Typical public meeting fiasco

Went to an AA meeting tonight....and being a lot of strangers there....our anxiety and fear sky rocketed like usual....so we didn't say a word so not to be noticed.

And once again we were switching so hard that like usual the meeting was spliced and diced that it made no sense. Time flew not remembering the beginning of a sentence or how it ended.

DR kept making it not feel real which then triggered DP as I sat in the back of my head watching.

Right now I know that we was there....but can't picture it let alone describe anything.

We just can't stop....we'll eventually stitch something together when we keep going back.

People freak me out, especially if they are looking or listening. When we speak...it's just a collage that barely makes sense to me let alone them...its a very embarrassing moment so much that our anxiety spikes even more to panic attacks. Sometimes I have no idea what was said earlier by us for a topic in the same sentence or mid talk. Even just thinking of saying 'hi' causes adverse body reactions.

It's so hard to do grounding when one is spinning on a merry go round or top.

This is night 3 without alcohol...so we need an evening distraction with sober people which is AA at least.

(((AC))). Your reaction to public encounters sounds much like mine.

I've never been really able to put it into words, but yours totally fit. I know what are saying and so totally understand. It's disturbing and bewildering. The pieces come back after the fact and trying to piece them together is so stressful.

I agree with you though. I believe it will get better as you keep going. Be courageous. I'm saying that to you and to me.

New things and new places have that affect on me. When you mix in a bunch of people that you don't really know, just yet, it's pretty triggering.

I'm going to a new place Monday that is going to be hard for me. Im also trying to talk myself into joining an ALANON group in an area a short distance to me. I'm thinking that I may have the same reaction you are describing. I want to go, but the fear of dissociating in a group of people really scares me.

Maybe we could do this together?

That is what therapy is like for us. We try and piece it together by typing whatever is remembered into a word document. We then go back and different ones read it and add the bits they remember so we get a fuller picture of what went on.
We are doing the same thing for the assessment we had this week. We have added more bits to it today, but there is still a lot missing. We were there for two hours... from what is written we've captured maybe half an hour of it. We open the document, reread, and type whatever we can remember.
But that would seem like far too much effort for an AA meeting...

That's a great idea. The word document. My journal is what I use for that now, but it's confusing sometimes to try and keep up with it, to add to places.

Thanks y'all....like I have said in the past.....I gotta have straight unstimulated routine to maintain. I can't see there being any piecing together....like I hear 3 words with no context then out of it again...

I need a smaller group for sure...and pretend to be part of....maybe share my burden....

I would be writing all the time and doing nothing...then I'd be writing what I'm writing so that I won't forget that which I am writing.

Such an effort I can do without. I'd rather be bouncing off the walls of life going where ever time takes us...that's our normal.

As soon as I hit post....this topic will disappear in our mind...and maybe not be so embarrassed because we wrote it if we read it again. More than one of us post and read on here...

The last time we named ourselves it freaked people out because we are so many....and called fakers.

I wish I was faking....that way I can not spend the effort of posting on here for 2 years and move on to something more fun then this crap.

That sounds very similar to how 12 step meetings were for me for a long time.

Arriving early so I would have time for everyone inside to adjust and calm down really helped.Allowing time to know the place,where exits were,where the bathroom was,where literature was kept,etc.helped to feel safer and eased some anxiety.Plus,arriving early meant I got to find a seat I thought would make me the most comfortable,usually in the back corner so there was nobody behind me and I could see the entire room and getting there early I didn't have to walk into a room that was already full of people that would be watching me.I stayed a little late too,leaving after everyone else did instead of running out the door as soon as it was over like I did at first,it helped build my tolerance for being there or something because I 'could' have ran out the door but by staying I was showing myself(selves) it was ok to be there.

It was really hard to share though and when it would be my turn I would panic or dissociate at first.One night when it was my turn I just said "I struggle with severe anxiety and I am so nervous right now and I might have a panic attack,but I'm going to try my best to talk anyway".Everyone understands anxiety,so if I did say or do anything out of the ordinary it would just be assumed it was from that.Just saying what I did really helped,instead of really worrying about what I would say or do and how I would look to others,what they would think of me,saying I struggle with severe anxiety took away the anxiety over it.

Another thing I did was take a small comfort object with me,something small enough to keep in my hand or my pocket and I would touch or rub it as much as I could.Nobody even noticed what I was doing.

Things did get easier the more I went.Keep going,it will get easier for you too.Maybe you should try to find things you can do to that will make you feel more safe and calm.

Are you saying that here,on PC,you were called fakers?Nobody has the right to make that accusation about anyone.I'm sorry that happened to you.

Before it was routine but now not much so. Always got the back seat or if at the table...furthest away from the moderator. I find it hard to reveal what's in my head....but maybe it's time for some honesty.......dunno.

I don't care for sympathy or pity....just understanding and acceptance. Maybe I can be a voice from the mentally impaired? I've never been a voice for anybody including ourselves.

Such a catch 22...to become more less shy it takes alcohol. So to go to meetings and be bold I need to drink? Wha? Lol

I don't care for sympathy or pity either,as a matter of fact I despise it.I didn't tell that I have severe anxiety so people would feel sorry for me or anything,it was for my own benefit.Number one,it was true and I got real tired of having so much anxiety from worrying about having anxiety there,got tired of worrying how I would seem to other people.Saying it just got it out in the open and over with and made it one less thing to worry about.People were very understanding and accepting of it and didn't look at me like I had 2 heads just because my entire body would be shaking when I talked.I know they wouldn't have reacted that way if I had announced that I was DID though,and no way would I have ever done that.

Every person at those meetings is there because they have some kind of issue,some kind of problems,whether they're court ordered to go or because they chose to go.They're all dysfunctional in one way or another and after I finally realized that I wasn't so hard on myself anymore.I also realized they were all so caught up in their own crap they weren't focusing on me and what I was or wasn't doing anyway.

I think drinking makes everyone more outgoing and makes it easier to be social,it's hard to learn how to do that without it.Wish I could say I have figured it all out but I'm still working on it.

At least the attendance will get you to the next steps. Keep trying that will change.

This weekend was a relapse weekend due to extremities beyond my control (kid in jail thing).

Going to try a later, smaller group tonight.

Just thought about the terms "comfort level". This smaller group Ive been to before, so it might be a level of comfort that will resume. Familiar surroundings, people, etc.. its just so late at night....oh well...gotta do what you got to do. I hope the guys don't mind.

Thank you guys for what you have posted here. I've considered an ALANON group but I've had the same fears and anxiousness. I did find a group that was kind of close, but the fear of dissociating or having a flashback in a group of people I don't know has been too overwhelming. Your posts are encouraging to me.

90 meetings 90 days. I go and just sit....make it routine....small group....and just listen.

As the comfort level increases....Soon I can open up little by little. We've done this before....but it's like a new thing now that we are aware of what's really happening.

I often like ask someone.."what did I just say? Did it make sense?" Lol

I have my mortified moments, oh shits...and "I cant believe we said that! UUUUGGGHHH"

But...I don't let that stop me from returning. After all, everyone else is consumed with their own thing.

Actually....this is going to be quite the social experiment!

We did a night group and it was a little better...still people there. We sat and watched and didn't say a word. Still was anxious...and any thought of saying something caused swells of anxiety....so we settled on staying quiet- this helped slow the switching down.

We are planning on doing this again tonight....every night from here on.

One of our issues is that once the ice is broken....we just can't shut up...everyone has got to say something. Lol.

I know what you mean about "we just can't shut up" because I have a part of me like that. Once it comes out and starts talking, it's like I'm witness to a train wreck coming. There is no stopping it and it likes to tell everything.

I'm good too if I just sit quietly and listen, when I'm in a group of any kind.