[Claritytoo]

I have to drive to NY from SC. I am having so much anxiety when I think about it I actually get light headed. I drove to SC from NY but was numb when I did it. I still only remember small moments of the drive. Now I am "better" and I am overwhelmed with anxiety. The drive is two weeks away and I am shaking just trying to get ready. I will be bringing my dog but right now that isn't helping me. It's like I can't hear anything else but a ringing in my ears. I can't drive like this. I can't breath

pretty depressing afternoon.

binging on chocolate and watching tv.

how.... productive

[Solnutty]

This is my last few days before my next graduate course begins. I hate the nervousness. I’m hoping I can do better at taking care of myself this time around.

kept having visions of my mother standing in the room with me

talking about death and how she'd finally succeeded in taking my life

and then after I spent hours wondering the room and realised she wasn't their I sat down and thought about all sorts of twisted weird science experiments my family would do on me if they had the chance

sometimes it's not enough

you ignore the contact, you distance yourself, but it still isn't enough.

it still messes with you

hmm should probably rest but can't

still feel pretty anxious after yesterday

[TrailRunner14]

*** This could possibly be triggering ***

I'm on my phone and can't put the trigger alert.

Just wanted to put that here.

My mom is having surgery tomorrow morning. She's having a surgery to remove her breast. They found a small cancerous rice sized spot.

Instead of having the spot removed, she chose the other option.

I don't really have words to say how I feel.

I called her to let her know that I would be there for her tomorrow, but she let me know that there were going to be several people there for her. I would probably have to look for a seat.

Ok.

Sad.

Alone.

I think I need to grieve this but I don't know how. I don't want to give up on my little one who has always wanted to feel loved and wanted.

What do I tell her to comfort her heart? What do I tell her that helps her understand and accept that the mom she has wanted and tried to be good enough for..... just isn't?

I don't even want to go and be there tomorrow. I really don't!!!

I'm remembering a Mothers Day, many years ago. I didn't call her and wish her a happy day. She called me and was very angry. Pissed actually. I felt bad. Guilty.

That is earned and not expected though.

Right?

Thank you for hearing me.

I really don't want to go tomorrow, but I guess I will.

That makes my heart sad.

I so wish it was different.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I called her to let her know that I would be there for her tomorrow, but she let me know that there were going to be several people there for her. I would probably have to look for a seat.

Can you possibly not go tomorrow? You don't want to be there and she has said she she will have other people there anyway. She has pretty much made it clear she has other people to support her. So be kind to you and don't put yourself through that stress. (If she gets angry you can always say she said she had others there and you would have to "look for a seat" so you thought it would be too stressful for her to have so many people there).

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I think I need to grieve this but I don't know how. I don't want to give up on my little one who has always wanted to feel loved and wanted.

You don't EVER have to give up on your little one who has always wanted that. You, trailrunner, big and little parts, are awesome. You are always caring, always kind, always considerate, always thoughtful of others above yourself. You bigs and littles have always been good enough.
It is your mother who wasn't.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

What do I tell her to comfort her heart? What do I tell her that helps her understand and accept that the mom she has wanted and tried to be good enough for..... just isn't?

You tell her you are so sorry she didn't get a good enough mother. tell her it was never ever her fault, not even once. She was born as beautiful and amazing and worthy as every other child on this earth. Tell her it was no fault of her own that she got a mother who couldn't.
Tell her that YOU will be there for her, not matter what, no matter when. That you will always have her back and be her champion and you will try to be the good enough mother that she never had. Tell her you will do your very best to protect her and love her and keep her safe from all harm even if you don't always get it right all the time you are going to try and be the person she always needed but never had.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I don't even want to go and be there tomorrow. I really don't!!!

Don't go. Be kind to you, be kind to little you.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I didn't call her and wish her a happy day. She called me and was very angry. Pissed actually. I felt bad. Guilty.

This happened to me a couple weeks ago. It was the mother's birthday. I did actually try to call but didn't get home from work until really late. I got home to a slew of abusive messages from the father on my answer service.
Some people unfortunately expect it rather than earn it.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I so wish it was different.

Yes.

Sending peace to you.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you Amyjay. Your words were a comfort to me today!!

I did go because I didn't think I could deal with the guilt if I didn't go. I saw her for a bit before the surgery and it was for the most part, uneventful.

Your words were kind and gave me courage.

[Amyjay]

Everything is drawing to its inexorable conclusion. It feels like everything is wedge shaped, with me being channeled in to the inescapable point. There is no where else to go. Work, home, family and therapy. Each of them is both intolerable and inescapable.
I don't want any of it.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Everything is drawing to its inexorable conclusion. It feels like everything is wedge shaped, with me being channeled in to the inescapable point. There is no where else to go. Work, home, family and therapy. Each of them is both intolerable and inescapable.
I don't want any of it.

I pray you find a place of peace and inner safety.

I don't have words without sounding cliquish, so I won't try.

(((Friend)))

[Amyjay]

I am really struggling today. I had to leave work because it was the best thing to do. I was triggered and switching and couldn't ground myself. When I got home I was on a very distressed roundabout of switching that involved SH. Since then I am calmer but very dissociated.
I am lost inside all this hurting. I can't find sleep or relief. I just want it to end. I'm done.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I am really struggling today. I had to leave work because it was the best thing to do. I was triggered and switching and couldn't ground myself. When I got home I was on a very distressed roundabout of switching that involved SH. Since then I am calmer but very dissociated.
I am lost inside all this hurting. I can't find sleep or relief. I just want it to end. I'm done.

I'm here and hearing you.

I'm so sorry you are so distressed.

Are you ok?

[Amyjay]

I am not really okay but I suppose I am okay. that is an adult talking through this. This is trauma right? This right here is the trauma. i read somewhere recently that trauma is not the actual events or incidents, the real trauma occurs when the distressed child is uncomforted unsupported and has no way of calming the nervous system down, no way of self-regulating (too young, self skills not learned through previous experience), no way of finding or experiencing safety. The trauma occurs when the child is stuck there with no hope of resolution or rescue and no way out.
So this right here right now is trauma. This is the experience of the hopelessness, the intolerable-ness, the inescapable-ness, the aloneness and isolation of never-ending pain.
Here it feels like this is all that has ever been known and all that will ever be, because this is what always is.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I am not really okay but I suppose I am okay. that is an adult talking through this. This is trauma right? This right here is the trauma. i read somewhere recently that trauma is not the actual events or incidents, the real trauma occurs when the distressed child is uncomforted unsupported and has no way of calming the nervous system down, no way of self-regulating (too young, self skills not learned through previous experience), no way of finding or experiencing safety. The trauma occurs when the child is stuck there with no hope of resolution or rescue and no way out.
So this right here right now is trauma. This is the experience of the hopelessness, the intolerable-ness, the inescapable-ness, the aloneness and isolation of never-ending pain.
Here it feels like this is all that has ever been known and all that will ever be, because this is what always is.

What would help that little one feel safe and ok in a good way?

I have a blankie and a favorite chair that I curl up in with it.

I feel safe there and I go to sleep.

Is there somewhere like that for you?

[TrailRunner14]

I read what you said about where you are right now. I wanted to let you know that I heard you and I respect how you feel.

My intention was to try and help to calm the little one that is distressed. The trauma you spoke of.

(((friend)))

[Amyjay]

I am feeling much more grounded today and very disconnected from the trauma of yesterday. I am trying to remember it though because it revealed some really important stuff. But thank you for hearing and responding to us yesterday Trailrunner. It was comforting to be heard.

[dlantern]

Doing well as expected really wish some folks would relax stop front jumbling and hounding as if they don't know what running is we are represent in some areas to where it seems a lot of folks at least got said hey too....It was one of those aggravating moments of on the journey healing from dissociative identity disorder ptsd the infinite mind knowledge

[Solnutty]

Here's something funny that happened.
I've been unable to do my homework for days. I just haven't been able to focus at all.
Today I opened my assignment and heard in my head, “I’m angry!”
And I thought, “Why are you angry?”
“Because I have to do this ****!”
And I thought, “You don’t have to do this ****. I have to do it. You can go hang out inside and do whatever you like.”
And then I had one of those relaxing shudders that I get sometimes and now I can do my homework.
I have no idea who that was, but hey, whatever.

[Kiya]

The psych ER I often end up at met a new-to-them alter; my boy tommy. He gets treated very differently than my girl of the same age (10). I'm a girl and yet tommy gets treated different (better) even tho he's in a girl's body. Huh.
He even SH'ed me in the lobby and nothing even happened. Weird. That wouldn't have been the case for the rest of us.

[TrailRunner14]

So many things are on my plate right now. External and internal issues are colliding. It’s very unsettling.

we had a really lucky escape today

we were really anxious because we had to talk to someone on the phone this afternoon who we didn't know, and we were fritened to talk to him

fast forward a few hours to this afternoon... and he never called

score.

okay, so it was quite an important call, and we sort of needed him to call us anyway, but we were glad we didn't have to take it too

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Kiya

The psych ER I often end up at met a new-to-them alter; my boy tommy. He gets treated very differently than my girl of the same age (10). I'm a girl and yet tommy gets treated different (better) even tho he's in a girl's body. Huh.
He even SH'ed me in the lobby and nothing even happened. Weird. That wouldn't have been the case for the rest of us.

((((((((( all of Kiya )))))))))

(Psych ER and other psych stuffs )

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((((((((( all of Kiya )))))))))

(Psych ER and other psych stuffs )

Thank you fuzzy idiot dr tried to send me home after 2 hours of being there. I couldn't make it clear we weren't safe. Even injuring in their own lobby didn't mean anything to them. What world is this...

[TrailRunner14]

We are headed to my mom’s for Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Such mixed emotions. Last year was not a good experience. I’m encouraging myself to set some respectful boundaries and stand my ground.

It’s scary.

I called her to double check the menu with her. She tells me that she has made a gluten free cake for me.

Great!!

First issue and it’s not even tomorrow.

I don’t eat cake. I don’t like it. She has always tried to make me eat deserts and I do not like them.

She makes a gluten free cake FOR ME and now I feel like I have to eat it.

Do I eat a piece out of respect and appreciation for her kindness in thinking of me.

Or

Do I see it as manipulation, stand my ground and tell her, “Thank you, but I don’t like cake!”

I feel like she trying to make me do something I don’t want to do.

*** Trigger ***
She likes to tell people that when I was a baby, I wouldn’t open my mouth when she tried to feed me. She smiles and says that she would pinch me and make me cry so I would open my mouth. She enjoys telling that story.

It feels like she is pinching me now.

[Amyjay]

That is a tricky one Trailrunner. It is okay to not eat the cake. It is okay to be grateful for the thought but decline the offer because you "have never really eaten cake or desserts". Just because it is gluten free it doesn't mean that other cake eaters can't enjoy it - it's not like it is going to go to waste. Unless it is a truly crappy gluten free cake, in which case why on earth should anyone including you be obliged to eat it!
It is TOTALLY okay to say "that was very kind and thoughtful of you and I am sure many guests will enjoy it, but I don't feel like cake right now, thank you. " Big smiles. Big cheesy you would such a **** to get angry at me right now because I am being so polite no matter how you try to spin it smiles. Big I am not swallowing one bite of your guilt trip smiles.
We don't celebrate thanksgiving in my culture and I am so sad about that because it sounds like so much love and fun.

[Amyjay]

I think I trust my T.