[TrailRunner14]

There is another thread that I replied to a couple of days ago, asking the question of needing to know everything.

It's been on my mind since I replied to it. I didn't want to throw it off track, so I wanted to share some thoughts about it and see if anyone can relate.

*** Could be TRIGGERING ****

From where I am now, looking at a fragment that I don't have an ending to.....

It's not that I have to know what happened.

I just don't know how to get out of this place.

How do I let go of it with no answer?

What happened, happened.

It is what it is.

I feel guilt.

I feel like I'm wrong and making this up. I'm looking at it though.

I can't be so screwed up that I made it all up.

It's always been there - it just wasn't so ?. (loud??)

It was more distant and gray. It was numb.

The implications of not walking away from this and just letting it be what it is are staggering.

Do I stand here and acknowledge it for what my gut tells me it is with no "proof"?

or

Do I stand here and let it go telling myself that it's just images that I am piecing together, with no knowledge of the truth?

That is denying what I feel in my core.

Something very wrong.

This place wants to be known and there is a part of me standing in between it and me.

I'm not trying to push it, but I'm tired of being stuck here.

How do you "let it go" and trust it will come in it's time?

It's like I can't let it go.

[toomanycats]

I relate to this a ton.
For the most part, I don't know what I don't know until someone calls my attention to it.
But, my mom has shared so many things with me that I have zero recollection of -- things I should absolutely remember... and so now my attention HAS been called to the gaps, and it's so frustrating and, honestly, anxiety-producing that I cannot remember...that I can't force my brain to remember.

I go back and forth with waves of trying so hard to remember -- even reconnecting with people from my way-back past who aren't really people to keep around...and wanting to drive back to my old neighborhood where I grew up. (that one I haven't done yet, but still want to...)

then I'll go on a wave of letting it go. 'cus you can only push your brain to exhaustion for so long.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

There is another thread that I replied to a couple of days ago, asking the question of needing to know everything.

It's been on my mind since I replied to it. I didn't want to throw it off track, so I wanted to share some thoughts about it and see if anyone can relate.

*** Could be TRIGGERING ****

From where I am now, looking at a fragment that I don't have an ending to.....

It's not that I have to know what happened.

I just don't know how to get out of this place.

How do I let go of it with no answer?

What happened, happened.

It is what it is.

I feel guilt.

I feel like I'm wrong and making this up. I'm looking at it though.

I can't be so screwed up that I made it all up.

It's always been there - it just wasn't so ?. (loud??)

It was more distant and gray. It was numb.

The implications of not walking away from this and just letting it be what it is are staggering.

Do I stand here and acknowledge it for what my gut tells me it is with no "proof"?

or

Do I stand here and let it go telling myself that it's just images that I am piecing together, with no knowledge of the truth?

That is denying what I feel in my core.

Something very wrong.

This place wants to be known and there is a part of me standing in between it and me.

I'm not trying to push it, but I'm tired of being stuck here.

How do you "let it go" and trust it will come in it's time?

It's like I can't let it go.

I'm sorry you're suffering with this. Something my therapist has suggested I do is ask an insider to write something down. If it's something that wants to be known or clarified, that's one way to get at it. Other than that, it will be known (or not) in time. That's not much solace for you, but maybe it's a comfort to know you're not making anything up when emotions are that strong.

[Amyjay]

I can relate.
I have made peace with it like this:

I can't ever truly "know" what happened. It is highly unlikely there will ever be actual real evidence of my/their memory being validated. If I wait for some kind of external validation before I allow myself to give validation to my own self-parts, then I may not ever be able to do that.

On the other hand abusers are invested in children not telling the truth to others. To do this they invalidate their victims, make them doubt themselves, their own reality, their own knowledge, their own perceptions, their own truth etc etc. Then throw in some DID where we have spent our whole lives denying our own truth and splitting it off from ourselves then of course we are naturally not going to trust our own inner experiences. We have spent our whole lives actively denying avoiding repressing forgetting our own reality. We have conditioned ourselves to believe it is not real.

So we find ourselves in this situation where we have no outside source of The Truth and an internal experience that is telling us it is real but we don't believe it possibly could be. On top of this, it is really unlikely there will ever be an external source that can confirm The Truth.

What can we do?

Maybe we just have to trust that we entered this world as a child of God perfect in every way. That perfect human being that we once were then had experiences.... hurtful experiences... sometimes soul destroying experiences.
But in the beginning there was just that child of God, pure and true.

Remembering this helps me listen to my selves.
Maybe some part of this will help you too.

[Michael W. Harris]

Back in 1994 or 1995, I took my Mom to a woman who was a specialist in female trauma. This woman had worked with abused females, both young and old, for over twenty years. When I first talked to the woman on the phone, I told her that I wanted her to tell my Mother that she was not schizophrenic. Mom had been misdiagnosed as schizophrenic when I was about twelve. So I took Mom to her for about three days and the woman finally told Mom she was not schizophrenic but very likely dissociative given her childhood traumas.

But when I first talked with this woman, she must have thought I was trying to get evidence to sue my Mother or something for her abuse of me. It was things that she said to me on the phone. I let her know that I was only trying to give Mom some closure on that diagnosis.

I never needed to know everything. I only wanted treatment so that my mental illness did not interfere in my career or my personal relationships. All it would have taken was for a mental health professional to support me with my significant others and employers. I needed the mental health professionals to explain to people in my life that I had been traumatized during my toddler years and explain the long term consequences of that trauma. Since 1992, I have never even gotten a mental health professional to talk to me about dissociative disorders. I now believe that this issue with the mental health professionals is about corruption and not incompetence.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I'm sorry you're suffering with this. Something my therapist has suggested I do is ask an insider to write something down. If it's something that wants to be known or clarified, that's one way to get at it. Other than that, it will be known (or not) in time. That's not much solace for you, but maybe it's a comfort to know you're not making anything up when emotions are that strong.

Thank you!

It is a comfort to have the validation that I'm not making this up.

I've been running around this for a while and I would like very much to step away from it, but I can't.

I've tried to open myself to journal about it, but that seems to be a circle of repeating myself too.

I will take comfort in your words and see what comes.

Thank you for hearing me!

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I can relate.
I have made peace with it like this:

I can't ever truly "know" what happened. It is highly unlikely there will ever be actual real evidence of my/their memory being validated. If I wait for some kind of external validation before I allow myself to give validation to my own self-parts, then I may not ever be able to do that.

On the other hand abusers are invested in children not telling the truth to others. To do this they invalidate their victims, make them doubt themselves, their own reality, their own knowledge, their own perceptions, their own truth etc etc. Then throw in some DID where we have spent our whole lives denying our own truth and splitting it off from ourselves then of course we are naturally not going to trust our own inner experiences. We have spent our whole lives actively denying avoiding repressing forgetting our own reality. We have conditioned ourselves to believe it is not real.

So we find ourselves in this situation where we have no outside source of The Truth and an internal experience that is telling us it is real but we don't believe it possibly could be. On top of this, it is really unlikely there will ever be an external source that can confirm The Truth.

What can we do?

Maybe we just have to trust that we entered this world as a child of God perfect in every way. That perfect human being that we once were then had experiences.... hurtful experiences... sometimes soul destroying experiences.
But in the beginning there was just that child of God, pure and true.

Remembering this helps me listen to my selves.
Maybe some part of this will help you too.

Thank you!

What you said is so very true. It's sadly true for validation, but true just the same.

I believe that I would like to know how to make peace with it.

Accept it for what it is and acknowledge what I am feeling for what it is.

Thank you for the reminder of who put me here and whose child I really am.

This world is full of meanness and terribly twisted people. I will trust his sovereignty.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I relate to this a ton.
For the most part, I don't know what I don't know until someone calls my attention to it.
But, my mom has shared so many things with me that I have zero recollection of -- things I should absolutely remember... and so now my attention HAS been called to the gaps, and it's so frustrating and, honestly, anxiety-producing that I cannot remember...that I can't force my brain to remember.

I go back and forth with waves of trying so hard to remember -- even reconnecting with people from my way-back past who aren't really people to keep around...and wanting to drive back to my old neighborhood where I grew up. (that one I haven't done yet, but still want to...)

then I'll go on a wave of letting it go. 'cus you can only push your brain to exhaustion for so long.

It's funny (not really) how that happens.

Things are there, and have been there for a long time. Then for whatever reason it comes blaring vividly into your mind with no ending. So very frustrating!

It's up to me to figure it out because I have no one I trust to ask about it. I'm thankful for you that you have someone to ask and talk to about it.

I'm sorry for your frustration and anxiety in trying to fill the empty places that you have found.

It does come in waves and I agree that "you can only push your brain to exhaustion for so long."

Maybe we just give it time and it will or won't.......

[Michael W. Harris]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I can relate.
I have made peace with it like this:

I can't ever truly "know" what happened. It is highly unlikely there will ever be actual real evidence of my/their memory being validated. If I wait for some kind of external validation before I allow myself to give validation to my own self-parts, then I may not ever be able to do that.

On the other hand abusers are invested in children not telling the truth to others. To do this they invalidate their victims, make them doubt themselves, their own reality, their own knowledge, their own perceptions, their own truth etc etc. Then throw in some DID where we have spent our whole lives denying our own truth and splitting it off from ourselves then of course we are naturally not going to trust our own inner experiences. We have spent our whole lives actively denying avoiding repressing forgetting our own reality. We have conditioned ourselves to believe it is not real.

So we find ourselves in this situation where we have no outside source of The Truth and an internal experience that is telling us it is real but we don't believe it possibly could be. On top of this, it is really unlikely there will ever be an external source that can confirm The Truth.

What can we do?

Maybe we just have to trust that we entered this world as a child of God perfect in every way. That perfect human being that we once were then had experiences.... hurtful experiences... sometimes soul destroying experiences.
But in the beginning there was just that child of God, pure and true.

Remembering this helps me listen to my selves.
Maybe some part of this will help you too.

My Brother, who is two years older than me and who abused me physically, emotionally, and psychologically my whole childhood, still tries to claim that it was all me. I told him of the other Mothers, who lived in the neighborhood while I was growing up, who verified to me late in life that they knew I was being abused by my Brother. These women said they tried to get my Mother to tell my Dad what my Brother was doing to me. He beat me up around the neighborhood on a daily basis. After telling my Brother this, I could hear him grinding his teeth on the other end of the phone line.

He called me a few days ago. I am not sure what his motivation was but I assumed it was about our family tree on ancestry.com. But in our conversation, I said that our parents probably should not have had children. I told him that they did not even try to parent their children. I could tell that my Brother was about to blow up. He will get violently mad at me for statements like that. But after Dad died and he was made executor over Dad's trust fund, he did nothing to take care of Mom. He said that Mom would talk about sex in front of his young daughters and he could not stand to be around her. I simply told him to tell his daughters that Mom was mentally ill.

It was my worry over my Mom that eventually caused me to crack up. I was trying to get treatment for this dissociative disorder thing that my Mom and Brother caused me to have. I was not financially or emotionally stable enough to take care of her. Just another way that my Brother helped to destroy my life.