Worried About My Memory

peaches100 · Jan 05, 2016, 02:37 PM

Hi Skeezyks,

What you said about "free floating" anxiety hits home with me. There are many times when I feel a physical uneasiness like anxiety, but I am not mentally aware of anything bothering me. Is that how free-floating anxiety feels to you?

I DO focus at work. Being an editor and writer requires me to concentrate fully on my work. I do find, though, that if something happens to trigger a bad memory from my past, or I feel a different part of me show up in my awareness, I have to get a handle on it (put it back away so I can keep working). If I can't do that, it can become very difficult for me to go back to my concentrated state. At times, I am not able to do it and a period of zoning occurs, or an unexpected period of crying, etc., things that if I can't make it stop soon, I end up having to leave work.) Thankfully, my t has taught me coping skills that are starting to help me gain control when that happens instead of losing the in-control, normal feeling part of me.

I'd like to have neuropsych testing, just to put my mind at ease. But my t has told me she is 99.9% sure it has nothing to do with early onset Alzheimer's. She is pretty certain it is PTSD/dissociation related. I have an apt with my psych today to get a prescription refill for my meds. I think I'll talk to him about the memory thing and see what he says.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello peaches100: I experience some of this. In my case I think it is a mixture of free-floating anxiety & aging with a bit of "maleness" thrown in for good measure. (My wife talks to me all the time & I probably don't hear 50% of it!) I also do little things that don't make sense. The reason you don't have this experience at work may be that you are simply more focused.

I have also wondered, from time-to-time, if I might be experiencing the early stages of Alzheimer's or dementia. I mentioned this once to my pdoc. He pretty-much just dismissed it. But he suggested that if it was of concern to me I might want to have some neuropsych testing. This might be something you could consider as well.

peaches100 · Jan 05, 2016, 02:39 PM

Hi KeCanoe,

Hmmm. Maybe perimenopause is part of it then. I'll be 52 next month.

peaches100 · Jan 05, 2016, 02:43 PM

Hi Findingmyway,

Thanks for letting me know what sort of memory issues you've noticed with yourself. Yes, losing things like keys, glasses, etc. Well, not really "losing" them; I should say "misplacing" them because I usually do find them eventually after looking for them enough.

You made a good point too by mentioning not sleeping well or not feeling well. I think my memory is worse during those times also. The body just isn't in a prime condition then.

I hate to say it, but I have once or twice actually tried to put glasses on, when I already have a pair on. Or I have lost something that is actually under my arm. Last week, I went to put out the garbage, and my husband asked me to bring in the newspaper when I came back. I went out, put down the trash, and then went back in the house. THEN I remembered, "Oh, yeah! I forgot the paper." So I went back out to get it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

mine is pretty bad lately too. i was visiting family and went to put my bank card in my wallet. i remembered having it a few minutes before but when i went to put it in my wallet, it wasn't there anymore. i didn't remember the in between parts...just that it was in my hand then disappeared. i looked everywhere for it (so i thought) back and forth for 10 or so minutes then found it on the floor underneath things. a few minutes later, i lost something else (forget what it was) and went through the same thing. it was really irritating..but to be fair, i haven't been sleeping well and am coming down with something...but it happens a lot even when those aren't factors. i know it's related to the dissociation or just even general things, anxiety, stress, etc. and if lack of sleep is involved or not eating enough, that can be a factor for me as well. memory issues can be part of so many things.

YMIHere · Jan 05, 2016, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi AlwaysChanging,

Yes, I'm co-conscious, but only after I had my breakdown in my mid 30's. Before that, I didn't know I had dissociative parts of me at all. The first part that showed up was a small little girl part who felt hurt, abandoned, and scared. Later, other parts began showing up. But the first one has always seemed like the one that holds the most pain and the one I am most aware of when I switch.

I think I have a one-track mind also. My husband says that when a conversation between people has taken a different turn, I am stick stuck on the former topic. I get stuck analyzing something and want to go into more detail or deeper, but apparently, other people don't. It makes me think of a record player where the needle is stuck in the same spot and needs a "push" to get it moving again.

I don't think that I switch very much outside therapy, except when I get triggered. But I could be totally wrong, as I am not very self-aware sometimes. My husband says I often act like I am different ages, although I don't recognize it in myself at the time.

One thing I've noticed about my parts is that instead of having different appearances or names, they seem like they are different emotions, or that they are responsible for holding ALL of a certain emotion that I have experienced throughout my life. What I mean is that one of them holds all of the feelings of hurt, abandonment, betrayal, and rejection. Another one only feels anger and rage. Another one has all of the shame of my SA and feels like a bad person who needs to suffer or be punished. I have one that is sarcastic. I have one that feels about 2-3 years old, and another that can't speak at all, but only communicates through poetry or music. All of these ones I call "child parts" because they all feel like they are young.

Added to that are ones that I think of as adult parts, although my t says they are not really adult parts, but child parts also. These ones step in to either protect or punish child parts, depending on what happens. Also, when my regular normal me that I am 90% of the time gets too stressed out trying to manage the child parts or keep them put away, a robot part of me takes over that feels numb and isn't troubled by any disturbing emotions, and it allows me to keep doing my responsibilities in life.

But the ONLY one that really, truly feels like ME is the adult me how I experience myself most of the time when I am not triggered. That is the ME that I recognize and know. All of the others, even though I know they have to be parts of me, feel like they just don't fit who I am. They express thoughts and feelings that I just don't have when I am not triggered. That is why they don't feel like me.

Also, I sometimes have dreams where I am extremely rageful, yet I never feel like that in my normal daily life.

It's just weird. I'm still trying to figure it out. Maybe it doesn't matter whether I have DID or PTSD or just stress-related dissociation. Whatever it is, it feels "not normal" and I don't like it. I do everything I can to hide it when I am with other people (keep all parts other than ANP out of sight).

Hi Peaches!

Hate to put you on the spot, but this description brought what is probably a very common question to mind. How did you first fine out? With all of those goings on and now being conscious of it, I'm guessing maybe that wasn't always so or was it?

Pardon my ignorance, but my knowledge of DID goes back to "Multiple Personality Disorder" and my mother telling me about the movie "Sybil." I also read a book called "When Rabbit Howls" a long time ago and I don't remember the how or when she figured it out.

Like I said I can't remember too much about it. I feel like I saw some TV drama a while back where someone would lose LONG stretches of time - end up somewhere dressed like a ***** trying to figure out what is going on.

IF I remember correct - and that's a VERY big if - I think in the book, she was only able to integrate after therapy, right?

Everything you wrote sounds like the way I feel sometimes - multiple "Me's" but I've never lost chunks of time or anything like that so I'm sure it's not applicable to me. I kind of feel like it's the type of thing you'd have figured out by the time you're 45 years old, but maybe I'm wrong.

Anyway, looking forward to hearing more.

amandalouise · Jan 06, 2016, 01:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peaches100

AmandaLouise,

I don't understand your last posting. I read it twice and still don't understand what it means. I also think I must not have been clear. I DO consider my ANP the normal born person I am. At least I think it is. It's the part of me that I identify with, unless I get triggered and the others show up.

Can you try to restate your post in a way that is easier to understand?

Thanks!

sent you a pm earlier about clarifying my earlier post.

in reference to ANP.....here in my location an ANP is different than the body born person. here in my location an ANP is a part of ones personality that appears to be normal but is not the normal self. confusing I know. heres an example based on my own locations definitions....

I (the body born person) is getting ready for work. I know there is a stressful meeting to attend at work. I start feeling my dissociation symptoms (numb, foggy minded, disconnected) because I am dissociated I switch into an apparently normal part (ANP) part of me, I am still aware of what is going on but I the body born person am like a back seat driver, watching from a distance while this other part of me appears to be me how I normally am, taking care of work related stuff. After the triggering meeting I suddenly start feeling fully in control again, not dissociated, not distanced.

by my locations standards every human being has these normal parts of self and some peoples parts of self are more separated than normal but not to the standard of DID. these more separated but different than having DID pats instead of doing a job purpose, reason for being that is different than the one they reside in they appear to be normal appear to be just like the one they live with in.

all my DID associate alters have been integrated but I still have a few ANP's who when there is something I can not handle they are in control as if I the body born person am in the back seat watching but not participating.

hope these examples helped to clarify my posts a bit more.

Jan 06, 2016, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YMIHere

Hi Peaches!

Hate to put you on the spot, but this description brought what is probably a very common question to mind. How did you first fine out? With all of those goings on and now being conscious of it, I'm guessing maybe that wasn't always so or was it?

Pardon my ignorance, but my knowledge of DID goes back to "Multiple Personality Disorder" and my mother telling me about the movie "Sybil." I also read a book called "When Rabbit Howls" a long time ago and I don't remember the how or when she figured it out.

Like I said I can't remember too much about it. I feel like I saw some TV drama a while back where someone would lose LONG stretches of time - end up somewhere dressed like a ***** trying to figure out what is going on.

IF I remember correct - and that's a VERY big if - I think in the book, she was only able to integrate after therapy, right?

Everything you wrote sounds like the way I feel sometimes - multiple "Me's" but I've never lost chunks of time or anything like that so I'm sure it's not applicable to me. I kind of feel like it's the type of thing you'd have figured out by the time you're 45 years old, but maybe I'm wrong.

Anyway, looking forward to hearing more.

Hi ymihere....I want to jump in and say hi....and that the dissociative disorders are more than just DID/MPD...that it has other levels of symptoms such as co-consciousness (opposite of the amnesia aspect in DID) where one is aware of time and memories and other parts and can have less than distinct parts that can influence a person (OSDD)- that's where the majority of those that suffer with this condition thrives.

DID/OSDD is a lifetime condition. I suspected at 15 but ignored it till I was 46, but there are other affected people that can live, not know, and be prosperous to the very end.

So, you can see, there's a little/lotta more too it. If you have concerns, a visit with a therapist can help discern any concerns that you might have.

YMIHere · Jan 06, 2016, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Hi ymihere....I want to jump in and say hi....and that the dissociative disorders are more than just DID/MPD...that it has other levels of symptoms such as co-consciousness (opposite of the amnesia aspect in DID) where one is aware of time and memories and other parts and can have less than distinct parts that can influence a person (OSDD)- that's where the majority of those that suffer with this condition thrives.

DID/OSDD is a lifetime condition. I suspected at 15 but ignored it till I was 46, but there are other affected people that can live, not know, and be prosperous to the very end.

So, you can see, there's a little/lotta more too it. If you have concerns, a visit with a therapist can help discern any concerns that you might have.

I'm going to look up those other acronyms for full descriptions in a minute.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I've been medicated for over 2 decades and I've done therapy in the past. Medication helped A LOT, but for some reason this past August I had a rough time which brought me here. I took the Sanity Quiz and I actually had a high score for Dissociation. The thing that really drove me to therapy was that my HIGHEST score was for Borderline and that's a diagnosis I've never had.

Slightly off topic, but I feel like a fvcked up Mom like my Mom. When she was hospitalized for something physical I told them I think she's depressed and they need to look at her. Eventually she ended up on Seroquel so you can see where my Bipolar came from.

Getting back to being a fvcked up Mom, my son is 23. I asked him to take the Sanity Quiz. Absolutely NOTHING was highlighted. I've got like 9 things to look into and he's perfectly normal. He's also one of the most self aware people I know so I'd sooner trust his test than my own. Funny how that goes.....

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

Jan 06, 2016, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YMIHere

I'm going to look up those other acronyms for full descriptions in a minute.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I've been medicated for over 2 decades and I've done therapy in the past. Medication helped A LOT, but for some reason this past August I had a rough time which brought me here. I took the Sanity Quiz and I actually had a high score for Dissociation. The thing that really drove me to therapy was that my HIGHEST score was for Borderline and that's a diagnosis I've never had.

Slightly off topic, but I feel like a fvcked up Mom like my Mom. When she was hospitalized for something physical I told them I think she's depressed and they need to look at her. Eventually she ended up on Seroquel so you can see where my Bipolar came from.

Getting back to being a fvcked up Mom, my son is 23. I asked him to take the Sanity Quiz. Absolutely NOTHING was highlighted. I've got like 9 things to look into and he's perfectly normal. He's also one of the most self aware people I know so I'd sooner trust his test than my own. Funny how that goes.....

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

Ya. Other Specified Dissocative Disorders (OSDD)- everything else under DID, like depersonalization, derealism, dissociative fugue, and dissociative amnesia.

The Sanity Score gives one a general idea what area they might want to look at....but mine was dead on between dissociation and electronic addiction!

Here's another quiz to try (I got another) as far as onliners go...they aren't definitive by any means.... But they help.

It's the Dissociative Experience Scale.

Dissociative Experiences Scale

This ones pretty kewl....it works as a spreadsheet like in "Numbers" on iPad.
It's the Multidimensional Interview of Dissociation. It has colored graph charts at the end.

http://www.bainbridgepsychology.com/...lysis_V3_8.xls

YMIHere · Jan 06, 2016, 09:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Ya. Other Specified Dissocative Disorders (OSDD)- everything else under DID, like depersonalization, derealism, dissociative fugue, and dissociative amnesia.

The Sanity Score gives one a general idea what area they might want to look at....but mine was dead on between dissociation and electronic addiction!

Here's another quiz to try (I got another) as far as onliners go...they aren't definitive by any means.... But they help.

It's the Dissociative Experience Scale.

Dissociative Experiences Scale

This ones pretty kewl....it works as a spreadsheet like in "Numbers" on iPad.
It's the Multidimensional Interview of Dissociation. It has colored graph charts at the end.

http://www.bainbridgepsychology.com/...lysis_V3_8.xls

Going to check them. "I'll be bock." That Schwarznegger in "The Terminator."

I forgot where I saw, but I know I had read something about disappearing from conversations (probably earlier in this thread, lol), and I do this but it's something I always associated with my ADHD. I zone out when friends are talking to me. When I'm driving (I'm often on autopilot), I can read an entire page word for word and have no idea what I just read.

I leave you now for the tests. Or bed. 4:30 comes early. New workout routine with my son at the gym.

To be continued....

peaches100 · Jan 07, 2016, 08:46 AM

AmandaLouise,

OK, now I understand your explanation of what an ANP is. I mistakenly thought it was something different. Makes sense to me now. Thanks!

peaches100 · Jan 07, 2016, 08:50 AM

Hi Findingmyway,

Wow, that must have been scary to find out you took an exam you didn't remember taking, and other things like that! How have you learned to cope with your day to day memory problems? Any tips you could share?

Peaches

Quote:

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

i had testing as a child because i was born really early so was part of a study. when i was 11 or so, they found that my short term memory was really bad which caused me to struggle in school. so, that in combination with anxiety, depressive episodes, stress, dissociation, etc. makes it super bad. but with the memory issues, i also have time issues...i cannot keep track easily of the days. sometimes there are gaps where i'll think it's say monday and it's wednesday or reverse, so i am either ahead or behind..or totally lost. it never has changed, when i had a daily schedule and had to leave the house or now that i work at home and have no need for a schedule.

i had a weird situation in high school where i had to write an exam. i think it was a science exam. i cannot remember if i was in a different room than the one i was in for science and that was what messed me up or what, but i had zero recollection at that moment of even having taken science or what the exam was. somehow, i passed it though...i also had issues where i don't remember being good at school, yet i made the honor roll twice, and i managed to graduate. it still is weird to me years later because i barely remember being there or doing things.

but time and memory and all that are just confusing for me..

peaches100 · Jan 07, 2016, 09:03 AM

Hi YAmIHere,

I have only found out slowly over the past few years that I have dissociation problems, mostly through working with my therapist. When I first came to therapy, I was very separated from my body in terms of being aware of it. For example, I would not notice if I was hungry, I would find bruises and not remember how I got them, would go all day without drinking water and would not feel thirsty, etc.

I also had a great deal of my emotions cut off, as well as painful past experiences. I wasn't aware of having unpleasant emotions such as anger, sadness, longing, or grief. I honestly thought that I was capable of not feeling angry or keeping grudges or letting my feelings be hurt. I thought I was happy but I had actually cut off everything in my life that was negative or painful into unawareness (it wasn't really gone, as I thought it had been at the time - just pushed away).

Over time, as I became more aware of my body and being in my body, I also began to notice emotions staring to show up too - extremely strong emotions that seemed to come out of nowhere and that related to my early childhood days. It began to feel like parts of me (how I was as a child) were suddenly showing up in my adult life, carrying with them a ton of unexpressed anguish and memories.

Just knowing that there were other parts of me that were holding onto painful stuff was terrifying for me. I didn't want to notice them or listen to them, and especially, I did not want to feel their pain. Because of this, for the first few years, my t and I could not even explore those parts of me that were holding onto these memories and the pain. Whenever I would permit an awareness of even a little bit of it, I would immediately become emotionally distraught and overwhelmed. There literally was not a small enough piece of it that my t and I could take and work on without me ending up feeling like I was being retraumatized all over again. I had to learn coping skills over and over and over again - and I had to build up huge trust in my t -- before I could permit parts to begin showing up in sessions and expressing anything.

I still have trouble with it, as I feel a great deal of embarrassment and shame. But we are making headway. I don't know how many times I've emailed my t and then followed it up with another email profusely apologizing for the first one, after I realized how childish or weird it sounded. It is SO HARD to accept that all of this is really ME. It is scary and strange and feels like a dirty little secret I have to hide from everybody because people would not understand at all.

Fuzzybear · Jan 07, 2016, 02:33 PM

kecanoe · Jan 07, 2016, 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi AlwaysChanging,

Yes, I'm co-conscious, but only after I had my breakdown in my mid 30's. Before that, I didn't know I had dissociative parts of me at all. The first part that showed up was a small little girl part who felt hurt, abandoned, and scared. Later, other parts began showing up. But the first one has always seemed like the one that holds the most pain and the one I am most aware of when I switch.

I think I have a one-track mind also. My husband says that when a conversation between people has taken a different turn, I am stick stuck on the former topic. I get stuck analyzing something and want to go into more detail or deeper, but apparently, other people don't. It makes me think of a record player where the needle is stuck in the same spot and needs a "push" to get it moving again.

I don't think that I switch very much outside therapy, except when I get triggered. But I could be totally wrong, as I am not very self-aware sometimes. My husband says I often act like I am different ages, although I don't recognize it in myself at the time.

One thing I've noticed about my parts is that instead of having different appearances or names, they seem like they are different emotions, or that they are responsible for holding ALL of a certain emotion that I have experienced throughout my life. What I mean is that one of them holds all of the feelings of hurt, abandonment, betrayal, and rejection. Another one only feels anger and rage. Another one has all of the shame of my SA and feels like a bad person who needs to suffer or be punished. I have one that is sarcastic. I have one that feels about 2-3 years old, and another that can't speak at all, but only communicates through poetry or music. All of these ones I call "child parts" because they all feel like they are young.

Added to that are ones that I think of as adult parts, although my t says they are not really adult parts, but child parts also. These ones step in to either protect or punish child parts, depending on what happens. Also, when my regular normal me that I am 90% of the time gets too stressed out trying to manage the child parts or keep them put away, a robot part of me takes over that feels numb and isn't troubled by any disturbing emotions, and it allows me to keep doing my responsibilities in life.

But the ONLY one that really, truly feels like ME is the adult me how I experience myself most of the time when I am not triggered. That is the ME that I recognize and know. All of the others, even though I know they have to be parts of me, feel like they just don't fit who I am. They express thoughts and feelings that I just don't have when I am not triggered. That is why they don't feel like me.

Also, I sometimes have dreams where I am extremely rageful, yet I never feel like that in my normal daily life.

It's just weird. I'm still trying to figure it out. Maybe it doesn't matter whether I have DID or PTSD or just stress-related dissociation. Whatever it is, it feels "not normal" and I don't like it. I do everything I can to hide it when I am with other people (keep all parts other than ANP out of sight).

My system works very similarly to yours. I have child parts that hold most/all of any given feeling, have children with very specific roles. And then there are the ones that seem adult, but maybe aren't per my t.

And I agree that my diagnosis doesn't matter. Especially since DSM V changed a bunch of definitions. What matters to me is that the children not get terrorized any more, that older parts help bear the bad feelings, and I can be in stressful situations and not get triggered.

YMIHere · Jan 08, 2016, 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Ya. Other Specified Dissocative Disorders (OSDD)- everything else under DID, like depersonalization, derealism, dissociative fugue, and dissociative amnesia.

The Sanity Score gives one a general idea what area they might want to look at....but mine was dead on between dissociation and electronic addiction!

Here's another quiz to try (I got another) as far as onliners go...they aren't definitive by any means.... But they help.

It's the Dissociative Experience Scale.

Dissociative Experiences Scale

This ones pretty kewl....it works as a spreadsheet like in "Numbers" on iPad.
It's the Multidimensional Interview of Dissociation. It has colored graph charts at the end.

http://www.bainbridgepsychology.com/...lysis_V3_8.xls

I did the first one and my score was 23 so it said it's not likely in that way. I think the problem for the Sanity Quiz is that it really didn't account for ADHD in there really. The zoning out type questions are a fit for ADHD as well. So I guess it depends on how you want to read them. I mean I guess TECHNICALLY I'm dissociating when my friends are talking to me and I lose half of the conversation, but I read about them calling it "blink" in one of my ADHD books early on.

Who knows? That's why we do see PROFESSIONALS. The other ones on my score I can CLEARLY acknowledge as me. My biggies were General Coping, Depression, Mania, Self-Esteem, Dissociation and Borderline. The Borderline came as a shock, but reading up on it I can definitely see a lot of myself in it minus suicide attempts or cutting. Other than that I'd say it's spot on though, again, waiting on the pros for that one.

Thanks for the quiz. I really enjoy stuff like that.

finding_my_way · Jan 08, 2016, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Findingmyway,

Wow, that must have been scary to find out you took an exam you didn't remember taking, and other things like that! How have you learned to cope with your day to day memory problems? Any tips you could share?

Peaches

it's only kind of worrisome for me and less of a huge problem. my memory issues have been worse lately due to dissociation, panic, etc. the dissociation throws me into an internal type of vortex filled with confusion and things i don't really know...while at the same time reality kind of being in front of me but very disconnected/unclear at the same time.

i have a daily schedule and don't leave the house daily, so that helps a lot. i know that nothing goes on, i don't leave the house, etc. or have issues like that when dissociated, so it's why i'm not that concerned. i just have days more or less disappear lately but know nothing weird happened during them.

i don't really have tips because i don't fully realize i am missing days until a while after. during dissociation, or just prior sometimes, i can realize it is going to happen, but it just kind of disappears after.

i just cannot keep track of things...which would only be more an issue if i had to work outside the house daily or have other commitments (which is hard due to anxiety which can cause stress which can cause more dissociation). i pretty much check daily to see what the day and date is..beyond that, it just is what it is, i guess.

so, it's more just overall confusion, not keeping remembering when i had a conversation with someone, if it was yesterday or a week ago, etc. and things like that.

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