Omg, it just dawned on me....I'm a preprogrammed people pleaser!

Looking back in the past, I remember telling people (esp. Partners) in our life "you make me who I am", also "my actions are just reactions to your actions"...huh?

I was telling the truth even if it didn't make any sense....it's just what it felt like. I felt preprogrammed for every facet of life....button A was pushed... I did this, button B was pushed...I did that...

Everyone didn't understand (I didn't either) and said that I wasn't taking any responsibility for my actions....I didn't get it.

I feel like a giant control panel with a many buttons on it. Push a button, switch to accomplish the task as required.

I didn't people please on purpose, I was just made too. I fight it, but I still do today....not as much though....but on the spot moments I automatically carry out my programming, afterwards it's like "I can't believe I just did that!"

Can you see it in yourselves? Is it like this for you?

All this "just made sense" to me, like a light just went on in why I did what I do....revelations.

I'm just happy to see it....now I know what I'm always fighting.

[finding_my_way]

yes. it was drilled into me kind of very subconsciously somehow growing up. it was somehow my job to be quiet and do what everyone wanted at all times no matter how much it hurt me even it meant seeing others get physically hurt and not being allowed (again a subconscious message) to tell (except adults outside the home did know to a degree what was going on).

but my whole life that is how it was for me which is an issue now as an adult because it also played a part in how some of my trauma/abuse took place, partly out of not knowing 'how' to speak up or get away and partly because part of me did not want to be bad, get in trouble, make them mad, make them hate me, etc. if i didn't do what they wanted me to.......and as an adult, that is still triggered for me which is partly why i cannot even attempt a relationship because i know that will be triggered..and i have worked so hard to avoid/manage some other aspects of people pleasing, setting boundaries with family who used to walk all over me and call me selfish when i finally started standing up to them and taking care of myself....but for some reason, there is still that part that can easily be triggered in certain situations (which are largely avoided now).....and that terrifies me knowing that if it is, the chances of getting away without harm...as much as i'd like to say are high....potentially are not...

but overall, i was supposed to do what anyone wanted at all times no matter what...i still have no idea where it came from..well..i do..but not 100%.

Thank you for responding. On some level I have been rebellious, although I didn't know what I was fighting against (myself?)...some hidden internal force compelling me to do things against free will.

Unfortunately, for every action, there is an equal opposite action....I become the biggest B anyone knows There seems to be hardly any middle ground.

Most of the others have no clue on how to be cool- just mindless drones. Some of us are here to be centered, but a lot of irrationality still plagues our system....but we have come along way on our own....we have learned and adapted, but making friends and being a people person is so like not possible right now, or gets tiredsome to say the least and confusing....will it ever?

There's some hope here, not a lot...but enough.

[vonmoxie]

Being a B is okay. If that's what you need to do, if it's exercising something in you that helps work out your inherent relationship with the attribute of people pleasing. It's certainly possible or likely that the pendulum will swing the other way again at some point, and maybe land at a midpoint you're happier with; either way, you're learning from the journey, and not accepting the status quo, which is good. For me it's been a lifelong affair, dealing with that aspect of myself.

My parents were very needy, the kind that have children just to fill the void, for their own, er, ..entertainment. Dr. Phil has a phrase for this which I like: "born with a job", and we should not be! Besides being just plain wrong, it's very hard to undo the messages that it sends, that someone's very existence is just to please you. Doozy.

I used to beat up on myself for being too much of a people pleaser (and ironically, my parents did too -- when it came to how I behaved with any other people in my life), but as I was groomed to be that way, I don't exactly think of it as "my" attribute or failing. I take responsibility for working on it, but not for having it.

Although I can't entirely escape the destiny of that training, I do think I'm more aware of it in the moment these days, and manage to (mostly) channel it into more worthy affairs, i.e. people please more exclusively those who actually appreciate it, so that I don't feel the doormat. I try not to engage much with people who seem to have an especial proclivity for taking advantage of that aspect of my conditioning, or programming as you call it, and there are certainly those who instinctively recognize the attribute. There's also a way some people have that's worth watching out for, of applying a kind of see-what-I-can-get behavior with everyone they encounter, and then seeing who bites. (I know people like this at work. If I get a new assistant they immediately start schmoozing with them on the sly and trying to get them to do work for them as well. New person being in the process of getting oriented, especially might get confused, about knowing whether maybe they're supposed to help them out too, and thinks maybe it's just easier to do the tasks rather than ask a question that might make them look disinclined to work itself. Erg.)

I'll never be immune, but I'm less easily triggered to people-please as a knee-jerk reaction, which is good as I'd much rather my kindnesses be the result of my own inspiration!

Programming, conditioning, fear....some of the others are bothered by it. I'm more the "screw you" kind of person. "Yeah right" and "whatever" are useful terms to remember. "Kiss my azz" is also another. Just can't let sh.t get to you. Also a layed back presentation and a not give a crap aura helps settle the feeling right in. Hope this helps.