My thoughts on being a Multiple.

There has been some discussion on whether mutiples exist or whether it's just ego states and I have to admit that I have found this a bit distressing. Kind of- Are you saying 'I don't exist.'

The fact is the range of PTSD to DID is different for everyone. Yes every multiple is different and the healing journey is different too.

Many years ago I didn't know what was happening to me, how could I, I was only a child and the dissociation saved me from great pain.

And when I walked into therapy over five years ago I was less than half a person, just a shadow. I am so much more than that now. Yes, I am a multiple, used to think of myself as a freak but now realise that it is something to celebrate? It saved my life, I wouldn't have survived without it and I'm still here- all of me.

well... if alters JUST ARE ego states then it would seem that they exist surely as ego states exist - wouldn't it?

i think one notion was that alters were ego states that had been elaborated more.

still not seeing any non-existence going on...

i'm glad you are doing alright... its something of a journey huh.

As you know Pegasus our multiples save our lives in various ways, if it we'rent for them we wouldn't exsit to fight and soar through each day, we are greatful that you saw we needed help the other day, bless you for being here for us

I don't have multiples; my ptsd has caused other forms of dissociation. However, while reading this thread something popped out at me. Maybe we should remove the word "just" from the description of ego states. It seems to have a dismissive or diminishing effect and if you looked at it without that word it might not be so painful. Of course you exist, every darn part of you. I would be devastated if i felt any part of my fragmentation didn't exist. It's the integration of these fragments that I am working on in therapy. So, although they are not multiples, they are there and they are parts of me just as much as my fingers and toes!

(((((((((((((((((((((pegasus)))))))))))))))))))))) I am glad that you have healed so much over the last few years. All of you are very real and I am glad that you were able to survive the terrible pain collectively. Please take care.

BB

Thanks for the replies,

(((((((( alexandra k ))))))))

(((((((( nothemama )))))))

(((((((( sister ))))))))))

(((((((( bipolar bear ))))))))))

Yeah, it sure is a heck of a journey, accepting who I am, the way I am, the way we are.............and learning to be ok with all of it, can be a rough ride at times.

Ya, I didn't see any "Alters are JUSt ego states but developed more" either. Unless you count Sun Rises diffanition, I sort of thought that might have being what it was trying to say...

Look, sorry if I screwed up AGAIN...

But Peg, if Alters were just Ego States, as people have wrote, ego States don't really take you over very much, = DID does, Ego states feel like you I guess mostly = DID doesn't feel like you, Ego States more or less talk in 3ed person = DID can talk for themselves.
Ya, I don't think DID is JUST another form of ego States. . (If anyone wants my opinion.)

ShadowsinTheDay

Thanks. The healing continues....

i believe i said something about alters being elaborated ego states when i was talking about the continuum of dissociation.

The *elaborated* is what is doing most of the work, however...

I think that someone talked about how *everybody* has ego states. I don't (and the majority of theorists don't) use the term 'ego state' to refer to something that everybody has, however. Everybody has something... And ego states are elaborations on that (where once again *elaboration* is doing a lot of the work here).

So there is kind of something approximating normality (probably 'idealised functioning').

Some people benefit from doing important work on their 'inner children' and their traumatic early experiences and the like...

Sometimes those 'inner children' and traumatic early experiences kind of solidify a little by virtue of there being a more extreme than usual dissociative barrier between the different states. While state dependent memory is a feature of everybodies psychology when there is amnesia the state dependent memory is taken to an extreme. The solidification into fragments is about where I'd but the 'ego state' notion.

Then we can get even more elaboration on the different states (working up the continuum now). The states kind of build up knowledge and memories and abilities and the like in virtue of their becoming more complex and spending more time in control. Alters.

There is a continuum. Its not always clear where someone lies on the continuum. Someone can have personality fragments while having alters as well or whatever.

The very notion 'ego state' is very theory-laden. It seems to suggest a splitting of the ego and as such would give rise to the more 'rational' personalities. Some theorists believe that the majority of identities are more appropriately regarded as 'id states' as they are EP's (emotional personality's) rather than ANP's (apparently normal personalities).

Alexandra k, I respect your views and opinions but I really don't want to argue the toss over it. If you want to discuss ego states further please start your own thread.

My post was about coming to terms with what has happened to me, that it's ok to be a multiple and that healing does take place.

pegasus
thank you
for this moment youve made me realize that ive been so misguided
my alters saved me too
thank you for showing this to me
up until now i found them so frustrating and annoying and i hated the fact they existed in me
now i find an appreciation for them
i cant believe how horrible i was in my thoughts about them
thank you
thank you
thank you
((((((((pegasus))))))))

(((( Peg )))))

Thank you for posting this.

I have found some of it distressing as well.

yep, i realized long ago that these parts of my mind saved my life and kept me functioning, if in a confusing, fragmented way...it was still better than the alternative for the time.

they're a gift i gave myself when no one could or would gift me with the protection, safety i needed. pretty cool

they remained to protect me though it might not have been needed anymore, though the means of protection might not have been the best course, etc., but by then my mind was formed and preset. it's hard to change those presets, to know the ugly, to accept all that???

there were times i was so frustrated and hated this existence that i did curse it, but had to hold onto that bottom line...the intent, and even outcome, was best considering the options...whew. Perfect? No. Best for me? Yes.

Pegasus, and everyone sharing, thank you so much for allowing us to walk with you through this a little bit. This is where we help each other. It's also where we can help the new DID'er...those just dx'ed/in crisis/looking for help or relation, who are logging on for SOMETHING to grab hold of to move forward.

Love,

KD

i always held that it was a coping mechanism such technical thoughts
just never saw how real it was how important it was
how it is really more than just coping its life saving
just cant thank peg-s enuff for riting that down for us to see

really does give me something to hold onto
and ive been dx for some yrs now just denied it for such a long time...
now maybe wont be so ashamed to...
thank you thank you thank you

(((((( bronee ))))))

I think the first AND HARDEST step is embracing it...it's confusing, scary, and alot of other things...embracing it is hard but I think necessary.

It looks like you're on your way there. How cool is that!

We have to remember...denying doesn't make it go away, doesn't make it better, doesn't allow us to heal. Yes, I denied for years as well. In fact, my t wouldn't tell me for years because I knew I couldn't hear it let alone accept it, and I didn't for a long time after that! LOL.

Accepting it and myself, embracing all of it was where my healing began to take place. It was just that huge to my healing to this point.

We understand.

KD

(((((((((((((((((((((((((peg-s and kimmy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

true inspirations!!!

i was responding to this part of your post:

> There has been some discussion on whether mutiples exist or whether it's just ego states and I have to admit that I have found this a bit distressing. Kind of- Are you saying 'I don't exist.'

in order to clarify what i meant. in order to reassure you that i wasn't at all saying or implying that they don't exist. in order to alleviate your distress.

i'm sorry you took me to be arguing. i guess i'll just refrain from responding to your threads in future. thanks.

I believe Pegasus was trying to tell all of us to have faith that we are capable of healing as she has done, not meaning to offend, but your replies technically belong in the Ego thread

Alexandra k,

I didn't mean to offend you, just trying to keep the thread on track. Take care.

Wow! (((((((((( bronee )))))))))))) So glad this thread has helped.

Just want to add that denial is all part of it, very natural thing to do considering what we all have been through.

Just want to say thanks to EVERYONE that has replied on this thread. Before joining PC I felt very alone with this, and it's so good to find other people just like me!

((( pegasus )))

((((( Petunia ))))))

I so understand what you're saying.

I'll never forget the feeling I felt the MANY times where others would explain their experiences and have words for what I couldn't explain.

I'd never felt so understood in my life.

KD