[TrailRunner14]

I was curious if anyone else has wondered this.

It seems that all I can look back on, growing up, that the only memories I have are bad ones. It doesn't sit very well with me.

I keep thinking that certainly, maybe, hopefully, there have to be some good memories. Somewhere.

Maybe there are, and the bad ones override them?

Maybe I'm only focusing on the bad ones?

Maybe there is a part of me that I haven't found that has the good memories?

If I focus on it too long, it causes much anxiety.

Has anyone else ever struggled with this?

Just curious.

[ACrystalGem]

I have some good memories from growing up, but a lot of them are tainted by the feeling I used to get (and still do now) that something bad had to follow the good (and often did). I have lots of memories of walking back from the park, having had a nice time, and wishing I didn't have to go home where it was scary and dangerous. So a lot of my good memories weren't allowed to get too enjoyable, because the crash would be that much worse. Plus many memories that weren't abusive/violent faded with time, but the ones I had to bury to survive, refuse to be silenced now they're out in the open.

[Amyjay]

I have some random good memories floating around. A place we went on holiday and I made a friend once... a random kindness from a stranger.... a fun experience I had at a birthday party I went to... being at an amusement park when I was twelve... a cat I found and manage to secretly feed and befriend... they are random little memories and I bet there are more of them. But I don't have any happy memories of being with family. I don't have memories of what day to day life was like in my family home. Maybe not true... i do have random flashes of the smell of the basement, the sound of me rummaging through my childhood toy box, the sound of a tv show theme song. overall I think there is very little that i remember.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ACrystalGem

I have some good memories from growing up, but a lot of them are tainted by the feeling I used to get (and still do now) that something bad had to follow the good (and often did). I have lots of memories of walking back from the park, having had a nice time, and wishing I didn't have to go home where it was scary and dangerous. So a lot of my good memories weren't allowed to get too enjoyable, because the crash would be that much worse. Plus many memories that weren't abusive/violent faded with time, but the ones I had to bury to survive, refuse to be silenced now they're out in the open.

(((Hug)))

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I have some random good memories floating around. A place we went on holiday and I made a friend once... a random kindness from a stranger.... a fun experience I had at a birthday party I went to... being at an amusement park when I was twelve... a cat I found and manage to secretly feed and befriend... they are random little memories and I bet there are more of them. But I don't have any happy memories of being with family. I don't have memories of what day to day life was like in my family home. Maybe not true... i do have random flashes of the smell of the basement, the sound of me rummaging through my childhood toy box, the sound of a tv show theme song. overall I think there is very little that i remember.

(((Hug)))

[Solnutty]

I have some good memories. I remember being happy on some camping trips. My mom had to hold it together because things were less private on trips. There are memories that I used to remember as good, but most of those are covered in awful feelings--like they weren't really good at all, just all I had at the time.
One of my littles said something very good to me though. He said, "My life now is so much better!" I had been talking to my t about bad memories, lamenting over how many are painful- and this little one wanted to say he has good memories now. Rather, he has new experiences of good things that kids are supposed to do, like coloring and playing with toys and eating candy and the like. Before he came forward he was locked in trauma and had not one single good or child-typical experience. He doesn't like me to dwell on how bad things were because they are better now. Sometimes I think he has a quicker grasp of reality than me.

[leejosepho]

Until now I had never thought about any ratio between positive or negative childhood memories, but negative ones are about all that show up whenever I think back over my childhood and even though I often say I was generally a happy and contented (oblivious to what was actually going on) child. I am curious to know what you mean when saying having only bad memories "doesn't sit very well with me." Having since put my own past in perspective while learning to live life as I know it, past memories are nothing greater or less than just what they are: past memories.

you know, maybe it's like depression.

once I was asked, what is the best part of the year for you?

the only thing I could think of were bad things- bad ways I was treated, things i'd lost, etc.

I think deep down their probably were some good bits of the year, but the depression was clouding it.

same here.

i'd like to think that somewhere in my 30 years of life, something good/ positive/ fun happened

but ask me and it's like really easy to say... well, in my past I didn't have much of a childhood, I was abused a lot by my parents, and I was unloved by everyone

I think it's the same.

my guess is that their were happy times, times you do want to remember, but because they are so few, the bad ones take over

I can't even think about any happy times while i'm writing this

but somewhere their has to be some, right?

another theory is, you get so used to the bad memories, that when something good does happen, you bllock it out, because you're thinking.. well, that didn't happen to me. no way it could have done

[L.P.]

I'm in the same boat as ACrystalGem. Good means bad will follow.

I do not feel a connect to any good memories even though I know they did/do exist. I am sacred of okay, so when something good happened/happens, I freak out and wait for another disaster to hit again. In my reality okay/good is a scary lie covering up some awful whatever that is just behind it.

Plus, the stuff I did as a child, my job and all, was not really too live life as a functional host type person. So it stands to reason due to that as well that I would not know a lot about okay times.

On a more positive note... over the past few months I have been doing some memory/emotion type processing work. In the mess of this, I discovered someone in my system lived some of those years and does have some good memories. While it shook me a bit to realize someone else I had no awareness of was around back then (really did think I knew who lived those years) I am glad someone in here with me has some good stuff they connect to. I wonder if we have a child in here somewhere who has similar things in regards to early childhood. That would be cool.

-V