Emotional Week

I hit a big trigger this week. It started with my cat who was diagnosed with asthma. My boyfriend's family was thinking about adopting a cat and wanted to see how their dog would handle a cat, but I told him I don't want my cat over there because his mom smokes in the house. I had a revelation, if I would do that for my cat, why am I not doing that for me? I have asthma and it is not healthy. i was mad at myself, thinking how could I do that to myself?

*****Trigger warning ******

My head was spinning with being angry that I was no better than my parents. I was thinking about how when I was younger and sick, couldn't breathe on vacation, how my dad was smoking in the hotel room. Even that young, I remember thinking, why is he smoking? because I knew it wasn't good for me. And when I got older how my asthma got worse and he continued smoking in the house. The fact that my mom hardly tried to change that. She told me that she asked him to smoke outside, that she had tried, but he said no. How I used to fear that I was dying or that I had gotten lung cancer. How in school there was a demonstration on how dangerous second hand smoke was and how it affects you.

I called my boyfriend and told him my decision and he understood but is having trouble adjusting to it. We started talking about children and I said if we ever have kids, the fact both of us have had asthma at some point, means that our child would most likely have it and I would want to keep them away from smoking homes and smoke. My boyfriend was upset because he was worried his mom would never see the baby even though I mentioned the fact that we could meet outside of her home.

We kept discussing and my emotions went up. At one point I was really emotional and practically crying while talking. I know I was there hearing everything while I said it, but afterward I could not remember what I said except for "I know what it is like when people don't give a crap about you." There was a huge blank and for some reason I found it kind of amusing. That line was bold as day in my head, but for the life of me I couldn't remember the rest of what I said. I guess it was something along the lines of I am not going to put a child through what I went through.

*******Trigger Warning End**********

I have calmed down quite a bit and shared it with my therapist. We are going to start focusing on memories and such to do with the line I remember saying.

She also had a theory on why I don't remember things about my childhood with family stuff. Like how I cannot remember what family dinners were like (except the few bad memories), or birthdays or holidays. That maybe since I didn't feel like I belonged or whatnot that I learned to dissociate during times like dinner.

I forgot to mention to my therapist, but I was doing some left hand right hand asking the part that was triggered about it (the terrified/invisible one) and after a few questions I heard another part/voice interrupt and say, "This is stupid." It was the angry one. Tried to talk to them, and then go back to the terrified/invisible one, but I heard the angry one say, this is stupid, again.

i am sorry that you are having to go thru this emotional turmoil. thank you for sharing it. it makes me feel less alone. i dont remember christmases, birthdays, dinners either. this week i discovered that i placed an order for clothes online for almost 200 dollars i have no memory of doing and thursday at work i had a complete breakdown because as i turned around to walk out of an office i ran smack into someone. it scared me to death. completely triggered me. i crumpled. i could not function. it was like my head cracked open and my world shattered. it is the most crazy i have felt ever. and part of my just keeps saying this is so silly. all i did was run into somebody. i hope your t is able to help you work thru this. take care

I can relate to getting triggered by things. I have a hard time opening up to experience things, life, because when I was feeling healthy and like I could handle things, like emotions, I was getting triggered more often, stronger, and memories were coming up. I would like to get back there sometime so I can heal more and start experiencing life. I'd say you are very strong because in my case, when I am feeling and letting things happen, I have more reactions similar to you. (Unless it was a strong trigger and it isn't normally like that all the time?)That is just part of the process. And I don't think it is silly, there is a reason why your body reacts that way. But I can also relate to feeling silly about a reaction, especially when it is a big emotional reaction I know it being triggered by something.



I had talked with my therapist again, and mentioned that I have started having reactions of a panic attack starting. and that emotions follow. She said it might be that I am in a state of reliving. I smell something, like smoke or other stuff that I know might not be healthy to breathe in, sometimes it comes out of no where it seems, and my throat feels tight. I know I can breathe and my asthma isn't triggered, but it feels like I can't breathe because my throat feels super tight. When I feel that, it triggers emotions, like powerlessness, sadness, maybe some anger, hating myself, pointlessness, and I just feel young and alone. I have always had an idea that it was a flashback or something, but it was validating to hear it from someone else, that they took it seriously.

I remember when I realized this type of reaction was a flashback type thing. I was sick maybe a year and a half ago, and my asthma was acting up, and I also had a cough. When i couldn't breathe, I started feeling hopeless and powerless, that I was sick and and nothing could help me, and all of a sudden this sudden suicidal urge hit me. I was aware of the change, and thought, where the heck did that feeling come from? That is when I realized I must have been having some type of emotional flashback.

Yeah it just amazes me how much these trauma reactions can take over our lives. My t really dug into my past trauma on Monday and then I went to work and was fine most the day but then suddenly I'm sitting there at my computer and I was overwhelmingly mad. And I was thinking I was so mad it was going to make me sick. And then suddenly I was sick. I was dizzy I was nauseous and I had to go home from work. My whole body ached. The next day I couldn't even get out of bed. I was very mad at my therapist for not warning me this could happen. most of all I am angry that I do not have control over what my body does.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

The term trigger always confuses me. We all work with the body. We come and go as needed. I sometimes view the term trigger in a negative way but when we come and go it is usually to function in the world.