[Lady Lindsey]

I ask myself that question 20 times a day. I don't know.

Parts of me are a mother, a wife, a Leader/Boss, has a passion for horses

Then other parts of me are frightened, terrified and scared.

Why can't I just be one person.... why do I have to have parts... when will it get better? How many years of therapy does it take to be one person with one trend of thought.

I don't know who I am half the time.... I just let what ever part of me is responsible for the moment and let them do what they need to do... I don't remember but that's ok, because I function and life goes on.

Who am I??? What have I become???? Why do I feel like I am evil??? Why do I not remember so much???? why can't I just be done with this... I am tired of therapy, I am tired of realizing my wonderful childhood, was a figment of my imagination.... when is enough, enough..

Who am I???? I don't know.

I am lost, I am confused, I am frightened, I want to deny that I have DID, I am terrified of what I am uncovering.

I just want this over, I just want to be one person, with one thought pattern, I just want to be normal!

I hear you sweety. I get so hung up on "who am I now?" It's tiring. We can tell who we are by the head voice and feeling. I've quit trying to make sense of it all. We're everyone, but no one in particular, the best I can say. Luv

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Lady Lindsey

I ask myself that question 20 times a day. I don't know.

Parts of me are a mother, a wife, a Leader/Boss, has a passion for horses

Then other parts of me are frightened, terrified and scared.

Why can't I just be one person.... why do I have to have parts... when will it get better? How many years of therapy does it take to be one person with one trend of thought.

I don't know who I am half the time.... I just let what ever part of me is responsible for the moment and let them do what they need to do... I don't remember but that's ok, because I function and life goes on.

Who am I??? What have I become???? Why do I feel like I am evil??? Why do I not remember so much???? why can't I just be done with this... I am tired of therapy, I am tired of realizing my wonderful childhood, was a figment of my imagination.... when is enough, enough..

Who am I???? I don't know.

I am lost, I am confused, I am frightened, I want to deny that I have DID, I am terrified of what I am uncovering.

I just want this over, I just want to be one person, with one thought pattern, I just want to be normal!

even normal people have parts of self example I am a mother/wife/daughter, sister, treatment provider, co worker, my passion is canoeing, sailing, the arts (love broadway shows) and I have normal parts of self where I'm happy, frightened, excited, exhausted, angry.... and I am now one whole person. All my alters have been integrated.

Just because a person becomes one again doesnt mean their designation of who they are becomes simple and only one thing...it just means they have control over which emotion which side of their self they choose to show the world...example when I am at work I am the co worker\employee...when Im with my siblings I am their sister, when I am with my wife I am a wife, when I am with my children I am their mother. when I am feeling angry I can control that anger and express it in appropriate ways at appropriate times....

when someone becomes one (their alters integrate\merge with them to become one person again) nothing is lost\left behind or dies. everything the alters are becomes the birth person again rather than separated through dissociation.

who are you.....well according to your post here in this thread you as a whole are a mother/wife\leader\boss....all those things in your post. i bet if you read your other posts you have done on psych central you will find out about who you are.

[possum220]

Everybody has differing aspects in themselves, parent, adult child etc. With DID it gets more fragmented. You are you. All the parts of you make the whole person. Like an orange, it has a skin and pips and segments and pith and all of those things put together make an orange. Even a jigsaw with many many parts will make a picture.

No it's not as basic as that but do you understand what I mean? Accepting DID is not easy and will be a process. I found it hard at the start to come to terms with it too. Sometimes it can be helpful to relax and not to cram even more into our own heads. It is hard. Breathe.........

Take care.

[SeekerOfLife]

Hi Lindsey. I dissociate to a degree. With the CSA. I remember only a little. But I DO NOT want to remember any more. I have been told dissociation is our minds way of protecting us when we just could not handle that something horrible was happening. I sometimes feel fragmented. Like a bunch of loosely held together pieces trying to be one. I think a puzzle is a good example. To ask "who am I", is a good question. Have you talked to T about this?

[Fuzzybear]

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by SeekerOfLife

Hi Lindsey. I dissociate to a degree. With the CSA. I remember only a little. But I DO NOT want to remember any more. I have been told dissociation is our minds way of protecting us when we just could not handle that something horrible was happening. I sometimes feel fragmented. Like a bunch of loosely held together pieces trying to be one. I think a puzzle is a good example. To ask "who am I", is a good question. Have you talked to T about this?

Seeker, Yes I have talked with her numerous times about it, and she states pretty much what AmandaLouise and Possum have said.
She compares it to my Diamond Ring, that it is multi-faceted, and beautiful.... she goes into more detail, but that always makes me feel a little better.

I think with the death of my Nephew, and all that I have gone through since I was shot, has put a lot of stress on me and causing me to dissociate more than I would like to admit. I hate not remembering posts, I post here, or things I write in my Journal, or finding things I can't remember buying.... I know It's a Journey... I just wish it would get to the end of it sooner than later.

Originally Posted by possum220

Everybody has differing aspects in themselves, parent, adult child etc. With DID it gets more fragmented. You are you. All the parts of you make the whole person. Like an orange, it has a skin and pips and segments and pith and all of those things put together make an orange. Even a jigsaw with many many parts will make a picture.

No it's not as basic as that but do you understand what I mean? Accepting DID is not easy and will be a process. I found it hard at the start to come to terms with it too. Sometimes it can be helpful to relax and not to cram even more into our own heads. It is hard. Breathe.........

Take care.

Possum, you are right it is not an easy process, I have been overthinking things way too much. Breathing is always a good coping skill I plan on getting a good ride in today on my newest horse, that always helps too

Originally Posted by amandalouise

even normal people have parts of self example I am a mother/wife/daughter, sister, treatment provider, co worker, my passion is canoeing, sailing, the arts (love broadway shows) and I have normal parts of self where I'm happy, frightened, excited, exhausted, angry.... and I am now one whole person. All my alters have been integrated.

.....when someone becomes one (their alters integrate\merge with them to become one person again) nothing is lost\left behind or dies. everything the alters are becomes the birth person again rather than separated through dissociation.

who are you.....well according to your post here in this thread you as a whole are a mother/wife\leader\boss....all those things in your post. i bet if you read your other posts you have done on psych central you will find out about who you are.

AmandaLouise The fact that you are whole, gives me hope. I have been working on this so long, at times I feel like there is no end. Seems like I make 1 step forward and 3 steps back.... thanks for your encouraging words

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I hear you sweety. I get so hung up on "who am I now?" It's tiring. We can tell who we are by the head voice and feeling. I've quit trying to make sense of it all. We're everyone, but no one in particular, the best I can say. Luv

Alwayschanging,
I had a main voice for years... but for some reason recently he is quiet. For all my life, when I would be somewhere I didn't know how I got there, or be in the middle of a conversation and not remember what I was talking about, or when I would rest and come back and two weeks had gone by, he would fill in the gaps, with just enough information to help me stay stable, to bluff my way through the rest of the conversation or just know where I had been for two weeks, without a lot of detail.... I think with him being silent, makes it the hardest..... I am not sure if it is my system trying to force me to be more co-conscious or what, but it scares me not to remember whole conversations, days, etc... without the help of his voice to fill in the gaps...

I was just reading this and felt compelled to respond.

Everyone wears different hats. Our problem though is that everytime we put on a different hat, we are a different person. I would so like to be the same person wearing different hats, but that isn't my lot in life.

Who am I? I'm an individual that is a product of a long abused life from the start that has found away to deal with it through dissociation. I had absolutely no control over how things went, so I can't regret ever doing anything making me who I have become today.

After years of living (47) actually, I've grown to accept things the way they are because I can't see it being any different ever again. When I was a young adult, I used to vex over myself with great frustration and anxiety, crying and wishing that I was normal- It didn't help any. Today, it's nothing but a thing. Let's just say, I lived and still live a very interestingly adventurous existence- I'm never bored.

I hear a lot of frustration and anxiety in your voice because you find your situation unacceptable, I truly can understand that for no one wants to be like this- not even I.

I just can hope that you find your happiness, get well.