i want to be different

i feel so like crushed by all the other alters and even the host. we don't know a lot about Kitty yet so no stuff there. but Sam, Beyond, and Kevin are all guys and they dont care about clothes at all! i just want to be different from them and get dressed up in something poofy and girly...but i cant. i want to meet people and be able to talk about me and what i like not just pretend to be Sam. i really want to express myself and not confuse people because they're used to seeing someone else. Sam doesnt want me to because he doesn't want anyone to know whats going on. and i kinda feel bad for him because he's already trans and none of his friends or family offline like that about him. its just not fair though. i don't want to be Sam I want to be me and i want everyone to know i'm me!

you are you already

heres a question to think about, I dont necessarily need an answer.

dissociation to the extreme of having others in one body is one of those things that dont happen suddenly. its one of those life time things, starting at a very young age (before the age of 5 in my locations mental health statistics/ demographics that treatment providers report to the state health department and on government required reports/ census) and continues until all are integrated back into one whole personality.

I take it that you are not sam. beyond, kevin and kitty (other wise you would not have mentioned them and how they are vs how you are) so all these years from before 5 yrs old on up how were you different... I mean did you all talk the same, using the same language, same sentence structure, words, tones... did you all do the exactly the same sense of agency (what your jobs, purpose, reason for being created are, what you can and cant do to help take care of everything that you do, what causes you to come out and take care of things that need to be done....and much more)

you see in DID systems everyone is important and everyone has their own ways, their own distinctions from each other even though they reside inside the same body....

example even though rainy lived inside my body and I obviously did not have a 4-5 year old body as an adult she still had her own distinctions that made her who and what she was. Why she wasnt thelma, these distinctions were what made her different than any of the others and why she was called a dissociative alter by treatment providers.

the bottom line is if you didnt have these distinctions from the others you would not be there in the way that you are doing what ever you do for you and everyone. if you were not different than the others then you would be integrated into one whole person again...

these distinctions for you and the body that you are in may not be clothing and material things.....

Example......I know my alters distinctions was not focused on clothing because my system followed the abusers code of do not tell, which meant dont call attention to ourselves by dressing different and all those materialistic ways. our system in order to survive had to be much deeper than clothing, nail polish, make up and other materialistic ways.

we instead had to be cunning, swift, hyper aware of dangers, great at school so as to not call attention to failing grades.... anything that did not point to the fact that the abuse happened and the alters were there. our system had to protect and hold the secrets of abuse at all costs. in order to do that we had to have a special and deeper kind of system then looks, clothing....

maybe your distinctions goes much deeper than the materialistic things, for what ever was needed for you to survive.

I bet if you sit down and think about this you may actually find many distinctions that keep you apart from all the others, makes you, who and what you are that ..........is ...........different and separate from the others.

You know, we’re a lot like you....trapped in the wrong body and having to play by their rules....but mostly of because for safety reasons and the guys don’t want to get embarrassed. But it’s only fair that we girls get some out time to...so we worked out a schedule where the guys go to work and be public and we females get to do the home scene. Of course, we have to be somewhat presentable being that we live in an apartment building and own a dog that pees outside. We are much older now and dress clothes don’t mean so much, but we still like shaving and cleaning up this body....after all, someone has to clean up the messy body and apartment.

Guys are proud and never want to show a slight chance of weakness....

Have you asked them if they can let you have a scheduled bit of time to yourself that’s supervised at first? It’s a comfort level thing that takes them time to adjust, to. If they do...don’t go crazy at first and buy a bunch of dresses and make-up experimenting....we did and that turned into an inner fight that lasted a while....but a compromise was achieved with rules attached. Just have to approach it slowly and be sure to make sure if it’s okay with them if they do. (When we just front out of spite-we fight).

We get to go shopping, but have to try to act like a guy....so I get that...having to deal with all the looks are bad enough especially in this ape suit (omg that’s so funny!).

Anyhow....just got to ask. Have you tried?

Oh GOD yes, totally relate to this. We are so tightly bound up about other peoples 'perceptions' and them 'finding out' things about us that its strangulating. We have lots and lots of 'quiet' differences and some more glaring ones as I am sure you do too.

Working on freeing ourselves up more now to also include a few materialistic things though. Our body is female so that probably gives us more room to move from a 'social norms' perspective. We get our nails done regularly and take turns choosing the colours. That started out a few years ago as Kate's special thing really, she was really craving her independence. She'd pick bright bold colours and sparkles then we'd freak out about standing out. But we actually got lots of positive comments and she felt a necessary sense of freedom. Now we all recognise the importance of 'physical' self expression a bit more and sparkles are a must have, but there is also still a lot of fear there; its baby steps.

“Social norms” ... gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr