[Fuzzybear]

This is what I learnt with parental units. And also in therapy.

There is no point in having any needs because they will never be met anyway. And having needs makes me.... insert negative blaming words ...

But I was/am also ambivalent..

Can anyone relate?

I’m sorry if this is in the “wrong” place.

[Skeezyks]

What I have come to understand, in my own case, is that I had two choices with regard to what I needed. (I say "had" rather than "have" because, at this point, I'm too old to worry about any of it.) On the one hand I could have said... this is what I need for me & screw anyone who doesn't like it or can't accept it. On the other hand I could have just gone along with whatever the significant people in my life wanted & tried to make the best of it.

Mostly I did the latter. (Not that I did it at all well. But that's what I did. Unfortunately I also did a lot of damage along the way trying to just go along & make do.) I recall, while speaking with one particular therapist years ago, I said... I know what my options are. I just don't like any of them. So I guess the bottom line, for me, is that I was the only person who was really concerned about what I needed; & it was my choice. I wish I had come to understand that earlier in life.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

This is what I learnt with parental units. And also in therapy.

There is no point in having any needs because they will never be met anyway. And having needs makes me.... insert negative blaming words ...

But I was/am also ambivalent..

Can anyone relate?

I’m sorry if this is in the “wrong” place.

yes sometimes I have mixed feelings too (your word ambivalent) in regards to getting my needs met.

what I have learned is that since I am an adult not a minor its up to me to meet my needs, its others responsibility to meet my needs.

how I do that is sit down and figure out what I am needing at that moment and how I can meet that need....

example if I have a need for someone to act like a parent with me I sit down and write out ways I can parent myself.

another example... if I have a need for my treatment provider to treat me like a needy child I know thats an unreasonable need because I am not my treatment providers child, I am their client. they also dont have the parental bond with me to just know when I need something from them.

instead I sit down and write on what I am feeling that I need and whether that is something that my treatment provider can with in the scope of their job do ...........with.............me, not for me like a parent but ......with..........me.

A therapist job isnt to treat me like their child dependent upon them. their job is to help me become self nurturing, self reliant, an independent adult capable of handling my own problems. I try and keep this in mind when I feel like that needy child.

Just today in therapy I told my therapist ...I feel like a child needing something. my therapist said to me ...well sorry forgot to put in my all knowing third eye can you tell me what you need? and I said I need someone to hold me and tell me what to do. she said I cant tell you what to do, I can help you look at the pros and cons and you decide what you need to do. Then she sat there waiting for me to .......ask....... I found my words and said I am going to wrap up in this blanket and just sit, will you come sit with me for a bit and hold me. She said now that you have asked yes I can do that with you. then we sat there for a few minutes quietly, then together while still sitting this way talked through the pros and cons of the situation and then I told her what I felt I needed to do about it.

((((((Fuzzy ))))))) I am sorry you have had such a rough road with treatment providers. maybe you can find one that you will be able to get your needs met, not by the therapist giving them to you, but by the two of you working together in a way that you will be able to meet your own needs.

in the mean time maybe you can sit down and write out what your needs are and pick a few that you can do for yourself and see how that goes.

[Michael W. Harris]

My Mom denied me all the rights that are supposed to be inherent for humans. She was so obsessed with her Mother and Sister that she vented those feelings on me.

My Nana was a second child, so you can understand why she would not tolerate Mom abusing her younger sisters. Nana must have been severe on Mom. Because of the sick dynamic of that family any chance that I would be a normal person was destroyed by the time I was five.

Mom had the philosophy that sibling hazing/abuse was normal. She started telling me that it was normal for my two-year older brother to pick-on me when I was about two to two and one-half. By the time I was five I was programmed to accept the abuse as normal. She took away my right to get mad a being constantly "mistreated" and all I could feel was grief.

I realized by the time that I was five that Mom and Dad would not interfere in my relationship with my brother so I began to internalize my feelings. I now know that I went though my childhood in a semi state of shock. I absolutely did not develop emotionally or psychologically like normal humans do. (My brother was a sadist relative to me.)

As an after thought: All it would have taken for one of my parents to help me, was for one of them to talk to me about my relationship with my brother. If they had gotten me to remove my feelings from him (I loved him.), I would not have been so emotionally damaged by his physical, emotional and psychological abuse. Of course there would have been the possibility, once I understood what my brother was doing to me, that I would have killed him.

It never entered Mom's brain that I would be made mentally ill from being abused by my older brother! It never entered her brain that toddlers are not supposed to be abused by anyone or anything! It also never entered her brain that the odds of her genetic lineage surviving would be reduced if she did not take parenting seriously. My brother was allowed to abuse me continually up until he went away to college.

I understand completely that parents can be mentally ill and have no clue as to what a child needs. We need to promote adults to read parenting books, many books, before they have children.

I understand.

[Amyjay]

I suppose what I learned growing up was that I don't need anything or anyone. "Needs" sure as heck weren't met. The overall strategy of my system seems to be that the easiest way to live with that is not to have any.
It is much easier to live with no one helping loving or supporting you when you don't need anyone to do that.

It is not even a consideration that we could have a "need" that another person could do anything with. If we "need" something it wouldn't enter my head that there would be any person that could help with that. I don't want anything from anyone because that isn't even a thing that can happen.
If I have a need we take care of it ourselves or we exist without that.

Life is much simpler that way.

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

This is what I learnt with parental units. And also in therapy.

There is no point in having any needs because they will never be met anyway. And having needs makes me.... insert negative blaming words ...

But I was/am also ambivalent..

Can anyone relate?

I’m sorry if this is in the “wrong” place.

I have a need to have a real, loving mommy

but like that's going to happen

you can't choose your family.. my mom will always be the same person