Trigger warning

The repercussions of being DID may make pnurse have to put me on mandatory work restriction (but not permanent). She doesn't have to report this because the child wasn't hurt and didn't realize there was any danger. Pnurse has also been worried about our driving... She'd best not try to take my license! I'm still a safe driver, if a bit more reckless (just more like everyone else now).
Our system has been breaking down further and with the med changes (I think) our "inner filter" is crumbling.
Thursday, our student put her arm again in our personal space and was nearly bitten. 10 does snap at any intrusion. Adults move. The child didn't. Our lip brushed the child's arm @_@ you can imagine how upset I am. I would never, EVER hurt a child. I know 22 doesn't like kids, and 10 is partly feral, but still. This has me really rattled.
Pnurse talked dr letters to change or end my work status, but I told her there's no other thing to be assigned to- I'm an independent contractor. There's only tutoring children. And in a year contract. :/
I talked about options to get through the end of the school year: medication change; have 10 work one-on-one with a coach; sit across from the child instead of next to her so she'd be out of reach... Pnurse said she'd have to seek supervision on this... The consequences of a bite would put me in jail. I'm scared. I just kinda got promoted (thanked) and was given more hours and praise. This would look so bad. Yet safety first....
I'm trying to plan and sent the following text to pnurse:
"Outlining a plan to work with 10: using pictures and training about not biting children ever; how children can't hurt us ever again, how we're in an adult body. How really no one needs to be bitten unless we are physically attacked. To use words. Making a booklet to work with daily and often with her. Already she uses the chant "I'm gonna be a little girl all the way home!" from Wolf Children (anime) and work on being human. We're all scared, they're all sorry to upset me so much and promise to do all I ask and all you say to keep our job until at least the end of school if poss or at least give a month's notice."
In that movie, a booklet was drawn about teaching the wolf children (descendants of werewolves) how to not bully other animals when they were in wolf form and why. I am going to do the same since my friend gave us that movie for 10. And even tho I am/was Observer who is now Kiya, I know she that is me was working to be Alpha Wolf...so I must carry on that legacy. I wish she were here. I don't know where she went. I wish old t were here. I said that to pnurse today and she answered "So do I..."
22 keeps telling me I should have kept my mouth shut. But I do need help with this. Biting the child would be horrid. So would jail.

Scared....

I am starting to learn a little about DID from interactions with people here at PC. I am sorry you are in trouble at work.

Have you ever thought of what other fields you could work in that the threat of hurting a child would not be a threat to you and the child?

What I do when I am having more stress and must drive is to allow more space between my car and others so I have more reaction time. I also do not take risky moves and wait for the light to change rather than run a yellow or red light.

Have you talked with your counselor or therapist about this (maybe the pnurse is your therapist)? The pnurse is not trying to hurt you only protect the children.

Being tempt to bite children is a warning sign that this behavior could happen. If so, avoiding the situation where you work around children could be a safer bet than taking a chance on this happening in a weak or confused moment.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

It's upsetting on so many levels.
I've worked with kids for some 25 years or more. I'm great with them and they love me. This is a new behavior (or is seeping out?) and is different because it's a one on one setting. I've done lots of other kinds of work, but I keep going back to working with kids because of the DID. I know I'm older than them (all of me); I even like working with pre-teens.
But I'd rather die than hurt a kid. It's also complicated. Hate that. I DO NOT want to risk hurting the child. And I trust my pnurse. And... I don't want to lose my job; I've got nothing to go to, being an independent contractor. Tho, I'm thinking a filing job where I'm not around humans is a safe bet right now.
Really scared. This is new territory.

Is it possible to have all the alters get together in one place in your mind and have a discussion on how to work together so you can work and function in the world. Each alter gets a chance to say what they think, even if others don't like what they are saying. The idea being that each alter gets heard, but in turn has to also listen to what others have to say. We do this when we start to do things that will isolate us from the world. Most of us don't want to be isolated so we work together to help each other make good decisions. It is an understanding within our system. It is something that we work at everyday. Maybe something could work for you. I hope things work out for you.

I've heard of that.... so far it's been me against them. I don't even like phrasing it that way. Or them against me. It's not nice, fair, or equal. It's not respectful. It's like:
(me)"You must obey ME because I have to obey the world."
(them)"OR - YOU obey US because WE don't like what you say and can ruin everything for you."
(me)"Why would you possibly want that? What good can it possibly bring you?"
(them)"It makes you suffer."

why would they want me to suffer???
I know I have to ask these questions of them (and I do, and I either get cheeky answers or they all walk off or they engage in unhealthy behaviors), but we have bills to pay, a roof over our head to keep, food on the table to get... I don't see why this is even a question.
Well.... I do sort of know.... all tied to the programming of the past. damn the past anyway.

But for this biting issue, we're working on creating a new identity for herself which I think will be good. Then I need some willing test subjects (family to put their arm within reach at random times to untrigger that desire to lash out. It wouldn't be the first time she's changed animal identities... snake...cat... wolf... so now we're looking at thunder storm (something still powerful but WITHOUT fangs!) and tie that into a liked book character. This might just work. Go imagination, go!!!

Kiya,

I have a similar situation in that I have at least one uncooperative alter who will not listen to reason. It's such a silly battle because in essence, we are fighting ourselves when we fight each other. But that realization does not put an end to our squabbling. Sorry I don't have any real advice to give you, but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one on the world out there who gets into arguments with their alters. Oh, how envious of I am of people who have good working systems! I'm still in the early part of my treatment with my ultimate goal of reintegration. If you find a solution that helps, please dont hesitate to share!

((((Kiya))))

((((((( Kiya )))))))

Thanks- it does help to hear about like experiences. I'm so nervous, I'm just sick. I work tomorrow- my plan is to claim neck pain and sit across the table from the child. I'm at risk to myself some because I'd rather be hurt than hurt the child. But we were up til 2:30 am working on 10's new identity... Now having her actually meld with that sense of identity. Two others who have been toying with new identities are solidifying theirs to support her. It isn't easy, but nessisary. Which my brain can't spell today.
Thanks for the post.

Thanks you guys for the support. I was afraid I'd be shunned.

(((((((( Kiya ))))))))

Done a lot of work this weekend with our system on how we can change and support each other. 2 selves who were already considering changing their names are going to take the plunge and update their own characteristics to reflect their growth - all to support 10, the one who is in the thick of things. All three are choosing book characters they like and found pics online to make a poster that we'll put in our journal and look at to help remind us.

I did as mom while at her house today to surprise me with the arm in face/ bite test; we passed I was super confused and thought I was going to get hit - my startle reflex was large, but there was no thought or urge to bite. YAY!!!!
This is good forward movement. I texted all this to pnurse who also agreed this is good work!, tho she didn't indicate anything about my work situation. Tonight I asked for more clarification (all this via text) about it, but have not heard back.
Just to be safe, tomorrow I will claim neck and back pain (and did see a neurologist and have an upper spine MRI) as my need to sit across the table from the child (I am in PT anyway, and can obtain a dr's note if need be, tho I don't see why I would need one). I will also take a PRN for anxiety before my session - take all precautions, in case the child comes to me.
In being very pro-active about this, I think I can meet all the chances of the unknowns.... and before bed tonight, again go over with my system our new people and new roles, do's, don'ts, and that assertive, healthy young women use words to get needs met.

*hugs*♥♥♥

Thinking of you!!!!!! (((((((Hugs)))))))))

Safe hugs if you want them Kiya. I wish I had words to help.

Working in co-operation for the greater cause of survival of the system is a much better way to live, if not at all. We have our meetings and body rules and a lead to take us in direction, for a house divided...

I hope that you can get most everyone on board. Not all will join because they are abusers or persecutors, but they can be contained.

It sounds like you have got a really good start on it. Keep up the good work because it takes all of us to make it go.

Thank you everyone.
I got an "I think we're ok for now" from pnurse due to my being proactive and outlining immediate, concrete (as well as internal) plans for change. Said she has to write a report on all that we talked about (gulp) but that's to be expected.
*** ***
The office called as I'm typing this... I nearly didn't answer. I though "here we go. It came up. My life is ruined."
"I have a situation I wanted to talk to you about..."
Heart goes into my throat as I manage to stay outwardly calm and not yell "I didn't really do it!!! You don't understand!!! I'm DID and one of me thinks she's a wolf!!!!"
They just wanted me to sub for one of my former students for a week or two.
*pass out*
Now I'll have to tell pnurse. I'm sure she'll tell me I made a bad choice. I have a hard time saying no. :/
Anyway, I had a long talk with wolf last night before bed about how she's not bad and I'm not mad at her, but biting children is bad and would have very bad consequences for us. How being a wolf no longer equals freedom any more- it could mean incarceration. That, yes, wolf pups bite each other in play, but we're in a human body, and this isn't play. This is real. She's still not liking the new personality she is to assume and is still grumbling about it (even though it would be more powerful than a wolf). She just said to me "it's a fictional character ". I may need to call a different therapist for immediate intervention.
Put your seat belts on folks (and muzzles) we teach in 90 minutes.

Kiya I have faith in you and your system to do the right thing.

Well! The child got sick in the car on the way, so they cancelled. Reprieve.
I started with yet another new t (one with DID experience) that I am paying out of pocket for. Like an immediate intervention. I talked her ear off. She said two thugs I found interesting. One: if the alter is truly an animal alter and refuses to be a human, this is a natural animal instinct. ( uhhh... Ok... But... Uh oh).
Two, I need to teach the student about personal space. That we each have one and that I am more comfortable if she doesn't put her hands in mine, and she probably doesn't want people in her space either.
I am also thinking that when I see her hands coming toward my face, I can put my hands out and cover hers. That keeps us both safe while I figure out what to do with my wolfling.