[elevatedsoul]

I just want this to stop.. but i cant make it stop.

I was moving forward, but seem instead of healing i just shut out parts to "do what im supposed to do"

Bad move... all is well, and then it collapsed. I couldnt maintain the farse..
I had to quit the job... then not many days later i wrecked and completely totalled my car.. how i was not hurt is beyond me.. i just left my mind and next thing i knew i was crashing.


Now the illusion has been broken again. I am broken again.. internal chaos ensues..
The unmanageable doubts and conflicting/contradicting beliefs and thoughts are at full speed.
Who am i..? What am i doing here... why did it all fall apart..?

Suicidal thoughts seem constant.. equally throbbing are thoughts that i can do this and be ok. But no visual or vision manifesting on possible solutions.
I feel void... what is this outter shell of a human supposed to do?

Homeless staying with my uncle due to the triggering chaos at my dads.
No car.. feeling weak and incapable.


Why cant i pull it together and get my inside functioning in cooperation once more?
I am frozen... unable to move, fear.. but no fear nor afraid. I am nothing.. but i am many, just wishing a world to find security and have my place and purpose.

How does one manage the ever draining screaming of inner desires and fears..
Happiness does not exist, it is ones ability to create inertia movement in the direction of safety and prosperity.

I dont know what i am to do.. just wish i could make the inside stop so i can make things ok and safe on the outside...

To loathe, hate,admire, and love oneself...


I have cut everyone out of my life besides my 1 cousin and doctors...

Maybe not being able to identify and relate to ones own feelings is a good thing

I am lost


[Trigger] why cant i just die and all of this pain end..]

[Laurel1562]

Elevated, the only thing I can say to you is hang in there. It can always get better!

[elevatedsoul]

I am trying...

I just can't see past my nose once again

i am confused again... lost.. feel a lack of direction.. desire.. needs..
I dont understand again.. nor know what to do and just want to hide in a deep cold dark place to enjoy quiet solitude until the beautiful end

such is life..

Time distortion and memory warps disallow the satisfaction ☹

I am just so tired, 28 years is too long to fight
also realized i would be 29 this year.. gee..
How...?

[elevatedsoul]

Just to add; i am also sober.. save for the occasional relapse... but sobriety isnt helping, just less to live for 😞

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

Just to add; i am also sober.. save for the occasional relapse... but sobriety isnt helping, just less to live for 😞

just letting you know I read your thread...

ummm

suicidal, falling apart, life being un manage able.... sorry crisis situations we cant do anything about, for that you will need to contact your treatment providers... there is also a gray box at the bottom of the page with addresses and phone numbers to call for help with crisis situations.

homelessness..... you not living on the streets, you have a roof over your head, you live with your uncle, so technically you are not homeless. the building you live in may not be something that you own yourself, but you do have a place to live, just like millions of other people who are renting a room in apartments and homes owned by other people.

my point look at the positives... you are .....not..... homeless and with out help. it may feel like it but unlike those who really are homeless you have a bed, meals a roof over your head and relatives you can live with and according to you your uncles place is better than living with your parents.

this is going to be hard for you to hear ((((Elevated)))) but to me it looks like you are back in your cycling again. with your mental disorders. contact your treatment providers so that they can help you get stabilized again.

we cant do anything about your crisis situations. All we can do is tell you if we are having or have had the same problems that you are and what we have done for it....

when i start my cycling through my mental disorder problems again I contact my treatment providers so that they can help me get stabilized again. I also enter treatment facilities when my cycling through my problems reach the point of crisis (suicidal, falling apart, helplessness, appearing to be helpless when Im not actually helpless and believing in things that are not true )

I'm sorry that I cant offer you any more but this site doesnt allow for crisis situations other than pointing each other to their treatment providers.

[elevatedsoul]

Im ok..
Not really asking for help; just maybe trying to reach out for understanding to ground myself in some manner to feel as though everything is not fake and that im not alone nor the only "real?" Person in this paradox?

I dont have a bed... none of my stuff.. and cant stay here.. just crashing for a few days was hoping i would figure things out but i guess im just gonna go back to dads where i also dont have a bed anymore... cant burden these people as they struggle enough and have been kind letting me stay this long



I just keep flipping and im so tired of it. Hate my world changing so many times in 1 day... but its ok, as long as i dont impulsively act on any bad thoughts or feelings i will be fine..

I know its the borderline part that keeps me from seeing over the hills and through the valleys. Being all the way 1 way or the other or being utterly empty and numb and struggling to feel inbetween...

But i am really just so exhausted and want a life.. but im concerned ill always be like this no matter what accomplishments or success i achieve 😞

Sorry for my usual ramblings... im just not together right now and guess i thought it was a good idea to post

In our pits it takes great courage to rise again...as you did and will have done again. We all have. Each time is a learning lesson...an accident is an accident: unplanned, unavoidable with no real control of the situation out of no where. It’s really not your fault...personally because we are all mentally challenged regardless what the law says, take some comfort in that...we already know that.

Life is bumpy...especially ours (everyone)...but we want to win as a unit...so for success we limit the triggers...live a regimented simple routine life with the least amount of surprises as possible. Sure we fail and go nutso...but we go for winning the only way we know possible.

You did great and had a fall back...don’t beat yourself up over it even though that’s what we do. You can change your life patterns...I did.

It’s not easy, but yet not impossible. Wishing you the best hon...hoping for your safe return from personal purgatory.

[elevatedsoul]

I have grown cold. Emotion is useless, people are dead to me.
I want nothing, yet no choice but to continue? For any other option would be wrong; in the eyes of people.

Such is life, the cold silince within is the only truth. The rest is a sham..

But i am fine, curious to see the next attempts at making purpose in life when nothing really matters

what a strange sensation... to not care completely

i feel nothing at all, besides pain when initiated. which only confirms my wakefulness and eliminates suspicion of dream states

i enjoy the quiet of solitude, people make me sick... in search of my isolation, my true companion; solutide