[L.P.]

I keep writing. Keep deleting. I can't seem to make my thoughts stick in a coherent way. I'm all over the place tonight. It's like I'm trying to toss a fishing line into this stream of thoughts and trying to pull one out but the thought current keeps pulling it back... competing thoughts. They all want on the line.
Just writing... I might try using this for a journal if that's alright.

Can't sleep. I was tired... I think. More like lethargic. No sleep though. Got up and felt three feet tall. Like someone or something condensed me down but kept my mass the same. Dense like. At least the room looks normal. I think I've smoked way too many cigarettes in a short amount of time but I want another one.

I want to figure out whats up with the thought stream. The memories are not bad memories... not like flashbacks. They are mostly about people I knew years ago. Friend type people. They're just to broken up to make sense of... the memories I mean. Just when I get to following one of them and having that oh yeah I remember that moment the thing is gone again and a new one starts up.

I should probably go to bed. I deleted more. I can't seem to make this sticking with a thought thing work now... staring at the ceiling here I come...

-Mostly Veda typing this. I think. Dont hold me to that though-

[Luce]

Yeah, it's all right.

Originally Posted by L.P.

I keep writing. Keep deleting. I can't seem to make my thoughts stick in a coherent way. I'm all over the place tonight. It's like I'm trying to toss a fishing line into this stream of thoughts and trying to pull one out but the thought current keeps pulling it back... competing thoughts. They all want on the line.
Just writing... I might try using this for a journal if that's alright.

Can't sleep. I was tired... I think. More like lethargic. No sleep though. Got up and felt three feet tall. Like someone or something condensed me down but kept my mass the same. Dense like. At least the room looks normal. I think I've smoked way too many cigarettes in a short amount of time but I want another one.

I want to figure out whats up with the thought stream. The memories are not bad memories... not like flashbacks. They are mostly about people I knew years ago. Friend type people. They're just to broken up to make sense of... the memories I mean. Just when I get to following one of them and having that oh yeah I remember that moment the thing is gone again and a new one starts up.

I should probably go to bed. I deleted more. I can't seem to make this sticking with a thought thing work now... staring at the ceiling here I come...

-Mostly Veda typing this. I think. Dont hold me to that though-

Sometimes when I write something and then look back at it, the words seems hollow and foreign with no connection to the thought or idea being expressed. Delete.

I don't like writing when I'm tired...nothing gets posted then.

[L.P.]

Almost flipped out in a barber shop a lil bit ago. I hate people touching my head. It sets me off in not so great ways. Had issues going into it. Figured a barber shop would be better since it's generally guys working in those places and the idea of some female I don't know touching my head and trying to chat me up and style my hair... no. Just no. Figured barber shop would be better since it would be quieter than some family type place. Can't handle sensory overload on top of the childhood issue crap. Seemed like a good plan. Hell, maybe it was a good plan. I still fell apart, started shutting down. Not sure how I got in the parking lot, but I walked out of the place. On the plus side, I did not have a full blown outburst in there. Could have been worse. I also did not put my head through a wall or attack anyone, so that's a bonus. I guess.

I hate it that my life is a series of events followed by me going, hey, at least no one got hurt. This is my positive outlook... no one getting hurt. Gr.

I hate that I can't do basic people things because of crap people did to me when I was a kid. I hate that this crap lives on and on and plays out in ways that make me wonder why I leave my couch because things are great until I leave the couch. I hate that I'm dumb enough to leave the couch in the first place because I think for some idiotic reason that I can try and succeed at doing basic people crap when I am so far from human it's ridiculous. I don't know what I am but it's not people. I hate that a haircut I did not get sets off the screaming in my head and knocks me half back in time... not far enough to lose touch with reality, but just enough to know I am here and I am seriously jacked and so far from the human race that it will take the light from screwed up ten billion years to reach me.

When I tried to go hide and decompress, pull some coping tips and tricks out of my mental goodie bag, the internal screaming just got louder and louder. That negative chatter got louder and louder... that self hate snowball got bigger and bigger. I don't want to ride this out. I want to tranq myself out. I have no tranquilizers. I have no choice but to ride it out. What we want and what we get... right... gr.

Haircuts. This is what happens when I try to get a haircut. Note to self... do not try to be a thing that maintains hair. You suck at maintaining hair. That was overreaching. Bad Veda. No hair. FML. Hoped writing would help. Soo not helping. Try something else, kiddo...

[Luce]

I hear ya, Veda. We hate haircuts too for the same reason. We bought haircutting scissors and often do it ourselves... or at least tidy it up, since we are in a professional job and have to look halfway decent. But it gets out of control.
You know you are right it isn't fair. But you are human.You are every bit as human as every one else on this planet, even those who don't feel like it at all. This is what happens to normal human beings when they experience that crap when they are just trying to grow up.
Do yoou know that in the first six years of life little human beings are learning 'how to human'? When you get neglect and abandonment and abuse after abuse stuff in there in really mucks up the 'how to human' planning stages. You are totally human dude. its just that someone gave you really wonky plans for how to do it. : \

re the haircut thing... I am glad no one got hurt, including you.

[L.P.]

I'm just gonna flip out here for a second. Probably triggery. I just need to write. I need to do something with this. Something that won't vanish on me in two days.

It makes me nuts when I can't finish a thought, an idea... I was going to write some stuff because my head was flooded with these words and I grab a pen and it stops. Hitting glass walls in my head, I guess and there they go. Bye bye thoughts. Someone not ready to say them yet? Be heard yet? I dunno. Ugh. At least I can hear my own thoughts better now. I dunno.

I was thinking that here would be a good idea, this post thing I started and never did manage to use. And I'm seeing here that I was stressing past friend people when I started this and I'm trying to remember that night and it seems not real and I wouldn't believe it happened if I wasn't looking at the words and watch, in a month I'll read this like I didn't write it, but I did and I'll know it and it'll creep me out for a moment before that slips away like all the other ones. Holy emo, Batman, shut up. There's a point to this. Stay on point.

NiKKi had her moment of understanding come and knock her off her feet and I've been having mine as well, but damn if I didn't remember that back in January was when I started getting hit with this stuff. I didn't put that together until now. But it's before that to. One of these people that were there that afternoon has been trying to take up perma residence in my head for awhile now and I was thinking maybe it's an autism thing or OCD thing or some unrelated thing because I do that sometimes, you know, get all hung up on somebody for some reason. But I frickin get it. Ole boy was the only one who didn't pull crap on me in the middle of that mess outside that school. Derp de derp derp derrrr. I'm an idiot. Wow. Okay. I mean there's more to it, but whatever. Not getting into all that right now.

Anyway so I was looking out my window and thinking I should walk up to the corner store and get some root beer. I try to be good about little rewards when stuff is hitting the fan and we actually manage to not go off the hook or anything so yeah, root beer, it's good, so I did that. I almost started crying at one point and that was weird. I'm not comfortable crying and it freaks me out when I do that... like why are my eyes leaking? I need a doctor! Agh! And I don't know how to do sad or if sad is even what I'm feeling when I do cry. I don't understand sad. I don't understand a lot of emotions or if I feel them at all. But I do feel. I know it. I just don't want to admit it, I think. Yeah.

I know part of what I need to do in dealing with this new stuff is understand that these things that happened made me feel. I almost laughed out loud on my walk to or from the store about that. Hell, maybe I did laugh out loud. I dunno. But it seemed so funny to me that this group of us, this largely emotionally numb mess of people who have really only ever dealt with fixing problems and then leaving would be faced with tackling the problem of dealing with the emotional aspects of anything. Who thought that was a good idea? Seriously, who put us in charge anyway... we should have only been a temporary fix. Someone's plan fell to pieces, I think. Or maybe not. No one told me so I dunno. I'm just here. And now I'm here and faced with tackling an emotion mess. How do you do that? Feel things and know what you are feeling? How do you not go on stop it mode? I'm not supposed to feel. I'm not supposed to let people get to me. I'm not supposed to let people hurt me, I do that to myself, thank you very much. Damn people thwarting my attempts at keeping my crown and being the reigning ice queen elizab**ch. Ohhhhh... thwarty thwarty people. Oh but thwarty thwarty me. Or maybe liar liar me. Or hypocritical hypocritical me.

Just because I made myself look like an untouchable ice queen, it doesn't mean that's what I was on the inside. That makes me really uncomfortable to say. Oh I don't like that. I gotta get used to this. I'm not used to this. Somebody threw me off the boat with no floaty thing when I was a kid before I knew how to swim... one of those she'll how to swim that way, moments. And I did swim. I really feel like that right now. I got no floaty. I don't know whats in this emotion water, what's under me, how deep it is, the lack of control is twitching the stuff right out of me. Uncomfortable. And then it goes, no it doesn't. Crap.

And I don't trust anyone in my life to say any of this to. How messed up is that? I have been married to this guy... my body anyway... he's Charlotte's man, but Charlotte doesn't come around much anymore so here I am married to this guy. God I'm crazy. Okay. Um. So he's been here for years and he acts like I'm the same as the ones before me and bless his heart he's a champ about this and a sport because it's gotta suck to not know if your wife is going to be some kid or dude or me whatever the hell I am when he walks in the door. He can't even say for sure if he'll find his wife hiding, home, gone wherever who knows, crying or having dinner ready for him with a smile and a how was your day honey? Why does he put up with this? He must be crazy. Well, that and he's not really here much anyhow. He works, goes to school, he's gone before I get up and he doesn't get home until 10 or something so it's just me here all day alone now.... whoever I happen to be at any given frickin moment. Ugh. Stay on topic.

I don't know if I don't trust him or if I don't want to bore or bother him. I don't think he cares to hear what I have to say anyhow. It's not like it's his problem either. He's got his own stuff going on. I'd go try to get back with the last therapist we had but I know more than half of us would not go even if we had an appointment and since I can't just go and say yeah, I'll be the one here that day during that time so I can walk there and then walk home... I can't do that. I can't control when I am or am not here. It's really inconvenient sometimes. But I don't think I have the skill set to navigate this emotion mess on my own. I don't know if any of us here now have it in us to navigate this stuff on their own so they can help the rest of us clueless monkeys. Oook ook. Gah. I dunno what to do. I need a plan. I need an adult. It sucks that I am the adult here. Again, who thought this was a good idea? I really don't get the joke, people.

Okay. Temper tantrum aside and hopefully done for now... I know we can do this. I'm just freakin out that I have to. I'm freaking out more that I am actually going to do this. That I have been doing this. I need to own my crap and stop lying to myself and other people that don't feel. I feel in a backwards, messed up way, but I do feel. I don't like that. How do the underpants gnomes thingie go? Phase one? Yeah. Phase 1 Admit you have feelings. Phase 2 ? Phase 3 Be better than you were before. There. I got a plan. Good adulting, me. Go drink that root beer.

-Veda

[L.P.]

It occurred to me as I was complaining to myself how all of our old notebooks got thrown away... I was looking without success for one old notebook, for something... I thought we had an old pinkish folder still left... I was wrong...

Anyway, it occurred to me that it would be really annoying and unproductive if the time line I have been working on got thrown out or vanished or ended up wherever it is our writing stuffs go. I can't seem to keep all of the time line info in my head, so if I lose the time line there is a good chance I will lose all the things that ole girl told me and all of the things that I remembered as a result.

That said... I am putting that stuff here in hopes it will not go kaput bye bye on me and that if it is here, not only I, but others in my system will have access to that stuff should they want or need it. Not sure if anyone is reading this, but if you are, this stuff may or may not be triggery...

Not so linear time line from Aug of 92 through Sept of 94... here's what I got...
-from aug to oct of 92
- i had the incident in the cemetery on a friday and the blow out with T tried to assault me and i got away by kicking the guy in the head. following monday JT got in my face and told me how no one could assault me like that since i was just a lil so n so. hat was when i slapped the piss out of JT. SS was the only person at my school during that time who did not give me crap for that T stuff. DtheS was the only one in the cemetery who seemed to care. Thanks DtheS, you was the bomb man.
- i was homeless at least five different times.. thrown out before my parents would threaten police intervention unless i came home. in that there was the time i blew up on my drama teacher over how knowing where i was sleeping that night taking priority over her stupid assignment. there was also the flip out episode at X's house when her dad was nice to me and how they all ate food there and talked to each other and whatnot. (side note that freak out at X's house was the time i dated DD for that week or whatever)
- i had a bout of pretty severe si and refused to participate in gym class over injuries... blew up on gym teacher once and then later got the boot for refusing to participate. SS was in that class with me and got the boot the same day as me for the same reason, i think. He used to have his own visible scares i busted him on once.
- this was the same time frame i had the overdose stuff happen to me
- two of my friends ended up in the psych hospital for sui attempts. that happened to each of them in one week, and that was the week before P (SS's best friend) pulled his sui attempt and SS fell apart all over me and i reacted poorly.
- oh i switched schools (went into 10th grade, previous school went up through 9th) and was overwhelmed by the size of the place and kept having shutdown episodes due to sensory overload that no one believed was happening to me... i got screamed at a lot over inability to function due to that crap.
- this pastor guy performed an exorcism on me during that time since my mother went on this whole jeebus told me to discipline you kick. she was not a nice person during those months, what with the you're a sinner and gonna burn in hell you slu* talk. god apparently told her i needed to hear that and to be randomly pulled out of bed a few times a week by my hair since i was such a horrible sinful bound for hell kinda kid. the pastor also threw out and destroyed a lot of my belongings during that exorcism since they were the devil making me do things or something.

Dec 92 and Jan 93...
- i flipped out and decided to leave state and run away. managed to get my one friend (LS) and her dude (Gdude) to agree to go (she had a car), so i lived in a car with them for at least a month before we got arrested.
-spent some time in a juvenile before my dad came to get me and drive me back to the state/the house.
- parents put me in a run away shelter again before shipping me off to the psych hospital.
- two of my friends left the school i went to before leaving state. Ggirland LS. I had known LS since we were five. Ggirl was my only good, as in well behaved not strung out on drugs friends, that i interacted with outside school. Her mom threw her out and she moved in with her boyfriend.
- When got back to school, i pissed off a lot of people by running away. Some of them stole a lot of my stuff since it got shipped back with LS, so a few of them took it as a free for all. That was a bummer since the pastor threw out most of my stuff before and i took what little i had left with me that mattered and my friends stole it from me.
-SS was so pissed at me for leaving him he refused to even look at me when i got home. That sucked because he was the only person at my school who was ever nice to me and he was the only decent human i knew back then.
- i blew up on a history teacher who told me and D we were worthless and would end up in the homeless shelter eating from soup kitchens.
- i got put on probation from my friends as a result of the run away thing and then my mom pulled me from school. i spent the next few months in my bedroom at my parents house. i dont know if i talked to anyone during that time or not, but i think i must have...
- oh and jan was the new years eve i spent with SW and we came to the next morning not knowing what happened to us, where we went, who we were with, we had nothing... whole night gone.


And now i need to make nachos... my stomach is talking to me...

-V

[L.P.]

Okay... nachos done. They didn't seem to have much flavor. Dunno whats up with that... I used seasoning and the salsa wasn't mild. *shrugs* At least I managed to force down a plate full of them. Seriously food, I have a bone to pick with you sometimes... anyway... time line stuff...

what did i neglect to put in there from the end of 92... more 92 stuff from aug to dec...
- J. my aunt J. i forgot how much she was around. she had the house in my city. i went to visit her a lot and talked to her a lot.
- IB lived in the house on the president street and the cops took me home from there one night and the cop ran the stop sign and almost smacked the stuff out of that car... cop was going something stupid like 50 in a residential.
- I spent a lot of time at IB's house on the pres street... mistaM had the issue with the dog LD and i had the trash bag wedding. IB was one of the people i could sometimes see then other times my mom sent cops after me for seeing even after she said i could go there.
- it was 92 when i got introduced to that guy next town over who sold me the dirt cheap large amounts of pot. i sold stuff that 1st semester of school so i could eat, get school supplies, buy smokes, and have free pot... along with cloths, shoes, a coat, shampoo... everything. My mom told my dad she gave me 100$ for school stuff and i blew it on drugs, but she never gave me any money... dad believed her.
- it was 92 when i did that stuff to my arms and painted the hallway. No one put me in the psych hospital for that one though, that was also when i pulled the g** on my dad and no one ever said anything to me or anyone about that... i think.
- that was also when C talked to me about ghosts since i was still trippin over my grandpa dying in the formal living room. he stayed with us during the end and hospice was there and all. but he died back when i was in jr high but was still messed up about that whole thing. he was one of the few nice fam members we had and he was in a lot of pain or out of it the whole time he was in that living room. i was seeing things i thought were ghosts during that time.
- oh and early fall of 92 was when i got in the fight with that girl outside the store. i had to get pulled off her. it was pretty bad what i did to that girl. one second i was on her and the next i was in P's car... took five guys to yank me off that girl. all over some nasty words she said to me... same stuff JT, my mom, A, and all them would say to me. Huh. did not think that talk set me off... guess it did.

I think that's it for the 92 stuff. Ok... 93 stuff.

feb - may 93
- i got the yank boot combo from school in jan or feb.. i dunno... but was on probation from everyone i spent time with and not in school so i spent those months mosty in my room alone. i think. i know i saw IB, A(ex husband), SW, maybe SR, and some talk with g girl but she had stuff going down with her house/life so i didnt see or talk to her much if i did or was allowed to. dunno. C was still around sometimes and so was M at the beginning.
- IB told me he was HIV positive and i flipped, got drunk, and pierced my own nose (to this day still have that piercing i gave myself that night).
- D had an aids scare during that time to i think. he had one, but not sure when. was freaky because both me and SW dated him. i think SW was still dating him during that time. he ended up testing negative though and then neg again later but it was freaky for a bit.
- C and i flipped out on M when she was saying all that awful stuff about us and we told her to go to hell. M and i had been friends for years and close so that messed me up.
- aunt J got thrown down a flight of stairs by that guy and her teeth got knocked out. she came to live with us during that time until she and my mom got into it over church/jeebus and my mom tried to beat her senseless and then threw her out. J and i were closer during that time living in that house together. Neither of us reacted well to what happened to her. she had to go live in that apt building IB had lived and she had to do some stuff to be able to pay rent.
- i flipped out and got put in a psych hospital somewhere in those months, that was the second time i went to that particular psych hospital.
- IB moved out of that apt. building and vanished for awhile and no one knew where he went. LD was living with him in that time and she ended up leaving the city after IB vanished and had to move kinda far away.
- found out during that time that C was going to move to texas.
- i ended up doing some stuff i regretted with A (the ex husband)
- A got all jeebus-y on me and threw me across a room one day in the name of the lord for being a slu* who needed to submit and be corrected.he was real inconsistent during those months, sometimes being cool and level headed other times taking his issues out on me.
- during winter was when g girl had that party and i got pulled in the bathroom with her dude and her brother tried to get up on me when i was passed out. g girl blew up on me that night. or was it after she had babikinz. crap. i dunno.
- oh yeah and my paternal grandparents offered to let me live with them in a different town but told me i would have to follow rules and it bothered me they would even say that to me. i was also annoyed they never tried to get me out of there until i was 15... like too little too late, folks, thanks anyhow.

summer 93 so thats june- aug
- probation officer suggested summer school and the outpatient rehab thing which was stupid because i wasn't really doing anything for a few months there but she said it reflected good on me so when i left the house at 17 and 6 mo it would be easier for her to back me. the only reason she did not put me in foster care then was because of some issues the town was having with foster parents then. some scandal thing with a few houses getting shut down over serious charges. summer school was credit recovery and looking good on my stuff. my probation officer thought my parents were insane.
- aunt j showed up on my b day to give me her car to use before she went into jail and she and my mom got into another fist fight but this time in my bed. thats how i woke up on my 16th birthday. my mom didnt let me get a license because she thought if i could get a job i would run away again.
- summer school SS was there and he talked to me so that was good, but my inability to try to be friends with him was disturbing to me.
- C moved to texas and she was my best friend during those times i think. i said that to E at the jeebus school the next fall, how C was my best friend so she had to have been during the summer. i think. whatever. i was not happy she moved. the only person i had left to talk to was A's crazy self
- i found out i had to go to the jeebus school in the fall. i was not a happy camper.

sept - dec 93
-IB showed back up in town living with his boo thang.
- I dated TO and had a preg scare that made A go ballistic on me.
- S vanished due to pregnancy
- J went to prison for shooting that guy.
- I went to juvenile after going to get LD from her dad's house after he beat her senseless. A drove me and aunt J was going to hide LD for us until she could get it figured out. i was on probation from LD and my mom had me locked up over trying to help the girl...
- i got a license because my mom wouldnt get up in the morning to take me to school but still every time i had an interview lined up she threatened me with police if i left the house even when she said i could go apply for work. my probation officer got real pissed. i ended up in the runaway shelter again for awhile one time i managed to get a job and got hired... mom put me there so id get fired for not showing up to work.
- new years 93/94 i ended up with JT before he dropped me off with IB and his boo thang. i was going to run away to the capital with them, boo thang said his dad owned a place and would hire me and pay me under the table. cops found me the day we planned on leaving and i ended up in juvenile again. IB and boo thang moved and never did come back to town. last i saw them.

i got nothing for jan, feb, or march, but april 94 was when i got thrown out and parents said only place i could go was A's house. i left, got a job, and finished 11th grade at the jeebus school. A's house was bad... he was abusive and i ended up getting pregnant, tried to run away to texas with C.. A found out, that ended horribly for me, i ended up losing the baby, had the blow out with LD and all that. Oh and LD was dating a guy before that (J) and they were in my car and he punched her in the head and i lost it on him. i was living with A then because i could see LD w/o stressing being locked up for it.

Otay... think that's what I have so far... too many pieces of paper to flip through... but i think i got it.

-V

[Luce]

Gosh, you have had a very eventful life! If i think back over those years in my own life I kinda know where I was living and working, but I guess nothing memorable happened.

[L.P.]

Originally Posted by Luce

Gosh, you have had a very eventful life! If i think back over those years in my own life I kinda know where I was living and working, but I guess nothing memorable happened.

We wasnt thinkin it was all eventful in them years until one lady we know start sayin how all this stuff happpen. I like that one lady shes a lady who was our friend when we was a teen. She real nice n she a safe person to talk to if. Somebody was talkin to that lady and that lady she say oh honey, no lots happen to you back then. What when she started talkinn it was oh yeah. that did happen. i remember that. i didnt know them two years was so busy. here i was thinkin we was mostly grounded them times and in a room. Some of that remember scares me cuz of what happen. Im more scared tho cuz we really was thinkin we was rememberin them years as good as we could n now we knowin we didnt remember nothin bout what was real for real goin on.

NiKKi