Would you guys help me out here.... I am in a rough spot - between and "rock and a hard spot".. as I call it..

Putting this post out here takes some courage for me... because DID... it is so complex.. and with DID.. above all I don't want to add pain for a fellow DID person...

yet.. I am in so much pain.. to breathe hurts...so I move forward and ask for your help... and please answer.. there are no wrong ones... not for me.. just rejection would hurt more..

So all of the above.. is to ask... have you ever tried to explain "yourselves" to anyone.. IRL or not IRL..and had them treat you like well... can't even say the word..

let's just say... I now have 4 heads...10 legs... 14 arms.. - it is what the person now "sees" that I explained "me" to...

In my heart of hearts, I know that this is not "my problem"... ... hurts me to the quick when this happens..

I don't take a chance on someone very often.. but once in a great great while I do... because I get tired of "keeping my guard" up all the time.. I get tired of being seen as a "liar" because my alters have differing viewpoints...

Recently, I was receiving a massage from a new massage T... while on the table.. I was very nervous...

so he asked me the different massage T names I have used in the past... and I couldn't come up with one name.. not one in the 20 some years I have used massage..... so he then used the word "supposedly" seen.. the next time he asked......like I was lying and had seen none..... I wanted to scream.. I don't KNOW... but hey give me a minute.. I will try to find the alter that can tell you..

So another question.. is DID lonely for you?? I mean I have friends.. but I feel like since I have no family other than my son...and I couldn't.. wouldn't tell him... he would probably run screaming for the hills... and yes I know this because when he accidently found out about my eating disorder.. well let's just say... for a very long time I had 4 heads... and I think I am down to 2 heads...but it has been 5 years..

lonely because you just can't share your secret of "DID"..

I mean on top of the "secrets" of the abuse in my past, I also carry the heavy secret of "DID"...and I feel isolated.. alone.. and yes.. that word "freakie" that I did not want to say before...

I pray.. that I have hurt no one else with my questions.. I just don't know who else to ask.. my T.. he doesn't have DID..

we do..

love to everyone...

[DocClyde]

(((Freewill)))

You're not rejected, you got me (God help you! LOL)...

[nothemama8]

sweetie you can't hurt anyone here cuz we all travel the same road, your questions do raise some thought, we have never really cared how others look at us, guess it's Marie's attitude speaking here cuz if ya don't like the package just keep walkin
you are cared about and understood

[bipolar_bear]

I have a friend that I tried to explain DID to and our relationship is not the same anymore. She is a very close friend and I thought it would be ok. Now, at times, I am very self conscious about where I am at when I am with her.

Other than my T that is my only experience. I find myself lonely at times too as there isn't anyone to share anything related to DID.

I hope you find someone that you can confide in should you want to.

BB

[kimmydawn]

I don't tell anyone in real life, no.

When I've even worked up to it I knew I was losing their understanding quickly.

When I've even worked up to it with children, the were very resistent. I'm mom and no one else. I'm not ill and I don't struggle too much. It scares them.

I wish it were easier.

I understand and I'm sorry you do.

Love,

KD

There is no reason to be sorry anymore... I just reached a point today.. where I am so worn out.. I just do not care about anything.. anymore...

[pegasus]

I'm worried about you freewill.

Only my T knows everything, and good friends here at PC who understand and know how it is.

We struggle.

Please don't struggle alone. (((((((((((( freewill )))))))))))))

[January]

((((((((((( freewill )))))))))))

I am not DD, so I know I can't truly understand the situation, but I do care and I want to make sure you know that.

Hugs,

Jan

hey. i'm sorry i haven't replied to your PM. i've been in a bit of a funny place... trying to get into work... posting a little... but trying to get into work mostly... and sometimes it is hard figuring out what to say. but i really did appreciate your message and your self-disclosure. i really hope... that you didn't feel like i rejected you by not responding. i really didn't mean for you to feel that way.

(((((freewill)))))) <- if safe

i know that some things can be hard to explain so that people can understand. part of it can be about them not making much sense to us. if we could explain them in a way that other people could understand then maybe we wouldn't need to explain it to them!

i really don't think... that other people with the same condition as us have any special privaledge with respect to understanding where one is coming from or with respect to understanding what is going on and the like. i mean... if we were able to organise our experience well enough to really explain or understand it then i really think that understanding would alter our experience such that we wouldn't need to explain or understand it. but i guess many people disagree with me, so it is perfectly fine if you do too.

i really do think... that nobody understands another person completely. nobody has exactly the same experiences. but other people have some elements of our experiences and there is a way of being able to intimately relate to everybody. other people understand what it is like to feel confused or afraid or in pain. other people understand what it is like to dissociate sometimes or to have experiences that seem 'other'. while they might not experience distress in response to those experiences i'm sure they understand what it is like to feel distressed. i guess i'm just not sure that people with the same dx have any privaledged understanding of the experiences of people with the same dx.

but all that being said... i really do hear that you are feeling disconnected right now. and that you are feeling like people aren't understanding. can you write poems or something to try and express how you feel?

of course.. I didn't feel rejected by anything like that... a PM...
it is really about life... as a DID person.. about the secrets that of course caused me to be DID.. and that was abuse in my case...secrets.. have been and always will be my life.

It is about the rejection from my own family when they were alive - for having depression... the whole dis-owning that went with not putting on the "right" face for them always.

And you are right.. we will agree to disagree...because we don't feel the same way about the subject...and since it is opinions.. I can't really debate anything...

but I would not have put this post out here.. if I didn't want to hear from everyone...and how they personally felt.

Sometimes, it is about always having to have the "correct" face out there for my adult son... and I think above all.. we kinda want our family.. to understand us, love us, and support us unconditionally.. especially.. if we have always done the that for them.. and done it with grace and with love and with a great deal of sacrafice on our part.....

My eating disorder... was "even" notice the quotes - not accepted by my friends... in their opinion.. there is no such thing as an eating disorder... these friends that are capable of designing complex computer systems.. cannot get on the web and reseach "eating disorder"... do you begin to see where there is a lack of support in my IRL??
And I just needed them to understand.. because.. I went on disability.. and they were really hard on me about that..
I finally said to my best friend: "get on the web and research it"... but denial is everything..

So long story short... my opinion.. is that DID is not like everyone elses moods... my alters are not moods.. they are separate and complete compartments...not fragments.. not ego states.. so no.. I cannot explain it to a non-DID person..

Because when I do.. they compare it to a "mood".. and it just isn't.. for me...

love to all...(fw)

I(we?) feel much the same way. The only people I have told are either those close to me, or those who have witnessed a switch in a time of crises when i couldn't control it and get away alone fast enough. And I have come up on some major distaste. People seem to equate DID with being totally crazy and psychotic, which simply is not true. I sure hope that the knowledge gets out there sooner rather than later so that people will begin to understand the real background to it.

[Chalkdust]

Hello Freewill -

Of course it doesn't help that the only DID people in general know is what they have seen on tv and in the movies. If they only knew that people with DID are very talented and can hold down major jobs and can handle life better than some singletons some times. And well of course there are the times we just need to hide...but who doesn't?

[splitimage]

I don't even try to talk about it with anyone other than my therapist and psychiatrist. Half the time I'm so confused myself I wouldn't know what to say.

--splitimage