OK - Infant Dissociative part

Im late coming to this thread, I also admit I havent read this whole thread so please excuse me if I repeat whats already posted...

one time my therapist and I noticed I would sometimes draw strangely. out of curiosity the next time she caught me in my pre verbal dissociated state, she gave me the HTP test.

this test is not given to adults in america, Adults are given the Scholastic Achievement Test and a full battery of psychiatric evaluations)

HTP stands for House, Tree, Person psychological intelligence test. this test is given to pre school, head start and in coming kindergarten children as a school screening test by school psychologists to see whether the incoming kindergarten child is going to need special academic or psychological help.

one thing about this test is that its easily invalidated. a treatment provider knows instantly if the client is faking the pre verbal alternate personality. this test is deceptively simple. the client is asked to draw a house, tree and person. but there is much more involved with scoring the test then just what is drawn. yes you can find older, incomplete and outdated versions of this test online but the new tests are different. example this test was invented in 1948, some updates on line is from 1969-1970. the new test was updated in 2013. obviously what humans considered to be part of normal life, normal accademic standards for preverbal and preschool children has changed over the years. a shakey leafless tree no longer means the child is 2 years old with no social life or ego. it could mean anything from the child watched a construction crew cut down a tree or their tree in their back yard shook when they swung \ climbed on it when they were 8 years old to a teen ager who got scared while sitting in the tree and the wind blew the leaves off the tree.

my point this test takes into consideration much now then it used to and what you find online. if a person copies what they find online the treatment provider instantly knows the pre verbal alternate personality is faked.

At the same time my treatment provider gave me the PPVT and the PIAT (tests similar to the SAT's but for pre verbal through 5-12 year olds. pictures and sight words.)

so back to my taking the tests while in a preverbal altered state of mind. what the test showed my therapist was that yes I was showing I was preverbal and infant- toddler- pre school level it more pointed to the fact that the alter was older but was the embodiment of the emotion of fear. That alter held everything that was fear. so of course they appeared pre verbal infantile, drew a baby like blob with no hands, fingers, toes, legs mouth, because that alter was afraid to talk afraid to move, afraid to hear, see....

my suggestion is maybe your treatment provider can give you the tests like the new updated HTP and the PPVT, PIAT when she sees you are in this pre verbal altered state of mind. it can give you a way to communicate with you\that alter and also find out if this alter is selective mute or mute due to trauma \ embodiment of an emotion but older then enfantile \ ... my point it may give you the answers you are looking for.

Thank you Amandalouise. What you said and explained makes sense and kind of takes me to a picture that I witnessed being drawn a couple of weeks ago, during my session time.

It's not really an alter stepping in, I don't think, although something very different happened then. It's more like I am experiencing the feeling/emotion of a part of me. A part that experienced something it couldn't deal with or felt it was in extreme danger, and dissociated from. My visual memory shuts off, but it's like the emotional part of the memory is still playing out. It's kind of like that part, maybe, blends into what I am feeling.

It has happened with other parts that I have found, and it seems that I am "blended" with that part and feeling the emotions of that part, until a way is found to unburden it. It is just very different with a part that is so very young. It doesn't feel that there is understanding there, just the feeling of fear, anxiousness and not being wanted, welcomed or safety. Those are all feelings with no words or understanding to this a very little one.

Does that make sense? It's very hard to put into words.

Thank you ES! That made my heart smile!

makes perfect sense.

yes, we have a couple.

If you don't mind and it's ok asking, is there a way that you have to give/offer safety and comfort to very little parts?

I've been trying to connect with that part and I can't seem to get to it. It's too little to get to me.

just off the wall question...

how do you recognize a part..?
how do you recognize its small too..?

sei lá....

Me, myself, I'm not sure if I can explain it without someone experiencing it.

The place I'm in right now. There are flashes of fragmented images that connect to reactions and body memories. They come together and make a "fragmented picture" of what my mind is trying to make sense of. That is connected to the emotional reaction of what I experience. The body's (visceral) feeling of the fragments that my mind is piecing together and trying to make sense of.

Don't know if that makes sense, but that is it to me in a nut shell.

that makes sense as long as i am understanding it properly, thanks

so its sort of like having flashbacks that you dont really understand but have significant meaning for some reason?

im asking because im trying to figure it out... IF i have any parts that are there and WHEN they are trying to present, if not taking over my life and making me do these odd behaviours... (odd in the sense of out of character)

but its very confusing to me because as much as i can say i change, still find it difficult to simply say its switching or that im under the influence of a parts passive influence...

i wish it were simple and that i could know that way i could stop feeling so bad about it, like a manipulative cry baby fraud that cant handle a little stress..

thanks again my friends

"like a manipulative cry baby fraud that can't handle a little stress.."

I do not believe that is you in any way! It's really tough to try and sort these things out, and there have been plenty of times that I have heard that accusing "voice" in my head saying:

"Why are you doing this?"
"What is this going to prove?"
"Why can't you just get over it, and move on?"
"You are so needy and whiny!"

I do not like that voice! It sounds similar to your statement about being a manipulative cry baby. It takes courage and determination to see this through! That's something a cry baby certainly do!

Now, the flashbacks, switching and under the influence.....

I'm still trying to figure these out myself.

The flashbacks are like fragments and images that come to me, and they seem to come as I work myself through others. Does that make sense? It's like it (my mind) has it's own agenda and I'm being walked through finding these parts of me as they need to be seen. It is hard to explain.

I don't really "switch" I don't think. It's more like a part blends with "me" and I feel the emotion and usually hear the thoughts of that part. It's more like a "knowing" not audible. There has been a couple of times that I experienced amnesia, that I am aware of. There has also been times, as I've already posted, that I was a passenger and was there, but I wasn't ALL there. I can't really explain that either.

I think it is so individual for each person, the best we can do is take it in as we go.

Don't know if that's of much help.

((( hug )))

Correcting a typo on my previous post.

"That's something a cry baby certainly CAN'T do."

Forgive the the omission.

Not TMI at all. My 14 year old will take her parents car and come get your 12 year old. Who says she can't drive!

I think your description of infant part is a good one TR. For me, I know it's the baby "speaking" up when I can't find any words. Not just that I can't say words, I can't think in words. It is hard to describe...

Hah!! Have to share this with you!

What you said made the 12 yo feel like "YES!" Then, there was compliance very disturbed and concerned. Worried.

"Neither one of you are old enough to drive!! Make good choices!!"

It is very hard to put words to. It's just that feeling of ? I don't have a word. I'm
Praying that this may be a freedom place for me if I can get to it.

It's so hard to feel the feelings and not have the words for it. It may not make sense to anyone else but I know it's real.

Thank you!

There is much anger there!!! In that place of not knowing what is needed, there is very much anger towards what was there.

Anger. Righteous anger. Maybe?