I am doing okay.

not really the type of weather I wanted yesterday (a bit too warm), but blah, what should I expect, the weather man said it might be a bit hotter at the weekend

greyer today though. trying to rain but it's not yet.

no sleep

Every Sunday...my only day off...my anxiety is so high, it feels like imminent doom. I feel nervous and unsure. My voice sounds a mile away in a tunnel...my body walks stiff...I hate going anywhere and tend to migrate back to the apt like being pulled by a magnet into hiding.

I don’t know who I am or what I be....is it real or fake expecting the worse.

Just another typical Sunday.

ended up raining all day- it was lovely

didn't get too much done- I didn't even have a roast dinner (I ended upp having scampi which was less than average)

but an okay day- very little to complain about

again no sleep last night, but hey... that's just how it is

Things are different in our system today it seems. The fems that have been out have stopped coming after our minor seizured med withdraw, and our Christian brother has reawakened.

Our spiritual quest has once again resumed after watching you tube videos of endtimes and demonology.

For some reason...I feel peaceful.

Well, all I got to say is that they were wrong.

legs hurt like ****.

that is all

*mumbles something under her breath about getting the picking up wand*

Well, haven’t been present in days...and they let this bodies appearance go to crap and clothes are everywhere.

Fixed mos of that last night....

Omg...it’s time to go...

mother emailing abuse today

Possible trigger:

this time saying she would pay a good friend of mine to kill me

what?

so she's now too scared to do it herself and trying to bribe others?

sick

feeling horrible after that

An oddity was noticed at work yesterday putting us in a weird lite....was brain storming at 2:30 a.m. everyone freaking out thinking scenarios on damage control, outing ourselves, or running and hiding.

Had to go buy beer to go back to sleep...got an hour of sleep...now sucking down coffee to sober up for work where all this stress began. Can’t quit can’t get fired.

Oops, drank too much last nite.

Possible trigger:

started the day by getting another death threat from my mother which was uncalled for

still really intent on paying people I know to kill me which is sick.

made me feel uneasy and unsafe.

for the rest of the day I just do what I usually do- internet, tv, eat, etc.

I got to stroke a dog this afternoon which was nice
feeling in diffrent

I'm not happy to be alive, but don't wanna die

Originally Posted by raging vortex

Possible trigger:

started the day by getting another death threat from my mother which was uncalled for

still really intent on paying people I know to kill me which is sick.

made me feel uneasy and unsafe.

for the rest of the day I just do what I usually do- internet, tv, eat, etc.

I got to stroke a dog this afternoon which was nice
feeling in diffrent

I'm not happy to be alive, but don't wanna die

Yea, if there was no people on this planet it would be all right.

I am in a lot of pain today.

so this morning during my shower, I had problems moving my arms/ legs and had breathing difficulties, none of this I'm going to collapse, none of that... but I did, what I like to call, " sway", and quite fast

just about made it to breakfast in a lot of agony, ate breakfast, and then came back to my room and just chilled out.

I'm feeling better now (I'm breathing normally, and I'm not in pain), um..... okay, I am a little in my legs

I hate chronic pain, especially when it flares up really bad- all the energy in you just goes away

going to eat some chips this afternoon and post a bit on here

and then find something for dinner

This world is not what it seems. Be not deceived.

today is a very special day for us

it's special because we're going to tick something off our bucket list (or we hopefully are)

we're going to the funfair!

okay, so it's not exactly good news.. I am very anxious about going (with the crowds, and the rides, and the music), etc etc, and I feel a panic attack isn't far off.

but we chose to do this as a system. at least try it. if it doesn't work it doesn't work

[Amyjay]

I am so extraordinarily tired. I slept 18 hours last night. And all I want to do now is go back to bed. Is this coming from an alter maybe? I don't know. I have so much work related stuff to do and I am SO TIRED.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

today is a very special day for us

it's special because we're going to tick something off our bucket list (or we hopefully are)

we're going to the funfair!

okay, so it's not exactly good news.. I am very anxious about going (with the crowds, and the rides, and the music), etc etc, and I feel a panic attack isn't far off.

but we chose to do this as a system. at least try it. if it doesn't work it doesn't work

Did you get to go? Last weekend one of our system members really wanted to go to something in a city several hours away but none of the rest of us wanted to do it at all. We let her go though. She really liked it but it would have been hell for the rest of us.
I hope someone in you managed to have some fun maybe?

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Did you get to go? Last weekend one of our system members really wanted to go to something in a city several hours away but none of the rest of us wanted to do it at all. We let her go though. She really liked it but it would have been hell for the rest of us.
I hope someone in you managed to have some fun maybe?

yes, we got to go.

actually the crowds wern't too bad

the music and noise though was a bit overwelming

with that said, we walked around the entire fair looking at everything.

we didn't do anything (sadly we were too big to fit in the rides), and we lost at the teddybear game- and we didn't buy any sweets

so when we came home we felt a little down/ depressed that it had come to nothing, (and a little embarrassed we were too fat for the rollercoaster), but I guess the fresh air was nice

overeating again

no sleep again

barely anything to really say about today

still feel a bit upset that yesterday we didn't really get anything done at the fair, but what's done is done, I guess

Kid triggering me. Gotta leave before I kick him out.

i was not created simply to be "deconstructed"!!!!!!!

got out to the shop today to get my food for the night

that aside, feel like ****

pretty depressed really, and flashbacks have been ****ing aweful

Been depressed a lot lately since med screwup.... can’t be helped feel unimportant, trivial, excommunicated, not caring to open up anymore’s, dazed a lot dealing with the screwed up world, holed up in my room, going out only if I have to watching you tube videos

Nothing is as it seems.

All I want to do is sleep...I slept most of Labor Day away. Gotta go get food, or not. Seems like a huge chore. Clothes piled up.

had a bad panic attack yesterday, and spent most of the evening struggling to breath.

but I am okay now.

just depressed and feel blah