Curious wonder. Could I change the initial point of impact?

I've been thinking about this today.

If I could go back to the beginning point of when all of this (I don't have words for) happened, could I walk that little one out and it be different?

Could it be like a domino effect?

If I could go back and find the beginning root of where I was altered and had to be someone else, because I couldn't be me, would it make a difference?

Would it change who I am now in a better way?

Would it change my life path and who I am now, in a good aspect?

There are good aspects. It just feels like the bad is so loud right now.

Have you ever wondered that?

If you could go back to the base root of where the ? (what do you call it?) happened, and have the ability to heal it, would it ripple down and heal the other things that have been so hard?

There had to be a place of origin that started this all.

I have hope to find it and find healing for it. I hope the domino effect happens.

That may sound stupid.

I'm just rambling and wishing.

That seems to be how it happens in the movies. I like how you put that, just walk out, like off of a movie set. As i described certain scenes to my t, i would be like, yeah, if i could just rewrite how that ended, so i didnt have to just disappear. It ties up loose ends of myself.

Some types of therapy do have clients "rewrite" a different ending I think.
I also think, if a part of us has been left behind in trauma for so long with no comfort and no way out... like for them they are "as if" they are still there... then yes, I think going back to the beginning and "walking them out of there" would have a profoundly positive impact on your whole being.

My counselor helps me do that for the little ones that I have found frozen in those places.

There have been many freeing moments for them and a release for me, when we have put them in a safe place.

It just feels like there is something inside of me looking for that initial point of impact.

The thing that split me to begin with.

It feels like if I can find her and take her to safety, then maybe it would help the other parts of me find peace and safety.

Strength.

I don’t know.

It’s like peeling an onion I’ve heard.

That one is calling to me and I don’t know how to get to her through all of the other stuff going on in my life right now.

I read Healing The Shame That Binds You By John Bradshaw and tried the journey alone it didn't end well. I ended up in the mental hospital. Having a therapist that does trauma therapy would be a great way to go about it. Your post would be a great way to express yourself to your therapist. I know sometimes I can communicate better in writing. I am working with a new therapist and I have the same hopes as you. I just have to be careful of keeping my expectations real of what he can do to help me, help me. I wish you the best.
paisleystar

Okay. I see what you mean now. For a minute there I thought you were talking about time travel which I guess in a sense you could simulate that in your mind but, the human mind is so complex and complicated that you have to be extremely careful what you do in there even when it's just you.
I think that exercising self love would be the first step.

do you mean something like this....

me at age 38 (plucking a number out of the air , not my real age) during therapy finally discover that Rainy was the first alter that came into being because of being abused in a mine shaft on a very thunderous day.

my teleporting back in time and rescuing Rainy, taking her hand and walking out of the mine shaft with her so that Rainy doesnt have to go through any more abuse that day...

would that change everything...

my treatment provider and I had a great time on this issue. I had just watched sybil where doctor wilber hypnotized sybil and had act out holding hand with each of her alters.

my therapist said wouldnt that be great if it was that easy, hypnotize someone send them back in time to rescue/ accept each alter back...

then she said lets think about this... what trauma caused that alter to come into being?

.. even if we would teleport back in time, even if we could actually hold hands with someone that is not a physical being but a mental being with in our own minds, even if we could go back and rescue them the trauma would have still happened, other wise there would not have been a rainy to go rescue..

so if rainy wasnt created who would have experienced the trauma .... either me or another alter.

our debate on this issue ended with even if I was able to teleport back in time and rescue rainy it would not have changed anything because the abuse still happened either I or another alter would have still gone through the abuse.

I never found ground zero (where and when the abuse first happened or as some people call it the core event/ core alter) but in me I did not have to, my alters just naturally integrated as their sense of agency was no longer needed. I was no longer an under 5 year old child unable to handle issues that came along because of being abused. because I now have all the grounding tools, breathing relaxation and so on to function and handle my adult life all on my own with out dissociation to the extreme of alters taking control the alters just merged back together with me as one whole person again..

by the way there is a therapy for doing this mental version called the inner child therapy. it doesnt and didnt change who and what I am and who and what my alters were. it just helped me to understand the non dissociative parts of me better and help me to develop better coping tools, gave me a way to bring myself out of panic and anxiety, anger and other hard to handle emotions.

your own treatment providers can help you with that.

Yeah, that seems to be a somewhat common theme for a few in my system over the years... a lot of us want to go back and get a do over, right the wrongs, so on. We've had a few (myself included) who would daydream things like that and play that stuff on repeat with different/better starts to finishes. It actually helped L.P tons. But he's a daydreamer these days.

-Avery

I find myself doing this too sometimes but, then, I have always been a dreamer.

Ya know, I suppose you are right.

What I was curious about sounds like a rainbows and butterflies dream of wishing this would all go away.

Facts and reality are what they are. Right?