[TrailRunner14]

Sorting this out for myself right now. I'm curious if anyone has experience or a knowledgeable way of looking at this. Does that make sense?

My hearts desire is to try and understand what happens when I'm not "all there" or there and don't have control of what's going on.

I don't really know if trying to understand/sort this out will make any difference. Is there peace/understanding in knowledge and wisdom?

[Luce]

For me there is a great deal of peace in understanding what is happening for me. But I have had many years of therapy... we then had many years when we retreated back into denial and shut down, and have since emerged because I now understand I *have* to deal with this stuff... it is there and it is not going away. Learning about the theory gives me the understanding that supports what I have already learned about myself in therapy. It is supportive for me because it validates the experiences that we denied for so long.

Here's what I think... if you are new to learning about your dissociation I don't think it is necessarily a good thing to learn about it from a theoretical viewpoint. Dissociation serves a purpose, and I don't think it is a good thing to mess with the status quo without putting protections in place.

I guess I would just be cautious. Maybe learn about it with your counsellor... just to be safe.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you Luce. It's 3+ years since the moment happened that woke me up.

My counselor told me, when he understood, that I would not be the same person I was then if I chose to go forward. For me, like you, I knew I didn't have a choice. I had to go forward.

I've tried to understand and read/learn everything I can to make sense of this.

Dissociation does and did serve purpose and I respect and thank it. I just don't want to be at it's mercy and have my feet clipped out from under me.

I don't know. The ANP and EP has been calling me. Something there. I'm rambling.

Thank you for your reply and your thoughts. I'm gonna sleep on it.

I keep seeing the diagrams of the different states that were in your link. My counselor and I worked with parts of me on paper stars. We rearranged them in different scenarios and something is clicking with that. I don't know.

I'm taxing my brain and it wants peace and sleep. Thank you for hearing me and your opinion and seasoned advice.

[Luce]

I certainly understand that feeling of something 'calling to you'... that feeling of when something resonates within and brings something that was once murky into clarity. It sounds like you're on to it.
Just keep your grounding strategies close and use them when necessary.

[Luce]

About wanting to know what happens when you're not 'all there'... A few months back I needed to know the same, so I started making videos to and for myself. I had never watched video of myself dissociating like that before. (Although of course I've seen my alters on video before, this was different, because it was of me actively dissociating and others coming out).
It was very confronting for me to view, but not necessarily in a 'bad' way. I got to see that these others are real. (There was definitely a disconnect about that beforehand). I go away and these others come out, and they are NOT me. I am not them and they are not me. I got to really see the reality of that.
For me, putting the theory of it all alongside the reality of what I saw on video gave me a better understanding... a greater compassion for what my selves are going through. (I am much better at being compassionate and accepting of others than I am with myself). It also gave me a greater sense of ownership.
When I consider it in terms of ANP and EP, I see that I am an ANP, and the EP stuff doesn't affect me. I *know* of it. It doesn't resonate with me emotionally. On video I can see that some of the EPs hold that emotion with full on intensity. I see it belongs to them and not to me. It's very, very real for them. For me its like it belongs to another human being entirely. But on video I watch *me* become *them* and see that it all belongs to this body right here.
Sorry, I'm aware I have just been rambling, and I'm not really fully aware of what my point was. I'll stop now.

[TrailRunner14]

Please don't. Please don't stop talking/rambling. I think sometimes that is where truth is found.

I'm not sure how to do what you are describing. My shifts are so fluid I don't recognize it sometimes until after the fact.

I'm not really sure how to do it on purpose and that makes a part of me very anxious.

I do know and have figured out that there are pieces of me that are ANP and there are EPs that are there. They do what they do as needed. I have no control or understanding of it until after the fact.

I've talked about this here and feel like I'm running around the same tree for the hundredth time!!!

I'm not sure how to capture something on video that is so elusive from me that I don't realize it until after the fact.

[Luce]

Well, I didn't switch 'on purpose' - I did intentionally set myself up to induce switching though.
We had been writing stuff to our ex t, and some of what was written was stuff I am not really privy to yet. So I sat myself in front of the computer with the video on and read aloud from what had been written. What I found was *I* could not read the stuff that was written by some others. Some I could - some I couldn't. I would start reading, then I would at some point switch out, and then afterwards I would watch the video to see what happened.
It got a little obsessive there for a while. Looking back I understand what it was that I needed to do - I needed to see what was happening. I needed to understand that alters were switching in and out, that they were not me, and that I was not 'making it up' or 'putting it on'. I needed to see and understand what happens to me.
We have lived in denial of our multiplicity for so long. It hasn't been a full on denial - I have been posting in this forum for years, after all - but there has been a denial nonetheless. I accepted the DID intellectually, but I didn't really 'get' that this was happening to me.

I get it now. And that drives me to work my butt off to do what I can to mend this broken person that is Me.

[Luce]

One thing that really surprised me about our switching was how very subtle much of it is. It fascinates me to watch it. Often there is just a momentary pause, and then for a fraction of a second it is like a shade falls down over the eyes. That's it. Very few people would notice it, but every time there was a switch, there it was.
For alters that are more removed from me the switching was more dramatic though. The head rolled back and the eyes rolled back as well... how embarrassing that that is what we look like sometimes! We have often said that we 'roll away' when amnestic alters take over... now we know what that actually looks like. It's pretty ugly really. : \

[TrailRunner14]

Luce. Nothing about you would seem ugly to me. It is what it is. Right?

I want to entertain your example but a part of me is not in agreement. In time maybe.

Thank you for what you shared. You are brave and I am not. Not just yet.

[Luce]

Very wise you are, TR.

[elevatedsoul]

I've only seen video of myself one time in my life, what an idiot i was on video..
pictures suck too but aren't as bad, i just don't take pictures, videos, sounds - omg i hate hearing a recording of my voice, its horrid, let me hide in a box ..

dork -.-

[TrailRunner14]

Well. There was a very real moment tonight with my counselor. Got there and walked in, things felt and seemed off and weird. I asked him if anything was different. Did he change anything. The space that I remembered being in just felt off. Different. We talked and finally zeroed in on his chair that he was sitting in. It didn't seem right. I was looking at it but it was not right. Can't explain.

He thinks for a minute and asked me if the chair that I thought I was remembering was bigger and darker. Yes. Yes it was. He said that he changed chairs out about a year ago and showed me a picture of the chair that he had earlier. That was it!! That's what felt off.

Not sure what to make of that...... I want to see if he keeps a record/journal/notes about what we talk about each session and see what we talked about around that time last year. Curious if that's possible.

We talked about ANP and EP parts. He understands and actually sees it that way!!

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Well. There was a very real moment tonight with my counselor. Got there and walked in, things felt and seemed off and weird. I asked him if anything was different. Did he change anything. The space that I remembered being in just felt off. Different. We talked and finally zeroed in on his chair that he was sitting in. It didn't seem right. I was looking at it but it was not right. Can't explain.

He thinks for a minute and asked me if the chair that I thought I was remembering was bigger and darker. Yes. Yes it was. He said that he changed chairs out about a year ago and showed me a picture of the chair that he had earlier. That was it!! That's what felt off.

Not sure what to make of that...... I want to see if he keeps a record/journal/notes about what we talk about each session and see what we talked about around that time last year. Curious if that's possible.

We talked about ANP and EP parts. He understands and actually sees it that way!!

I understand that "off" feeling too well. Many years ago (like 30) we almost opened that door but decided to keep it shut.....a lifetime of confusion, misery, and life threatening ensued. A couple years ago we opened that same door and stepped through.....now there is no going back as much as we want to...to a life of ignorant bliss. We now can see the divide within us.....and the stress of knowing haunts our every living moment. No matter how distraught it was....we miss bliss.

So off we go...forward march! Today, after a few years of controlling behvior and inner feuding....we have adopted a level of acceptance of tolerance for how we is and why. Of course we have those who still are in denial, others that are disgusted, some embarrassed, some that are torn apart, some that are quite factual and intrigued with the condition....

Being a soup bowl of adverse and contrary feelings, thoughts, ideas, beliefs....we do come across as bizarre of which most hate. Who wants to be weird? None of us does.

We don't have a guided journey though, so am grateful that you are making progress with your T.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I understand that "off" feeling too well. Many years ago (like 30) we almost opened that door but decided to keep it shut.....a lifetime of confusion, misery, and life threatening ensued. A couple years ago we opened that same door and stepped through.....now there is no going back as much as we want to...to a life of ignorant bliss. We now can see the divide within us.....and the stress of knowing haunts our every living moment. No matter how distraught it was....we miss bliss.


So off we go...forward march! Today, after a few years of controlling behvior and inner feuding....we have adopted a level of acceptance of tolerance for how we is and why. Of course we have those who still are in denial, others that are disgusted, some embarrassed, some that are torn apart, some that are quite factual and intrigued with the condition....


Being a soup bowl of adverse and contrary feelings, thoughts, ideas, beliefs....we do come across as bizarre of which most hate. Who wants to be weird? None of us does.


We don't have a guided journey though, so am grateful that you are making progress with your T.

I really don't know right now. It is progress. With the progress comes more questions and more weirdness. Don't know what to make of it.

It will be ok. I believe that. He has a plan and a purpose for me.