being with and naming your alters

My lost memory came in my dreams in which I observed 'myself' in a terrible situation The feelings even in my dream were so real and terrible and it was like I was there and reliving it as myself for the first time. It was after expereincing this and seeing myself in a dream that the alter who was standing in for me became known to me. When I was able to accept what she had experienced, and felt it as my own that alter was no longer unknown to me and in time was assimilated into who I now am.

i always figured every human being remembered events in a similar way, from the outside/distanced, watching it like a movie, sometimes with no emotion or intense emotion depending...not like they are going through it again and seeing it through their eyes type of thing.

your questions to me....

Yes i still dissociate. yes all my alters have been merged together into one stable personality. they are now me and I am now them. to understand this heres an experiment. take a glass of hot water. now pour that hot water into many glasses, let some of them cool and some boil to various temperatures. then pour all the water back together again. (the one whole glass of hot water is one whole person at birth, the separating of water is a representative of trauma and the mind creating many alters. the boiling and cooling represents what is added to each alter (memories emotions experiences...) and the adding all water back together is a representative of integration (everyone becoming one whole person again.)

I am like the water. I was born one whole person, then due to extreme trauma before the age of 5 my mind created alternate personalities. these alters all my life took control any time I or an alter was triggered and dissociated.

example if I dissociated (felt numb, spaced out, disconencted...) during a rain storm (trigger that caused the dissociation) the alternate personality Rainy would take control because dealing with rain storms was her job, purpose and reason why my mind created her) this went on all through my whole life since the moment my mind created her.

ever time through therapy and learning how to handle my problems (anxiety, depression, dissociation symptoms) and learning things like breathing exercises, meditation, relaxation, grounding and other therapeutic tools I learned how to handle rain storms on my own. during this process Rainy started sharing more and more information with me through co consciousness (hearing her voice while she was in control, hearing her voice in my head, and images of memories that she was sharing with me)

as I while in aware non dissociated state of mind became stronger and able to deal with all this on my own Rainy no longer had to do her job, purpose, reason for being. so she like the water going back together, became one with me.

I can remember those memories, emotions, experiences that used to be hers and is now our's as one whole person. I can talk about her being separate with me if I choose to do so. but I choose most of the time, not to because everything she was became me and I her. I will never forget that this memory or that emotion was part of her and who she was and what she did for me, and i know that she did not die, cease to exist because I have her memories and all that was her. she is still here just in a different way now, as me, one whole person again. there is no need for us to be separate, I am capable of doing her job, purpose reason for being because she is one with me now.

for example my siblings and I were talking recently about how I used to hide under a blanket during a rain storm. I smiled because I knew that was rainy and I now know how and why rain storms scared me to the point of her creation to deal with that problem. I looked at my sibling and said little did you know that it was rainy under that blanket and I was asleep. my sibling laughed and said yea isnt it grand that you and she are one, no more hiding under blankets. I laughed and said yea now I have rainy's nerves, and thelma cursing abilities so I sit there on the sofa holding Rainy's zebra stuffed animal and yell like thelma at the storm ....roar you such and such and then some, go ahead and roar.

but you are right I dont switch into alters anymore because there is no need for it. I now have the coping skills and ability to use those coping skills or not, I will never again switch into alternate personalities because they have all been merged together with me because their jobs purposes reasons for being created is gone. plus the fact that I am an adult. here in America DID is a metal disorder that happens to very young children under the age of 5 due to extreme trauma. what that means is that once I reached to point of healing where I no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for DID, I could never again have DID.

that doesnt mean a person who had a past diagnosis of DID doesnt dissociate. a person here in america can have dissociation problems with just about every mental and physical health problem and normal events of dissociation too.

I may no longer fit the diagnostics for DID because all my alters have been integrated\merged into one whole person again but I still have my dissociative times.

your question to my other reply to you about my usage of co consciousness...
I use the term co consciousness based on my locations definition....

co consciousness is things like feeling spaced out, disconnected and knowing a conversation is taking part but it does feel like you doing the talking,

example being triggered by a rain storm i would start feeling spaced out, like Im far away from my wife as she was talking to me, I would know words were coming out of my mouth but felt what was being said was not my own words. they were the words and sounds that Rainy makes.... crying, fearful ... I would not literally see rainy because she resided with in my body. just felt like it wasnt me doing the talking, my ...perception...was that it was Rainy doing the talking and crying. (actually seeing an alter here in my location is called psychosis not dissociation)

co consciousness for some in my location is hearing the voices of the alters inside or outside my head. it used to be believed in my location that hearing alters outside the head was not dissociation but it has changed due to sometimes a persons ...perception... of the voice is that its coming from behind or next to them. this is not a diagnostic criteria meaning a person does not have to hear the voices of their alters. having DID is not ....dependent ...upon hearing voices due to other mental disorders do carry that diagnostic criteria.

in my location co consciousness is when the alters and those they reside with in have the ability to communicate, share with each other.

we now have two mental disorders here in america OSDD is like DID but with more co consciousness, less separation, less memory \amnesia. DID has more memory\amnesia\separation \ dissociative symptoms.

people that post here on this board may have any number of dissociative disorders. this board isnt only for those with the severity where there is limited co consciousness. its for all the dissociative disorders whether or not someone has alters or not.

Hello again. thank you for your detailed answer. I really do understand the analogy of water in a glass. .

now I have one more question: did you have a part of you that wasnt an alter but was always there in the background-- acting like the supervisor or an adult competent guardian directing or overseeing what was going on with you?

In my own case,
First I had the me who was introduced to the others, then there were the others/alters, but in addition there was this function who was very strong and protective of me and who also seemed to know what was really going on. This function did not step out and act as an alter might. Her role was completely behind the scenes, behind my eyes where each alter slid the curtain over and step out and take her place , seeing the world through her own (new) set of eyes.

I became aware of this function when I began to receive notes writtedn by what I guess must have been automatic writing. these notes were reassuring and encouraging and they were always written in hand written printing. I had just begun expereincing flagrant dissociation about this time and it was if she was there letting me know that I wasnt alone and that it would be all right.

Did you have anything like that working for you?

Such clear awareness that these individual named alters are there is aprt of what I find so upsetting.

Clear awareness is upsetting. When I started to realize what was happening and would be aware that a part was coming forward, it freaked me out, it was like someone was slipping into my skin. And the really odd thing was that they felt more completely real than 'I' did, if that can possibly make any sense.

Also, my dissociation was always just something that happened with me and that I later become aware of.

I, who finally got therapy, had no idea dissociation was happening. If I had, I would have gotten help decades earlier. It has taken quite a while to understand, from a lived perspective, what it has meant over the years. I have a lot of loss to grieve. It has profoundly affected my vocational expression, relationships, memory and ability to self advocate.

It is not a fun circus act or carnival ride. It explains so many frustrations over time, including not understanding and feeling the movement of time in my life.
That is something I wish people would talk more about. Time distortion is a documented component of dissociative disorders, DID especially.

As for the calling out parts, I have never been able to do that and believe me, there have been times it would have been extremely helpful to be able to. Most of the time, a part with the needed skills seems to step in and get things done, but only as a response to external necessity. Though, now, I can "talk" to a part that I know to be in distress based on what has emerged in therapy.

I have NEVER been able to make a choice from a solid inner sense of self. I have good instincts for survival. That is not the same as knowing what you want or like and going for it. My insides are in perpetual conflict that has been immobilizing.
If "talking" to parts can help, I'm totally on board with that.

But drama? No thank you. My own flavor of this dissociative thing is to be extremely private. The basis of my survival over the years was to NOT draw attention to what was happening, apparently. All the parts can and do function under the given name, which I/we have always detested. The whole point was to keep going and stay hidden. All the most precious parts of "me" were hidden to be kept safe. And of course, the ones who were out and about are also precious.

Wow, I've gone on too much. Sorry. Really good thread you started.

here in my location the one that is not an alter , the aware self is called the body born person, the host and the one to which all others reside with in. yes I had this (if I didnt by my locations definitions if the body \body born self does not exist then none of the others exist. sometimes a person is so traumatized that the body person is not reachable, so dissociated that its the alters that take on the role of being the host through taking turns. with in my internal system there wasnt that severe of a division\dissociative walling off of me the body born person. but there was enough severe division to where i did not know a majority of my alters. (limited co consciousness, lots of what my location calls dissociative amnesia) I was there, my alters were there but we didnt do a lot of sharing and such. I would be in control then if something triggered me the alters took control.

each one of my alters had their own way of being, their own jobs, purposes, own reasons why they were created..

when rainy was in control her thoughts, behaviors, senses were all from her point of view, when thelma was in control everything was from her point of view. when red was in control it everything that went on was from reds point of view.

with the few that I was co conscious with it was from my point of view and perception. ie if rainy was in control and I happened to be co conscious with her my thoughts were ....rainy is crying, thats rainy moving.

when I was not in dissociated state of mind it was I am walking across the room, I am eating, I am feeling this or that.

the perceptions, alterations in identity and such was relative to who was in control.

that said i had many different types of alters. some were dissociative in nature connected to my having DID and I had other types of alters that even normal people have and people have with other mental disorders called introjects, psychosis induced (bipolar disorder), medication induced....

in order to really figure out whats going on with in you you will need to contact a treatment provider, there are just so many things that can cause the same issues that comparing yourself to others can end up causing you more and more stress, confusion and possibly aiming for the wrong types of alters and the like. I know you really want to know what is going on with in you but the only real sure fire way to know is through a treatment provider.

what I can tell you is that here in america we have uniform diagnostics that everyone with mental disorders must meet. a persons internal system can be comprised infinite ways with all kinds of mixtures of symptoms and problems but for diagnosis purposes everyone in america must meet the same diagnostic criteria...with these new diagnostics put in place in 2013 new tests and testing procedures are done, its so much easier now then years gone by to get the correct diagnosis.

my suggestion is contact a treatment provider. they can explain whats what in your location and how to get the correct diagnosis.

Thank you for your writing and input. I should explain myself better. I have been in therapy as a DID and basically am now living a stable life. I am trying to understand this DID disorder better , and until now have never met anyone else who had this. Joining this forum provides me with the ability to share and have others share their experienses adn thought with me. that leads to better understanding.

I guess maybe, if I understand what you have said correctly, I lived my life through my alters. The 'body born person' wasnt there for me until after years of therapy. I think that body born person was lost when I was very very young and the alters pretty much lived my life for a good long time.

I think this forum is not good for me. I find it too theatrical in many ways and maybe thats because I am an older lady. The last thing I want /wanted was for others to know about me. I mean no offense when I say that it seems to me that on this forum there is too much exaggeration and theatrics and that does bother me and concern me. I guess I see all the people whose alters are coming our and getting together here as being more than a little over the top. I have a difficult time seeing this as being helpful to anyone who dissociates and wants to be able to function as fully as she possibly can in life, with or without therapy. Chatting about activities and ways to help ourselves and each other is a good thing. But, I guess I see this other stuff as sensationalism or encouraging sensationalism.

I apologize to anyone who feels hurt by what I saw. Remember this is my opinion. I didnt write the book on DID and god only knows hoyw typical my expreince is. However, I do find it makes me extremely tired reading these things, and as I do, feeling as if I just stepped into a very weird and potentially dangerous lala land.

Hi. Being I'm the only crazy one on here that has no problem of posting stuff that you wouldn't post....excuse me. I cant help to feel somewhat offended by your little remark of "theatrical". Walk in our shoes for a day, then do it for 48 years.....its like bouncing off walls and torn in 20 different directions at once all the time with breakdown after breakdown. Theatrics is trying to not kill yourself everytime you smile. I keep asking why am I alive? They wont let me kill us.

No worries...I'll be keeping our crazy to our selves. I've asked Jon to scrub this account so I dont bother anyone.. Hows that for theatrics. Like I've always said, this is such a lonely condition....like I got control over whats said. Its taken 48 years to finally have the nerve to express and speakout, and everytime we do...slam.

Our history...jails, instituions, hospitals, job loss, mental emotional breakdowns, 20 years of emotional, mental, physical, sexual SR abuse. 4 divorces, bipolarsm, alcholic drug addict (can you blame us).... We are very theatrical.

I just want to thank the rest for your support through our initial worse...but we found freedom finally...sorry to offend anyone. Sure we got a little free on here...but we are nuts. Obviously its too much for anyone to really bare.

I do admit, we can be quite the drama queen...but were just open and free.

Actually...Im not too bothered by all this, I think I find it rather funny. Some of the others are laughing, too.

I wish you all great healing and recovery....everyone. Thank-you.

Ta-ta

Hey AC2 - I totally get where you are coming from. Apparently we should be listening to each other and validating each other just so long as we don't bring too much drama. Well sod that. It was drama that got us to where we are today - And drama is our lives today. Not a lot we can do about it and Im not going to apologise for that. I came here to be accepted for who I am. That has failed astoundingly the last couple of weeks. I've pretty much given up on these boards too. Im not deleting my account - just waiting for a time where we can be who we are without being judged. I hope you do the same, as its been great to know (all of) you. xxx