[peaches100]

***VERY LONG***I APOLOGIZE***

My parents are in town for a visit, and I'm having an awful time trying to cope with the way different parts of me view my childhood and relationship with my mom and dad! My mind keeps going back and forth from one viewpoint to the other. Each viewpoint feels right at the time that part of me is active. No matter which side I take, the others feel like they are being invalidated and told that their experiences and memory of what happened in the past are wrong!

I've had a lot of very upsetting, traumatizing situations that have arisen in my family (mostly as a child, but sometimes also as an adult). I've been in therapy a long time trying to understand it, accept it, and cope with it. But along with the parts of me that hold intense feelings of rejection, sadness, shame, and anger, I have other parts of me that repeatedly tell me what happened wasn't that bad...that I've just made a big deal out of it. This has made it super hard to accept that the things that happened to me weren't my fault and/or aren't just my tendency to overreact and takes things too personally.

Whenever my parents come into town and I see them, a part of me takes over that thinks my mom and dad haven't mistreated me. I feel very guilty for thinking so, and for feeling so much pain and anger toward them (even though I never show it and always treat them well when we're together). I start believing that the parts who remember bad treatment and who feel so much deep pain must be remembering things wrong. I start doubting and discounting their pain and memories. If the visit with my parents goes well, the conflicting feelings are even worse! One part says, "How can you be so unkind toward your mom and dad? Look! They aren't doing anything to hurt you!"

After spending the day with my parents, I go to bed feeling like the day went well. I feel like we have a pretty good relationship, and I think I feel fine. But that night, I usually have horrible nightmares...the repetitive kind I get that center on being lost, separated from, or abandoned by my family. I dream that I can't remember how to get home, can't find the way, can't reach them because my cell phone doesn't work, or I dream I am in danger or I dream that I have dissociated and wake up somewhere not knowing what I've done, but just knowing that I did something terrible). After a night of these kind of dreams, I wake up exhausted and depressed. And I can kind of feel those other parts of me that hold the pain, the ones that are hurt, the ones that I'm trying to heal in therapy -- and it feels like they are crying because nobody believes them. At that point, I realize that the pain is real and that what happened had to have been very traumatic.

But the minute I go see my parents again, I switch back to thinking everything is good and fine and always has been. I think there must be something really wrong with me, and wrong with my mind, for thinking otherwise.

I feel like I am being torn apart and don't know who or what to believe. I know people are made up of both good and bad traits. But somehow, I need to see them one way or the other. Otherwise, somebody feels like they are being called a liar and told they are wrong for thinking/feeling the way they do. If I validate the parts that feel hurt, betrayed, and rejected, then I feel like a hypocrite going up to see my parents and acting like we're close and things are fine. If I validate the parts that think my parents are great and I am the wrong one, then I can't allow those hurt parts of me to voice their feelings and pain in therapy because it feels mean and wrong.

I don't know how to deal with this! I feel like this situation is tearing me apart. Talking things over with my parents about the past isn't an option. The few times I've tried to talk to them about what I experienced as a child, they have minimized or discounted what I've said or, at times, turned the tables back on me. (For example, once I reminded my mom about how hard it was for me as a little girl when she took business trips. She replied, "When I was home, you never seemed interested in talking to me or spending time with me anyway, so I didn't think it would make any difference.")

One other time, my mom said she can't remember anything about my childhood that would have caused me to have problems today, other than leaving me with babysitters alot. She told me her childhood was more unusual than mine. My sister also thinks my mom is great. She is their favorite and has a much closer relationship with them than I do. She would never back up my feelings or memories from childhood if it made my parents look bad or wrong at all.

Please help!!

Peaches

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

My parents are in town for a visit, and I'm having an awful time trying to cope with the way different parts of me view my childhood and relationship with my mom and dad! My mind keeps going back and forth from one viewpoint to the other. Each viewpoint feels right at the time that part of me is active. No matter which side I take, the others feel like they are being invalidated and told that their experiences and memory of what happened in the past are wrong!

I've had a lot of very upsetting, traumatizing situations that have arisen in my family (mostly as a child, but sometimes also as an adult). I've been in therapy a long time trying to understand it, accept it, and cope with it. But along with the parts of me that hold intense feelings of rejection, sadness, shame, and anger, I have other parts of me that repeatedly tell me what happened wasn't that bad...that I've just made a big deal out of it. This has made it super hard to accept that the things that happened to me weren't my fault and/or aren't just my tendency to overreact and takes things too personally.

Whenever my parents come into town and I see them, a part of me takes over that thinks my mom and dad haven't mistreated me takes over. Then I feel very guilty for having the kind of pain and anger I do toward them (even though I never show it and always treat them well when we're together). I start believing that the parts of me who feel deep pain over things that have happened in the family must be remembering things wrong. I start doubting and discounting the bad memories; otherwise, I can't deal with the guilty feelings. If the visit with my parents goes well, the conflicting feelings are even worse! One part says, "How can you be so unkind toward your mom and dad? Look! They aren't doing anything to hurt you!"

What ends up happening is that I go to bed feeling like the day I spent with my mom and dad went well, and I think I feel fine. But that night, I usually have horrible nightmares. Usually, they are the repetitive kind I get that center on being lost, separated from, or abandoned by my family and not being able to find my way home...and also other very bad dreams where I am in danger. I wake up feeling depressed, and it is like I can feel those other parts of me that hold the pain, the ones that are hurt, the ones that I'm trying to heal in therapy, and it feels like they are crying because nobody believes them.

I feel like I am being torn apart and don't know who to believe.

Please help!!

Peaches

you seem to know a lot about whats going on with your alters... heres a question.... how does your system handle other conflicts...its not like this is the first time alters have disagreed about things in general or more important issues right.....

example one time in therapy I was having problems with one alter believing something had happened and another alter felt it happened a different way and yet another alter was yelling in my head it never happened in any way.

my therapist asked each a question..... no two alters are the same so how does the system usually handle when there is a disagreement. she also pointed out we had been DID whether we knew the technical term or not since before we were 5 years old. so in all those 20 some odd years of sharing a body you cant tell me (the therapist) that this is the one and only time any of you all have disagreed.

of course it wasnt the first and only time any of my alters disagreed with each other. they all had their own way of being, their own sense of agency so of course like normal children and teens there was going to be occasional upsets, occasional disagreements, and down right fighting. so how did the system for all that time from the first alter creation to my biological adulthood handle things like this....

turned out there was an alter inside who's sense of agency was to deal with conflicting situations. having to perform during intimacy with adults when being a child, and knowing it was wrong/ didnt feel right, being blamed for doing things that others did, one wanting to play on the play ground and another wanting to jump rope and another wanting to color.....the list of internal conflicts were many with my alters....

so thats how my system since very early childhood handled conflicts of any kind, the alter who's sense of agency was to do this, did their sense of agency of settling conflicts.

my point is since you are DID and this probably isnt the first time your alters have had conflicts of beliefs and feelings and you are able to know and communicate with your alters maybe you can ask inside and find out which alter has been handling this conflict all your life. then ask inside for their help in keeping things calm while the parents are visiting. (Im also assuming here this is not the first time that you have had to spend time with your parents since your alters were created during very early childhood, so someone inside must know how to handle this situation of being around your abusers)

I just tune them out and do it the way I want to do it. But of course, when the next comes out, they deal with it in their own way. Like I enjoy the pressure of trying to please everyone- it’s impossible.

But being that my parents are triggers- the butt kissing alter will come out and in the end we will get pissed.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

you seem to know a lot about whats going on with your alters... heres a question.... how does your system handle other conflicts...its not like this is the first time alters have disagreed about things in general or more important issues right.....

example one time in therapy I was having problems with one alter believing something had happened and another alter felt it happened a different way and yet another alter was yelling in my head it never happened in any way.

my therapist asked each a question..... no two alters are the same so how does the system usually handle when there is a disagreement. she also pointed out we had been DID whether we knew the technical term or not since before we were 5 years old. so in all those 20 some odd years of sharing a body you cant tell me (the therapist) that this is the one and only time any of you all have disagreed.

of course it wasnt the first and only time any of my alters disagreed with each other. they all had their own way of being, their own sense of agency so of course like normal children and teens there was going to be occasional upsets, occasional disagreements, and down right fighting. so how did the system for all that time from the first alter creation to my biological adulthood handle things like this....

turned out there was an alter inside who's sense of agency was to deal with conflicting situations. having to perform during intimacy with adults when being a child, and knowing it was wrong/ didnt feel right, being blamed for doing things that others did, one wanting to play on the play ground and another wanting to jump rope and another wanting to color.....the list of internal conflicts were many with my alters....

so thats how my system since very early childhood handled conflicts of any kind, the alter who's sense of agency was to do this, did their sense of agency of settling conflicts.

my point is since you are DID and this probably isnt the first time your alters have had conflicts of beliefs and feelings and you are able to know and communicate with your alters maybe you can ask inside and find out which alter has been handling this conflict all your life. then ask inside for their help in keeping things calm while the parents are visiting. (Im also assuming here this is not the first time that you have had to spend time with your parents since your alters were created during very early childhood, so someone inside must know how to handle this situation of being around your abusers)

Thanks for the input, Amanda Louise. I'm not sure that I have a conflict resolving alter. So what I do is talk to the child alters and ask them not to be present when I'm spending time with my parents. Sometimes this works, and things go OK.

However, at other times, I feel a child alter taking over. I feel like, and believe, that I am a rejected, disappointing letdown to my family. I see myself fawning over everything my mom does. I compliment her, let her decide how we spend our time, etc. I feel unworthy and notice how things I say aren't really respected by my family or are taken with a grain of salt. It is like I've gone back in time to when I was a child, and it appears like they treat me the same way too (like we have all returned to the past). When this happens, I usually know now, because I have learned to be more aware of when it happens, but I can't switch back to my normal adult self.

On the other hand, if I can stay in my adult presence, this does not happen. I can maintain my sense of agency and a measure of self-respect, not needing their acceptance. The only drawback is that then I don't see that there is any problem between me and my family and so I doubt my other alters.

I'm not sure how to resolve this conflict, Amanda Louise. What I see is just a back and forth, back and forth as alters take over. I think THAT IS the way that I've learned to deal with conflicting parts. I am very wishy washy, depending on who is taking charge. I don't want to be this way! There must be a better way...

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I just tune them out and do it the way I want to do it. But of course, when the next comes out, they deal with it in their own way. Like I enjoy the pressure of trying to please everyone- it’s impossible.

But being that my parents are triggers- the butt kissing alter will come out and in the end we will get pissed.

AlwaysChanging,

Yes, I experience what you do. At first, the independent adult side of me, but eventually, the butt kissing alter. When I notice myself doing it, it's like I can't stop it. But later, I realize that I have given my parents a free pass and blamed myself for the problems we've had between us. Then little alters feel upset and betrayed by me, and I feel like a hypocrite.

[Amyjay]

To me reading what you have said your conflict makes perfect sense.
From the outside it looks like, understandably, all of it is real. The hurt was real, the need to blame self in order to trust parents was real. It feels like both can't be real.
Both CAN be real.
The hurt was real.
The need to blame self in order to rationalize the hurt was a very real response to the hurt.
The parents are sometimes hurtful.
The parents are sometimes not hurtful.
Believe all of it. The struggle is real.

(I have a very similar struggle too)

Originally Posted by peaches100

AlwaysChanging,

Yes, I experience what you do. At first, the independent adult side of me, but eventually, the butt kissing alter. When I notice myself doing it, it's like I can't stop it. But later, I realize that I have given my parents a free pass and blamed myself for the problems we've had between us. Then little alters feel upset and betrayed by me, and I feel like a hypocrite.

Our butt kisser is the one programmed to tell them what they want to hear...

We can’t blame each other within...we are who we are due to trauma and abuse. I blame my father and so does every bit of the others. It’s not fair to hold another part responsible for their own discomfort...all we can do is comfort each other.

Some parts have came to peace with the situation, and some have not and those that haven’t shouldn’t be hating on those that have. I feel each part should come to terms on their own or keep their anger placed on the offender, not on another part.

Not all parts hurt the same.

It’s okay to cut off a family member. It speaks volume to the one cut off...it says you have hurt me and messed my world up.... to protect ourselves, we will never speak again...have a good life.

There is no rule that says that we have to people please our abuser even if they are related. They still are just another person genetically linked.

Some of us tried to be okay with him the last time....but he triggered us with just a verbal tone like I was 10 years old again....that flew us into a rage once we came too.

For our system serenity...we have chosen to cut all ties with our abuser/father. The last I remember...we told him that we have DID...and Google it, good-bye.

Us first....

[kecanoe]

One thing that helps me as I travel along the path to serenity is accepting that sometimes the "pleaser" parts will show up and fawn on people. Sometimes I will be better able to hold boundaries. As long as the pleasing parts do things like you describe-complimenting, letting them make decisions about where to eat, things that don't involve abuse-I'm ok with them reacting that way. They are little and that is all they know. Like you, I suggest that the littles don't need to be present in stressful situations, but I also figure that it isn't going to make a whole lot of difference if we go to the mall instead of golfing. No need to beat my self up for not staying adult-that is rarely helpful anyway.