[Solnutty]

I had a vile dream several days ago. It affected me so badly my best friend urged me to let my therapist know. She said she hadn't seen me in that kind of state (highly dissociative) since before I knew about my DID. I think the dream is a memory, or part of a memory, because of how deeply it affected me. I've had nightmares before, but not like this. At the same time I cannot accept it as a memory. It threatens my sense of past reality too much.
After a day of awful, I felt it diminishing. I could think rationally again. My alter, Sire, who talks to me and comes forward a lot, disappeared. When I finally got him to communicate, he told me he doesn't want to come forward because he is trying to keep me from the pain. Apparently, all the ugly went to him to carry. I don't want him to just suffer. He is full of physical pain all over, and is slipping into a deep depression. The CR meeting is tonight and I've urged him to go, which he agreed to do on the condition that he shut me out. This will be difficult, because we are very coconscious. I don't want to be flooded with his trauma material, but he (we) needs some kind of support. I can't just let him hurt like this.
Questions: any insight? How does your system manage pain?

[yagr]

I think that we are experiencing some very similar emotions at the moment, Solnutty. I am sorry if I don't say this very well, but I have a tendency to try and relate someones description of their experience to my own, and I often am concerned that in doing so, I look like I'm trying to make it about me. I'm not - just trying to relate and let someone know that they are not alone. That said...

My alter Sonseearae, who talks with me often and fronts quite frequently, is also hiding right now. She's only six years old but I am confident that I get a lot of emotional strength from her. She does emotions so much better than I do. As a result, and in the midst of so many emotional crisis's, I feel like I'm falling apart at the moment. In fact, I told my therapist yesterday that I believe that I'm in crisis for the first time in my life and need help. She immediately double booked me for the week; I don't ask for help and she knows it.

One of the major things I'm dealing with right now is also a memory. Though I had discussed it in therapy before, we revisited a memory when I was six years old and I began exploring it again. This time I realized that the second, worse part of the memory wasn't originally mine; it was Sonseearae's. I got the memory when we became co-conscious...

And then I realized, for the first time, how much and how often I inadvertently dumped on her when I dissociated because I couldn't take the pain and she was left to suffer. It's probably fair to say that I love her more than anyone in the world - and to realize how much pain I've caused her through checking out when I had my fill and allowing her to take the brunt of it....it's more than I can bear.

Normally I would just talk to her, find a way to make amends...but as I said, she's hiding. That in and of itself is difficult for me, I rely on her so much and we are co-conscious most of the time - very literally I suppose, a part of me is missing. A month ago, she heard herself on an answering machine for the first time. She's never heard her voice externally before - she hears herself when she talks but she doesn't hear the old man voice that came over the recording, she hears herself as she imagines she sounds. It was a rare, coveted piece of physical identity...and now it's gone. It's a month later and she still refuses to talk. She's hiding from her friends so she doesn't have to talk to them.

So yeah, I do understand the 'can't let her hurt like this' and the 'I have no idea what to do to help make this better'. No answers but I'm sitting with you and hope it gets better for all of us soon.

[Solnutty]

Thank you so much for your reply, yagr! It is a comfort to hear a similar experience. I'm praying for you and Sonseearae (and I hope that is a comfort to you). Sire went to CR, and I know he talked to my friend on the phone, so I'm a little less worried about him now. He's still not really communicating with me, at least not like we are used to. I miss him. When he sends me a quiet word, I hurt with him, so he stays away. I will keep you posted on how we are doing, and when things change for us. I would like to know how you are doing too.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

Thank you so much for your reply, yagr! It is a comfort to hear a similar experience. I'm praying for you and Sonseearae (and I hope that is a comfort to you).

Any version of kind thoughts (including prayer) always welcome.

Originally Posted by Solnutty

Sire went to CR, and I know he talked to my friend on the phone, so I'm a little less worried about him now. He's still not really communicating with me, at least not like we are used to. I miss him. When he sends me a quiet word, I hurt with him, so he stays away. I will keep you posted on how we are doing, and when things change for us. I would like to know how you are doing too.

I'm glad you have reason to be less worried now, and I will let you know how we are doing as well but wanted to say that I'm going out of town tomorrow for about five days and have no computer access...so not ignoring that request, just might be a week or so.

[Solnutty]

Hey Yagr. How is Sonseearae doing?

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

Hey Yagr. How is Sonseearae doing?

Horribly; we both are. But, thank you for asking. I did remember this thread and my saying that I would get back to it, but I tend to avoid such things until I can say that everything is peachy...and it feels like a long way off atm.

How are you and Sire doing?

[Solnutty]

Aw, well I'm glad to know how you are really doing regardless of good or bad, because I care. I'll try to avoid saying anything cliche or giving advice. But know that I'm sending you both heart hugs as hard as I can.

Sire spent another four days in hiding. He said it was like being in a dark hole. T helped him, and some of the other insiders helped too, so he's back out again. He told me a tiny bit about it and I'm fine with not knowing any more.

Is it the same issue you mentioned that's hurting Sonseearae? Please don't feel obligated to answer. Only if it benefits you.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

Aw, well I'm glad to know how you are really doing regardless of good or bad, because I care.

Sincere thanks. I don't know if I don't have enough of this in my life, or if it is my perception, but yeah, I feel like my value is tied to being at least 'ok'.

Originally Posted by Solnutty

Sire spent another four days in hiding. He said it was like being in a dark hole. T helped him, and some of the other insiders helped too, so he's back out again. He told me a tiny bit about it and I'm fine with not knowing any more.

I'm glad he got help. Got to tell you though, I simultaneously admire and am confuzzled by the 'I'm fine with not knowing any more". I don't know how to do that but suspect it would help in many cases.

Originally Posted by Solnutty

Is it the same issue you mentioned that's hurting Sonseearae? Please don't feel obligated to answer. Only if it benefits you.

Yes, same issue, though I am wondering if my own challenges lately have added to it. She has had some issues with my wife on occasion, but she has always quickly gotten over them. To be candid, I have been pulling back from my wife a bit lately and have been considering some...changes. Normally, if there was a crack in Sonseearae's armor of silence, she would break it with my wife first (she still will talk to me from the back of the bus where she is hiding), but now she is unwilling to invest in that friendship while I am uncertain as to our (my wife and my) path forward.

So yeah, the same issue but there is an further impediment to a way forward for her.

[Solnutty]

To answer cunfuzzled: I can get the information if I want to. Sire had a "private" conversation with T once before, meaning he shut me out, but I sensed the missing information was...something important. And so I dug and dug until I pulled up the information he didn't want me to know. And wow. I deeply regretted doing that, because it was something I couldn't handle (of course! Or he would not have kept it from me) and the fallout basically messed me up and made me unable to handle life for a while. Now I don't dig, or try to recall things my alters carry that feel highly emotional, and that's the main difference. Before that particular incident I couldn't help myself, I just had to access everything. I have a couple alters that say they can shut me out pretty well, but mostly I see and remember everything they say, even though I can't exercise my will or discernment when they are in front. For the sake of my sanity I have had to learn to let the things they want to keep from me fade from my short term memory by keeping my thoughts on other things immediately after I'm in front again, rather than letting myself ponder what they said, did, or thought. If I'm motivated to do this then in a day or so I won't be able to remember more than the most basic details (like where they were and who they spoke to).

[Solnutty]

Yagr, it sounds like your situation is complicated and very difficult. I'm here to support you in whatever way I can. And I'll keep checking up to see how all of you is doing.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

Yagr, it sounds like your situation is complicated and very difficult. I'm here to support you in whatever way I can. And I'll keep checking up to see how all of you is doing.

Thanks. Are you open to a PM or two?

[Solnutty]

Yes indeed