[Weltschmerz_and_me]

Hi. I've noticed something quite unusual happen to me recently, and I was wondering if someone could help decipher what it might be.

For background, I'm a 23 year old and have had DPDR symptoms on and off for around 5 years now; mostly on the derealisation side. Long-term sufferer of depression and anxiety as well. I also have epilepsy, which may be relevant, I'm not sure how much (if any) similarity there is with dissociative stuff.

Recently symptoms have increased, and depersonalisation notably so. It is a stressful time for me currently. Anyway, on two separate occasions while in a dissociated state (once around a week ago, and again tonight) I've experienced thoughts that are sort of like new characters in my head. They're not hallucinations or anything, but it seems as if they are thoughts with 'another personality' to my typical inner monologue. They've both appeared at the pinnacle of intense stress, when I've been feeling despaired and suicidal, and on both occasions very swiftly calmed 'me' down.

The first time, I was lying in bed unable to sleep, and I had thoughts that seemed to be from a motherly middle-age woman, repeatedly saying something like "It's alright, you're going to be alright, calm down...", and I kind of imagined a hand patting me on the head softly. This and the voice did calm me down rapidly. I believe I thanked her afterwards as if the thoughts were another person.

Second time was only a few hours before writing this (the repetition being why I've decided to ask about it). I was in another state of nihilistic mental anguish, but not in bed this time. I was considering self-mutilating even, which I haven't in a long time (didn't do in the end, thankfully). Then at some overwhelming point I had thoughts that took on a stern man's voice, like a sergeant, which said angrily, "go do some f---ing work now," and variations thereof. My 'primary voice' became sort of obedient and submissive, replying "yes, alright..." and then going to do some writing. This completely calmed me down and relieved me of my nihilism. The thoughts were angry but not unpleasant; it was as if they knew I had to do some work to gain meaning back into my life.

So I presume these experiences are of a dissociative nature, I'm not exactly sure. I can't tell either if I'm just 'putting on' different voices, just like you have a negative voice and a positive voice, etc. They do seem vaguely like characters, but I can think like them by will if I want. However, there was a sort of sense of 'otherness' when they first occurred. Oh, and definitely not hallucinations.

So, could someone give their opinion on what this sounds like? I don't have any history of DID or child abuse, I'm almost certain it isn't that. Could depersonalisation alone cause this? Or maybe even something other than dissociation.

Anyway, thanks very much if you read all that. It's quite worrying especially if it continues, so some help would be greatly appreciated!

[YoucancallmeFlower]

You did not mention if you have seen someone or if you are currently in therapy. You
know the lingo and have done some research, obviously; but beware of buying into
whatever theory is currently popular. The truth is that DID is a singular phenomenon
and displays widely varient symptoms in each individual.
It is not my place to give you any opinion resembling a diagnosis. I have been DID for
45 years, but recently gained control and have lived as a single entity for 16 months.
There are a couple of things I can tell you. Only another multiple can begin to understand
this disorder. Most people can't even process it. Just because you don't remember any abuse
Doesn't mean there wasn't. Most of us are brilliant and gifted. I also write and I am an
artist. DID is a burden but it is also a gift. We are hard wired for survival in a way few
others are.
You are in a dangerous place right now and I urge you to seek professional help. There is great medication out there now and though you are exceptionally bright, you can't do this on your own. You may send me a private message if you feel I can be of help.
Flower

Hello w.a.m....welcome to PC!

I would say that your description of your experiences sounds quite the same with me. Like having a comforter that calms you down saying soothing words...then she takes over and all the pain and bad memories disappear.

Trauma (not necessarily abuse) can happen as a baby such as a mother/child bond being broken or never made....no one could remember that.

This is something that should be checked out with a therapist...do you have a T?

Please stick around and ask questions if you like. You mention the word imagining...I guess we all go through that at first...the idea of not being alone in ones head is devastating with all the implications thereof and unbelievable at first. I too thought that at first...but we are a highly curious system...and got to know ourselves deeply.

I got to go to work now, so will check back in...hope to hear more.

[Weltschmerz_and_me]

Originally Posted by YoucancallmeFlower

You did not mention if you have seen someone or if you are currently in therapy. You
know the lingo and have done some research, obviously; but beware of buying into
whatever theory is currently popular. The truth is that DID is a singular phenomenon
and displays widely varient symptoms in each individual.
It is not my place to give you any opinion resembling a diagnosis. I have been DID for
45 years, but recently gained control and have lived as a single entity for 16 months.
There are a couple of things I can tell you. Only another multiple can begin to understand
this disorder. Most people can't even process it. Just because you don't remember any abuse
Doesn't mean there wasn't. Most of us are brilliant and gifted. I also write and I am an
artist. DID is a burden but it is also a gift. We are hard wired for survival in a way few
others are.
You are in a dangerous place right now and I urge you to seek professional help. There is great medication out there now and though you are exceptionally bright, you can't do this on your own. You may send me a private message if you feel I can be of help.
Flower

Hi, I'm not currently in therapy, but have recently gone to the mental health service at the university I'm studying at, and have been referred for a general psychological assessment and counseling.

I am very hesitant about DID, these thoughts/characters have only happened twice recently, and I think maybe once today for a very short period... but before this, no whiff of any possible alternate personalities had come into my head. Also, I don't have any dissociative amnesia at all, my consciousness is whole and memories aren't compartmentalised. My short-term memory in general is bad, but I think it's down to ADHD and/or epilepsy.

You might be right about abuse. My childhood was quite troubled, but not abuse in any physical or sexual sense, and when a teenager I went through quite a traumatic experience. But it just doesn't seem like the kind horrific things that bring about DID or similar conditions.

It's interesting that you're also a creative type! Yes I need to be creative, I play piano often, write, philosophical thinking, etc. Didn't know it could be related to dissociative symptoms.

Thank you for the support. This assessment is the next step forward and hopefully I'll get the correct dx and treatment. I have a couple of questions: what age did your DID emerge or become apparent to you? And how does it feel being a single entity now in comparison to before (congratulations on that by the way!)?

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Hello w.a.m....welcome to PC!

I would say that your description of your experiences sounds quite the same with me. Like having a comforter that calms you down saying soothing words...then she takes over and all the pain and bad memories disappear.

Trauma (not necessarily abuse) can happen as a baby such as a mother/child bond being broken or never made....no one could remember that.

This is something that should be checked out with a therapist...do you have a T?

Please stick around and ask questions if you like. You mention the word imagining...I guess we all go through that at first...the idea of not being alone in ones head is devastating with all the implications thereof and unbelievable at first. I too thought that at first...but we are a highly curious system...and got to know ourselves deeply.

I got to go to work now, so will check back in...hope to hear more.

Hi, thanks for the warm welcome!

I'm still skeptical about DID, when the thoughts arose she didn't take over as such, there was no loss of consciousness/amnesia... my pain was just nullified. My consciousness is whole and always has been.

Part of me thinks I'm just imaginative and spontaneously thought up a calming voice as a defense mechanism. I can think up different voices right now and they're not alters or anything. The only difference is the slight perception of otherness, and it seemed to emerge suddenly from my unconscious. If it's not depersonalization per se, maybe it would be something like DDNOS? I just can't see it being DID.

There could have been trauma as I did have a troubled childhood when very young (< 3-4 years old), but like you suggest I can't really remember anything. But not to do with my mother, I'm very close to her and we went through my troubles together. Something entirely separate was a traumatic period of my life when a teenager.

I don't have a therapist right now but have been to the mental health service at my university and I'll be having a mental health assessment soon, as well as counseling.

I have a few questions if you don't mind:
- What age did you start experiencing DID symptoms, and what were they?
- Could you describe what it's like to 'hear' your alters/parts?
- Can one have DID without dissociative amnesia?

Thanks.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Weltschmerz_and_me

Hi, I'm not currently in therapy, but have recently gone to the mental health service at the university I'm studying at, and have been referred for a general psychological assessment and counseling.

I am very hesitant about DID, these thoughts/characters have only happened twice recently, and I think maybe once today for a very short period... but before this, no whiff of any possible alternate personalities had come into my head. Also, I don't have any dissociative amnesia at all, my consciousness is whole and memories aren't compartmentalised. My short-term memory in general is bad, but I think it's down to ADHD and/or epilepsy.

You might be right about abuse. My childhood was quite troubled, but not abuse in any physical or sexual sense, and when a teenager I went through quite a traumatic experience. But it just doesn't seem like the kind horrific things that bring about DID or similar conditions.

It's interesting that you're also a creative type! Yes I need to be creative, I play piano often, write, philosophical thinking, etc. Didn't know it could be related to dissociative symptoms.

Thank you for the support. This assessment is the next step forward and hopefully I'll get the correct dx and treatment. I have a couple of questions: what age did your DID emerge or become apparent to you? And how does it feel being a single entity now in comparison to before (congratulations on that by the way!)?


Hi, thanks for the warm welcome!

I'm still skeptical about DID, when the thoughts arose she didn't take over as such, there was no loss of consciousness/amnesia... my pain was just nullified. My consciousness is whole and always has been.

Part of me thinks I'm just imaginative and spontaneously thought up a calming voice as a defense mechanism. I can think up different voices right now and they're not alters or anything. The only difference is the slight perception of otherness, and it seemed to emerge suddenly from my unconscious. If it's not depersonalization per se, maybe it would be something like DDNOS? I just can't see it being DID.

There could have been trauma as I did have a troubled childhood when very young (< 3-4 years old), but like you suggest I can't really remember anything. But not to do with my mother, I'm very close to her and we went through my troubles together. Something entirely separate was a traumatic period of my life when a teenager.

I don't have a therapist right now but have been to the mental health service at my university and I'll be having a mental health assessment soon, as well as counseling.

I have a few questions if you don't mind:
- What age did you start experiencing DID symptoms, and what were they?
- Could you describe what it's like to 'hear' your alters/parts?
- Can one have DID without dissociative amnesia?

Thanks.

if you google your locations classification of mental disorders you will find that england (your profile location) uses the ICD 10 for diagnostic criteria.

if you google the ICD 10 diagnostics for DID you will find this 2018 ICD-10-CM Diagnosis Code F44.81: Dissociative identity disorder

"Clinical Information
A disorder characterized by the presence of two or more identities with distinct patterns of perception and personality which recurrently take control of the person's behavior; this is accompanied by a retrospective gap in memory of important personal information that far exceeds ordinary forgetfulness. The changes in identity are not due to substance use or to a general medical condition.
A dissociative disorder in which the individual adopts two or more distinct personalities. Each personality is a fully integrated and complex unit with memories, behavior patterns and social friendships. Transition from one personality to another is sudden."

reason I put this in the post is that it answers your question cam you have DID with out dissociative amnesia ... as you can see by the link and what I quoted for your location there must be gaps in memory (what america calls dissociative amnesia )

your other questions.....

what age did I start having DID symptoms.... I was younger than 5. you see here in america statistics/ demographics show for my location DID is a mental disorder that begins in very young children due to extreme trauma usually before the age of 5. my kindergarten school records documented many things, as did my other elementary, jr high and high school records, as did my medical and mental health records.

I wont go into more detail than that because you stated you have an assessment coming up, and I may be wrong but I am feeling like maybe my telling you more details could end up harming you during your assessment.

if you want to know what your early DID symptoms were and what they were and whether or not you were having any dissociative symptoms contact your schools, your doctors, and past mental health treatment providers. they will have documented any time you mentioned symptoms of any kind and what those symptoms were. whether you were complaining of this or that physical or mental problem.

to find out what your location statistics/ demographics are contact your treatment provider or visit your local libraries reference department where you will find statistical books and data on all kinds of things.

Could you describe what it's like to 'hear' your alters/parts? ...... that depended upon each of my various alters. they had their own way of being, their own voices and how they spoke and thought.

I wont go into more detail than that because you stated you have an upcoming assessment. they are going to want to know what your insiders sound like, talk about and how you are when you hear their voices. trying to go on what I have for hearing voices may end up getting you diagnosed with a whole bunch of other disorders including things you may not want, heck even my physical health problems sometimes has me hearing voices, I I have this thought of me tell you how I am when I hear the voices and then during your assessment you make like my voices (using your own example in one of your posts of how you think you may have just imagined or made up the voice. and end up getting diagnosed with a degenerative nerve disease called MS.

please try not to base whether you have a mental disorder on what you read here. just tell the assessment people how you are and what you are going through and then they will tell you what kind of voices that you have.

[YoucancallmeFlower]

I was aware very early that something was off. I adored my father and was his favorite. I could read at four and wrote my first story at six, because of him. He read the classics to me and we both knew I was born to write. He drove a taxi and used to let me ride along and we would sing all the classics and the old Irish songs. Everyone loved him.
And three months before my 11th birthday he went to work one day and had a heart attack. He died in his cab. He was only 37.
I was the oldest of three girls and after a couple of months the other
parent left and gave us to the monster.
I won't go into details but it was bad. As the oldest, I took the brunt of
it. My room was in the basement and I am still terrified of the dark. But the worst part of it was that it (the monster) was my father's mother and it blamed us for his death. I was 35 before I found out my father had scarlet fever as a child and his early death was inevitable.
We ran away often but the police always brought us back. We talked about getting rid of it (the monster) but were not cold blooded enough to do it.
So I think I began to lose my mind almost from the beginning. At fifteen I became aware of a black box that was inside my head that talked to me.
I have five alters. One is most loving and kind and one is a nightmare who
has tried to kill me and other people. When she is out, my amnesia is permanent and complete most of the time. She tried to make me drink nail
polish remover, set my apartment on fire, tried to get me evicted, etc.
I have gone for years with them submerged but extreme stress opens the door.
I do not remember getting married the second time. When my son died when I
was 32, my bad alter hijacked me for two years.
I woke up in a casino in Vegas. She had become a professional blackjack player and had a new car, new wardrobe, apartment. She is really good at
pretending to be me when she needs to. But her make up, hair, taste in clothing and jewelry is different.
Sometimes where I've chosen to live has been my choices sometimes hers. And we have lived all over the country. Same for my choice in companions-
even husbands. She would like to take over and run my life full time but that is
not going to happen.
You asked me how it feels now that I'm in control, but you can probably guess.
It feels amazing!
The VA was giving me a class 2 narcotic and I was dying. On Jan. 9, 2017, I
got lucky and a new doc changed all my meds. Without the narcotics, or the
tequila, they can't come out. I stay away from stress as much as possible.
My life has been pretty amazing, and I am happy with my cat, my work, books and movies. And this is a pretty good bunch of folks here.
I've been as honest with you as possible and revealed things few people know.
I hope it helped. I'm very glad you will be seeing someone but don't be overly
worried. Perhaps your imagination is just experimenting. You're smart. Hang
around. You'll figure this all out.
Flower

Originally Posted by Weltschmerz_and_me

Hi, I'm not currently in therapy, but have recently gone to the mental health service at the university I'm studying at, and have been referred for a general psychological assessment and counseling.

I am very hesitant about DID, these thoughts/characters have only happened twice recently, and I think maybe once today for a very short period... but before this, no whiff of any possible alternate personalities had come into my head. Also, I don't have any dissociative amnesia at all, my consciousness is whole and memories aren't compartmentalised. My short-term memory in general is bad, but I think it's down to ADHD and/or epilepsy.

You might be right about abuse. My childhood was quite troubled, but not abuse in any physical or sexual sense, and when a teenager I went through quite a traumatic experience. But it just doesn't seem like the kind horrific things that bring about DID or similar conditions.

It's interesting that you're also a creative type! Yes I need to be creative, I play piano often, write, philosophical thinking, etc. Didn't know it could be related to dissociative symptoms.

Thank you for the support. This assessment is the next step forward and hopefully I'll get the correct dx and treatment. I have a couple of questions: what age did your DID emerge or become apparent to you? And how does it feel being a single entity now in comparison to before (congratulations on that by the way!)?


Hi, thanks for the warm welcome!

I'm still skeptical about DID, when the thoughts arose she didn't take over as such, there was no loss of consciousness/amnesia... my pain was just nullified. My consciousness is whole and always has been.

Part of me thinks I'm just imaginative and spontaneously thought up a calming voice as a defense mechanism. I can think up different voices right now and they're not alters or anything. The only difference is the slight perception of otherness, and it seemed to emerge suddenly from my unconscious. If it's not depersonalization per se, maybe it would be something like DDNOS? I just can't see it being DID.

There could have been trauma as I did have a troubled childhood when very young (< 3-4 years old), but like you suggest I can't really remember anything. But not to do with my mother, I'm very close to her and we went through my troubles together. Something entirely separate was a traumatic period of my life when a teenager.

I don't have a therapist right now but have been to the mental health service at my university and I'll be having a mental health assessment soon, as well as counseling.

I have a few questions if you don't mind:
- What age did you start experiencing DID symptoms, and what were they?
- Could you describe what it's like to 'hear' your alters/parts?
- Can one have DID without dissociative amnesia?

Thanks.

Hi...after a early lifetime of trauma and abuse, I suffered a great deal of complex ptsd, too...but she was always there for every emotional breakdown anywhere.

First off, let me state for the record, I’m not officially diagnosed by any learned professional, just was a 2 year psych student myself long ago....but I know (and it’s obvious) that I’m a multiple. I don’t claim to be a solid DID or OSDD because of this...I just say DID/OSDD to be fair. I would say and swear to that I am DID because of the amnesia between parts and I definetly have more than one apparently normal part (ANP) or state of consciousness that I switch between moment to moment- a very fractured psyche- just to let you know.

I, as far as I can remember (not much) has always experienced dissociation and alter switching since a small child....all the memories for all of us begin at the age of 5...everything earlier than that is gone ( according to parents, me and my sisters were holy hell on the airplane).

My interests change....and any memory of just moments ago would disappear and I would become a different person with a different mind set, different feelings, emotions, beliefs, body movements and gestures, way of talking and manner...everything will change as I become the next Alter up. I can say the same for them. As the next alter up....our previous memories of what that alter experiences will emerge and all that I can remember will disappear.

We are co-conscious and co-hosting which basically means we share the conscious and can work together to deal with the present, but the memories stay with the alter that experiences them (confused yet? I am)....which causes very vague memories for those watching which lends to the blurry lines....but we do have full on body switching. Sometimes when we switch is slow like putting on a glove, quick where we snap to and twitch, or seamless on the fly mid sentence which is mind blowing because you have to play detective very fast figuring out what’s going on and what you are saying.

I believe I am a part that stays conscious and keeps us all “linked” to function as a singleton, and my thoughts usually are the thoughts of the others, but I am always through the other parts dictating and never body controlling. My memory comes and goes with the alter present. I constantly experience missing memories, but to me the lights never go out. Most of the time I’m just watching...a Watcher...and at times I’m in a daze. Sometimes I feel like I’m being passed from one to another like a talking stick- who ever holds the stick gets to talk, I often times fade back into the background but is awares. I most often times get disconnected from the body, like it’s not mine with no control (depersonalization) and feel like reality isn’t real (derealization).

On hearing alters...it’s a head voice kind of thing, not auditory in outside the head. I liken it to mental chit chat, or even telepathy. People have control of their head voice I assume....they think like they talk. We do too, but the other thought voices come of their own accord in different dialects, slang, manner of talking without any thought effort on my behalf...I can feel a mental effort for the voices, but the actual ideas and thoughts voiced are not those of my own....but what do I know....my head voice changes with the alter hosting and I am then them- so am I really who I thought I was? Lol. One has to self laugh at all this to stay sane.

DID without amnesia- I would say no or then maybe considered OSDD- depending on where you live.

To my understanding and experience DID has amnesia between the parts which equates to I don’t know what the other is feeling, thinking, past memories, and the essence that makes that alter it’s own unique part....as much as I can read into another human being’s life. I can feel the walls in my mind that I can’t break....places that holds emotions and memories that I can’t access that other parts who’s job is to own them. For example, I can’t cry nor laugh, but there is an emotional part that can...and they come forward to do their job. It’s crazy nuts to feel yourself laughing when you aren’t or angry ranting and just watching.

Sure we co-host and are co-conscious, but like sitting around a table in a business meeting collaborating, debating, arguing, partying, or fighting....or a mixture there of.

At first it was perceived as a single mind/life....but then I began to notice the segments of personalities, actions and thoughts= all the blank spots. They aren’t obvious to us....but they are there....the co-consciousness if it all helps hide it.

I hope that this gives you some insight of how we are living...I feel a switch coming on as she is coming forward because she (Susie) waited for me to finish this.

Hope this helps.

I just want to say hi, and to say that everything he said is true. I hope you can read that because I find it so boring and can’t even make it all the way through because it gives me headaches reading it. Anyhow, I’ve got things to do, places to go, people to see, and tons of shopping to be done...I love spending the money we make! Lol. Todaloo.