TRIGGER Question

Trying to find an answer to this question is what brought me to this forum.

*** TRIGGER ***

I believe this is most probably a trigger topic, but again, this is all new to me. So I marked the thread as a trigger. I hope I did that right!

Each time I am on my way to a session with my counselor, my hands and feet feel like they have electricity in them. Sometimes it gets stronger the closer I get to his office. I have shared this with him and he is aware of it. We have tried to connect with it, to see if it is trying to tell me something. It seems to be like a shadow that is scanning to see if there is anything threatening. I feel safe there, and we have very open communication. I don't know why a part of me would feel threatened. Does that make any sense?

During our session, I’m there, but it seems like I’m not all there. I am talking and I know what I’m saying, but it seems so distant and sometimes I say things and don’t know where it came from. It’s nothing threatening or bad, just comments that I wouldn’t normally say. Inside, I’m thinking, “Did I just say that?”

After our session, I come home and try to remember what we talked about. I try to write it in my journal so I can remember it. It comes back to me kind of like chapter names in an index for a book. The topics are there, but there isn’t content to it. I get bits and pieces, very fragmented bits at a time over the following days. I cannot piece it back together without it being in fragmented pieces.

Does this happen to anyone else? It’s really frustrating and I would love to know what to do to try and stay all there during my sessions. I’ve tried all the common grounding techniques, and they don’t really hold me here.

Thank you for any help or opinions!

for me, i have seen my psychiatrist for 12 years. every time i go, i am super anxious which can cause a degree of dissociation too. if i talk about something that is hard to talk about too, that can make it worse. it could be a combination of those two things for you. it is hard for me even after so long to talk to my psychiatrist in general.

during the more difficult things, i have experienced what you have too, except i don't know what is being said. the last time that happened, i was talking and then something else in a different tone was said and then something else in another different tone and then it was me talking again. when the other ones came out, i felt really far away. now thinking about it, i remember it more like seeing my body from above/beside almost. i hadn't experienced that much except the last few sessions where i went into more detail about certain things, but it was very strange.

i am also not able to remember a lot of detail of sessions, just vague things. i cannot journal either. it is like part of me blocks it for some reason which is weird because i can write here fine.

I do the same thing minus the tingling and what not. My anxiety comes in debilitating stomach pain and nausea. I have a hard time remember any of what is said during season with T. My T is very good and she notices when I start to go away. She'll just ask me like where did I go or what's going through my head. Stuff like that. Usually it snaps me back when she questions me. But when I'm gone it's like a VR game that's really of great artistic quality. Or like a first person game. I see it all through my eyes but it's like they aren't mine.

with in me this is called anxiety panic attack. my suggestion continue working with your treatment provider, sooner or later the cause will become clear.

I feel a little bit like this sometimes. It can feel like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle - fragmentation , and trying to get them back together to make the picture.

When I used to go to my t I would be very anxious before getting into the room. Once in the room I was usually annoyed that we were there.But the young ones were glad. Once session was over I would need to decompress before I could drive. It was exhausting. By the time I got home I had very little memory of session. Sometimes I felt better for going but other times I felt jumbled for days after.

Thank you everyone for your encouraging replies. There is a feeling now that I am not so alone. It's really like a vacuum when you feel like this and there is no one to listen to you and understand to help you ground back down.

I am so thankful that I found this forum and you!

My tears are blocked, but right now they are behind my eyes.

Thank you again!!!

Thank you! That is so what it feels like to me. It's very frustrating to try and figure out how the pieces should fit together. Bits and pieces come back and I'm trying to fit them together to figure out what actually was covered/said.

We have the same thing. Not with the T but still.
Keep in mind that I am talking for our system, which might be very different from yours.
Scar felt that the whole last month. Me and Waidth took a week from that but the rest of the month was someone else. We do not know who (Might be Alice) but that alter took half control of the body (half control is what we call controlling the body while still letting an alter be co-concious with the one who is controlling, tho the co-con. cannot participate in any decisions that the current concious is making, so what you explained) and let Scar co-con. it. The confusion really rose at who did it. Because we either take a 3/4 control, and 1/4th control (3/4 is taking over the body fully but nothing stays hidden, 1/4 is controlling just a body part, sense, etc.). It scared all of us and rose suspicion within the system but, from what me and Wai think, it is probably Alice/Azure so it is alright now.
Hope you find a way to that, it sucks not living your life when you want to. But you are definitely not alone.
-Evee

How about recording your session?

Sorry so abrupt. We're running around work.

Thank you!

I actually shared with him last week that it felt like a silent panic attack.

That is exactly what it feels like! It's just unnerving because I don't know that I have ALL the pieces to put the puzzle together.

I totally understand what you are describing. There are varying degrees of how much away/detached I feel, and I'm sitting there listening to what I'm saying. I don't feel alone anymore!! Thank you!

I had that thought a couple of days ago. Something inside of me wasn't feeling like that would be a good idea. Maybe the pieces I can't remember will come as they are supposed to. ? It was a feeling that I shouldn't push and take things as they come to me. That aggravates me, because I tend to push too hard to finish things up once I start something. Since I didn't start this, I guess it's not my job to decide when it will be finished. Maybe?

Steven: Hmmmm, funny...I've never done that, record myself. Never thought of it to, actually.

Like pictures, I hate hearing myself. Think I'll turn on the recorder tonight and see who says what if it's noticeable. This will be a grand little experiment.

It's actually got me quite excited and intrigued. I hear yays and nays, but Shelly is game I think. We'll see!

I'll even start right now.

Happened to me a lot after alters started gaining the confidence and trust to interact with the therapist, which I believe took a few months before I started noticing it. I found it to be quite frustrating but ultimately it turned out to be a positive sign and opened the doors for some leaps in progress.

Something I eventually realized in retrospect is that some of my alters had solid reasoning to challenge the therapist, based on their perceptions.

1. Therapist was a woman in a position perceived as superior, which reminded some alters of my mother.
2. Therapist asked questions for which the answers were considered secrets for various reasons.
3. Therapist figured out the existence of the alters, which in and of itself was a huge secret, and one that was taken rather than willingly given away in the perceptions of some alters.
4. Therapist tried to reassure and gain trust, which some alters (especially one in particular) had learned was a warning sign of malice to come.

In other words some protectors were just doing their jobs. Many of my experiences losing time or getting very foggy-minded in therapy turned out to be protectors testing, gauging and challenging the therapist. This was a necessary process.

Shelly: I understand those feelings from the inside as feelings of the others, and they can become overwhelming or even debilitating at times.

I also tell them that their feelings are valid, but I feel differently about things and that I'm going to do what I'm going to do, we all do.

Our feelings are so multi-varied that we are twisted and turned on what we want/need to do.

--------------

On the recordings:

Susie: OMG....it's so freaking weird! Our partners phone called my phone of which went to voicemail as "I" was talking to her and it recorded "us" talking.... I listened to it but didn't recognize "us" and thought it was a stranger...it's so ewww.

I then listened to the recording from yesterday that Steven made, it was funny because we were eating lunch at the time. It still felt like the first time listening.

I hate it, but I got a feeling that we aren't done yet.

That makes total sense!! Thank you for sharing that with me. As I was reading your experiences, I was seeing times that it has happened with me. That makes complete sense!!!

Thank you!

This has been so eye opening and hard for me to grasp. At first there was the feeling/thoughts that this cannot be happening. The denial. I've come to the place, inside of me, that I am accepting what has always been. I have been selfish, up until about 2 months ago, and have tried to not listen. That has made me no better than the one who wouldn't listen to me when I was trying to tell her how I felt, and important things that I needed her to hear.

I am listening and validating now. There seems to be peace in that validation and I am feeling more of the other parts of me.

Thank you again for sharing this. I may consider the recording..... in time.

I believe this has happened to me in the past few sessions, tho there's been a lot of upset that they don't trust her... So I'm not sure what's going to happen... They still seem to have good control over my feelings and are making me not trust her either... They'll yell and scream at me in session which is making it very hard to stay present and grounded...

I don't know what to do if they never gain her trust... Seems like it's going to be a lot of time wasted if I can't get them on board... I admit, I think they have good reason to not... Tho I'm trying to get that turned around with her...

I totally understand what you are saying Mookster. The whole trust thing has been big with me. That was a part of me that actually told me that my counselor was a THREAT. That really shook me up and I was really questioning why. I didn't feel a threat, but that part did. My parts are all about keeping the waters calm, so there is not any kind of explosion. Do what you have to do to keep the calm.

We were talking about the in session a while back, how I try so very hard to keep things calm. Pacify. Radar is always on. I gave him the example of being in a boat and the water being calm, no waves, and how that feels like a safe place. He made the statement that if it was him, he would rock the boat. That is his personality. And maybe one day, I can rock the boat and not feel the overwhelming need to keep the peace. I'm rambling.

Anyway, the part of me that saw my counselor as a threat, took me back to that moment in session, and shared it with me. That was really one of the first interactions I had, up to that point, with another part of me. It was very truthful and honest.

My counselor and I talked about it in the next session. He apologized for saying it and not being more understanding. That calmed the waters, so to speak, and it also opened the door for trust for that part of me.

I hope that encourages you, Mookster. I am encouraged by Plum90.

Quoting: In other words some protectors were just doing their jobs. Many of my experiences losing time or getting very foggy-minded in therapy turned out to be protectors testing, gauging and challenging the therapist. This was a necessary process.