[wantingtobecomplete]

Hi guys, first post. Im 28 female.

Growing up i always thought it was normal not to remember massive chunks of life. Mum and dad had 5 kids. We all the same cant remember most life. Same as mum. Ok so recently i realised that this wasnt normal as a friend of mine could remember as far back as kinder!! Even the houses she lived in she could remember. They mived several times yet she knew all of them etc. me, i dont remember the inside of nearly every house except one where i have a layout of house etc. dad was extremely violent, mean nasty person. We were homeschooled at home rarely seen others except at church. No radio tele etc. dad truckdrived so he was gone a bit back a bit etc. my 2 younger sisters have memories of sexual abuse from dad which just came out a cpl years ago. Mum acted shocked crying etc but then it hit me of this memory of telling her and she had said dont be silly and had gotton upset. When i adked ger aboyt this she had no recollection. Dad was weird like we had to go to his hoise every second weekend and i vaguely remembering trying to get out of the car. Anyway the window winder was removed and because he had a 2 door car (5 seater) he used to always have the child lock button on oassenger door. There was no way of getting out of car except through his door. And every car thereafter. I remember as about 4-6 i used to go out in backyard and sit at this little gate and eat dirt all the time. Also my own hair. Ehen i brought this up to my mother a cpl years ago how odd that was she brushed it off and said oh all kids do that. Another thing i found out wasnt to be so true. I can clearly remember everything of outside houses plants trees roads etc but very vague inside. I did a lil quiz on my family members the other day thru texts. I asked my 4 siblings a few questions to compare answers. What colour was our pet cat Simba? Answers: orange, grey, grey with white stripes, tabby etc. what happened to simba where did it go? Answers: eaten by a fox, run over by car, ran away, etc. i then proceded to ask who of us sgared a room in each diff house, again all different answers. I asked about pictures on walls or the furniture no one remember except for the dining table as mum still has this. I asked what cars we had growing up while mum and dad were still together (not dads cars sfter) answers: yellow car, van, red ute so on. After looking at my page this had me so worried that all grown adults had no idea of anything or at least different opinions etc. how could we completely not remember one meal in a house we lived in for 6 years. A birthday party, a present, anything. Also in this house we also started school in and went to private christian school. After being home schooled till grade 2 u think i would be excited and remember my teacher - no idea of my teachers from 2-8. Vague memories of faces of different kids etc but no memories. Anyway im a creative person. Im a good drawer and iften sketch. In my sketch books there appeared a childlike drawing of rainbows etc that i clearly wouldnt draw unless i was much much younger. Then appeared another one.it confused me and i thought a child or one of my nieces had drawn in there but then i stumbled across writing in the book of childrens writing of a paragraph. However galf way through paragraph it turns into my adult writing! How i write now! But i have no recollection having wrote it. Thats how i stumbked across dissociative disrder. When my 2 younger sisters come forward with sexyal abuse a cpl years ago we all seemed to go off the rails in own ways, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, bulimia etc. but now have all gained control back. However after sending these texts out i noticed my sister eho had bulimia sent me 7 texts in a matter of minutes about 7 different foods she was eating and i hadset her off. I backed off with all of them. Any time i question anything we all trance off. Ive bever been able to listen to conversations and seem extremely rude like not listening. However i received a+ in all school work after going back thru all my reports!! So strange. Clearly i was good at school but have hardly memory of it. Also when lining up at a nightclub to go out one night a girl approached me telling me we were good friends in orimary school yet i had no memory. So bizarre. Also obe time i was drivi g my daughter to drop her at childcare and i had no idea where i was going. Pulled iver on side if riad had to go home. I have memories of the inside of dads horrible old dark yucky house that he had after mum keft him. Mum never saw that place. It had olden day keys old farm hoyse in middle of nowhere. I remember really strange things about that house. Like dad would leave me and my brother there while he was away in truck etc and we were not to open doors if anyone came. Like there was always banging when dad not there. He used to say it was dopey the guy he rented farmhouse off chasing rent. So i have memories of hiding under a single bed when id hear the banging so so frightened. Intense fears etc. even times alone there at 8 or so when my brother and dad had gone to shop. Our driveway was 6ks long dirt track etc yet as soon as they were gone there was banging again . After that dad nailed the olden day windows that u slide up. He put two big nails in the windows at too so they coukd only be lifted an inch. That was normal to us but looking back its weird. And i gave memories of being in dads bed. Dont know why when sureky i must have had a bed. And there was this old switch behind the bed that made a loud click. I can see and hear the cliiiiick and then darkness. So in saying so im quite sure that dad also sexually abused the rest of us and not just the two that have clear memories of a few times.anyway im sick if it i just want to know, to heal and move forward. I wint date or make friends im secluded and isolate myself. Cant handle tele radio etc need quiet lots.mjust want to feel normal again. Functioning. There were times after 18 i went solid patches without panic attacks, could watch tele and so on, but now its like life is over im in my room. Frightened fearful and im a grien woman. How can i please help. I need this to move forward. Thankyou so much for and thoughts etc in advance and i appreciate u reading.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by wantingtobecomplete

Hi guys, first post. Im 28 female.

Growing up i always thought it was normal not to remember massive chunks of life. Mum and dad had 5 kids. We all the same cant remember most life. Same as mum. Ok so recently i realised that this wasnt normal as a friend of mine could remember as far back as kinder!! Even the houses she lived in she could remember. They mived several times yet she knew all of them etc. me, i dont remember the inside of nearly every house except one where i have a layout of house etc. dad was extremely violent, mean nasty person. We were homeschooled at home rarely seen others except at church. No radio tele etc. dad truckdrived so he was gone a bit back a bit etc. my 2 younger sisters have memories of sexual abuse from dad which just came out a cpl years ago. Mum acted shocked crying etc but then it hit me of this memory of telling her and she had said dont be silly and had gotton upset. When i adked ger aboyt this she had no recollection. Dad was weird like we had to go to his hoise every second weekend and i vaguely remembering trying to get out of the car. Anyway the window winder was removed and because he had a 2 door car (5 seater) he used to always have the child lock button on oassenger door. There was no way of getting out of car except through his door. And every car thereafter. I remember as about 4-6 i used to go out in backyard and sit at this little gate and eat dirt all the time. Also my own hair. Ehen i brought this up to my mother a cpl years ago how odd that was she brushed it off and said oh all kids do that. Another thing i found out wasnt to be so true. I can clearly remember everything of outside houses plants trees roads etc but very vague inside. I did a lil quiz on my family members the other day thru texts. I asked my 4 siblings a few questions to compare answers. What colour was our pet cat Simba? Answers: orange, grey, grey with white stripes, tabby etc. what happened to simba where did it go? Answers: eaten by a fox, run over by car, ran away, etc. i then proceded to ask who of us sgared a room in each diff house, again all different answers. I asked about pictures on walls or the furniture no one remember except for the dining table as mum still has this. I asked what cars we had growing up while mum and dad were still together (not dads cars sfter) answers: yellow car, van, red ute so on. After looking at my page this had me so worried that all grown adults had no idea of anything or at least different opinions etc. how could we completely not remember one meal in a house we lived in for 6 years. A birthday party, a present, anything. Also in this house we also started school in and went to private christian school. After being home schooled till grade 2 u think i would be excited and remember my teacher - no idea of my teachers from 2-8. Vague memories of faces of different kids etc but no memories. Anyway im a creative person. Im a good drawer and iften sketch. In my sketch books there appeared a childlike drawing of rainbows etc that i clearly wouldnt draw unless i was much much younger. Then appeared another one.it confused me and i thought a child or one of my nieces had drawn in there but then i stumbled across writing in the book of childrens writing of a paragraph. However galf way through paragraph it turns into my adult writing! How i write now! But i have no recollection having wrote it. Thats how i stumbked across dissociative disrder. When my 2 younger sisters come forward with sexyal abuse a cpl years ago we all seemed to go off the rails in own ways, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, bulimia etc. but now have all gained control back. However after sending these texts out i noticed my sister eho had bulimia sent me 7 texts in a matter of minutes about 7 different foods she was eating and i hadset her off. I backed off with all of them. Any time i question anything we all trance off. Ive bever been able to listen to conversations and seem extremely rude like not listening. However i received a+ in all school work after going back thru all my reports!! So strange. Clearly i was good at school but have hardly memory of it. Also when lining up at a nightclub to go out one night a girl approached me telling me we were good friends in orimary school yet i had no memory. So bizarre. Also obe time i was drivi g my daughter to drop her at childcare and i had no idea where i was going. Pulled iver on side if riad had to go home. I have memories of the inside of dads horrible old dark yucky house that he had after mum keft him. Mum never saw that place. It had olden day keys old farm hoyse in middle of nowhere. I remember really strange things about that house. Like dad would leave me and my brother there while he was away in truck etc and we were not to open doors if anyone came. Like there was always banging when dad not there. He used to say it was dopey the guy he rented farmhouse off chasing rent. So i have memories of hiding under a single bed when id hear the banging so so frightened. Intense fears etc. even times alone there at 8 or so when my brother and dad had gone to shop. Our driveway was 6ks long dirt track etc yet as soon as they were gone there was banging again . After that dad nailed the olden day windows that u slide up. He put two big nails in the windows at too so they coukd only be lifted an inch. That was normal to us but looking back its weird. And i gave memories of being in dads bed. Dont know why when sureky i must have had a bed. And there was this old switch behind the bed that made a loud click. I can see and hear the cliiiiick and then darkness. So in saying so im quite sure that dad also sexually abused the rest of us and not just the two that have clear memories of a few times.anyway im sick if it i just want to know, to heal and move forward. I wint date or make friends im secluded and isolate myself. Cant handle tele radio etc need quiet lots.mjust want to feel normal again. Functioning. There were times after 18 i went solid patches without panic attacks, could watch tele and so on, but now its like life is over im in my room. Frightened fearful and im a grien woman. How can i please help. I need this to move forward. Thankyou so much for and thoughts etc in advance and i appreciate u reading.

my thoughts ...how a person remembers things can be normal or any number of physical or mental problem...

what jumps out at me in your post...eating dirt and hair....here in my location this is not called dissociation. here in my location eating dirt and hair is a medical problem called Pica. its where if you dont eat right , get enough vitamins and minerals the body craves those vitamins and minerals from other sources than food, like eating dirt, hair, rust, paint and other high in iron and minerals sources.

here in my location dissociation is a reaction to a trigger....

example getting scared or nervous about something causes me to feel numb and spaced out, feeling numb and spaced out is a dissociative symptom.

there is memory problems with some dissociative disorders but other things can also cause memory problems to the extent you posted...stress, lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of fluids/dehydration, gosh here in america there are so many normal things that can cause a person not to remember huge chunks of their life, even genetics (in other words not having a good memory can just be what happens to run in some peoples families. ) Here in america we also have so many medical problems and mental problems that can cause a person to not remember much of their childhood.

the bottom line though is that we cant tell you what your problem is. only a treatment provider (doctor, therapist, psychiatrist...) can tell you that.

my suggestion is that if this continues ot bother you contact a treatment provider in your off the computer location. they can diagnose whether this is normal for you or if its a medical or mental health problem and how to best treat it.

[wantingtobecomplete]

Thanks so much for ur reply yeah i find myself when in anxious states i go airy and zone out completely.. Hard to explain. Like after something scares me i act spaced out etc like people will be talking i can hear them but im going further away..

Yes you are correct it is called pica - but i read that it was closely associated with people that had DID so thought to add that.

Thanks again

[wantingtobecomplete]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

my thoughts ...how a person remembers things can be normal or any number of physical or mental problem...

what jumps out at me in your post...eating dirt and hair....here in my location this is not called dissociation. here in my location eating dirt and hair is a medical problem called Pica. its where if you dont eat right , get enough vitamins and minerals the body craves those vitamins and minerals from other sources than food, like eating dirt, hair, rust, paint and other high in iron and minerals sources.

here in my location dissociation is a reaction to a trigger....

example getting scared or nervous about something causes me to feel numb and spaced out, feeling numb and spaced out is a dissociative symptom.

there is memory problems with some dissociative disorders but other things can also cause memory problems to the extent you posted...stress, lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of fluids/dehydration, gosh here in america there are so many normal things that can cause a person not to remember huge chunks of their life, even genetics (in other words not having a good memory can just be what happens to run in some peoples families. ) Here in america we also have so many medical problems and mental problems that can cause a person to not remember much of their childhood.

the bottom line though is that we cant tell you what your problem is. only a treatment provider (doctor, therapist, psychiatrist...) can tell you that.

my suggestion is that if this continues ot bother you contact a treatment provider in your off the computer location. they can diagnose whether this is normal for you or if its a medical or mental health problem and how to best treat it.

Thanks so much for your reply, i thought i replied but i must not have so here goes,
Your very correct it is pica i mentioned that as i saw its linked to trauma or sexual abuse etc if it goes on for a child older than a couple years (i think ive read that right).

Why i think our family dissociates (and again i know very little of did) when something happens to make me fearful or anxious etc i like space out its like i can hear someone talking but they are fading away. Hard to explain its like zoning out but so strong past daydreaming. Its like i feel my body getting over stimulated or overwhelmed fast and i have to shut off..

People can say after that things were spoken or told to me and i have no idea what they are talking about. Time can disappear like this fog sets in for however long ...other members of my family do it its like a glaze comes over i dunno..:/ does this make any sense?
When i was younger i started writing my name on my arm and address is case i forgot who i was,, but for years later on life ive had no problem ,, rememb events normally just not younger stuff,, or any times of high anxiety etc etc..

Hi WTBC, welcome to PC!

I'm so sorry that you and your siblings had to go through all that. Children of trauma and abuse usually don't fair well in adulthood. Do you have a therapist that you can talk to?

Some of the things that you described sounds familiar, I'll say that. I have memory issues too. I just have fragments of the past that I know to be real. Even today my days and weeks have holes in it. I couldn't describe a whole day in order if my life depended on it, unless the others helped me out a bit.

It all sounds like you might have some form of a dissociative disorder that you wrote, but I couldn't tell you which one. Even Borderline Personality Disorder stems from abuse. Only a T can tell you what ails you.

I hope that you get well and find the mental relief that you need.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by wantingtobecomplete

Thanks so much for your reply, i thought i replied but i must not have so here goes,
Your very correct it is pica i mentioned that as i saw its linked to trauma or sexual abuse etc if it goes on for a child older than a couple years (i think ive read that right).

Why i think our family dissociates (and again i know very little of did) when something happens to make me fearful or anxious etc i like space out its like i can hear someone talking but they are fading away. Hard to explain its like zoning out but so strong past daydreaming. Its like i feel my body getting over stimulated or overwhelmed fast and i have to shut off..

People can say after that things were spoken or told to me and i have no idea what they are talking about. Time can disappear like this fog sets in for however long ...other members of my family do it its like a glaze comes over i dunno..:/ does this make any sense?
When i was younger i started writing my name on my arm and address is case i forgot who i was,, but for years later on life ive had no problem ,, rememb events normally just not younger stuff,, or any times of high anxiety etc etc..

you did post before to me. one thing you might not realize is that your first 5 posts dont show up right away, its a spam thing where the first 5 posts of new members goes in to the moderators before they get seen on the boards. this way if its someone intent on harming and spamming it doesnt affect the other members.

no pica is not associated with abuse. dont believe everything you find on the internet, you will find all kinds of stuff that is not true on the internet. having Pica has nothing to do with being abused.

the best place to get information in regards to your self and your history is your own treatment providers.

dissociation happens on a normal level as well as abnormal and can be part of any mental or physical health problems.

I can also tell you that the type of memory problems with DID are a very special kind that goes beyond the normal. I cant tell you if it makes sense or not because I am not your treatment provider...

only your treatment provider can tell you what is going on with in you.

here at psych central we share our stories, a part of our lives and then those that have something in common will reply back. some people who feel comfortable will give virtual hugs and thanks to let each other know they have read their posts and want to give them a hug or thanks.

example of what we do here...

I am integrated meaning all my alters have now been merged back together with me and I am one whole person now. I still have huge chunks of memories that I can not remember... my treatment providers call it normal, part of my having MS (multiple Sclerosis which is a medical not mental problem) those lacking memories are also during times when I was actively having eating disorder problems so most likely because I wasnt eating right those memories never got stored in my long term memories.)...

when I wasnt integrated and carried the diagnosis of DID everything I could not remember was with in the alters memories. when a topic that I could not remember was being discussed the alter with that memory took control and told about that memory. the memories that I did not have at that time were not lost or gone, just stored with in and as alternate personalities.

[finding_my_way]

memory is always a strange thing and different for everyone. i grew up with three older sisters. one of them doesn't remember things before the age of 9 (before i was born). i don't know how the oldest one's memories were though regarding childhood.

for myself, i remember school and friends and the insides of houses i lived but not much about how the household was in terms of interactions with family members until i was 11 and my household changed for the better.

in saying that though, there were also a lot of things i didn't remember, specifically trauma, that my mother remembered or things i remembered that others didn't or i got one small part of it wrong but the rest was right.

memory gaps for me have always been confusing, and i've always had short and long term memory issues including while i was in school and even just what day it is or what month and think something happened a year or so ago when it was longer.

like others suggested, it might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist things are distressing to you.

[wantingtobecomplete]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Hi WTBC, welcome to PC!

I'm so sorry that you and your siblings had to go through all that. Children of trauma and abuse usually don't fair well in adulthood. Do you have a therapist that you can talk to?

Some of the things that you described sounds familiar, I'll say that. I have memory issues too. I just have fragments of the past that I know to be real. Even today my days and weeks have holes in it. I couldn't describe a whole day in order if my life depended on it, unless the others helped me out a bit.

It all sounds like you might have some form of a dissociative disorder that you wrote, but I couldn't tell you which one. Even Borderline Personality Disorder stems from abuse. Only a T can tell you what ails you.

I hope that you get well and find the mental relief that you need.

Thanks so much its lovely to meet u. I do have apsychiatrist and a psychologist that im seeing for ptsd and anxiety etc for a car accident me and my best friend were in in 2013.

Possible trigger:

We were driving home at night when a drug crazy driver started speeding up behind us and repeatedly ramming my car trying to kill us and get us off the road. My best friend was driving telling me to ring police and i just froze and kept coming bk in and out when i rang police etc. this went on for half an hour a very traumatic thing. Police got him and he had mistaken my car for his wife and was on his way to kill her.

My car was a write off. Was really horrible. Anyway my friend was shocked at my version as i couldnt remember a lot of it like where it started and so on when she remembered every detail and said i had gone quiet at points saying its ok baby its ok to myself etc. i started having nightmares and extreme anxiety etc etc ptsd. And thru that started seeing psych. One time she asked about my life before hand when i was younger and thats when i was like wow i dont rememember much at all and was fearful and didnt go back. Avoided the situation and went dazed for weeks after. My family have bi polar, adhd, anxiety, depression, and my sisters phsych for her sexual abuse was starting to get into dissociation when she stopped going back as well. How did you all go at therapist was it hard for u to go? Its like one day i need to go then the next i avoid and any mention of anything i will retreat and not let anyone know and just be like im fine fine. Its like a war of opinions. Also out of curiosity has anyone that has a dissociation disorder experienced sleep paralysis? I went through a stage of getting it every night after car incident it was so horrible and i started staying with my best friend everynight she would sit next to my bed and watch until i was peacefully sleeping etc.

Possible trigger:

last uear she was driving home and was in a car accident on the same road we were traumatised on. She sped through an intersection as we often did travelling that rd after and she was killed by another car.

She was my only friend. She was my everything. I then just dazed off even more. Like ill have days of grief so overwhelming then ill just drift off and be like unfased by anything. Kind of like before ot gets too much. its like when i walk into a supermarket etc its all too much noise lights etc and i just go into this zombie state functioning but not functioning lol it sounds weird.
But yes im going to try to go back to therapist and do the work. in the mean time ill keep journalling etc. ill take a picture of what i found in my journal.

[wantingtobecomplete]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

memory is always a strange thing and different for everyone. i grew up with three older sisters. one of them doesn't remember things before the age of 9 (before i was born). i don't know how the oldest one's memories were though regarding childhood.

for myself, i remember school and friends and the insides of houses i lived but not much about how the household was in terms of interactions with family members until i was 11 and my household changed for the better.

in saying that though, there were also a lot of things i didn't remember, specifically trauma, that my mother remembered or things i remembered that others didn't or i got one small part of it wrong but the rest was right.

memory gaps for me have always been confusing, and i've always had short and long term memory issues including while i was in school and even just what day it is or what month and think something happened a year or so ago when it was longer.

like others suggested, it might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist things are distressing to you.

Thanks so much for your reply great to meet and chat!
Yeah i have moved numorous times as an adult and rememember the insides of houses etc etc not as a good a memory as most and often get things in wrong order of houses moved etc but Memory is terrible. When checking ur replies beforehand i was cleaning house walking around clear not now i have these tingles sort of hearing things in distant its like i know im doing it and then once this reply sent and i get up walk outside and the fresh air hits me i say right sort of back to me haha

[wantingtobecomplete]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

you did post before to me. one thing you might not realize is that your first 5 posts dont show up right away, its a spam thing where the first 5 posts of new members goes in to the moderators before they get seen on the boards. this way if its someone intent on harming and spamming it doesnt affect the other members.

no pica is not associated with abuse. dont believe everything you find on the internet, you will find all kinds of stuff that is not true on the internet. having Pica has nothing to do with being abused.

the best place to get information in regards to your self and your history is your own treatment providers.

dissociation happens on a normal level as well as abnormal and can be part of any mental or physical health problems.

I can also tell you that the type of memory problems with DID are a very special kind that goes beyond the normal. I cant tell you if it makes sense or not because I am not your treatment provider...

only your treatment provider can tell you what is going on with in you.

here at psych central we share our stories, a part of our lives and then those that have something in common will reply back. some people who feel comfortable will give virtual hugs and thanks to let each other know they have read their posts and want to give them a hug or thanks.

example of what we do here...

I am integrated meaning all my alters have now been merged back together with me and I am one whole person now. I still have huge chunks of memories that I can not remember... my treatment providers call it normal, part of my having MS (multiple Sclerosis which is a medical not mental problem) those lacking memories are also during times when I was actively having eating disorder problems so most likely because I wasnt eating right those memories never got stored in my long term memories.)...

when I wasnt integrated and carried the diagnosis of DID everything I could not remember was with in the alters memories. when a topic that I could not remember was being discussed the alter with that memory took control and told about that memory. the memories that I did not have at that time were not lost or gone, just stored with in and as alternate personalities.

Oh thats great that you have managed to integrate! And yep thanks so much for telling me that i will definetly go and see my therapist and get diagnosis from them then ill know whats going on. im starting to keep a journal to which i find helpful

[-jimi-]

It sounds even dreamlike when you talk about how you grew up. Well, nightmarish but also vague. It must be very strange that all children react the same way, now grown up. Like, what was reality really? It would really bother me.

I'm not dissociative and I grew up fairly normal. I have plenty of memories from places I lived and been. Some stuff I have totally forgotten because it was not relevant to a child, I more remember things that affected me the age I was. So there are many things I do not remember, because as a child I did not focus on them. Also over time, some memories have faded or gotten distorted.

Still, they are plentiful. They clearly contribute to a timeline from when I was very little to when I became an adult. Some people have less detailed memories and more sweeping, some have more emotional memories than others, some have forgotten quite a bit, but if they grew up fairly OK, they have this feeling the way they remember is fine. There is nothing iffy or spooky about it.

I can quarrel with my family a bit about things I say I remember right, but it is not about everything and it is certainly not about very important things, well, people saw it from different perspectives and noticed different details. We could argue which vacation we went where and if this and that thing happened on one vacation or another. We might not know who had which bicycle at what age. But it does not happen that we all come up with all different answers, like we really lived different realities. Like we could agree on the color of the cat and roughly when we got him. The way you talked about your cat sounded very spooky and vague. It is definitely not "normal".

I'm not sure exactly what I want to say, but I think it is that, I think there is something very, very wrong with your childhood and your family. I just felt I wanted to validate that. In case you come to a point where you think it wasn't THAT weird... Don't forget to trust your instinct on this.

I'd also want to say to the possible little one inside not to feel afraid. And that if you feel afraid, remember there are good adults too, those who actually can be trusted.

[wantingtobecomplete]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

It sounds even dreamlike when you talk about how you grew up. Well, nightmarish but also vague. It must be very strange that all children react the same way, now grown up. Like, what was reality really? It would really bother me.

I'm not dissociative and I grew up fairly normal. I have plenty of memories from places I lived and been. Some stuff I have totally forgotten because it was not relevant to a child, I more remember things that affected me the age I was. So there are many things I do not remember, because as a child I did not focus on them. Also over time, some memories have faded or gotten distorted.

Still, they are plentiful. They clearly contribute to a timeline from when I was very little to when I became an adult. Some people have less detailed memories and more sweeping, some have more emotional memories than others, some have forgotten quite a bit, but if they grew up fairly OK, they have this feeling the way they remember is fine. There is nothing iffy or spooky about it.

I can quarrel with my family a bit about things I say I remember right, but it is not about everything and it is certainly not about very important things, well, people saw it from different perspectives and noticed different details. We could argue which vacation we went where and if this and that thing happened on one vacation or another. We might not know who had which bicycle at what age. But it does not happen that we all come up with all different answers, like we really lived different realities. Like we could agree on the color of the cat and roughly when we got him. The way you talked about your cat sounded very spooky and vague. It is definitely not "normal".

I'm not sure exactly what I want to say, but I think it is that, I think there is something very, very wrong with your childhood and your family. I just felt I wanted to validate that. In case you come to a point where you think it wasn't THAT weird... Don't forget to trust your instinct on this.

I'd also want to say to the possible little one inside not to feel afraid. And that if you feel afraid, remember there are good adults too, those who actually can be trusted.

Thanks for your reply..i actually got scared reading ur reply.. Because its the truth...i know its weird in fact it freaks me out so bad because i know its bad..and thankyou for saying that because my whole life everyone has told me thats ok but inside its like im screaming no no no its not ok but no one believes so we just smile and lie coz no one woukd believe. But any time i try i get shut down from my whole family. no one wants to deal with it but me but im scared of talking to anyone. How can i tell myself that anyone is going to believe me coz i tried once and now its like i cant. Like i know but i only have myself to work stuff out with because no one in my family will validate or even admit that there was soooo wrong things. One time i tried to get help and tell and something really bad happened. I cant help but be scared. But im finding pictures im drawing without knowing of rainbows. Ive found 4 in the last week with writing in each corner of the picture saying god is good but rainbows are great and the other one saying god is great and another one with slightly different again... The rainbows have a different amount of lines in each picture and the colours are so wrong. Then i found writing starting off as a child and leading into my writing about the attic and "daddy" and a hammer and it scared me because it was me.. By the end it was my handwriting now. Ive been praying to god to give me strength and courage to go down this journey that has begun and to remember that Its only truth that will set us free....

[-jimi-]

I wish you all the best, it does not sound like an easy thing, but maybe now is the time to start. If it was me I would be terrified. But there seem to be strength in the "rainbow child". The truth will always win, I tell myself that a lot, sometimes I believe it sometimes not. But I hope it is what really happens. I hope there is truth and justice at the end, then it will be worth all the work.