[peaches100]

I'm someone with Complex PTSD and mid-level dissociation on the dissociative scale. Up until now, my t has said I fall somewhere between normal and DID. My problem is that I experienced what I feel was a regressive dissociated state on my last session, and I am feeling a ton of anxiety and shame about it.

I have known for a long time now that I have dissociated parts of myself, and that one of them in particular feels like a scared, needy little girl. My t and I have talked at length about it, so it is not a new discovery. My t has told me over and over again that it makes sense that I have dissociated parts that hold trauma. She has said it is nothing to be ashamed about, and that it is precisely those parts of me that need healing in therapy.

However, I have been more than reluctant - terrified even -- to allow myself to be in touch that little girl part of me (and other parts). Whenever I let their thoughts and feelings start to emerge, I feel immediately scared and out of control. The thought of letting my t see those parts of me, should I ever lose control over them in session has deeply shames me. Yet that is what happened in last week's session.

Ever since then, I have felt anxious, guilty, and horribly ashamed. I have been having more nightmares than usual, almost every night since it happened. I can't figure out why I acted that way, and why I didn't prevent it.

I remember it well enough to know I acted oddly. I recall wanting to sit on the floor by the door. I wrapped up in a blanket, and recall feeling very small and scared. I've been in therapy for several years now, and I have never sat on the floor by the door or acted like that. Even though my t has said she has seen me "switch" before, I have always had control over my parts to prevent them from speaking or taking any action. It bothers me that I didn't prevent it from happening last week.

I also remember saying at least a couple of things that don't make sense at all to me now! I feel stupid and childish. A part of me feels really guilty and ashamed for allowing myself to act that way, and let my t see me that way also. Now, a part of me keeps thinking that I must have been pretending because I never act that way. I feel like I've done something wrong and bad too by letting that part of me "slip out."

I know my t sees this as progress because I am letting up on that very strict control I've always enforced over those parts of me. But I just feel afraid and confused. It also makes me afraid that my t might decide I am more dissociated than she initially thought. I haven't been diagnosed with DID in the past because I have co-consciousness. But after a dissociative episode, even though I remember what happened, it always feels puzzling to me because it doesn't fit with how I experience myself at all. I know these are parts of me, but they do not feel like who I am except when I am in the midst of them.

Can somebody please help me understand what's going on or provide some sort of reassurance? I see my t again today and I've told her I feel weird about what happened and think the way I acted wasn't real and/or must be made up.

[peaches100]

Maybe I should state more specifically what it is that I did last week that makes me feel so ashamed. For one thing, I hid my face in the blanket when I felt scared. I also asked my t not to hurt me, but she reminded me that I also said I want her to hurt me. I acted scared of her even though I know she isn't dangerous. I felt scared, like I could bolt at any minute. When she asked me if anything bad had happened to me that I have not told her already, I could not speak up - even though nothing specific came to mind. So I don't know why the words wouldn't come out. I cried a lot too, but that's not too different for me. . .

[TheFuZZieONE]

I'm sorry you had to go through that and that its so difficult for you. I also do a good job at blocking my alters, and can imagine how embarrassed I would be if they came out. I can tell you this much though; having your child alter switch out in front of your t shows that you really trust her. Because you have such walls built up between you and your alters, when you're in therapy as your host personality, the alters aren't getting the help THEY need. I know its easy for me to say cause I wasn't the one acting like a child, but try not to feel too embarrassed by the incident. Your t already knows you have DID, and there will be some painful steps in the path towards healing. You likely disassociated in the first place because something traumatic was too much to bare. My advice is stay strong! I know its easier said than done, but you can do it!

Also, there's this really awesome book I'm reading called "I Am We." Its an autobiography about a woman's lifelong battle with DID. I'm currently reading the book and its very enlightening and puts DID in a human perspective. Reading the DSM is great and all, but its refreshing to hear a real life tale.

Anyway, hope you continue to heal and not be embarrassed or ashamed. Feel free to open up to me whenever cause I'm the LAST one to judge anyone.

Take care, Jen :-)

Hey hun, I feel for you. I'm also co-conscience, but have chosen denial to reassure me that I don't embarrass myself and pride by looking crazy. I fought it all my life for the last 45 years and it has been a battle. My alters knows how the system feels about this because of our life long abuse, so hiding it was our only saving grace. We are all in agreement. But we switched still, even in denial, but we faked being a singularity, almost all the time. But in private we were able to cut lose.

It's horrible fighting yourself to look normal, I get it and sympathize. It wasn't recent till I decided to just let go because I'm tired of the effort in hiding, disguising, making excuses. Please feel free to cut loose with your T because she's there to help. Good luck sweety, get well.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I'm someone with Complex PTSD and mid-level dissociation on the dissociative scale. Up until now, my t has said I fall somewhere between normal and DID. My problem is that I experienced what I feel was a regressive dissociated state on my last session, and I am feeling a ton of anxiety and shame about it.

I have known for a long time now that I have dissociated parts of myself, and that one of them in particular feels like a scared, needy little girl. My t and I have talked at length about it, so it is not a new discovery. My t has told me over and over again that it makes sense that I have dissociated parts that hold trauma. She has said it is nothing to be ashamed about, and that it is precisely those parts of me that need healing in therapy.


However, I have been more than reluctant - terrified even -- to allow myself to be in touch that little girl part of me (and other parts). Whenever I let their thoughts and feelings start to emerge, I feel immediately scared and out of control. The thought of letting my t see those parts of me, should I ever lose control over them in session has deeply shames me. Yet that is what happened in last week's session.

Ever since then, I have felt anxious, guilty, and horribly ashamed. I have been having more nightmares than usual, almost every night since it happened. I can't figure out why I acted that way, and why I didn't prevent it.

I remember it well enough to know I acted oddly. I recall wanting to sit on the floor by the door. I wrapped up in a blanket, and recall feeling very small and scared. I've been in therapy for several years now, and I have never sat on the floor by the door or acted like that. Even though my t has said she has seen me "switch" before, I have always had control over my parts to prevent them from speaking or taking any action. It bothers me that I didn't prevent it from happening last week.

I also remember saying at least a couple of things that don't make sense at all to me now! I feel stupid and childish. A part of me feels really guilty and ashamed for allowing myself to act that way, and let my t see me that way also. Now, a part of me keeps thinking that I must have been pretending because I never act that way. I feel like I've done something wrong and bad too by letting that part of me "slip out."

I know my t sees this as progress because I am letting up on that very strict control I've always enforced over those parts of me. But I just feel afraid and confused. It also makes me afraid that my t might decide I am more dissociated than she initially thought. I haven't been diagnosed with DID in the past because I have co-consciousness. But after a dissociative episode, even though I remember what happened, it always feels puzzling to me because it doesn't fit with how I experience myself at all. I know these are parts of me, but they do not feel like who I am except when I am in the midst of them.

Can somebody please help me understand what's going on or provide some sort of reassurance? I see my t again today and I've told her I feel weird about what happened and think the way I acted wasn't real and/or must be made up.

The only time my inside alters come out is when we are alone or at session. My little ones and young ones come out at session so they can be heard. Sometimes they are fearful but they have stuff they want to say to our t so they come out. At home they come out sometimes like when we are trying to get to sleep. Sometimes to talk or ask a question but sometimes it is to cry or say no over and over or rock back and forth. We rocked at session once or twice but we don't say no over and over and we haven't cried like we have at home. I think it is good for them to get a chance to be themselves and talk to someone on the outside. It freaked me out when it first happened. I also had thoughts of being fake or odd. But when I asked them if they felt better talking to t, they said yes. So I got used to it. They are part of us and they don't have a chance to talk to anyone on the outside ever. If you ask your little one if she is wants to talk to t and she says yes then it should be ok.