[Amyjay]

We are dealing with some pretty hard abuse related stuff. Different parts that have different jobs. Some jobs that sicken us to think of, let alone think that some part of this being did/does that.
Yesterday we dissociated our way through talking around some of these kinds of things with the T and revealed a part of us that... does things that are completely unacceptable to us. Totally. Today there is a strong urge to [violence]

Possible trigger:

take a knife and kill that part of us, decimate her until there is nothing left. We want to KILL her.

I don't know how to know about this part of me. I don't want to know about this part of me. I don't want to have to know anything else about this part of me
but I know I will have to.
This sucks. I don't want this life. I don't want to have any of these things here. I just want to live my life and not have any of this horrific shameful disgusting stuff.

How do you deal? How do you all deal with knowing ... your self?

[L.P.]

I'm sorry you have to deal with, live with, know this stuff. I know that saying it's not easy is a horrible understatement. And I know saying you are being brave and strong right now in facing this probably offers zero comfort, but it's true nonetheless. You shouldn't have to deal with this, it's wrong and not fair and you deserve good things and not all this awful.

The messed up reality is though that we do have to deal at some point with all the awful that others made us live through. I mean, there's always the option not to deal, but that stuff tends to just resurface for me, so I end up having to deal eventually even when I would rather not do so. And it's brutal, but ultimately it is healthy. I think. That's what I've been told anyway... no comfort in those words while living through it though.

How to deal? I dunno. Slowly, carefully, patiently, with no shortage of self care tossed in the mix. Understanding helped me eventually, but it took awhile for me to get there. Some days I still disconnect from that understanding, but I do go back now to trying to understand that 'I' was a child and had it not been for the things others did to me/put me through, that child me never would have done such things.

Sorry if I said too much and I hope what I said was ok. Your words set off a memory in my head of falling apart on my floor one day and yeah, I relate and understand as much as I can from where I sit. If I was a huggy person, this is where I would hug you.

-Avery

[Amyjay]

Thank you Avery, your words were actually very comforting. It is really messed up and there isn't anything any one can do to take that away but knowing someone else knows that and sees it was... helpful.
It is just really messed up. And wrong. I don't want it. Yet here I am.
Thanks for seeing me.

[kecanoe]

It has helped me to remember that "that part" was treated horribly and is still living in that horror. The things that happened should not have and she is trapped in the memory of that terror. She is struggling to survive, even though what she may do doesn't make sense or seem at all ok to other parts of me. And, she is trying to protect the rest of the system from abuse-she will do whatever it takes.

I try to tell her that she is now safe, that my body is now adult and I have adult parts that do not allow any part of me to be treated that way. I try to ask her what would bring her comfort or what she wants or how I can help.

[Amyjay]

Thank you kecanoe. The intellectual me knows and understands what you are saying. I am trying to strengthen this view so I can bring some compassion to it. We have such hard, hard stuff to face.
Don't we all?

[Amyjay]

Just checking back in to my own thread. It has been a hard week with so much going on internally. I've had continuing physical "flashbacks" all week and a constant state of sadness but I don't really know what either of them are about and I can't seem to shake of either of them. It's hard, I have a lot of work that needs to be finished for work and I need to be grounded and present, not triggered like that. I see my therapist soon but don't know if that will make things worse or better. it might just make it all more intense.
I have a new sense of knowing about something like I can sense constellations of different traumas throughout my life span and I can "see" them on the same playing field. I know I am not explaining this right. But instead of seeing or knowing about only one trauma type at a time I can sense them in space and time in relation to each other like distant galaxies. They are far apart from each other but I have not felt them like this before. Not in the same place or plane of awareness.
Maybe the sadness is all about that because I get the sense there was so much of it. And then I snap back to me and my life and going to work and going to the grocery store and making dinner and I don't know how to fit that universe into my own world.
I am just rambling. At least I feel a bit more grounded I suppose.