I have decided that today I am sending an email to someone who doesnt have a clue about ddid (she likes to think she does, but insists on the fact I use a certain name and act a certain way)

so I'm telling her I don't want her in my life anymore. I'm telling her it's unhealthy

I have something nice to watch today.

I am watching the first part of a 2 part programme- it's bbc's adaptation of the story of watership down

I'm really looking forward to it because I don't know the story

I just know it has rabbits in and rabbits are cuuuute!

I watched part 1 of watership down and it was so cute

not what I expected the story to be, but still a good watch

was going to watch part 2 today but honestly I can't be bothered.

I never sent that email either. I still need to do that

someone asked me today if I heard from my family over christmas

I don't know why they'd ask that. they know I wouldn't have (or at least heard something nice from them)

they sent me a death threat thursday, but that was it

I am really struggling with christmas grattitude.

I am close to tears this morning because I didn't get what I wanted for christmas (a new sparkly dress), however- I did get a new bottle of perfume and a beautiful music box (you spin it around and it plays we wish you a merry christmas)

I'm close to crying my eyes out though because I really wanted the dress

honestly I feel like a bratty kid at the moment- give me what I want or i'm gonna pout type thing

of course I'm grateful, the music box is lovely and the perfume smells amazing, but I can't shake what I really wanted- and what's worse is that the woman who actually got me the perfume, you could tell I didn't react like she was expecting.

how to be greatful for it when your face is showing a diffrent story

hard one..

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I am really struggling with christmas grattitude.

I am close to tears this morning because I didn't get what I wanted for christmas (a new sparkly dress), however- I did get a new bottle of perfume and a beautiful music box (you spin it around and it plays we wish you a merry christmas)

I'm close to crying my eyes out though because I really wanted the dress

honestly I feel like a bratty kid at the moment- give me what I want or i'm gonna pout type thing

of course I'm grateful, the music box is lovely and the perfume smells amazing, but I can't shake what I really wanted- and what's worse is that the woman who actually got me the perfume, you could tell I didn't react like she was expecting.

how to be greatful for it when your face is showing a diffrent story

hard one..

heres something that may help.... you can always get the dress of your choice and gift it to your self. a late christmas present from your self to your selves.

today is a bit hectic for me too. we took the kids to the north pole then on the way home we stopped at a relatives home. lots of kids, lots of adults lots of screaming, laughter conversations I have to stay present in the moment for, counter my dissociation symptoms every time I am feeling numb and spacy.

I have found today I need to take many breaks today.

Been feeling very insecure and invalid for a while now. Very unsure of self. Totally embarrsssed as to what comes out of this body (words and postings) and the way we are. Still in bed and it’s past noon.

We drink every night to oblivion, been thinking of AA...but this condition makes it hard to be an active participant. Just being with a group of people produces high anxiety and panic attacks. Parts interact one on one just fine, but in a group clams up leaving me high and dry.

I need to get out of bed.

This is the 29th.

Thinking about how New Year resolutions are a joke because they fade away and are forgotten or another breaks the rules and the rest suffer just because of it...so why even bother?

[Betty_Banana]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Been feeling very insecure and invalid for a while now. Very unsure of self. Totally embarrsssed as to what comes out of this body (words and postings) and the way we are. Still in bed and it’s past noon.

We drink every night to oblivion, been thinking of AA...but this condition makes it hard to be an active participant. Just being with a group of people produces high anxiety and panic attacks. Parts interact one on one just fine, but in a group clams up leaving me high and dry.

I need to get out of bed.

Maybe online AA meetings might be a good idea?They're a great alternative to face to face meetings if you struggle with being with a group of people.Plus you can attend in your PJ's or while lying in bed if you want.Just do a Google search for "online AA meetings" and you will find them.

Originally Posted by Betty_Banana

Maybe online AA meetings might be a good idea?They're a great alternative to face to face meetings if you struggle with being with a group of people.Plus you can attend in your PJ's or while lying in bed if you want.Just do a Google search for "online AA meetings" and you will find them.

I used to be an avid quiet member for years....afraid to speak because by the time I think that I finished speaking....I’ve dissed in panic and at the end people are just staring at me in silence leaving me wondering what did everyone just hear. Ugh.

Online AA is great, you can drink a beer and do online meetings :/

We will try and give it a go I guess.

Thanks.

Tired as usual. We go on call this week, which means our schedule is greatly interrupted.

Happy New Year....

Didn’t drink any...

Thought I’d go to bed early like 9:30 so as to not be tired in the morning...toss and turned till 12:30 and heard fireworks become a roar...slumbered off and on till 6...then snoozed to 8...better sleep always when you are suppose to get up, lol.

[lucidity11]

So I saw my t for the second time. She is good about returning the conversation back to what we were trying to say. I always go from one thing to another that I often lose the thought. I don't think she has worked with a lot of DID patients. I might be wrong. I think I will ask her next session. It's a different type of therapy more structured and I like that better. She also seems to follow up from the previous session and I like that. Makes me think she listened to what we were saying. I was thinking about moving again but I think if I move I will stay in the area so I can stay with this therapist. It's difficult to explain us to people.

[lucidity11]

I love my son but his mind exhausts me. I can not help him and he doesn't believe he needs help. He suffers in real and delusional thought. I don't want to know him as he is. I am not understanding how I can think about him in this way. I sometimes feel nothing, no pain of missing my son, no longing to see him, no recollection of who he was to me. This causes me to be hopeless and directionless. Without a purpose. Is it possible to just walk away from my boy. My life my world. Why can't he be the boy I knew. Why can't I help him This is my life and I am lost in it's reality

[dlantern]

Lamborghini door, turn to the right, swivel right, directional finger arrow via the atomshepere showing no matter what it is that happens persist to not listen when we have already shared about coffee. Is house husbands in our future? Don't allow the transferences to get in the way of what is correct to do some of us love the kitchen? Transference is a better way of thinking for us in this set back it shouldnt be the sharpest knife in the drawer but it really is for those of us that persist for ignorances doors.

[dlantern]

DMV volunteer in our in future but what if some of the transference tells us that they manage it by wow parents, names symbolism and musically versed.....The triangle, he says he is hov of 1986 possibly lead us with group interactions but are often mean.....Is this an error any experts are welcomed to share and what can the rest do? Is creating them a staff the best thing that can happen in a scenario like this for all types of eaters we lost enough weight no need to 116lbs has to be versed on all types of motives and wellness ideas.....This is transference in our society is what we are talking about bills bills bills got us our next video. I need to know if there is more in there that isn't making this make sense because that could be possible.

[dlantern]

Transference via google direction is the redirection to a substitute usually a therapist, of emotions there were originally felt in childhood (in a phase of analysis called transference neurosis).....Is seeking a demotion because we can't get the conception explained all that well. Although we are find by illness standards and accept it mostly it would be wonderful if folks stops being so safe and averse and be a cut from a different cloth.

Can anyone diagnosed DID and PTSD help me with how you first got to understand? Transference at the first one then just ....their(therapist) example and remember what happened at home....For example, This is like ur neighbor his emotion like us....What was the guidance like please. ....If in your spirit guide you will get your reward in heaven

Another week of being on call is over! That usually means the guys are out 24/7 babysitting a phone....now we can relax and be casually free.

I can’t wait for tonight...this body has been neglected.

[lucidity11]

I think I am going to move again. If I still can't feel safe in my new place I will consider that my lack of feeling safe is more about us than where we live

[Rive1976]

I dont have DID but I feel like I need to escape when my therapist starts talking about possible CSA. I just keep saying I want to die this isnt good, I look at this picture of a wave on her wall. All this chatter I just described. I tap my nails on my teeth etc. What is this?

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by Dnester

I dont have DID but I feel like I need to escape when my therapist starts talking about possible CSA. I just keep saying I want to die this isnt good, I look at this picture of a wave on her wall. All this chatter I just described. I tap my nails on my teeth etc. What is this?

It sounds a lot like the features of anxiety. Which can be caused by many many different things.

[Amyjay]

Having a bit of a day today. Started off with only 3 hours sleep, broken by nightmares. Woke up to a facebook video post from my birth family posted last, about a huge get together yesterday with my mother, my siblings, my two nephews from overseas who I have never met, all my cousins and their children, a gathering of about 30 people in all that happened only a two minute drive from my home... posted with a message from our birth mother - "so grateful to spend time with all my family". So many responses from the family members mentioned about how much they loved the day, how grateful they are for family. So many happy children playing in the video, so much laughter.

We weren't invited. We had no idea this was on. Our two kids - also her grandchildren -weren't invited. I won't tell them or let them see the video because it will crush them.

I just want to unfriend her because the hurt of this video on our birthday of all days - the day our "real" mother also rejected us and told us "this is your day to think about why your real mother didn't want you" - is too much to bear.

**** childhood abuse, **** CEN, **** families.

We’re just getting off a 2 week stretch at work and I feel very tired. Been feeling rather withdrawn for awhile now...we are more robotic then anything else, nobody wants to really front outside of the house.

The realization that we are perceived as a lying judgmental hypocrite kinda hurts the system. This isn’t on purpose... just a difference of opinion or mindset of all those involved that comes across as inconsistent, contrary, and just plain bad....and there is nothing that we can do about it.

Frustration prevails.

Just noticed that my FB name has been changed. I hope nobody notices.

deffenetly more downs than ups lately

been surviving but it really isn't good enough

one of the recurring themes for me lately is abandonment- and I'm not just talking about childhood abandonment from my parents and friends, but also in the present- I can't help wonder sometimes.. am I good enough?

or am I that bad people just want to block me out for what ever reason.

[Gr3tta_0]

I often talk quietly to (???) while doing tasks, and the other day at work i realized the conversation had become far too animated to be taking place in the workplace. I promptly shut my mouth, but i don't know what happened after that until I'm home.

I wonder why i have no friends, although I'm not sure if I'd like to have any or not. 😟