[bloomajs]

I'm a little unsure about sharing this post. But, I don't have anyone else to share with and really could use support both with my DID and associated issues. So, I guess I'll give it a go.

I've been working with my therapist for 14 months. I see her twice per week and have from the very beginning. I do have phone sessions with her on weeks that she doesn't have the second slot available. While it's not ideal, we do actually work on things and sometimes I'm able to share some things via phone that would be more difficult to share face-to-face. I like my therapist. She has always been consistent with me and I feel as though she does care. I think, anyway. But, where DID is concerned, I'm afraid to let her in. I'm afraid to trust her...

You see, the therapist I saw prior to this one really did a number on me. She was a specialist with eating disorders, as is my current therapist. However, she was not at all versed in chronic ED's and made a lot of assumptions and judgments that were inaccurate and detrimental to my care. Nevertheless, I trusted her and even shared my DID diagnosis (which was something I thought I'd never share). She was dismissive at best and admonished me for indulging myself and my beliefs about DID. She shamed me and we never discussed it again. Instead, she would tell me that I had all sorts of other issues which were outlandish and insulting given my situation. Over time, she grew inconsistent and disengaged. Realizing that I was effectively doing worse in spite of seeing her, I sought out my current T.

It took me several months before I was able or willing to tell her that I was previously diagnosed with DID. I was terrified that she wouldn't believe me or that she would reject me. She hasn't rejected me and has been supportive in spite of not being a specialist in working with dissociative disorders. She has told me that she is happy to continue to work with me in spite of that fact and I know she has done research and reached out to other professionals. Additionally, it's my belief that it's not about what a T's specialty, but the relationship and trust that they have built with their client. As such, I'm not looking for someone who knows about DID - everyone is different with different experiences, anyway. In the time since I told her about my DID diagnosis, we have done some work. I have information about parts and how my DID manifests from my time in residential treatment. My therapist and I have done some early mapping and discussion of parts. And, one small part has communicated with my T during session. She has always been respectful, caring, and conscientious. But, I'm still very fearful of entrusting her with that part of me. I'm scared of letting her in at all where my DID is concerned...

I have been telling her that I've wanted to bring in 2 items for quite some time. However, I've always distracted from a more concrete discussion about what those items are and their importance. But, internal pressure caused me to continue telling her that there were things that I wanted to bring in to my session. Finally, on Friday, she pushed me to tell her what it was that I was talking about. I suppose I was afraid that she would judge me or think me to be silly, immature, or childish. More than anything, I was scared that she would reject me or tell me that my request was inappropriate. I told her that I was afraid to tell her and she assured me that she's never thought negatively of me. And, so, after much hemming and hawing and a request that she guess via 20 Questions (which she declined, lol) I told her about the 2 items I wanted to bring in.

The first was a picture that a small part had drawn for her. It's really just a scribble with her name and the part's name. I was afraid she would laugh at me or think it pathetic, but she was immediately receptive and said to bring it in with me on Tuesday when I see her. The second was a stuffed animal that was given to me upon my diagnosis when I was in residential treatment. It's a comfort for both myself as well as my smaller parts. And, it holds a lot of memories and emotions from my time in residential - including the attachment and subsequent grief I experienced once discharged. Again, she was understanding and supportive. She asked me to bring both the stuffed animal and the picture in with me this week. As much as I want to bring them in, I'm also terrified to do so. What if she was lying and really does think poorly of me? What if she thinks it's juvenile, ridiculous? She would tell me that I will continue to think those things until I bring the items in and see for myself that that's not the case. And, she's right. But, fear can be paralyzing.

Has anyone been through anything similar here? Especially as it relates to DID? How have you handled such a situation? And, how have you handled other situations where trusting your therapist was necessary in order to move forward? I don't want to let fear stand in my way, but that's where I am in this moment...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by bloomajs

I'm a little unsure about sharing this post. But, I don't have anyone else to share with and really could use support both with my DID and associated issues. So, I guess I'll give it a go.

I've been working with my therapist for 14 months. I see her twice per week and have from the very beginning. I do have phone sessions with her on weeks that she doesn't have the second slot available. While it's not ideal, we do actually work on things and sometimes I'm able to share some things via phone that would be more difficult to share face-to-face. I like my therapist. She has always been consistent with me and I feel as though she does care. I think, anyway. But, where DID is concerned, I'm afraid to let her in. I'm afraid to trust her...

You see, the therapist I saw prior to this one really did a number on me. She was a specialist with eating disorders, as is my current therapist. However, she was not at all versed in chronic ED's and made a lot of assumptions and judgments that were inaccurate and detrimental to my care. Nevertheless, I trusted her and even shared my DID diagnosis (which was something I thought I'd never share). She was dismissive at best and admonished me for indulging myself and my beliefs about DID. She shamed me and we never discussed it again. Instead, she would tell me that I had all sorts of other issues which were outlandish and insulting given my situation. Over time, she grew inconsistent and disengaged. Realizing that I was effectively doing worse in spite of seeing her, I sought out my current T.

It took me several months before I was able or willing to tell her that I was previously diagnosed with DID. I was terrified that she wouldn't believe me or that she would reject me. She hasn't rejected me and has been supportive in spite of not being a specialist in working with dissociative disorders. She has told me that she is happy to continue to work with me in spite of that fact and I know she has done research and reached out to other professionals. Additionally, it's my belief that it's not about what a T's specialty, but the relationship and trust that they have built with their client. As such, I'm not looking for someone who knows about DID - everyone is different with different experiences, anyway. In the time since I told her about my DID diagnosis, we have done some work. I have information about parts and how my DID manifests from my time in residential treatment. My therapist and I have done some early mapping and discussion of parts. And, one small part has communicated with my T during session. She has always been respectful, caring, and conscientious. But, I'm still very fearful of entrusting her with that part of me. I'm scared of letting her in at all where my DID is concerned...

I have been telling her that I've wanted to bring in 2 items for quite some time. However, I've always distracted from a more concrete discussion about what those items are and their importance. But, internal pressure caused me to continue telling her that there were things that I wanted to bring in to my session. Finally, on Friday, she pushed me to tell her what it was that I was talking about. I suppose I was afraid that she would judge me or think me to be silly, immature, or childish. More than anything, I was scared that she would reject me or tell me that my request was inappropriate. I told her that I was afraid to tell her and she assured me that she's never thought negatively of me. And, so, after much hemming and hawing and a request that she guess via 20 Questions (which she declined, lol) I told her about the 2 items I wanted to bring in.

The first was a picture that a small part had drawn for her. It's really just a scribble with her name and the part's name. I was afraid she would laugh at me or think it pathetic, but she was immediately receptive and said to bring it in with me on Tuesday when I see her. The second was a stuffed animal that was given to me upon my diagnosis when I was in residential treatment. It's a comfort for both myself as well as my smaller parts. And, it holds a lot of memories and emotions from my time in residential - including the attachment and subsequent grief I experienced once discharged. Again, she was understanding and supportive. She asked me to bring both the stuffed animal and the picture in with me this week. As much as I want to bring them in, I'm also terrified to do so. What if she was lying and really does think poorly of me? What if she thinks it's juvenile, ridiculous? She would tell me that I will continue to think those things until I bring the items in and see for myself that that's not the case. And, she's right. But, fear can be paralyzing.

Has anyone been through anything similar here? Especially as it relates to DID? How have you handled such a situation? And, how have you handled other situations where trusting your therapist was necessary in order to move forward? I don't want to let fear stand in my way, but that's where I am in this moment...

with me it wasnt a choice of whether to share my diagnosis with my therapists or not. the way DID was with me was anytime I got triggered I would dissociate which meant an alter took control...

example if we were talking about a recent storm then I would have my dissociation symptoms and then rainy took control and handled the topic of storms. if my therapist and I were talking about sex and the topic was causing me to feel emotional/ triggered then on comes my dissociation symptoms and thelma took control and handled that part of the conversation.. in other words I had no control over when I dissociated and when, who of the alters took control and handled that problem. just every time I encountered a situation that I felt emotional or otherwise triggered the alter that handled that problem took control and took care of it. so whether or not I shared with my treatment providers that I had DID they already knew, if they chose to believe in what they were seeing and hearing from me or not was up to them. I chose not to stress myself out over my treatment providers own problems. I knew I could not force them to see or believe in my alters so I didnt bother trying. instead I just focused on fixing my problems that I was in therapy for with them. example if our goals were working on depression issues thats what I worked on with them.

bottom line is a person can only control their selves, they can not control what another human being thinks or believes. healing from dissociation is still possible whether or not a treatment provider accepts the diagnosis of DID or not.

[bloomajs]

Thank you so much for your response...

Like you, I wouldn't have had to tell my therapist about the DID diagnosis. Over time, she would have come to that conclusion on her own. My fear isn't as much sharing it with her because that happens regardless of what I want, but really the fact that I'm scared to trust her with it. I guess those two things are so similar that they're different, at least in my mind.

I dissociate whenever I am in a stressful, triggering situation. Sometimes it is normal, every day stress. Then, from what I understand, the parts that come out are similar to me and can function as me in the workplace or at home. During triggering events, say, a loud noise, another part will appear. And, in conversations where I'm upset or scared, yet another part. So on and so forth. My therapist has likely met multiple parts, but the one that is most present with her is a child part. And, the part that drew my T the picture and the one who would most benefit from my bringing the stuffed animal to her office.

Maybe this isn't so much about my therapist at all. I think the trust is more about myself and my unwillingness to truly accept my DID diagnosis or my other parts. I want to hold back because of fear, guilt, shame, discomfort, and a million other feelings. But, my therapist and team want me to let them help. They're open to my doing anything that could be beneficial and my therapist, especially, supports me in every way. The only one uncomfortable with my bringing those 2 items in is me. So, that being said, how do I trust myself?

I myself has been very hard to let a stranger get to know me/us. We have always been private, secretive, quiet, self-avoiding, non-expressive, tight......it would take a long time to just get comfortable to even talk to someone and share our thoughts- not even about DID, just casual talking.

I've thought about it- our awkwardness is as visible as the sun shines....and that bothers us. Coming on here exposing ourselves has made it easier to relax to the idea of opening up...but once we feel betrayed, we clam up and get mad. So being able, like you are...taking baby steps is a huge achievement. We are warming up to talking to a T.

Due to social difficulties at our job- we exposed our condition....good or bad? Don't know, but it was somewhat accepted...

I wish you well on your healing journey.

[Solnutty]

Originally Posted by bloomajs

Maybe this isn't so much about my therapist at all. I think the trust is more about myself and my unwillingness to truly accept my DID diagnosis or my other parts. I want to hold back because of fear, guilt, shame, discomfort, and a million other feelings. But, my therapist and team want me to let them help. They're open to my doing anything that could be beneficial and my therapist, especially, supports me in every way. The only one uncomfortable with my bringing those 2 items in is me. So, that being said, how do I trust myself?

I'm not sure if my comment applies to what you're feeling, but here it goes...
For me, trusting my parts and accepting them enough to begin to truly cooperate within started with first being willing to suspend my perception of them as enemies. It was my T who helped me begin to do this, and one of my protector parts. My T encouraged me to see their actions and thoughts from their perspective, to be curious as to what made them tick, and VERY strongly encouraged me to show them respect (with a bit of compassion) when I addressed them. They all have reasons for what they do and at one time, if not currently, they have acted in ways that they believed were necessary for survival. And forgiveness. Honestly being willing to understand is the only thing that has helped us to begin to trust one another in little ways and to cooperate. That has made accepting the dx easier too.

[Solnutty]

I think your fear about opening up to your therapist is completely understandable, and just about anyone who'd experienced that would feel exactly the same way.
Also, you are blessed to have a T now who is so kind and safe. Sounds like at least one of your little parts trusts her and wants to get closer. If and when you do decide to bring those items, I'm sure your little one will feel very supported.
Does your current T know about the other one?

[bloomajs]

I'm taken aback and so appreciative of everyone taking time to respond.

To answer one of the questions, my therapist is aware of many of my parts. When I was ready to begin working on things concerning my DID, I brought in a notebook with names and ages - things that I had come to learn and understand during a 5 month residential stay for my eating disorder. We went through, one by one, and I shared what little information I had about them. I was, and still am, quite resistant and fearful. But, I do recognize the support, consistency, understanding, and care that my T offers me. She's never once questioned me and has been a stable, positive force in my life over the past year. I don't take that for granted for a moment. While she isn't experienced with DID as a diagnosis, she has been more than willing to walk alongside me and learn with me. And, that, to me, is more important than having worked with someone with that particular diagnosis before.

I know my therapist has "met" and communicated with one of my little parts; we can call her L (I'm still fearful of sharing any of this so baby steps, I suppose). I don't know to what extent they've communicated as I have limited shared consciousness with any part. I think L is the only part I have any true awareness of; sometimes, it's as though I'm watching a movie and can see, hear, and feel what she is experiencing. But, it is inconsistent at best. L has definitely pushed back against my T and can test boundaries. My therapist has taken it in stride. I wonder if she thinks poorly of L. I'm not sure how I feel about her myself...

I'm certain my T has come up against some of my other parts. However, I think some parts are so similar to me that it would be difficult to know for sure. Even I don't know how many parts are there, but I've shared as much information with her as I have. Well, perhaps not, but I have shared what I was able to without feeling too vulnerable.

I am going to put the picture and the stuffed animal into my bag tomorrow night so I don't forget it. I think it's important to bring in. My fear, guilt, and shame is overwhelming, but I think it will make a difference. At least to L. And, I think I want to support her in that...

[finding_my_way]

i can relate. it is hard for me to really let go of all control in general. mine has been very good and receptive about the others, but it still is really scary for me. i get really on edge when i talk about them because it feels strange, and i don't know if i am doing it right or it's okay to talk about them like that.

only a few have spoken to her and pushed me out of the way to say something, but like you, i don't think she knew that happened because they are just really covert and would not really come out and announce who they are, etc. i don't know if they actually could do that because i can be more co-conscious with them, but i don't realize until after they have said something that they have even though i can hear it at the time. it scares me and confuses me...but i would be okay with them talking to her and feel like there is still an element of control from inside somehow associated to when they come out, if they do, etc. and am not quite sure how that even works since i don't feel like i am controlling it, yet maybe i am.

trusting a therapist is not easy though. sharing things with someone like this is really hard to do. i have seen mine for many years, though not consistent until the last year or two. it can take a long time.

[Amyjay]

Did you take the picture and stuffed animal in? How did it go?

I trusted my wife spouse...but she sucked. My best lustener is a bar tender with big