Suicidal...

No words. I'm here though! (((Hug)))

I just wanted to let you know I care.

If you feel like talking

Veda typing...

I'm not good at being helpful. Really, I'm flat out awful about it. For that I apologize. If I could insert correct words here I would. Alas, they fail me... so here's what I'm gonna do... I'm gonna type on a bit and hopefully not be the complete opposite of helpful.

You're a cool cat in my book. As it happens, I'm not a fan of seeing people I like not doing so swell. I've tried telling life that it's breaking my rules when it allows cool cats to feel less than swell. Life has this way of doing it's own thing though.

I don't know about you, but I've never been keen on people telling me to feel better... so I won't do that now... even though I do want that for you. What I will say is that I hear you and soooooo feel you on the bad day thing and I'm glad to see you wrote here and posted.

hey elevatedsoul

please take care of yourself. why are you feeling like this at the moment, and are you with anyone?

what do you do to distract yourself when this happens?
if you need to, go to the E.R (i hope it won't come to that)

we're all here for you

(((((hugs))))

Sometimes the best place to be is in bed hiding. You can't fight the good fight every day. Sometimes it is okay to hide away from it all. But try to go to therapy tomorrow if you can as it may help you to speak about just as you have on here. Trying to have a good day is a positive step, but just because it didn't turn out as you'd expect doesn't mean it is all bad. Having said thar, I genuinely understand how you feel though as I've been in a similar position to what you describe many times over the years.
It's bloody painful!

The point in posting this is that you reached out to people and we reached back. We see you and you are worthwhile.

((((ES))))

A good part of the healing process involves finding ways to survive the hardest days.... those days where it is hard enough to just keep taking one breath after another.

But... that's all you have to do today. That's your only job. Right now you are the bearer of the candle for all of you... your job is to carry this broken person that you are through the day to get to the next one, and if necessary the next one again, and the one after that. Without you doing that job there isn't hope for any of you... and those broken ones inside will never get to have their voice heard.

We have been where you are now, and where you are now is not forever. We have breathed through those days where it took all our energy just to keep breathing. It's the hardest part of life of all, but it isn't forever. And your job, your purpose right now, is to carry all of you through it so you can get to the other side.
If you stop breathing all hope - not just for you, but for all those ones inside whose voices have yet to be heard - is lost.

Just. Keep. Breathing.
We here in this forum are breathing beside you. |

(((((peace nd calm to you, ES)))))

thanks all...

im ok...

i think its just that i have been trying so hard... but i feel like im spinning wheels in place and not getting anywhere... my tires are balding and the rubber wears thin...

the year is almost over again... ill have another birthday and a new year will come and then it will too be over... i have nothing to show for this year besides more scars..
no memories... im just tired of going through it..
having a hard time keeping up with the date... what year it is..

scared because im just getting older and i have yet to really live... i just want to have a life at this rate another 10 years will disappear and ill find myself sitting somewhere going through the same things...
feels like im already dead though, just as well, you know..? living hell...

so tired of trying to piece things together well enough to hold sanity... to not go mad because i dunno what im doing or where im coming from.. im so tired... i just want to be happy... but happiness seems so far away...

im sorry about not putting a trigger icon, i posted on tapatalk and i dunno how to do it on there..

im not going to do anything bad.. ill be ok...
thanks for being kind to me...

So glad you are doing better. You have been on my heart!

I'm so glad you're okay

I did worry about you a lot.

we're here always. just remember that

my therapist was a little worried too I think.. but I want to be happy too bad to let that happen, she asked if I want to go to the hospital for a couple days, which a part of me does, but a larger part says hell no because I tried it one time and things just became more complicated... It was kinda a traumatic experience for me... Im a country boy and they took me to the city... Tall buildings make me dizzy.. and having to have a roommate... And all I wanted to do was run away and find a forest to hide in... I don't even know why I went last time... But I can't remember anything ever anyway so im used to that... I just don't normally let that kind of thing happen, I guess I was desperate though... Desperate now, but I don't want to be locked up..

T said something about expansion and contraction... That because I have been trying hard to connect with people and enjoy myself during period of expansion I collapsed into a contraction ... I can't remember exactly how she said it but im gonna try to read about it...

At one point she asked me what feelings I was having at that Moment and I was like I dunno, empty I guess, and she said I just had a blank look, talking about one of the traumatic moment s.. I still don't really have feelings about it... But I think sometimes I should of killed him instead of letting him live and get away.. but she said that just shows and is proof of the kind of person I am, because im supposed to be thinking of who I am, form an identity, which she said I value life highly, and i like that.. I want to be a good person, I just have to figure out who I am... It's okey to be myself she said...

I just wish I wasn't so stressed out

I hate talking to her and realize I been running in circles for 20 minutes and confused about what I was trying to say in the first place, but I guess that's part of the other problem I have.. hiding myself because I just want to be accepted.. strange how that works(doesn't)

I have another long weekend ahead of me, I hope I can get through it without too many triggers, but so much drama, im sure it's gonna be hard

Thanks for giving me a space to try to express myself and my deepest desires, even though I don't know what they are

I don't know you yet, but I'm glad you posted on here. I totally relate to the worry about getting older and life passing by while you're stuggling to heal. That's about 1/4 of my conversations with my T.

Being stuck in the downward/paralyzing spiral sucks, but you're strong. I know it's hard to feel strong, but anyone that's survived this long IS strong

i appreciate it woods girl.. welcome here <3

im trying to catch up with my age and realize i still have time but time sucks so bad

thats like what my therapist is trying to get through to me, i try to see it that way but it really is really hard sometimes

because i guess i just disconnect, or clock out, and parts of me do whats needed to get through without pain .. often i find myself looking out and wondering whats happening knowing that i have been acting out of character for me, but im not allowed to be myself to others or else more pain be caused, but i desperately want to be seen and heard and felt and all that good stuff

i fighting with myself over who i am i guess, and dont want to give in to any one side so i end up here trying to make sense of stuff i guess..? im glad this place is here though, to meet others that care and try to hold onto this part that i am so that i cn control the others and not lose it all

i hope you are doing well, i know being here pretty much means you are having some issues but we are here for you as well

thanks for your message.. you are strong too <3

i chnge so fast

to keep a handle... break the wall...
break the wall... we all fall...

Did it again.. im so ashamed of myself.. I don't wanna be around anyone anymore ever....

Like a puppet... I just want it to stop.. I just want to hide... It's not fair.. why is this happening to me...

Scared...

i know why its happening... but i dont know what to do about it..
helping to raise a child is not an easy thing.. trying so hard to get better is not easy..
they say 1 day at a time... i try to go one moment at a time.. but i end up making it all worse, thinking im doing good things.. but later guess what..? "You're a fool, stop acting retarded, acting nice, acting like everything is fine, You think that makes it better? You're just causing problems by getting attention! You need to stop, Stop talking to people, Stop letting people see you, Stop trying to be happy because you can't be happy, Stop pretending like its all going to be ok, Knock it off"

i just want to be alone.. but i cant get away.. im stuck in this god forsaken hole and just no way to get out... if i do get out, look what happens.. just going to try to hide for ever... hopefully the people that saw me will forget about it all... im NOT that happy and fun and i dont want to try anymore.. just want to stay in the closet and lock the doors with the lights off... i dont want any attention... but boy did i get it last night... supposed to be good thing, but no... become the center of attention, life of the party, everyone happy and having fun, and i attack myself for trying to relax...
See what happens when you let your guard down?
i just want to get out... im so tired... im probably going to end up back in the hospital aren't i...

(((ES))(((HUGS)))

Been there myself unfortunately..more times than we'd like to admit
Hope you can find some help and pull outta this hole
PM me any time hun if u need to talk or just scream at my msg pg..that's OK too...

all of this...

why me...

I feel your pain empathetically. I'm on a search for purpose-but no words I have can help. Here are someone else's. This is from Dreams by Nuages.

Let's suppose that you were able every night to dream any dream you wanted to dream
and you would naturally as you begin on this adventure of dreams
you would fulfill all your wishes.
You would have every kind of pleasure you see
and after several nights you would say
wow that was pretty great
but now let's have a surprise
let's have a dream which isn't under control
Well somethings going to happen to me that I don't know what it's going to be
Then you would get more and more adventurous
and you would make further and further out gambles
as to what you would dream
and finally you would dream
where you are now
If you awaken from this illusion
And you understand black implies white
self implies other
life implies death
you can feel yourself
not as a stranger in the world
not as something here on probation
not as something that has arrived here by fluke
but you can begin to feel your own existence as absolutely fundamental
what you are basically
deep deep down
far far in
is simply the fabric and structure of existence itself

I can relate, and understand your pain.

Hugs and strengh for here, I send you.

We would protect you if we could.

Yeah, all dis again . I hate dis planet. I hate dis life. I can't take it, yeah all cut up . Take da pain and shuv it ***** . One day it all be over you see,. Den I be happy and released yeah finally. I hate you! I hate you! Go die Im tired of hearing that u knoww... Everyone say it... I been waiting and fighting for it to get better fornanpong time... WTF, that's stupid how did that happen, this tablet is broke.. I try to copy but day happen,whatever ima to drink dumb *****