[kimmydawn]

I was most ashamed of myself for a moment yesterday...

Someone spoke of how strong I was...how much I'd gone through and rode the waves like a pro...

The thought came to my mind (from nowhere really...no source), "Yeah, nothing like *real life today* life and death struggles to keep the crap where it belongs...in the past." I'd noticed that thought there a few times and examined it. WHAT CRAP.

Now, I'm NOT saying that it's not been the hardest time of my adult life and that fears and worry and exhaustion didn't almost take me down...they did. I did handle them well, I think.

What I am saying is that is was so easy, too easy, to fall in with that thought that came. To forget where I've come from. To shut the yuck away because I have that capability.

Another said, "You've been through so much and handled that better that alot. I don't know how you did it for so long with all that." Yes, maybe that's true...

BUT...

It wasn't in spite of my past, it was because of my past! It should always be remembered and known that we may have difficulties, but are actually extremely strong...certainly far from weak.

I'm angry at that thought that came from nowhere because it's crap...pure and simple.

Yes, therapy and healing helped me immensely to do what I needed to do and maintain for a LONG time. ALL OF ME was required and worked it...somehow. But how dare a part of me somewhere assume that I was better because I'd done well and it was due to "moving on" somehow. There was NO moving on. My past and all of me came with this.

I didn't keep the "crap where it belongs", it formed and created a strong woman because it resides with me. I guess I'm just a woman full of crap.

I don't know what I'm trying to say other than I'm ashamed of myself for the thought coming that assumed I'd put the past and skills away to work for today, when the past and what I learned, lived, endured, digested as well as the skills I acquired there helps my today...every day. In essence, there was a denial of *ME*.

I far from put them away. I embraced the past and skills. I loved them, hated them, acknowledged and even cursed them, but I embraced them and that is the *sole* reason I did well with dealing with the hard stuff of the last year.

It's good that no part of me *ever* forget that.

Have y'all ever thought about your strengths and those of others similar? How incredibly strong we already are...

KD

[nothemama8]

Kimmy I found a good way to get by day by day is to keep a sheet of toilet paper with me or close so I have something to deal with all the crap ppl in my past dumped on us
proud to call you my friend
Love ya
Angie

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((Kimmydawn))))))))))))) I think you are being too hard on yourself.

Often as I am going through things (and I am sooo good at using present events to block past events and inside stuff), I feel similar. I think for me, I am so busy surviving during those times that I don't realize I am surviving the way I learned as a child. It's usually not until things calm down outside that I realize (and not always then).

When daughter was pregnant and with all the stuff going on, it's no wonder you did not think of this then. You were so busy surviving. Sometimes I think that's the only way I can get through those things. I think if I added the tiny bit I have knowledge of and/or remember from my past to what's going on when there is serious stuff going on in the present, maybe I wouldn't survive.

I am going off on a rabbit trail and it might not even be what you are talking about.

I don't know if it's a matter of forgetting but maybe more of an outlook we have to take on to get through for now. Once things settled down, you realized how you got through and maybe that's the important thing?

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((( angie )))))))))))))))

((((((((((((( wantto )))))))))))))))

Thank you for understanding. I don't know why I got so frustrated with myself with that. I think it's because to move forward and continue to do OK, I need to always remember things as well as their applications and meanings in life. I guess it scared me...I don't want to put away the realizations I've had...

Love,

KD

[MissCharlotte]

((Kimmydawn))

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To shut the yuck away because I have that capability.

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Oh, yes, it's the split that we learned out of necessity that then became habit that we have to work on every single day.

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My past and all of me came with this.

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Yes again. This is the hard part, eh?

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How incredibly strong we already are..

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Sometimes, once in a while, particularly when I am helping my children with someting I can feel the strength I have earned. But, all too often, I am weak.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((kimmydawn))))

The fact that we are not perfect but are survivors means so much. Each day that comes, can be wrapped in so much, and our automatic instincts to survive clicks in. When everything is moving so fast and we are moving in a mode that often life requires in this fast paced--hurry up world, sometimes we do what we have always known. We never forget--but it makes us stronger. I do not know if I make any sense, but I do understand.

camilionwords1truth

[Zorah]

{{{{{{{{{{kd}}}}}}}}}} we understand

It is true, we are all strong or we would never have arrived here, where we can talk about our struggles.

Our pasts are us & our strength grows from our survival

"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

you don't need to feel ashamed of realizing that you are stronger than you were
you HAVE grown & all your parts should congratulate each other for not forgetting where you came from

[mlyn]

(((((((((((kimmydawn)))))))))))))))

[(JD)]

Please don't be ashamed. I will try this again, though once in the past few understood... but there's a big difference between shame and guilt and all that goes with them.

I don't see where you have anything to be ashamed about.

I can see why you might be disappointed in yourself, but really, I find no real cause for that either. (((Hugs)))

The thought didn't come from "nowhere." You have to know that. Maybe this is another piece of the puzzle of your healing, to find from where it came?

You are strong. Your past is part of you. Do you HAVE to remember it, in conscious memory? No, not in my opinion. It's there.. but perhaps in holographic form? I think "being healed" is a state when you no longer keep such past in conscious memory, but operate consistently from the past and in the present, newly each day. What do you think?