truly an open book and will give you all the gory details. After all I been through, and after what my alters have put me through, I have no shame ;-)









1

In fact, I have a link on my profile to the blog I created where I tell my story in full detail if anyone is interested. Also, please exuse any typos from my first post. I did that through my phone and didn't realize how

here in America there is no diagnosis nor diagnostic criteria called ....sleep DID....

here is where you can read about what is considered to be the recognized dissociative disorders here in america....

http://forums.psychcentral.com/disso...s-dsm-5-a.html

here in america alters taking over at night is the same as alters that take over during the day....short version dissociation is a reaction to something. that something is called a trigger. when a person encounters their triggers they dissociate (feel numb, spacy, foggy minded, disconnected from their self or their world, switch into alters...)

the alters with DID are a very special kind. they have their own way of being, their own jobs, purposes reasons for being which affects many aspects of a persons life. sometimes that includes a persons life when they go to bed for sleep or other activities.

when i had the problem of alters taking over when I slept my treatment provider asked me...what is it about sleeping triggers me, causes me to dissociate? turned out I had many triggers that were causing many alters to take over when I thought I was sleeping. once I got a handle on those triggers and self care around those triggers, the alters no longer took over to do that for me.

the hearing voices with DID usually does not happen suddenly as an adult here in NY the demographics are that people with DID hear voices from early childhood, since DID is a mental disorder that happens in childhood and then continues into adulthood (or until that persons alters have been integrated.) hearing voices can come with just about any mental or physical problem even PTSD and medications, since we can not diagnose whether your voices are DID type (alternate personalities) or your PTSD or your medications my suggestion here is contact your treatment providers.. they will be able to assess where the suddenly appearing symptom of hearing voices is coming from and adjust your treatment options so that this wont bother you any more.

here in america formal thought disorder is called hypercondria this is where someone thinks they have mental or physical health problems where they do not have that problem. my suggestion ia if you feel you have a dissociative disorder to contact a psychiatrist. te psychiatrist can give you what is called a psychiatric evaluation. this is a battery of tests that diagnose what a persons mental disorders really are. here in america for DID diagnosis it requires a physical exam, physical tests that share some dissociative problems and lots of talking with the psychiatrist, lots of veral and written tests. and also in some cases release of past educational, medical and mental health files because if a person has DID there will be documentations through out the persons whole life span of the academic, social, physical and mental problems associated with DID. you wont be able to find any of these tests online due to the diagnostics and tests are fairly new here in the USA.

[TheFuZZieONE]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

here in America there is no diagnosis nor diagnostic criteria called ....sleep DID....

here is where you can read about what is considered to be the recognized dissociative disorders here in america....

http://forums.psychcentral.com/disso...s-dsm-5-a.html

here in america alters taking over at night is the same as alters that take over during the day....short version dissociation is a reaction to something. that something is called a trigger. when a person encounters their triggers they dissociate (feel numb, spacy, foggy minded, disconnected from their self or their world, switch into alters...)

the alters with DID are a very special kind. they have their own way of being, their own jobs, purposes reasons for being which affects many aspects of a persons life. sometimes that includes a persons life when they go to bed for sleep or other activities.

when i had the problem of alters taking over when I slept my treatment provider asked me...what is it about sleeping triggers me, causes me to dissociate? turned out I had many triggers that were causing many alters to take over when I thought I was sleeping. once I got a handle on those triggers and self care around those triggers, the alters no longer took over to do that for me.

the hearing voices with DID usually does not happen suddenly as an adult here in NY the demographics are that people with DID hear voices from early childhood, since DID is a mental disorder that happens in childhood and then continues into adulthood (or until that persons alters have been integrated.) hearing voices can come with just about any mental or physical problem even PTSD and medications, since we can not diagnose whether your voices are DID type (alternate personalities) or your PTSD or your medications my suggestion here is contact your treatment providers.. they will be able to assess where the suddenly appearing symptom of hearing voices is coming from and adjust your treatment options so that this wont bother you any more.

here in america formal thought disorder is called hypercondria this is where someone thinks they have mental or physical health problems where they do not have that problem. my suggestion ia if you feel you have a dissociative disorder to contact a psychiatrist. te psychiatrist can give you what is called a psychiatric evaluation. this is a battery of tests that diagnose what a persons mental disorders really are. here in america for DID diagnosis it requires a physical exam, physical tests that share some dissociative problems and lots of talking with the psychiatrist, lots of veral and written tests. and also in some cases release of past educational, medical and mental health files because if a person has DID there will be documentations through out the persons whole life span of the academic, social, physical and mental problems associated with DID. you wont be able to find any of these tests online due to the diagnostics and tests are fairly new here in the USA.

Dearest Amandalouise,

Thank you for your well rounded insight. I am aware that there isn't anything called "Sleep DID" in the DSM 5. I even have a copy of the book. But, I've done tons of online research and found articles written about it. Just because something is not listed in the DSM 5 doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Since you are so educated on the the DSM 5, you should know it gets updated and changes as psychologists learn more about mental health. I have read very interesting scholarly articles on DID. Some theorize that DID is closely related to OCD. One theory I've read is there are two types of DID, one of which is the traditional form of which you speak. Another type is when someone compartmentalizes their emotions into separate identities in an OCD type of way.

I hear the voices mostly at night before I go to sleep, or during the day if I nap. In fact, I asleep after I dropped my son off at school today, and I was awoken by a voice that said, "Jen, you gotta get up!!" I used to think they were ghosts I was hearing, or my angels. Now I believe it has something to do with the DID. No, I was not formally diagnosed yet, but I know what's wrong with me. To imply that I don't have it goes against the rules of this site. Truth be told, I'm not really trying to be diagnosed with a mental illness, as I have a successful career with the federal government, and they have access to my mental health records.

I've also done my research on Thought Disorder and the different types. One type refers to the manner in which someone speaks, while the other refers to how someone thinks. The first type refers to how someone may stutter and repeat certain words when they speak. The theory is that if someone can't speak right, their thoughts are disordered. The second type of thought disorder refers to beliefs someone may have that are delusional, such as paranoia. As for hypochondria, I don't have much kowledge of that. But again, if you mentioned that to say I'm a hypochondriac and don't really have DID, then you are violating the rules of the site.

For your information, I do see a psychiatrist and told him about my DID. He told me that's something I needed to speak to my therapist about. All he did was prescribe me Lexapro for the PTSD and said to come back in a month. He is the second psychiatrist ive seen so far too. From what I've read, DID is a cognitive emotional disorder that is treated with therapy, not meds. So the psychiatrist's lack of interest seems to fit. Well, at least here in America ;-)

As for my personal beliefs, mental disorders are as vast and different as there are people on this planet. To try and put every disorder in a neat little box and act as if they're all the same is silly. I for one don't take the DSM 5 as my bible. People are different and psychologists are often wrong. I purposely didn't tell any of the many psychiatrists and therapists that I thought I had DID. Instead, I just told them my story. And you know what? Each one came up with a different diagnosis!! One GAD, one PTSD, and one FTR to name a few. Ha! The same exact story. You know what that lead me to believe? They really don't know what they're talking about.

When I told them I thought I had DID, they all agreed it sounded like that might be the case, but do far, no one has came up with a treatment. I found a local hypnotherapist that I'm going to try this Friday. I'm willing to do anything to get help, and I'm doing most of it on my own. I'm sad and lonely and joined this forum for support. So far most people here are nice and supportive, and I'm glad I joined :-)

[TheFuZZieONE]

[QUOTE=AlwaysChanging2;4331804]Yes, you have to post 5 I believe. Your voices, can you talk to them? Ask them why they do what they do? Tell them to chill out?

After 47 years I've got so many alters, it sounds like a subway station sometimes byif they all jabber like when I ask for their opinions. But for the most part, about 5 is actually active and the rest stay quiet. Every now and then someone would shout out their opinion which has messed things up in the past. I've always talked to them all my life, it's part of my thinking process- a group effort. After being terrorized for 18 years, we all have a common bond.

We quit picking names because since we switch so many times we don't remeber who's who, so we just started calling ourselves by the job we do, at least the freshly discovered ones do. The named ones are already named. Being co-conscience is being aware of my others. Alter memories stay with alters, so memories fade away into a dream to disappear when we switch. We tend to share some memories, it takes awhile for someone to dig it out and share it so I stand there looking like I'm brain dead waiting on a memory, like what's your birthdate?.....uuuhhhh....waiting guys...Lol

My days are just segmented bits of time somewhat jumbled if I can remember any of it at all. I hate it when things disappear to sometimes reappear elsewhere. Or I can't remember what I just did. Or when I'm in a trance like daze doing things then it seems like a dream and I don't know if it really happened of not. Or I'm floating in my body watching me do things. It seems so unreal at times.

I was abused as a kid all the way to high school. My parents were my bullies. The whipping began as soon as I was able to walk and talk. My father would beat me as I crawled away begging to not kill me. This is so hard to write. I was an empty shell of a person, being bipolar didn't help none. I was able to dissassociate from the pain and be a happy kid again. But by the time I was a teenager, I was whooped, ready to die.

As an empty shell, all I am is a floating conscience with the alters filling in the blanks. I'm me, but I'm always an alter me. My host alter changes with the times. It's like I've lived 7 different lives so far.

I'm so used to living like this, It's my normal. The damage is so extent, I can't see it being repaired. I also hear how some of us don't want to change. I really don't think integration can be possible, I don't know.[/QUOTE

Hi Alwayschanging2, and thanks for the response!!

I'm so sorry your childhood was so traumatic, but at least you grew up to have a good attitude despite everything you've been through. At least you have a good attitude with me here online. I can't speak for the rest of the time. My childhood wasn't very traumatic. At least not as bad as yours. Though I was severely neglected by my alcoholic grandmother, I wasn't beaten or molested that I can remember. I know my mom and dad left suddenly, and my grandmother raised me. I was an afterthought to her. I was a mere possession. I went weeks without bathing and was sent home from school often for smelling bad

My first real trauma happened when I was 18 and forcibly sodomized by a guy who was 6'4". This happened in the military when I was stationed in Germany, so I had no family or friends to support me. I didn't get medical care because the guy left me for dead, and I was told by the commanding officer that if he found out I got hurt, I would get in trouble. So I suffered in silence. I was in love with the guy who hurt me, but instead of apologizing, he treated me like crap. To top it all off, rumors went around about how I was a liar and "accused" this guy of rape. It was a very traumatic time in my life, so no wonder one of my alters is a teenage girl!

I have experienced more trauma since then. So much that it's a miracle I'm alive. The only issue now though is my mind ain't right. Lol. But I'm working on it. I'm trying to get better, but unfortunately my pesky alter is still working hard to foil my plans. I agree with you in that the alters cannot be merged back together. I highly doubt that will ever happen to me. Now that they split, they don't even like each other. My goal is to find peace, and to get us to work together for the greater good.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by TheFuZZieONE

Dearest Amandalouise,

Thank you for your well rounded insight. I am aware that there isn't anything called "Sleep DID" in the DSM 5. I even have a copy of the book. But, I've done tons of online research and found articles written about it. Just because something is not listed in the DSM 5 doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Since you are so educated on the the DSM 5, you should know it gets updated and changes as psychologists learn more about mental health. I have read very interesting scholarly articles on DID. Some theorize that DID is closely related to OCD. One theory I've read is there are two types of DID, one of which is the traditional form of which you speak. Another type is when someone compartmentalizes their emotions into separate identities in an OCD type of way.

I hear the voices mostly at night before I go to sleep, or during the day if I nap. In fact, I asleep after I dropped my son off at school today, and I was awoken by a voice that said, "Jen, you gotta get up!!" I used to think they were ghosts I was hearing, or my angels. Now I believe it has something to do with the DID. No, I was not formally diagnosed yet, but I know what's wrong with me. To imply that I don't have it goes against the rules of this site. Truth be told, I'm not really trying to be diagnosed with a mental illness, as I have a successful career with the federal government, and they have access to my mental health records.

I've also done my research on Thought Disorder and the different types. One type refers to the manner in which someone speaks, while the other refers to how someone thinks. The first type refers to how someone may stutter and repeat certain words when they speak. The theory is that if someone can't speak right, their thoughts are disordered. The second type of thought disorder refers to beliefs someone may have that are delusional, such as paranoia. As for hypochondria, I don't have much kowledge of that. But again, if you mentioned that to say I'm a hypochondriac and don't really have DID, then you are violating the rules of the site.

For your information, I do see a psychiatrist and told him about my DID. He told me that's something I needed to speak to my therapist about. All he did was prescribe me Lexapro for the PTSD and said to come back in a month. He is the second psychiatrist ive seen so far too. From what I've read, DID is a cognitive emotional disorder that is treated with therapy, not meds. So the psychiatrist's lack of interest seems to fit. Well, at least here in America ;-)

As for my personal beliefs, mental disorders are as vast and different as there are people on this planet. To try and put every disorder in a neat little box and act as if they're all the same is silly. I for one don't take the DSM 5 as my bible. People are different and psychologists are often wrong. I purposely didn't tell any of the many psychiatrists and therapists that I thought I had DID. Instead, I just told them my story. And you know what? Each one came up with a different diagnosis!! One GAD, one PTSD, and one FTR to name a few. Ha! The same exact story. You know what that lead me to believe? They really don't know what they're talking about.

When I told them I thought I had DID, they all agreed it sounded like that might be the case, but do far, no one has came up with a treatment. I found a local hypnotherapist that I'm going to try this Friday. I'm willing to do anything to get help, and I'm doing most of it on my own. I'm sad and lonely and joined this forum for support. So far most people here are nice and supportive, and I'm glad I joined :-)

yes I am aware that the DSM goes through periodic updates in fact it has just gone through a very thorough updating process and has recently completed the process and the DSM now contains the updated standards for all mental disorders that are recognized in the USA.

this standard is so new here in America that there are still treatment providers in the USA in the process of transferring over to the new system put in place by the American Psychiatric Association. these new standards of what is recognized mental disorders in the USA and the diagnosis process for them is still so new that no matter how much research someone does there is no new/updated tests for those mental disorders online.

there are many theories bouncing around the internet about people proposing/speculating on what should and should be included in the DSM from before the DSM completed its recent and thorough updating process. heck yesterday I happened onto a new website that stated DID was practicing witchcraft from the 1800's and amazingly this website had many followers who actually believed DID is a form of witchcraft.... my point is dont believe everything you find on the net. there is loads of true and false and mixed information out there. because the new standards are so new the best way to get updated information about any mental disorders in the USA is through your own treatment providers or a treatment provider in your location. you can even get information with out having a treatment provider just by contacting any mental health agency, letting them know you are doing research and what your research is about. they will be glad to send you what information they concerning what you are researching.

[QUOTE=TheFuZZieONE;4332518]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Yes, you have to post 5 I believe. Your voices, can you talk to them? Ask them why they do what they do? Tell them to chill out?

After 47 years I've got so many alters, it sounds like a subway station sometimes byif they all jabber like when I ask for their opinions. But for the most part, about 5 is actually active and the rest stay quiet. Every now and then someone would shout out their opinion which has messed things up in the past. I've always talked to them all my life, it's part of my thinking process- a group effort. After being terrorized for 18 years, we all have a common bond.

We quit picking names because since we switch so many times we don't remeber who's who, so we just started calling ourselves by the job we do, at least the freshly discovered ones do. The named ones are already named. Being co-conscience is being aware of my others. Alter memories stay with alters, so memories fade away into a dream to disappear when we switch. We tend to share some memories, it takes awhile for someone to dig it out and share it so I stand there looking like I'm brain dead waiting on a memory, like what's your birthdate?.....uuuhhhh....waiting guys...Lol

My days are just segmented bits of time somewhat jumbled if I can remember any of it at all. I hate it when things disappear to sometimes reappear elsewhere. Or I can't remember what I just did. Or when I'm in a trance like daze doing things then it seems like a dream and I don't know if it really happened of not. Or I'm floating in my body watching me do things. It seems so unreal at times.

I was abused as a kid all the way to high school. My parents were my bullies. The whipping began as soon as I was able to walk and talk. My father would beat me as I crawled away begging to not kill me. This is so hard to write. I was an empty shell of a person, being bipolar didn't help none. I was able to dissassociate from the pain and be a happy kid again. But by the time I was a teenager, I was whooped, ready to die.

As an empty shell, all I am is a floating conscience with the alters filling in the blanks. I'm me, but I'm always an alter me. My host alter changes with the times. It's like I've lived 7 different lives so far.

I'm so used to living like this, It's my normal. The damage is so extent, I can't see it being repaired. I also hear how some of us don't want to change. I really don't think integration can be possible, I don't know.[/QUOTE

Hi Alwayschanging2, and thanks for the response!!

I'm so sorry your childhood was so traumatic, but at least you grew up to have a good attitude despite everything you've been through. At least you have a good attitude with me here online. I can't speak for the rest of the time. My childhood wasn't very traumatic. At least not as bad as yours. Though I was severely neglected by my alcoholic grandmother, I wasn't beaten or molested that I can remember. I know my mom and dad left suddenly, and my grandmother raised me. I was an afterthought to her. I was a mere possession. I went weeks without bathing and was sent home from school often for smelling bad

My first real trauma happened when I was 18 and forcibly sodomized by a guy who was 6'4". This happened in the military when I was stationed in Germany, so I had no family or friends to support me. I didn't get medical care because the guy left me for dead, and I was told by the commanding officer that if he found out I got hurt, I would get in trouble. So I suffered in silence. I was in love with the guy who hurt me, but instead of apologizing, he treated me like crap. To top it all off, rumors went around about how I was a liar and "accused" this guy of rape. It was a very traumatic time in my life, so no wonder one of my alters is a teenage girl!

I have experienced more trauma since then. So much that it's a miracle I'm alive. The only issue now though is my mind ain't right. Lol. But I'm working on it. I'm trying to get better, but unfortunately my pesky alter is still working hard to foil my plans. I agree with you in that the alters cannot be merged back together. I highly doubt that will ever happen to me. Now that they split, they don't even like each other. My goal is to find peace, and to get us to work together for the greater good.

Thanks. I suffered PTSD well into my 20's when I started coming out of my shell, thanks to drugs and alcohol. I'm good with it today. Just expressing my fragmented psyche.