[Breaking Dawn]

I am experiencing an excruciatingly painful moment.

[Breaking Dawn]

EXTREMELY dissociated right now. Very sad. Hurting inside very much.

[stahrgeyzer]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

I am experiencing an excruciatingly painful moment.

Sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you can find the right doctor to help you.

italy won the euros

I'll take that... I am glad that they won. from what I hear it was pretty close on penalties, but us winning would have sent me in to meltdown, I think. so tired of football it hurts.

raining today. 63 percent chance of rain today, now 100 percent chance (an that's gone up from 51 percent chance)

KFC later

nothing in between time..

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm better this morning. Not good but better. I don't remember writing the two previous posts. I hope I can find a good doctor when it's safe to go looking.

[stahrgeyzer]

Slept a very long time, woke up on pins and needles, too much anxiety and stress. Today's therapy day. It's still online over video, like zoom or skype. My therapist said we can meet in person if I want, but I'll continue therapy online. You might like doing therapy online, Breaking Dawn. It feels very safe to me. I'll probably continue online therapy for a long time until I feel comfortable enough to getting back to in person face to face therapy. I'm recalling a lot of memories of my mom and my brother who's 8 years older than I am. I think my mom had DID as well. Also, this lady that my mom used to babysit when she was a little girl was upset with my brother for torturing her when she lived on our block as a child. I think my older brother was like a demon... I just woke up and don't even know who I am this morning. Feel like a mixture of a child and a young adult.

[Breaking Dawn]

God bless you, stahrgeyzer.

[stahrgeyzer]

Therapy was so stressful today. When it ended I had to fight back the tears. She's concerned about me so I'm having therapy twice per week now. One thing that frustrates me is that I still don't know what I have. One therapist said DID. Another said schizoaffective. Psychiatrist said BDP, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD + some others she didn't get to verify. I'd rather have schizoaffective disorder because that can be treated with meds, but I think it's DID & other things.

[stahrgeyzer]

I love it when a little co-fronts because depression disappears so fast. I don't know how they do that for me, maybe it just comes natural for them, but I'm so thankful for littles!

[Claritytoo]

Its us we have cancer we don't know what to do. We just want to be with someone we love. We know he will be there for us. Sometimes we feel our life leaving but we were told we will live until we are 68. We are 4 years away. It's difficult to live. We just want to be back in his arms. Held tight and safe. There is a reason we were told we have until we are 68. I think we would have left already if we hadn't been told. I am trying to find a doc but no luck. We usually try to help ourselves to be strong but now for some reason we are floating, unable to get our feet on the ground.

[stahrgeyzer]

Happy Plural Pride Day! Feeling a lot better. Just morning dissociation.

I am feeling quite triggered and switchy today

not only is it the end of the UK lockdown (something that I'm taking very hard), but also a phone call I had today was quite draining and triggering and has just put me in the frame of mind like.. can everyone just **** off and let me live my life?

it's all I ask for. it's not much...

[stahrgeyzer]

I have therapy today and appointment with a doctor to give me a neurological assessment. Tomorrow appointment with psychiatrist and Wednesday I get a ct scan. It's too much stress!

[stahrgeyzer]

So glad my neurological tests is done but now I have take an EEG test as well as CT scan. This is a lot of stress that’s making my whole body shake including fingers while typing. It makes me want to binge eat or something.

how did the test go?

hope it went okay..

[stahrgeyzer]

He just asked a lot of questions and said I need an EEG in addition to the CT scan.

I know how phone calls can be draining. Sounds like you had a bad one as well. Take care.

I am not a happy bunny

yesterday for dinner I had BBQ spare ribbs, and I may as well have had a single gummy bear. it wasn't at all filling, and after I ate it my stomach hurt more from hunger than it did before I even ate the ribbs to start with- so I ended up having junkfood (strong mints, potato chips and chocolate)

today it's just very hot. the forcast says their might be storms later (and honestly, I hope their is) as it will clear the air a bit

but I doubt it... not a cloud in the sky for now.

[stahrgeyzer]

Yesterday the cashier gave me a ugly look which triggered me and next thing I know I'm doing SI and planning. I hate that I'm so sensitive. It makes my personality change and I feel like a sensitive little child comes out. Psychiatrist said just focus on the present, don't let my interpretations of other people hurt me. Easier said than done!

Today the psychiatrist added Abilify to my daily meds. It gives me a lot of anxiety thinking about taking it but it'll be nice to see if it helps.

I remember a similar experience that happened to me.

I went to see the downton abby movie at the theater. when I got to the reception, I asked for some candy and a large dr pepper

the assistant looked at me and went... shouldn't that be medium?
was pretty hurt!. I know my weight's an issue, but I don't need people pointing it out thank you very much

feel like I've lost.... I don't know how much time but some time.
been feeling very suicidal today so that's probably why.

actually aranged a call with the mental health team who were going to call me back at lunch time 15:34 in the afternoon and nothing

Possible trigger:

I wish I could be dismantled like an atraction at the funfair

then I could order new parts... a new back, a new stomach, new arms and be put together again

[stahrgeyzer]

I've also been feeling suicidal, even planning. I hope Abilify works for me. I've been waiting 2 days for psychiatrist to submit the request to CVS pharmacy for Abilify. Nothing. I called the office today. He called me to apologize.

I'm so tired of these cycles. It's a nightmare to be so suicidal & depressed for a few days to a few weeks, like I weigh a million pounds and can't do anything, then feeling a little happy for a few days. Something's wrong with my brain. I've tried zoloft, wellbutrin, lexapro antidepressants. They aren't working. Seroquel hasn't working.

I showered today.
pretty painfull, but it is done now.

it is cooler today too. not by much but it is

mcdonalds later..

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

I've also been feeling suicidal, even planning. I hope Abilify works for me. I've been waiting 2 days for psychiatrist to submit the request to CVS pharmacy for Abilify. Nothing. I called the office today. He called me to apologize.

I'm so tired of these cycles. It's a nightmare to be so suicidal & depressed for a few days to a few weeks, like I weigh a million pounds and can't do anything, then feeling a little happy for a few days. Something's wrong with my brain. I've tried zoloft, wellbutrin, lexapro antidepressants. They aren't working. Seroquel hasn't working.

I took lexapro for a bit too, and I don't remember it doing much for me either.

hugs

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm doing pretty good, but I still dissociate a lot.