[elevatedsoul]

do you guys systems have watchers, ever present all seeing eye

yes, we do- a few of them

Very yes. They keep us "connected".

[elevatedsoul]

i think i do...
do they talk?
its a weird feeling
kind of like the eye from lord of the rings...

[L.P.]

Kinda maybe? We got all these groups of us but we got a few who seem hip to more then the group they with or maybe they not with a group n just peekin in on us. They more like bridges for us then watchers. Once we get to knowin a bridge then we get to knowin about another group. My take on it anyhow from what i know bout how me n mine been rollin. We had some of us get spooked by them ones who come out of nowhere n be knowin all this info bout us. Creeps some of us right out. We had one lady n she say it was like findin out you got this weird group of folks livin up in your attic n creepin out stealin your food n usin your toilet while you sleepin n one day they all on your couch like yo what up. I know bout one bridge we got right now n she dont say much but she can talk. Mostly with that one its like she drop part of her in your head n pull part of you into her head? It aint comfy but im thinkin she just talk better without usin words n is tryin to get to know us better n let us know her better. Thats how i seein that one. Not all of us agree with me on this one.

~gwen~

[elevatedsoul]

well, i still feel silly about it... cause i dunno if i have D.I.D. or not... i mean, i dont even know if what is happening to me is dissociation or not! (my therapist says i dissociate alot)

but all the clues are pointing towards d.i.d.

its just really confusing and scary because i dunno what to expect..

I just feel like there is this part of me that is like the eye... a gate keeper? but i feel like the eye... or the eye is present always... watching, monitoring... working computations and figuring out how much i can handle... then it zooms in on particular triggers... or all triggers... or maybe there is more than one eye...

i dunno, it doesnt make sense i know...

i just keep sensing it...

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

well, i still feel silly about it... cause i dunno if i have D.I.D. or not... i mean, i dont even know if what is happening to me is dissociation or not! (my therapist says i dissociate alot)

but all the clues are pointing towards d.i.d.

its just really confusing and scary because i dunno what to expect..

I just feel like there is this part of me that is like the eye... a gate keeper? but i feel like the eye... or the eye is present always... watching, monitoring... working computations and figuring out how much i can handle... then it zooms in on particular triggers... or all triggers... or maybe there is more than one eye...

i dunno, it doesnt make sense i know...

i just keep sensing it...

You sound like me/us. Through being co-con.....we are always aware like the lights never go out....but whoever is present owns the conscious and every memory and experience stays with the one that was out which in a way feels like our memory banks are wiped clean while looking through a different set of eyes.

Loss time is not noticeable if one was to actually look at the details. Missing memories equates to time loss. Sometimes it feels like I'm not in control of the body because it behaves and does things that are so not me, like the way we sit, other body movement, noises and the hands doing things on it's own.

Like I can feel our sexual alter do body movements and her lusts feels our soul like right now. I'm more the intellectual one that reports but she took control of our body as to express my point. I just sound like a distant voice in our head dictatiting to a typing hand.

We are not really co-con with her, and it's freaky just thinking that another seperate conscious exists that has it's own agenda.

I hope this helps somewhat at least in letting you know that you are not alone. We've known this all our life but refused to acknowledge it of late. Now we are in full acceptance system wide. Non-acceptance produces fear, anxiety, stress, nervousness, and doubt. It took us a year since The Awakening to acceptance where we realize that this has always been the way it's been.

[Luce]

Ex T sent us lists of all the alters we had found out about in therapy and there were what you call watchers on there too. it looks like we have watchers of different groups. and then ones who watch over everything.
one of our old 'watchers' used to be in therapy a lot and knew a lot of stuff but she has gone now. she must still be here somewhere right? she has all the knowledge with her. there is lots we don't know anymore.

[elevatedsoul]

is there a way i can do something to acknowledge it?
like thanks for protecting me, watching over me and stuff
that way i wont be scared of it but maybe enjoy the company?
if that makes any sense?

[Luce]

I don't know what your watcher does but ours are not scary. Ours just keep note of everything kinda. Like they know the system. But they don't have feelings about any of it. Like some alters hold emotion, some hold physical sensations, and 'watchers' hold the knowledge. Our ones that know stuff like that are not scary at all.
What is scary about what you call watchers for you?

Our wise ones say ' go with what is' meaning forget a label or a name and just work with the reality of your own experience. That's what matters to you - not whether or not you fit a set of diagnostic criteria that someone else wrote in book. Their words can not invalidate your own truth.

You know...on Luces last sayings...I have Others. Some know more some know less. They all have a reason for being...a job to do.

Trying to figure out their "official label" is unnecessary and a mental stresser. In due time you will make the connections.

You are in therapy....trust the process.

[elevatedsoul]

thanks
im just scared of losing control, blacking out... dont want anyone to be upset with me... and hurt me... or cause any problems like before...

i've blacked out before and when i came back i was cursing a friend out and throwing things... it was scary...

and i felt so bad, like really bad... i still feel bad about it and my friend probably thinks im a lunatic...

dunno what happened, or why it happened... thought we were having a pleasant conversation but i guess something triggered me severely

im just scared of losing control like that and dont want to get hurt or have any problems... Or hurt anyone else

thought that maybe if i help this part of me then maybe it can help me, like helping me understand whats wrong or what it is im experiencing so that i can get rid of denial...

[Luce]

Oh hunny, good luck with getting rid of denial!!

[TrailRunner14]

Have you tried journaling? I have found direction and some understanding in unedited journaling. Unedited, meaning that I just write whatever comes to my mind. I thank that part of me for being there and doing what it has done for me. Then I welcome that part to "say" whatever it would like to be known. That may sound "out there" but I just go with it.

After I feel that "it's done" I go back and read what was written. It's validating to that part and also it has given me a direction to go.

The main thing, is to not limit or edit what comes. Don't even think about it. Just write what comes. That gives that part of you value and a voice to be heard.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Have you tried journaling? I have found direction and some understanding in unedited journaling. Unedited, meaning that I just write whatever comes to my mind. I thank that part of me for being there and doing what it has done for me. Then I welcome that part to "say" whatever it would like to be known. That may sound "out there" but I just go with it.

After I feel that "it's done" I go back and read what was written. It's validating to that part and also it has given me a direction to go.

The main thing, is to not limit or edit what comes. Don't even think about it. Just write what comes. That gives that part of you value and a voice to be heard.

I did journaling for a good while....and begin to notice that the words were popping in my head before written. We then gave up writing to mind talking. I hope that happens for you all...it's so much easier.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I did journaling for a good while....and begin to notice that the words were popping in my head before written. We then gave up writing to mind talking. I hope that happens for you all...it's so much easier.

That does happen for me too. The popping in my mind. It becomes too confusing for me to sort out and remember to make sense of.

I'm glad it works good for you that way. Hopefully I will get there too.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Watcher makes me think of Giles (buffy fan)
Idk about Watcher but some seem to know more other parts who what etc...some seems like aren't aware of any others or don't care maybe?? Idk.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Here's what I can say. Vicki kept records. As far I know she has integrated or something very close to...hmmm... the external records she kept were not very detailed...but I know she kept her own internal records as well. She was very proud of them. But, whatever was in them...I don't have that knowledge. Though I do have some? Alot? of her memories..now I'm wondering how much? She had a lot of knowledge and I don't realize I hold a lot of it until I need to know it...It's still kinda weird not so much like it's being forced thru me as before..but still surprising when I suddenly "know" things...but then it's almost like they were always there...but I don't retain a lot of it until I need it again...does that make any sense?? Idk. Then there's Harley. Who claims to know everything and everyone...I know she loves doing recon but that's as far as I know only regarding her specific job... and I don't really believe that she knows as much as she says she does. I think most of it is boosting or lies for show. Not speaking bad of her. It's just in her nature very connected to her primary function. I think??
I'm most curious actually about how much Hollywood actually knows. Her and I bounce back and forth between being oceans apart and as close as shimmering behind and in front of one another. Even when we are completely separate we still can vaguely sense each other's presence..not see or know just sense??..idk. I mean doing an awful job at explaining ! I've never been much of an explainer before..it's the bits,of Vicki and Holly intermingling that hold some influence but it's not very pleasant cuz I still am me too. And it's got me all turned about..torn..weird. Anyway I think Hollywood knows,a lot more than she lets on...though I may not entirely sure how aware she is consciously...I guess??? All I know is that it feels like she's distant, but different now... like she is regressed, childlike, and left me with her adult memories and feelings??? Idk...maybe she's just not coping well..I guess none of us really are presently....But HEY! If she left me with her adult memories and I have Vicki's random knowlwdge...Does that make me "Host" now?!...It's a bit bigger feeling than individual "prime".....wow! ~S. (Queen of Lost!) ....sorry the rambling I know..I'll shut my piehole now.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

YO! Scarlett! Can you say TMI?!! SOME of US DON'T WANT OUR BUSINESS BLABBED!and if I did??!! I'd do it my own damn self! Damn Girl!
¤ HVK (Queen Of Me!)

[elevatedsoul]

nah i get it, its like the musician thats locked inside of me... i cant explain music, but then at times i can produce not half bad stuff some how.. its relaxing, maybe letting go feels good

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Sorry for our outburst.
So much derailment lately. OY! VAY!

Everything seems to trigger, lately. Hoping for its just growing pains or something. Looking forward to some sort of "normalcy" to return.
Until then, please be patient with us. As we appear to be experiencing some technical difficulties. *sigh.