Interested in lots of things....

So I am trying to gain a better understanding of how things are organized and put together and all. I am not Just or the host...just so you know. I know not everyone is the same and there are differences and such. I understand why there is DID, but I guess I am looking for ... theories. If there are common theories on how our systems evolve? Seems to be common things like on the type of alters...Helpers, Introject, Protectors, etc....Since starting therapy, I think our system has gone under 6 or more complete changes. And what has caused these changes in system has been Stress, Change, and T on Vacation, visiting family, moving, and other things. I am curious if changes like the above cause a shift or change in your system? Also seems that there are "sets' of alters...this whole group that is out now...was not out before...seems like a rotation of sorts.
Also interested if you read about DID and you come across something that feels right for your system...and its like a "ahah moment" do you feel that the awareness becomes more real...and it becomes more evident?? Sometimes I think when I read something I tend to be more influenced by what I am reading. ...maybe that was what I was trying to explain above..not sure. Sometimes I think that reading about DID isn't good for that reason...but also learning is knowledge and power.
just realized that maybe I am the Researcher of the system...lol.

Anyway...just interested in other's thoughts and experiences.

i am not sure how things work for me. i have read some things/related to some whose experience was similar to mine with my dissociation, but mine is just kind of its own at the same time.

i knew more alters years ago and had communication. but it was also a lot more confusing, sometimes scary, and very noisy in my head a lot. at that point, i knew of about 15 or so others by name/age, etc. and could clearly 'feel' them so knew who it was if they did not use their voice. sometimes it was like just thoughts, other times their voices...sometimes just feelings. and now...i don't have much of that.

the last while though, i have felt more..but i am not 100% sure what/who exactly as like you said, things have shifted for me as well. i feel like i do not know who/what is there lately. they are not really 'complete' alters (i guess), and i have never 100% lost time with black outs or switching to where they live life outside of my head.

i have times lately where i am unsure if i am 'seeing' their lives in my head...but i don't know how that would be either...i don't know if it's like daydreaming but different...and i have had a lot of conversations and felt really 'busy' in my head but at the same time cannot quite put together 'what' has been going on in there. and that confuses me.

sometimes, it's a lot of images (similar to daydreams) in my head...and maybe that is what it is..like how people think about scenarios in their head and have conversations...or maybe i just think a lot lately. all i know is i feel off lately and feel bits and pieces and have things flying around inside and cannot 'see' it 100% or figure it out.

O boy/girl....this is going to take a bit...lol

To make this easy, I'm gonna do a lot of copy and paisting from an earlier post which you might have read. We have a researcher also that just has to know how everything works which has helped us out and gave us a bunch of skills and talents. Shim's (ungendered) ambitious thirst for the exact truth bleeds through when triggered and inspired.

First off, I'm not a professional, just affected and self taught through intense unsupervised study. I crave exact scientific knowledge...not the voodoo stuff.

This has been edited for content as we go...

About us: We are multiple, and have known forever, we're 47, but just came to grips with it out of denial, too. We are co-conscious (aware of each other-always have been (well we were but refused to acknowledge it till recent)) enough that we work in co-operation, that is we can talk, collaborate, and vote on life decisions to function as a singleton and switch seamlessly to keep the system hidden. We don't lose time, but we have missing memories. My days are bits and pieces and days are a jumble, we barely have no past it seems. Memories usually stay with the alter that experienced them, but we do some memory sharing to appear as a singleton (it's funny when an other can't remember the body's birthdate in public and no one says....lol).

Basically for us, the body is an empty shell and the alters are the filling that makes us a whole person (in my system). I don't know who "I" is....it's a loose term, when I think I know, "I" always changes. We are always linked by awareness, but always someone else. I'm so disconnected from the physical that the body does what the body does in gesture, walk, talk, speech, posture, likes, dislikes, thinking,...everything. It gets confusing. I can tell who is up by feel and the head voice of the next which becomes my next head voice when we switch. The next "I" is them. It's really so hard to describe because it's so illogical and impossible.

We are of 30+ named alters, plus hundreds more in the wings. Every alter has a job to do...like one for every life situation. We switch all day long, like I and others do the home and online stuff, all the skilled workers go to work, and some are people relation officers, some handle emotions, we have several that are sexual and of both genders, techies, drivers, cooks, some just are, partiers, no goods, etc. Right now, I'm like the Reporter reporting what we have learned. My head voice is strong and clinical sounding, like an instruction manual (actually it keeps changing as others jump in interrupting like I'm doing now! ).

I've been reading the technical stuff (theories...structural dissociation and neurobiology) on this condition, and let's see if I can get it close (someone will correct me if I get it wrong)...basically...a baby's brain isn't fully developed till about the age of 5 or so, (some say 7-8...depends on which country you live in...). Memory is stored in the different parts of the brain, like seeing, emotion, feeling, smelling, hearing areas.... Unprocessed early childhood trauma (like the mother/baby bond doesn't happen or is corrupted) prevents the baby's brain from becoming of one mind, naturally integrating (bringing all the parts together for the laying down of a complete memory [there are physical changes too with the hippocampus- books of studies written blah blah blah]).... and so the parts stay dissociated.

Some of these parts/states then can develop into full personalities (ANP- apparently normal part) while others are just containers holding bits of memory and emotions (EP-emotional parts- these are generally impulses and feelings or semi developed parts)). Some people experience amnesia where the parts are oblivious to the existence of other parts.

Due to the initial trauma, the brain stays dissociated, so that every subsequent trauma experienced is back logged, stuck,....much like a traffic jam. These other unprocessed traumas then develop into more parts. A person with lots of alters is considered to be poly-fragmented (me)...parts of parts to bits and pieces....hundreds to thousands.

There are many types of alters, some are gendered, littles, mids, protectors, persecutors, host, gatekeepers, apparently normal parts, emotional parts, animal parts, managers, nurturers, etc. They take on their roles as required or needed, some by choice, some by life, or some by assignment. Some are just containers to hold a bit of memory, some are to fulfill a job, and some are mains...living their own outward life dependent or independent of an other part...or influenced but unawares.

Integration is the process of bringing these memory parts (alters) together to form a linear complete memory (it's more complex then this sounds)...the alters then are no longer needed and are considered integrated when what they know become one with the main ego.

That's the basic layman's scientific mumbo jumbo theory that I've put together from reading according to my hole-y memory.

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My other parts are here to handle situations that "I" can't handle (I can't handle life)...something happens that causes me to dissociate (which is instantaneous), an other emerges to deal with the conflict, and after that, another presents...or its back to the first other.

We are always switching, some are triggered (a situation or event happens that requires an other part to handle that couldn't be handled by the other present) and some are scheduled- like it's time for so and so to emerge (like home time, work time, shopping time, explanation time, online time, kid time, couch time, school time, crying time, playing time, music time, party time...you name it, we have an alter for that ). We can also request an other to present. We are all equal, no one of us is boss of another...that's just plain rude.

My dissociation is quick that switching is seamless, sometimes a jolt, and sometimes an obvious body takeover. Very rarely do we trance out, but it does happen. I don't experience "blackouts", I'm aware...but some of the memories linger to fade away or are just taken away when switched. Memory is dreamlike and just flashbacks.

I can't see us integrating. Our host (the one out the most) alter is based on where we are in life. It's like we have no main, but plenty of hosts through the years. Depending on where you are located, "host" has different meanings.....for some it's the body itself, or it's the alter out the most...I prefer to think of it as the one out the most because the body is the body and the other way insinuates that we are all parasites....ewwww.

I used to think that all the voices in my head was like my thoughts, and I never noticed that we all had different voices. Everyone thinks we're super smart, but we got many smarts here, lol. I had a journal that I'd write in and an other would respond, like automatic handwriting. I then noticed that the words would pop into my head as I was writing them, so I just started talking to them. It's not like crowd noisy in my head because to talk, they have to step up.

In the short version, I'm like an android and all my others are software to function and do different life things. Without them, I'd (?) have a blank stare off into space.

I hope I helped...thus is my best uneducated guess.

So another question....do you think you are more knowledgeable about your system than those that treat you? I am curious, just came across Ts card...well I vent never met her. So if I go to session will be learning a lot.
I am not sure if I am more knowledge able probably not...she has first hand experience although I am living it. Work best to be allies with T. Right?? Can't wait to meet her and learn about us...the parts that were out before me. Wow!! Strange thought

I think it depends on the perspective as to who is more knowledgable about my system. I reckon my T has a much clearer 'macro' view of what is going on inside me, but I have a better 'micro' view. I would love to quiz him on what he has seen, and what he thinks is going on and ask him to fill in the blanks for me, and for me to fill him in on the missing pieces he will/ might have from events over the last year working together. We just don't talk that openly with each other though

Ah ah yes...good point on micro vs macro. I've noticed things T doesn't pick up on and vice versa. T is a PTSD/trauma therapist and has been working with two or three DID clients besides us. And she has mentioned on occasion she is no expert. Understanding something that there is not much research or understanding of I guess things like that happen. She asks questions and sometimes we hate we have no answers for. And maybe the same goes the other way. She is wonderful though.
I'll write what my system is like at later time ...it's 530 am and didn't sleep much. Thanks to everyone that has responded. Have a great day!!!

She's the professional and hopefully specifically trained with experience. Of course I know my system (or getting to know it), and it's my job to share it to them so that they can do their job. And if you aren't sure about yours, they can help put it together with you.

What causes Billy to tick isn't the same with Susie, too many variables. I couldn't tell you the methods a T would employ to help a patient, but I imagine they'd have to have the presence of mind and flexibility of technique to navigate the ripple currents of individual patient minds.

Personally, I'd like to have a T that is confident in themselves and in their abilities. The first sign of confusion in their eyes is the start of the end of this patient/client relationship. We start shutting down. If my T kept telling me she's "no expert".... I'd have no T...IMHO.

Good luck.

I don't believe anyone can be an "expert"...no matter the job or task. There is new information out there about every thing. Everything evolves.

My T isn't an expert - Im sure he told me I was his first DID client. This doesn't bother me in the slightest. Everyone has to learn somehow, and I quite like being the first. I have a really big issue about being part of a conveyor belt of clients - of a T just seeing me as his work. Being the first, I guess, makes it more likely he will see me as special - and less like 'work'.

I don't have any doubts about his abilities --- obviously if he was also thick as **** I would be more interested in finding an 'expert', but he seems to be one step ahead of me ALL the bloody time, so I don't have any concerns!

Oh ya....psychology is a progressive field like everything else and advances are being made more quicky now then ever before, so staying up to the times is a must for the learned professionals.

I'm glad that you like what you are doing and is comfortable for it justagirl. That's what matters. I like your attitude and the perspective to being his special patient. What y'all have as a relationship should help you and your others ease into therapy quite well. Good luck!

Ohhhhhhhh don't get me wrong ---- Im not enjoying this ride at all, and comfortable.... URGH. No. This is hideous. I can't stand it. If I knew how to scream I think I wouldn't stop! But... it is working. I think. And I definitely don't doubt his capabilities. But omg I wish I could make it all just stop.

Thanks - And likewise! I really get a lot from this board, and your posts.

Thanks I am not an easy person to get close to, and its gonna take a looooooong time, but he is persistent and I hate to quit, so I figure it will work out ok!