questions: dissociative disorders version #2

I only bought something once- I got myself to and from the grocery store w/o my glasses (my vision is BAD) and The next morning I saw that I'd bought canned salmon, smoked salmon, a jar of wine pickled herring, a jar of curry pickled herring, and sardines. Actually it came to quite a lot of $. I returned it all except the smoked salmon.

I guess the other was a cat or something

What is your favorite painting or piece of art?

What helps you to stand strong for yourself? What helps you not to be sucked into the drama and be strong for you?

plain tickets to greace

none of us know who purchased them, we never knew then, and we still don't know

but it was money we didn't have, and well.. it wasn't good for our financial state at all

not to mention the worry it caused me

plain tickets to greace?

how am I going to get to greace. I can't even go outside

and the packing, and the hotels, and the atractions.. I don't know anything about greace

it was scary

I think for me it's like.. well if I don't, who will?

I don't have family.

I don't have friends that support me

I don't have all that stuff

so like simba says in the lion king, if I don't fight for my kingdom, who will?

I'll also add that the lion king has helped me so much.

many people just see it as an animated movie about lions

I see it as, if you watch it right and take note of the sceens and the messages, it's a movie of strength

with that in mind,

what movie/ tv series is an inspiration to you?, and why?

Tv series- Adventure Time. I like how everyone is accepted for who they are, no matter how strange they might seem- everyone else just makes space for them

Do you like pie or cake better? And what flavor?

Never did care too much for cakes. Pie would probably be a better option, preferably blue berry since it reminds us of indulging during the holidays.

What's it like to give something your absolute all and in the end, you walk away with almost nothing?

it makes us feel really worthless.

like: well we did this, we did that, what more can we do?

then we realise that actually we can't do anything more to help the situation and it just feels so deflating in the end knowing that we've failed.

question: before your diagnoses of DID, did you know anything about the condition?

Only the crazy stuff I heard about MPD in the media. I told myself as I began researching dissociation that no way I'm DID, no flipping way. As far as knowledge of my system I had memories of obvious switching and even knew the names of some of my parts and their roles, but I told myself these were just creative products of my strange imagination. And my having conversations with myself was just me being quirky. And I could go on. Champion denial, there.

Do you keep a journal? Does it help?

I keep a journal and YES it does help me!

I had not kept one before I started working through this stuff. It's my point of sanity.

When there are too many things going on in my mind, I grab it and just start writing. When there is a part of me that is wanting to be heard I write what wants that part wants to say.

I don't believe I could walk through this without it.

If you don't journal, what do you do with everything going on in your head? Maybe it's just me, but it overwhelms me if I can't put it somewhere or give a part of me a place to be heard.

We tried pretty hard to keep a journal, both digital and on paper and it just didn't seem to work out for us. Every now and then we'll leave a note to the host though. It seems to work for him.

Do you ever like to indulge and your group knows it's a bad idea but have someone who just always wants to push it?

Oh yeah, it's a constant struggle. Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's another. Most of us have one addiction or another. We are all attempting to learn how to help each other to make better choices, self soothe, and talk instead of just go with all the old vices. Our progress is pretty sparse, but it's better than before, which was no attempts at all. Just making the attempt is helpful though.

How has your system changed over time?

well,

it's got bigger for 1 thing.

I remember the days of when it just used to be 1 other part natalie.

now it is lots of us

we have a play area for the littles now

we have a dungeon for when stuff goes wrong

um

everyone is a lot more active

our protector does a really sucky job at protecting?

yeah.... all that I suppose

question:

have you ever written anything creative (poetry, story,) or drawn something relating to another alter?

we've written a poem about 1 of our alters octavia, and I think a long time ago we wrote something for a friend in holand who wanted to know about all of us

Tons! I have a half finished novel in which one of my alters is the main character. It was quite strange, really, how I learned to communicate with him through the writing without even knowing it. I could probably talk for hours about all that! I knew he was a part of me, but dang! I didn't realize he was a PART of me. Until he started talking to me. I should have realized, I mean, looking back at how I was interacting with him internally, it was only strong denial that kept me from putting it all together.
I also have short stories I've written that are about other alters, and some of these I started before I knew about DID. All the contents of my subconscious are in those pages, most of it in symbolic form. It's been a way for me to handle those things in a less direct way than remembering, and I'm very grateful for that. I've also done quite a bit of art like that, and sometimes it's one of the others producing or driving the artwork. I've considered sharing some of the artwork but really it's all very triggery.

Have you had a new alter form in adulthood?

The runner part of me came to be about 5 years ago.

*** This could be triggering **

We were having a fish fry at our house and my oldest son had invited several of his friends over.

My husband had one of his Mr Hyde switches and I was trying very hard to make everything happen without him erupting.

I wasn't very successful. I'm not sure what finally set him off. I was on the back deck, by myself thank goodness, and he verbally raged at me from the backyard. I can't even remember what it was about. It just felt like I couldn't do anything. I was trapped there.

I can still remember looking at his angry face and seeing his mouth but I couldn't hear anything. It felt like I floated out of myself and was numb.

I don't remember anything about the rest of that day. I started running the next day.

I started meeting with my counselor the next week.

I guess that is redemption for a horrible thing.

Same question.

Lately I am wondering if *I* am an alter-- I switch but then I always come back to this current person who is functional and able to work-- last week I outed a previously unknown alter to T, which was out for the vast majority of my adolescence and early adulthood, but I wonder if they were the real me and I am just a cover. Either way, I created an alter to them and they never returned, and that would have happened at age 18-19. Then my T told me I have an alter who is in a team with him and is cooperating in the integration by being open and truthful about the other alters, whereas I am very secretive with him. So I guess that would likely be a recent creation, too.

Weird to think about. I suppose we are able to adjust as needed- when something isn't working out or seems frightening, pass it off to someone else...

Hmm...... I have the same question too.

I think so. I am still learning about my parts so i am not sure but I think a mothering part was created as an adult. Its not me anyway. A niggling something tells me there is another one too.
With regards to another question looking back I can see a lot of my writing and artwork was about other parts of me as well. Putting it all together now is very confronting about how much I didn't see what was right in front of me all along.

Can I ask the same question again?

several actually

1 part that resembles 1 of our abusers

octavia (who is just an odd one)

and um

olivia and christine

no one really knows yet why olivia's here, but she's not done too much damage, so we won't worry about her just yet

christine is loud and has a weird accent, and.. well, I suppose she'll be someone to worry about as she tends to do things her own way and not listen to others.

which alter was the one you first became aware of, and how did you become aware of them

first from solnutty's post...

have I ever had an alter form in adulthood...

not dissociative related. At one point I thought so with this one alter because it was like one day she was just there, but then I discovered she had been there all along, i just did not have co consciousness with her until that moment.

another type of alter did just show up one day... an introject alter. I had been having an extremely stressful day and suddenly this voice was talking to me. thats when I discovered anyone can have an introject show up in their lives due to all kinds of reasons.

I asked my treatment provider how do I tell the difference... I was told my DID type alters will not just show up one day. that in my location and culture DID is the result of extreme abusive trauma that results in a person having dissociation symptoms and their personality dividing dissociating things like events, memory, emotions. if I dont have any recent extreme abusive trauma's like that of when I was a child then I would not have a new dissociative alter forming. considering I was not a child with a child's brain (my brain has evolved and grown physically capable of handling adult issues) and that I was not undergoing the same extreme trauma's that resulted in my becoming DID, and my therapy goals was focused on using grounding techniques when triggered the odds that I would have a new alter form in adulthood was zero. That doesnt mean i would not have alters that I wasnt previously aware of, because of how DID affected me there would be alters that may show up that have been there all my life just my not being aware of them because of my limited co consciousness with my internal system.

(boy was I relieved) after that when ever someone new to me showed up I just reminded myself that if its a DID type alter in me they have been there all my life just beginning to be co conscious with them of they are my psychosis induced type alters like introjects and those because of my other health issues and medications.

next question which of my alters was the one I became aware of first... there is no way in me to know that answer. I grew up with DID so everything about it was my normal. as far back as I could remember I could hear voices and had dissociative symptoms.

I do remember the the opposite of this question....the first integration. it was my alter Sunny. one day I realized I was laughing. I mean really laughing not this half laugh because it was expected and I knew I felt happy and could feel sunny laughing. it was a full amandalouise / sunny combined sounding laughter. I realized at that moment that I could remember everything that had previously been sunny's memories. At the same time I realized I could express pain and pain memories too that day after accidentally hitting my finger with a hammer while hanging things up. With Sunny I just accepted it,. with the painful one that was unusual for me to feel a full range of pain and have pain memories so I called my treatment providers.

but remembering who was the first alter no idea.

The first one I became aware of, a few years ago though she's been with me all along-- a five year old girl with selective mutism. It is almost like she has a learning disorder, very rarely speaks and when she does it is very simple and labored and uncomfortable. It is the way I always was around my parents of origin. I always wondered why I could not speak when my parents were in the room.

And.... the same question. Again.

she sounds just like octavia from our system, though octavia is a lot older

natalie was our first. back then, it wasn't even lots of alters.. it was just natalie.

are you happy with your current treatment providers?. why or why not

I am. I can't believe I found a T that specializes in DID. She is the only one in my area and, I've said in another post, it's only by God's grace that I've had the money for sessions. She knows how to handle switching in session, she watches me very closely and works to prevent me from being triggered, and if we are triggered, she works with us to get stabilized and alerts us to what we might need for aftercare. She's not perfect, of course. She triggered fear in one of us pretty strongly without meaning to and we had a week of yuck, but she worked with us midweek, admitted her mistake, and frankly because of the way she handled it we can trust her more now. She never pushes us, she's not afraid of any of us (which is great because the intimidating ones won't trust anyone who is shaken by them). Biggest for us is that each one of us is equally important and worthy of her care and attention. The concerns of each of us matter to her, even when we are in conflict of the issue is stupid to one of us. Her respect for each one of us has been exactly what is teaching us to respect each other. Almost ten years ago, knowing something was deeply wrong with me but not knowing what, I cried out to God that He would heal me somehow. I don't intend to be preachy, but I would feel like a liar to talk about all these blessings and not credit God for this. It was a long wait (and I don't think I'll be done in my lifetime) but He heard me.

Do you have any parts that don't feel pain? How does this effect your system? (I have one, and many of us held bitterness toward her for some of the situations she got us into in times past because of it.)

Yes I am. My current t is going on maternity leave soon and we are about to begin the process of transferring me over to another t. She chose the new therapist for me because of she has training and experience in DID. I like that my t is going to oversee the transfer and is happy to attend joint meetings with me or alternate sessions with her and sessions with the new t until i feel comfortable enough to transfer completely.
My psychiatrist is good too, she feels very safe and respectful.

Are you on any meds for your psychiatric illnesses?

at Solnutty, not really.

I mean we have kirsty who is still a toddler and finds things hard to understand (obviously)

but, even people like alicia (she's 9), she may not feel pain as much as the elder ones, but she knows.

at amyjay, we're probably going to be on meds for the rest of our lives (that's if we ever find some that work!)

15 years of trying new ones and we're still struggling.

have you ever had a type of therapy which you thought was just unhelpful and a waste of time?

yes when I was younger I went to see a male therapist who was really werid. i don't remember much about it but he was burning candles in his room and he had another room behind a curtain that had a massage table in it. I can't remember much but glimpses which might be a good thing! i don't think I went to see him for very long because i could never remember much about it and it was all too creepy. Maybe i even only went once.
How many years of therapy have you had?

I've been in therapy for about the last 1.5 years. I've seen therapists before this but it never lasted long.

What's the most useful thing you've learned in therapy?