Afraid Of Integration

I was afraid of integration when I was in therapy,mostly because I wasn't really sure what it was,what it meant and how it worked.I thought it meant getting rid of insiders or killing them off and I felt like it would somehow change me into someone or something I didn't want to be.I was afraid I would lose who I was,afraid I would forget where I came from,what my life was,etc.

It didn't matter how much my therapist talked to me about it or tried to explain what it was,since I couldn't imagine what it would be like,couldn't imagine how I could be any different or my life could ever be different since I never knew anything different I just couldn't fathom what it would be like or what it even was.And I was afraid .

Are you afraid of it?What are your fears about it?

Yeah, I’m pretty bugged about it. There are something’s I don’t want to know that the Others have done. I mean I know somethings, I just don’t want to KNOW somethings.

you are not alone. I had the same fears.

This is what fueled my search for answers beyond the typical everything is going to be ok, they dont die and all that. I had this all consuming need to know exactly what physically and mentally what was going to happen.

I can understand that.There are things my alters said and did that still make me cringe.I try to remind myself that it's not like I could help what was happening and it's not like I wanted to be or chose to be DID.

Yeah,me too

Glad to know I am not the only one who felt they had to know.

I integrated 7 years ago. The hardest part was getting used to the silence. The best part was having continuous memory for the first time in my life. I own myself, finally. I still have trauma to resolve but my integrated self is solid. I can bear the memories without fragmenting. 25 years ago I went into treatment so fragmented I lost whole weeks. It was a step by step process to get parts to talk, coordinate with each other, problem solve as a collective unit, then collectively agree to integrate. It was a natural process.

Hi there.It's good to meet someone else that's integrated,there's a few of us now.

Did you have any fears of integration beforehand?

I am not afraid of integration at all and I can see how it is just a "process". I am by no means integrated but I can see how during the course of therapy me and my crew have moved towards integration just by becoming aware of and learning about each other. Now we can share some of each others stories, we can communicate with some parts of us better, we are learning about our joint history and lifetime of experiences that lead to us becoming... us. Some of us (me) are beginning to be able to see and understand the process of dissociation within us and how it all unfolded. How it was necessary. I am also aware of other parts of us who are still very much stuck in a sense of experiencing all other inners ones as "not-me". And I can see why that is, why they need that. And I can see how this process of me learning and seeing and understanding about all of the parts of us (me) IS the process of "integration".

I am not afraid of it at all. I very much want it for me and...them. Us.

It sounds like you have really made much progress in your journey.

It's good to read you're not afraid at all.I think I could have progressed at a faster rate if it hadn't been for my fears.

I'm sure many can relate to your fears, Betty_Banana, as they have already shown in this thread. You're definitely not alone in this. Do you still have the same fears or have you been able to fight them? If it's the former, don't worry, I think it's perfectly normal and I'm sure you'll feel better at some point, so just try your best in therapy like you're already doing. Please don't give up. If it's the latter, congratulations! Be proud of yourself. Sending many hugs to you

I started this thread mainly just to try to get some discussions going about integration.There's lots of threads/posts about dissociative disorders and DID but not very many about integration.

I just wanted to share the fears I had before reaching full integration,I guess mostly to not only let others know that a person can heal from it but that it's pretty common to be fearful of the unknown beforehand.

There's not much info anywhere about integration at all And the stuff that is out there can be pretty scary to read and misinformation that just adds more fear.

But yeah,just trying to get people here talking and sharing.Thanks for the hugs btw.

I am still really at the beginning stages of it, gathering the workers, so to speak. We have only skimmed across the top of the hard stuff so far and we will see how much this bravado can bear when those gathering storm clouds draw nearer, I suspect.

What I mean is: I get the theory. It all makes sense to me and can see why and how and what needs to happen to bring it all back together again.

...but I have never been down in the trenches before.