OK - Infant Dissociative part

*** TRIGGERING ***

Has anyone experienced (or have) an infant dissociative part?

During my time with my counselor last night, we talked about the drawing that happened last week. It seems to me, that there were 2 separate parts of me, when that happened. The shakey/vibrating feeling in my chest and had was one to itself. It wanted something to be known and seen. It wanted it brought out. The drawing was of a girl and I believe it is an infant, which is another part.

There are fragments of images, that I have seen already, in the past months and haven't really connected them together. It's seems that they are coming together now, on their own.

It's really not a storyline that I want to know is true. Could I be putting these things together myself, or it is as I'm seeing/knowing it? I think the "knowing" part is the most disturbing to me. I'm trying to convince myself that it couldn't be, but that part of me "knows."

I haven't experienced a place like this before. Other parts of me that I have found have a personality, words, attitude and a feeling to me. This part doesn't have any of those verbal parts, but there is the "feeling" from it. That would make sense if it's an infant.

I guess I'm just trying to sort this out and come to terms with it, and I was curious if anyone else has experienced anything like this.

Thank you for hearing me!

Hi Trailrunner. I have had similar experiences where different things come up over a period of time - things that have no context and don't seem to be connected - and then after a while they come together to form more of a 'picture' or a 'story'. So in that sense, yes, I have had similar experiences.
And yes, I have had the experience of not wanting to know the emerging story is true.

One thing that has helped me immensely is not getting too caught up on whether the 'stories' are actually historically true or not. That I will never know.
What is known is that whatever emerges is the emotional truth of my dissociated experiences. Whatever emerges is the reality for the pieces-of-me that hold it. And it is this emotional truth that needs healing. When I can accept that without needing verification in order to do so, healing - and thus my own emotional relief as well - happens much faster.
Go gently, TR.

do you have a good therapist
i like mine but she not like to make things into stone...
im the one with the questions and im the one with the answers she makes me feel like
but she is cool... beter than not having anyone.. glad she tries to help...

parts? dissociation? i have no clue... confuses me so much... which just makes me feel more stupid... some times i can know, alot of times im just left alone... wish it was simple

Thank you Luce for your reply and words. I read them earlier and took them to the trail with me. I came home, and I'll be honest - had a couple of adult beverages. Right now, I want to cry, scream, yell curse words and hide somewhere. Actually, it would be nice to drive to the coast and see the storm that is brewing. It feels like I would experience some release from it. Don't know if that makes sense or not. I'm not drama, really - I know better, but it seems these days that is what I'm experiencing. Well, maybe not drama - maybe emotion. That just dawned on me.

I've been working with my counselor for about 3 years and this event/moment/revelation/hijacking has been the most discerning to me. It seems to hold much truth to the other things I've not understood.

There is a part of me that wants to make "sense" of this. Please tell me that I'm ok. Please tell me that I'm safe. What's going on in my head, in my "knowing" is that what it was? I commented on another thread about trying to make the perfect family, because I didn't have it. I failed as did theirs. So, in the ruins of the family I tried to create, I'm met face to face with the reality and truth, from such a very, very young perspective of what I was trying to replace and make better. Does that make sense.

I'm trying not to get caught up in the emotion of it, but it seems pointless to me. That is what brought me here. It wasn't even me, but a part of me that wanted this to be known. In reality I know it's not a "now" experience, but tell that to the part of me freaking out over it, and the one wounded from it.

Historical truth seems to be something that is important to me. Something I can understand. Something that a part of me can find comfort in, or know that that's not a place of safety. Trying to understand the truth of what I wasn't witness to at that time. Does that make sense?

I'm sorry! I have so many things going through my mind and I'm trying to sort them out. I feel so broken in the ashes of what I'm looking at.

The sad thing is I still have an ongoing relationship with the person. I am very good at being a chameleon and being what is needed to be ok. That's the outside version. On the inside, it's the one that I'm experiencing right now. There is no vision of healing, in mind to make this better, and that kind of makes the place I'm in a bit more angry.

Thank you for hearing me!! I trust what I've put my hope in to walk me through this, and I thank you.

Thank you ES! I do have a wonderful counselor. I've really never had a therapist or counselor before. He's the only person I've shared my concerns with.

I feel very blessed and thankful that he works with me in the direction that I'm lead, if that makes sense.

Forgive me if I confused you with my thread. I confuse myself sometimes!! Thank you for thinking of me and your reply.

You are in no way stupid!! Be thankful that you have no knowledge or understanding of it for now. It may be an interesting subject for you later, if you are inclined.

I have a baby part. T3 says that she is preverbal and so can't put things into words and to not worry about it. Probably she will not have complete memories and probably I will never know what is true history. But that doesn't matter (according to t3 who has a Lot of experience with dissociative disorders). Like you, I don't have a very complete sense of what she is like. I do know she is unhappy. And that makes me sad.

We've done brain spotting with her and I am more able to regulate intense feelings of dependency. I hope your baby part can find some peace. She really is a cute little thing!

Thank you! I've not heard of brain spotting before. The main thing going on is the emotional remnants that I feel like is coming from that part/memory. Fear. Paralyzing fear and anxiety. Pieces are coming together in my mind, and I'm just going to go with it.

I pray she finds peace too! I believe that will be found in me when I can understand/process all of these pieces.

I am pretty sure that you have talked about being a person who prays. If so, you could consider praying for her. I have found that useful.

If not, just ignore that suggestion.

Thank you! You are absolutely right! Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to figure "this" out and understand it. When I'm so caught up in trying to control it I lose sight of that.

Thank you for for the refocus!

Well, of course you want to figure it out!

I don't belong here. I was not welcomed here. I was an inconvenience. I was an answer to a prayer. I was not welcomed. I was too needy. I wasn't self sufficient enough. I was defiant. I was disobedient. I cried. I was lonely. I wanted comfort.

I am sorry. Forgive me.

No!!!

Why!!! It's not my fault.

I needed safety. I needed comfort. I needed love. I'm angry. I don't know what to do with it!!! It feels numb and confusing.

I want to get in my car and drive until it runs out of gas!!

This is a lonely place!!!!

Hunny, wherever you run out of gas will be a lonely place too!

Isn't that the most awful position for an infant or young child to be in. They feel it... Of course they do. And to think there are infants today - right this very minute - who are in that same position... learning those same 'truths' about themselves.
It is so so wrong.
Every single infant / baby/ toddler /child needs to be loved and wanted. It is so crucial for their development. I don't think anything could matter more.

I know. It would be just as lonely. I guess that's just that defiant part of me wanting to run away,
But I guess it is what it is.

Maybe there is just a little bit of power and control in 'running away'.

Maybe so. Something in me, very deep, would like nothing more than that. Just don't know where that would be.

Thank you for hearing me!!

So much anger!! Trying to engage normally and handle it is very hard to do. I'm supposed to be "ok" and this is so loud in my mind.

I'm praying that I am given a way to give this part of me love and acceptance.

Ya know, it keeps going. After the fact of not being a little anymore. It matters with everything from that point on. Everything. All the decisions that I've made have been from that point of impact.

I have "aged" by calendar years, but that part of me is still there asking the same questions and feeling the same way as in my post. The defiant "get in my car and get the hell out of here" came a while back, but there is the feeling of still wanting that safe place.

Forgive me. It's late and I am .....

Thank you for hearing me!!

I hear you.

Thank you!!!

It means much!

I've got the teen who wants to run away also. I think our systems must be pretty alike, TR. When I am not feeling so good, the baby cries and wants comfort so bad, and the teen says f this, I am out of here. I know the teen is present when I want to swear. The rest of me doesn't use that kind of language.

Yes kecanoe. It does seem that we have two parts of us that are very much alike! The teen and my 12 yo part are very much the same. It just dawned on me though as I'm typing this. There is much frustration that I feel, when I want to "GTH outta here" it's like there is no way I could do it. Revelation moment for that feeling - a 12 yo can't drive. That explains that "feeling" and frustration.

The baby part of me is suspended in a state of shock/fear/panic. It feels like it is frozen in a dissociated state of numbness. It doesn't know.... Crying was what seemed to get it in this suspended state.

Sorry if that's TMI it just came to me.