[peaches100]

I'm curious if anybody can relate to this. I wrote it to my t today:

Hi T,

I'm coming for my session today. If I tell you how I'm feeling, it might help us know where to focus our work.

I still struggle with feeling tense in my sessions. The Protector is still active in keeping a distance between you and the parts of me that feel longing, pain, and need. There does not seem to be a way to convince the Protector that allowing little parts to participate in therapy work will turn out well for them, rather than hurt them.

The Protector has seen how letting those parts interact with you brings up their painful needs and longings to have the kind of relationship with you that they couldn't have with mom. But the Protector has also seen how our therapy relationship has not been able to give them the amount of contact, comfort, time, affection, etc., that they need, and how much disappointment and pain it causes them. It triggers all of the same feelings they had in the past because mom couldn't provide it either.

The Protector serves a big purpose in therapy. It keeps me in my adult mind, and keeps hurt parts at enough distance from you, so that the painful cycle of having needs that can't be met doesn't keep hurting me again and again. I'm sorry that it also keeps me feeling tense in my sessions, and sometimes unable to connect with my hurt parts. But I don't know what else to do right now. Staying distant keeps me from doing the work we need to do, but getting closer seems like it is almost sure to keep causing longings for things that can't be.

I know none of this is new to you. You know it already. I seem to need to say it over and over again. I don't know why. I guess it just always forefront in my mind.

I hope that the resetting emotions thing we are doing will help. I have to admit it doesn't make much sense how picturing an emotion as a visual thing until the picture changes is going to achieve anything. But I haven't felt a lot of shame this past week, so that's good. I'm willing to keep doing it.

Peaches

I think it's great you can share your letter to your therapist on here.

(((((hugs)))

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I'm curious if anybody can relate to this. I wrote it to my t today:

Hi T,

I'm coming for my session today. If I tell you how I'm feeling, it might help us know where to focus our work.

I still struggle with feeling tense in my sessions. The Protector is still active in keeping a distance between you and the parts of me that feel longing, pain, and need. There does not seem to be a way to convince the Protector that allowing little parts to participate in therapy work will turn out well for them, rather than hurt them.

The Protector has seen how letting those parts interact with you brings up their painful needs and longings to have the kind of relationship with you that they couldn't have with mom. But the Protector has also seen how our therapy relationship has not been able to give them the amount of contact, comfort, time, affection, etc., that they need, and how much disappointment and pain it causes them. It triggers all of the same feelings they had in the past because mom couldn't provide it either.

The Protector serves a big purpose in therapy. It keeps me in my adult mind, and keeps hurt parts at enough distance from you, so that the painful cycle of having needs that can't be met doesn't keep hurting me again and again. I'm sorry that it also keeps me feeling tense in my sessions, and sometimes unable to connect with my hurt parts. But I don't know what else to do right now. Staying distant keeps me from doing the work we need to do, but getting closer seems like it is almost sure to keep causing longings for things that can't be.

I know none of this is new to you. You know it already. I seem to need to say it over and over again. I don't know why. I guess it just always forefront in my mind.

I hope that the resetting emotions thing we are doing will help. I have to admit it doesn't make much sense how picturing an emotion as a visual thing until the picture changes is going to achieve anything. But I haven't felt a lot of shame this past week, so that's good. I'm willing to keep doing it.

Peaches

Yes. I can relate completely to what your note to your t says. Almost every aspect of it. It gives me hope that I can help my protector part understand that it's ok to fully trust my counselor enough to step back when I'm there.

I'm very interested in the "resetting emotions" that you referenced. Could you describe it? Maybe it would be something that could help me reassure my protector.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

I think it's great you can share your letter to your therapist on here.

(((((hugs)))

Thanks, ShatteredSanity! I appreciate you taking the time to read it and respond!

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Yes. I can relate completely to what your note to your t says. Almost every aspect of it. It gives me hope that I can help my protector part understand that it's ok to fully trust my counselor enough to step back when I'm there.

I'm very interested in the "resetting emotions" that you referenced. Could you describe it? Maybe it would be something that could help me reassure my protector.

Hi Trailrunner,

It helps me to know that somebody else can relate to what I'm talking about. I'm so glad you chose to reply and let me know you understand what it is like to experience this issue.

It's amazing to me how strong the Protector is. It feels like the strongest part of me by far. I know that it's job is to keep any vulnerable part of me away from people. It believes that nobody will understand the child parts of me. They will end up hurting them.

The Protector is right, actually, in a lot of ways. People don't understand dissociative people who have younger parts of themselves inside that still think, feel, and react like little kids. So for the Protector to allow those little ones to interact or form bonds with other people feels like a dangerous, unwise course.

Small ones first experienced feeling rejected by my parents a long time ago, and then again in a later relationship with an older woman who acted in a nurturing, motherly way toward them. So the Protector is especially on guard against letting those little ones interact with t in therapy. The Protector knows that unchecked, they will bond deeply with t and end up devastated when therapy ends and t leaves their lives. Already, they have suffered hurt and disappointment over limits in the therapy relationship, such as limits regarding between session contact, receiving physical comfort from t, expressions of affection, etc.

It's easy enough for the adult side of me to understand that the therapy relationship is limited and temporary, as well as to understand the need for boundaries in the relationship. But that doesn't help those other parts who seem unable to reason on things the way I can when I am not dissociated. Because they are unable to understand things in a mature way, and have been badly hurt already in relationship, the Protector feels obligated to monitor their every action to keep them safe.

You asked more about resetting emotions. My t and I have just started doing it, so I don't have much experience to tell yet. I do have a good explanation I found on a Web site and saved to my computer. Let me see if I can find it and I'll come back to this thread.

Peaches

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you Peaches. I googled it when I first read your post and didn't find anything helpful. My time was limited though.

I also agree with you on how strong the protector part is with me too. Thinking of it now, my mind keeps going to "disorganized attachment" and betrayal blindness. Being able to fully trust someone and feel safe with someone has not been something I've known. My counselor seems to be the closest that I've come to feeling it. The protector maybe is a remnant of the two. ?

"the Protector feels obligated to monitor their every action to keep them safe."

That really speaks to me. I don't know what to do about it though.

[amandalouise]

I had strong protectors too. some I had limited co consciousness with and others I had no coconsciousness with. some were there for the explicit purpose of keeping others at a distance, dont tell the secrets, but they were unable to prevent others from taking control. the way my system was set up was that any time I got triggered I dissociated. the resulting alter that took control was the one that dealt with that situation. (switching type system)

one thing we discovered with my having this kind of internal system was it didnt really matter whether the "littles" came out or not. their needs and wants got addressed anyway.

in the words of my locations terms.... all DID systems have a dissociative filter. (think of it like a thin wall or curtain. this wall or curtain is like a reverse sun visor... lets things in (otherwise no alters would be taking control during trauma and triggering situations) but this dissociative filter doesnt let things out until its the right time for it. until the one they reside with in is able to handle knowing about whats behind the curtain.)

how this dissociative filter worked with my system was if I felt someone in my system needed or wanted something I would either ask for that or do it for myself. this in turn would filter down to the one that needed/ wanted that....

example if I or my protectors felt rainy needed to be held during therapy we would ask my therapist if she could hold us for a bit. this sense of security and being held would filter through the dissociative filter to rainy and rainy would feel better. if Rainy could not tell my therapist something on her own I or one of the alters that had co consciousness with her would tell the therapist.

my point your post of alters remaining at a distance during therapy is something I went though but my treatment providers and I did not have this whole write a letter to T situation. we just didnt worry about whether the alters came out to talk with her or not.

In fact my location forbids therapists from encouraging people with DID to dissociate into being their alters for the purpose of alters talking with the therapists/ psychiatrists. therapy for DID here in NY is more on stabilizing, grounding, and if a switch just happens to happen during therapy fine, if it doesnt thats fine too.