[elevatedsoul]

i feel like im slipping, not sure whats happening... but im losing it...
i dont know if its a good thing or a bad thing... time for another change?
just hope the depressed part of me doesnt come out because i cant afford to stay in bed 24/7 at all currently.... too much to do, too much to do...

if i stop posting, then its because im just not connecting externally...
and i apologize in advance if i start posting that weird stuff again, i hate doing that and posting a bunch of crazy stuff... thats one of the reasons i wont go back and read what i posted because it makes me feel even more out of touch...

like going to the depression board and reading some of the encouraging posts i wrote, or reading the depressed ones... and definitely going back to the bipolar board when i first joined and reading that stuff is really weird feeling...

i just dont like not being able to remember acting like that or saying those things (i cant even relate half of the time... so it sort of embarrasses me..)
so im going to try not to let that happen again (even though it always happens and i cant remember writing stuff...) just want to avoid looking like an idiot in front of you all

im on the mary go round right now... not sure who or what is going to pop out, but i might end up putting myself back in the hospital due to lack of options and safety concerns... (i haven't cut in like a while, not sure how long but its probably been atleast a month!) and i dont want to self harm any! dunno why i do that, makes me cringe

thanks you all for being friendly to me and trying to understand my complex eccentricities

[L.P.]

If I avoided writing due to concerns for writing crazy things, I would never write again. Lol. I joke, sort of. Joke in bad taste maybe. I do understand concerns of writing. It can be odd, to say the least.

I do want to say though kudos to you for not wanting to jump on the self harm bandwagon. Not always the easiest thing to steer clear of and practicing self care is of the utmost importance. Glad you are thinking along those lines and congrats on going a month.

-Tay

[elevatedsoul]

i feel good about myself for not harming, i just can't understand why i did it before... i mean i guess i have to sympathize with myself and have the understanding that i did it because i was in so much pain but it just leaves scars that are like reminders of something you want to forget... i wish i never done it, cant understand why i did either i should know better

i just feel like parts of me are going dormant, or another part is trying to awaken, its like when you have a word on the tip of your tongue but you cant get the word out!
its like i can feel something happening but i cant make out what it is... besides that i know im changing... i just cant tell in what direction its going, does that make sense?

it will be interesting to say the least... maybe revealing, which is something i need...
but i've felt like this before and it sort of goes away and then i forget about it, or maybe it doesnt go away and i just become less aware and cant tell...

i think im pretty amnesiac for such things... but im used to watching... like usually i dont black out... just not completely aware... i hate it when i black out though because thats usually when anger explodes forward... and for the people that know me in real life its scary because they would all tell you something like "but i have never seen him angry!" i try to stuff that down deep and never let it out because it scares me

[elevatedsoul]

What was I talking about? parts of me going dormant? Part awakening?
Was I High ..? I don't remember writing any of this...
Who am I, Who was I?
Did I change?

Amanda?
You have probably seen me the most, What the hell?

Aack

Does Thought Disorder cause this?

[just2b]

Do you have Co consciousness? Maybe trying to reach out to parts of mind that feel these emotions and feelings and try to comfort them? I am trying to do this. Not an expert at all.

[elevatedsoul]

iunno... like i said in the other thread ya know.. i cant claim d.i.d. cause im not diagnosed with any dissociative disorder... so i dont know whats my problem is... all i know is somethings really wrong with me... i dont feel right, i try to stay me, but i never feel the same... im like a waterfall, the waters are always moving over, shaping the rocks, molding the bedding... the waters shifting.. the shapes changing.. i dunno if thats makes any sense.. where a normal person be like a tree, they grow big and strong.. i just stay the same, but also constantly change.. i dunno.. im frozen in time, but if i were to say it the way i see it, without offending anyone, so are many parts of me, and the waters are these parts of me, and as i walk through the day im just sifting the these parts just to survive and make it through the day in 1 piece because the world is a dangerous and scary place... there are thousands of parts... does that make sense...?

[just2b]

If you feel parts of yourself screw a real diagnosis! Do for yourself whatever you can. I hear you and the complicated life that your in. I am in it too. Compassion when you can patience when you can and understanding when you can. If there are people on here claiming your a liar and fake I say f@@k them! We all deserve compassion and respect. That's what is fu@ked up about this world. Tear people down for their differences and or make them feel bad about themselves because it builds them up.

If you need help seek it. Try not to worry about the outcome.

I'm not diagnosed either, but do I need a geologist to tell me that a rock is a rock? I think not. Nobody knows me better than me....same with the "all of me's" (had to say that, lol!)

Actually....quite a few of the Others are still in disbelief or denial about all this because for some it doesn't feel real. For me....I'm the smart one and I can see it a mile coming.

Much of the angst left when I accepted what I feel is to be the truth. It's just a matter of stating the obvious. I knew since I was a mid-teen, but we hid it from society and ourselves. After a lifetime of miserable confusion....here we are at 49 being real....finally. It took us a year to come to grips with this all the while asking relating questions and studying about DID...till one day the pieces melded and everything made gut sense. So don't quit asking the hard questions....the answer lies within yourself....you just have to keep wading until it presents it's self as the truth. You will know it because you will repel from it like a hot iron to reconsider it or reject it. I guess for some, they need validation from a professional before acceptance.

Keep on writing regardless of your feelings....most of our Others hate sharing or typing (for that matter)...especially since we were accused of faking....(our crazy was too much I suppose)...but I'm not phased by it...too much. (We have a hard time relating to human kind as is)...which is why we come and go.

If you any questions....p.m. me or anyone here.

[elevatedsoul]

how does it look? i mean when you goin on about your buisnes and next thing you know you switched and sittin back not realizing you switched and oblivious to d.i.d. and bein in denial about it, dont it gotta look weird and feel weird? like how do people be in denial for so long about it?
i just feeling like its impossible for me to have something like that because i would known by now.. but then i think about how strange i feel all the time and think maybe its just whats goin on with me too, but i dunno because i always feel strange..

i just don't feel like im ever on the same track...
like somethings wrong with my brain, like its not normal...
i can remember asking questions to everyone about how they experience things when i was a kid, they would tell me things like " you just think too much" and "dont worry about it" ect.
i can remember experiencing depersonalization-derealization when i was 3-4... but i dont really have any memories.. i just remember turning around and feeling like the world was fake and everyone in it were fakes, wondering if they could see or if they were real ... i dunno what happened after that cause it all goes black.. but thats how all my memories are, how everyday of my life is..
i go through moment to moment with black spots, moments that are missing, its just so much that no one believes me... my dad says things like "you can't be that bad" and my doctors look at me like im crazy, which i know i am and thats why im going to see them...

im just having a really hard time... i went out for the weekend and it was really hard... i was fine for the first half of the first day... then i started getting overwhelmed...

i cant live like this much longer... somethings gotta change...