[ReveuseTroublee]

This makes me feel so stupid and doubting everything. My brain feels like a sieve.
I am so embarrassed of myself, apparently I was moving lots yesterday, but I don't know about that anymore. I know nothing. I am dumb. I just never realized it. It must be my fault. I want it to be my fault.
Also why did she show me photos, I can't relate to them. I can not even say how old I was in the pictures, when it was taken. Idk. I just thought I could do it back then.

It is odd.
Idk what I am doing wrong, probably making things up.
It hurts.

[Breaking Dawn]

Not doing well with the voices most of the time recently, but am ok at this moment. I do feel/see that light at the end of the tunnel. So glad to be here!!

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by ReveuseTroublee

This makes me feel so stupid and doubting everything. My brain feels like a sieve.
I am so embarrassed of myself, apparently I was moving lots yesterday, but I don't know about that anymore. I know nothing. I am dumb. I just never realized it. It must be my fault. I want it to be my fault.
Also why did she show me photos, I can't relate to them. I can not even say how old I was in the pictures, when it was taken. Idk. I just thought I could do it back then.

It is odd.
Idk what I am doing wrong, probably making things up.
It hurts.

I'm so sorry.

[ReveuseTroublee]

I don't know where this fits. I am spending the night outside and watching the night sky. I am at peace... For once I am not struggling with urges, destroying my ears with loud music, sitting for hours locked in a bathroom, panicking or moving non-stop. I feel safe.
♡

Amazing... Well... Being outside at that time with Covid is not legal.
Just happy I made it back home.
Don't know what to think about this.
Can't sleep like always, tempted to study.
No idea what that was or what is going on.
Trying to just laugh it off and pretend it did not happen.
It was so hard to maneuver myself out of this.

[ReveuseTroublee]

It is 4 PM I got nothing done so far. I am confused and still in pain.
I am angry at myself for losing it yesterday.
I kinda hoped it was just a bad dream, but noticed quickly it was not after waking up.

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by ReveuseTroublee

I don't know where this fits. I am spending the night outside and watching the night sky. I am at peace... For once I am not struggling with urges, destroying my ears with loud music, sitting for hours locked in a bathroom, panicking or moving non-stop. I feel safe.
♡

Amazing... Well... Being outside at that time with Covid is not legal.
Just happy I made it back home.
Don't know what to think about this.
Can't sleep like always, tempted to study.
No idea what that was or what is going on.
Trying to just laugh it off and pretend it did not happen.
It was so hard to maneuver myself out of this.

God bless you!! Please keep hanging on!! We care about you!! You are going through a very difficult moment in time. It will get better, I hope pretty soon.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

God bless you!! Please keep hanging on!! We care about you!! You are going through a very difficult moment in time. It will get better, I hope pretty soon.

Thank you, I am just very confused and overwhelmed lately... Yesterday was also hard. I was struggling to control the way I moved, so my gaight must have looked funny which is nothing new but somehow I did not really care maybe?
I was trying to keep it together. I kinda went to the general hospital I used to be treated in. I somehow sat there and tried to remember.
People were around. I somehow wanted to remember them as good, the medical staff mostly. So I sat there and I still do enjoy seeing people happy so I was glad that did not go away. I was kinda making piece with everything. I just wanted to not hold any grudges for whatever would happen. I wanted everybody to appear like a white sheet, maybe but mostly just really see them without being scared and feeling like they are making the decisions for me. Maybe I hoped they would talk or comfort me but I did not want tp risk anything. The likelihood of not being believed (still struggle to believe myself either but try to be understanding to stay safe) was low and the panic and wanting to be 'handed all the memories back' by something just does not work no matter what I do.
I kinda also felt compelled to kinda make myself end up in bad places and make bad, haunting experiences to maybe have enough finally. Idk I guess I am angry and a ****** person a lot. It was just hard to keep myself safe that day. Idk how I did it. There was so much that could have went wrong or happened. Also I now know that most bad stuff that lead to hospitalisation or happened there happened in that state.
I was still scared though because I was in pain after that relapse which I think is now from stretching my back a lot.
But I was so out of it I just felt like I am in pain I must have done something wrong. What if, what if, what if? That made me go insane.
Yeah, I do contortion - it is one of these things - 'if I don't bend I break' but it is like not my main discipline which I did not get to practice or manage too which I was annoyed at for too. I feel like I never see the efforts just the result.
I demand and expect so much yet kinda don't care really.
I always feel like I am not trying hard enough but I am moving for hours just to hope to make the urges go away. I am fighting constantly! I also saw NOTHING of self-pity or attention-seeking behavior. Just someone being frightened for completely reasonable things and not knowing how to cope and what to do. The walk there was complicated because I did not know how to get there. I was just sitting there trying to process and remember. I knew it could be triggering and might make things worse.
But I felt like I had nothing to lose at this point.
I felt harrassed and kinda threatened by a voice but somehow managed not to do anything of what was demanded.
I was gone for hours. I did not notice time because I was really fleeing from something.
Still see myself sitting on a bench in a hidden area staring at a fence though.
Of course my phone was not charged and I had no idea what time it was. I struggled to read the watch. It really felt like I was not there for a very long time and now I saw everything what felt like the first time.
It was odd.
I really tried to experience things with my senses and felt the structures of walls and so on. It was odd. But also for me in hopes to not lose it even more.
I still remember people though and some movie like memories nothing like mine, just real 'they are good, I love them' affection, like strong powerful emotions.
I also noticed how I was twirling and holding my dress and kinda understood that it was a high-stress situation and did not demand to let go of it anf make everything tough.
My feeling of time is awful. Past memories and present. I try to organize it but I can't. Well the emotional stuff can't do that either really.
I just 'function' really. Maybe I am jealous of that. Like the 'I am sitting in the grass and I am happy and I can ignore everything wrong with that situation, because I trust in God - I am only scared of the dark and nightmarish fantasy creatures like black wolves I have seen in a children's book' is just not possible for me I guess.
When memories do come up it is usually like drowning in an emotional unspecified flood.
Nothing useful really.
But I kinda got some information. I asked and somehow got answers. And I was like I can work with that.
It is still very little but more of an insight to who I was or am.
No idea really atm about that.

I kinda finally took a bath yesterday, and did manage to just wash more than my hair in some time. Embarrassing I know. I also have to wash my clothes and stuff. These are things that were not such a huge problem in the past.
It is odd how I was happy when I managed to eat. Now I get it. It is because I was struggling with everyday tasks. I don't know wether I was depressed, I think the last few weeks might have been another episode. I have no idea really. I am diagnosed with all that stuff and struggle so much to keep things apart. I was really kind to myself when I did take the bath. Even though I always feel disgusted by my body and angry for the visible self-harm slip-ups and some other surgery scar from when I completely lost it with self-harm.
I was struggling until around 1/2 AM and then realized I was safe and would not self-harm that night and made it through.
Also paced and turned the music a little top loud at times and then regulated it down quickly again.
It is process.
It is just hard for me to leave the self-punishment mindset. Guilt-tripping myself is so heavily engrained in me.
Self-manipulation too.
I never hurt others though I just isolate myself when I feel don't know the outcome for my life.
I really want to have close friendships again but right now I don't see it yet.
I might be very calculating and tricking into keeping me alive but this is how I survive it does not make me cold-hearted or anything.
Other than that the fact how much I still can say about that experience proofs to me it is getting better and there is more trust.
I am kinda trying to get my life back right now. I think I lost plenty of time with that self-harm crap again and I hope for now I can get out of it again.
It really makes me go insane. It is awful.
I feel like I had another reset somehow and can now kinda try again.
Even though yesterday there was sheer panic about this stuff.
I guess I wanted to forget so badly, turns out unsurprisingly it is horrible of course also blaming myself that 'I wanted this' by just thinking about that.
I will find ways to make it work.
I am already having some good ideas on how to bring structure in my life again and right now after everything I feel like there is no wanting to self-harm left. At least for now.
Also illustrated how things would not work out if I continued like this. It helped a lot.

I don't remember coming on here yesterday.

so that is why I'm here to check

and I clearly did..

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I don't remember coming on here yesterday.

so that is why I'm here to check

and I clearly did..

This has also been happening to me more often lately. I have to check my own statistics to see what I last posted to know if I've been posting things I don't remember. The posts sound like me, so I don't know what's going on. Maybe not enough sleep & it didn't go into long term memory?

[ReveuseTroublee]

The night was okay and I think today will be okay too.

[ReveuseTroublee]

It is two days later. I don't really know what to say. I knew what to expect... I probably did not try hard enough/fight hard enough. I don't understand my problem(s) and I feel useless and worthless.
Maybe a little hopeless. Like yes, I never actively give up but I let my destiny decide/the stars decide/and related to my faith let it be decided in a sense. I will force myself into therapy at least trying/just one session at least. I am scared, I don't want to go. I also don't know what to say.
But it honestly does not make much of a diffrence anymore. I hope I can manage to call today, called yesterday but did not reach anyone. I also know I will have to lie about self-harm. But honestly that is the only way out. The outcome is the same. I am scared to let go of what has destroyed my life but it kept me alive while causing damage and danger. I just don't know wether I am allowed to not talk about it. But honestly people lie to their doctors all the time. And I don't want her to worry or overwhelm her immeadiately. I think it just is not a good start. Maybe for once I can be seen and not what I was 'made' to be.
I lack trust, am scared to be manipulated, lied, used. I know I should trust but I just feel powerless in that situation. I am just very against it. I am scared to lose control. Myself.
But don't I have had all of that happen already?
Is that not now at a point where it can like only get better. Maybe it is okay to trust her.
I need someone with healthy beliefs, not faulty ones like I have. I just hate myself because my sister does not need , I feel to dumb to cope on my own. But technically do I want to?
No, I don't.
I don't know maybe the call still can be made. Idk

[Breaking Dawn]

My life is a nightmare so much of the time. And I feel so sad, struggling, trying very hard to keep myself above the water, so to speak, & be of some benefit to this world, in any way possible. I keep hoping that I'm not entruding. I feel such a mixture of things, including gratitude, & fear. God bless all of you. I know how hard it is. I also see I'm in wonderful company here. I can feel the intelligence here, & I'm so grateful for this sharing place, beautifully designed/invented by our Doc John & his volunteers. I am going through a very difficult moment in my life right now. But I do believe I have a wonderful future ahead of me. So I just need to be patient. All of us are going to be ok later.

[ReveuseTroublee]

I can't really talk right now.
I am at a loss for words... But I am just so thankful for still being here and confused.
Thank you all for being there.
I don't know what the future brings.
I try to be hopeful, to be trusting, I am constantly out of it.
It is really difficult.
I am scared to lose control.
Typing is hard right now.

[stahrgeyzer]

Today's a bad day of dissociation, like I'm not here. It's hard to type. Feel dizzy. Feels like my head is going to explode. Drove to the grocery store and back. No accidents, luckily. In the store I kept accidently bumping my shopping kart into everything. Pissed off several people after crashing into their kart. I made lemonade today, something I love to make, but today it tasted nasty. Can't imagine what I accidently put in it.

Hope everyone's well!

[Kidfle]

Had a flood of understanding about what was done. Not the facts, the feelings. Always stayed in the facts. Overwhelmed with the fear, sadness, anger. Now dissociating. Luckily not for days just hours.. Worse thing I don't mind. Better
Than remembering.

on top of my insomnia, I currently have a sore throat

it has not been fun coughing and struggling to swallow

thankfully yesterday I got some throat sweets from the shop... they help a bit

[ReveuseTroublee]

Everything is confusing, frightening but I am trying to stay strong.

[Alive99]

Can people post here who don't have DID?
Or people who don't really feel like they have "standard" dissociation?
I'm aware of my surroundings, I just am detached in the sense of I don't care or cannot be engaged? Disconnected from emotions. For most of the day. Feeling "understimulated" but engaging and being normally "stimulated" can be too much. Also, not feeling some sensations/feelings that I would need to feel to do tasks. I *DO* feel basics, like I do feel if it's warm or cold or if my chair is uncomfortable. I can also be like my working memory stops sometimes and that gets in the way too but not majorly. But sometimes it's hard to do tasks while it's not working well.

Is all this "too light" to call it "real" dissociation?
I have these symptoms due to cPTSD
(used to be worse)

[Breaking Dawn]

Hi, @Alive99! I think this thread is for anyone with any of the various kinds of dissociating experiences. It does sound to me like you dissociate just enough to protect yourself from things that are maybe too much for you. I'm not a doctor or anything, so what I'm saying is only a guess. Maybe you're doing what you need to do. I hope you post here more.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

Hi, @Alive99! I think this thread is for anyone with any of the various kinds of dissociating experiences. It does sound to me like you dissociate just enough to protect yourself from things that are maybe too much for you. I'm not a doctor or anything, so what I'm saying is only a guess. Maybe you're doing what you need to do. I hope you post here more.

Thank you for your input! What you said makes sense, yeah, about the protection thingy.

Lol your later note, it's so ironic for me. That I'm doing what I need to do. In that case it's horrible internal conflict hahah, because I want to be functional and not dissociate but then there is alot of this taking up a lot of my days.

Someone recommended mindfulness too. Do you find that helps at all? I can't even do that, because I can't accept not being functional like this. Can't accept that I lost my old self, energy and all that. It takes so long to get it back.