[stahrgeyzer]

It said Poohbah so I thought it was winnie the pooh, which little Paul would love.

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have talked about it. Can you get a Winnie The Pooh book for little Paul & read it with him?

[stahrgeyzer]

Even though the past two days has been very challenging and filled with crying, I feel like a whole person today, or my idea of what that would feel like. It feels foreign, but warm and comfortable inside and not so much anxiety and fear.

I haven't felt any of the other parts lately. I haven't even felt little Paul. If they're real, then either they're hiding deep inside or maybe it's full fusion. I hope so.

My therapist is so good to me. She helped me today via email. We have a great healthy client therapist relationship. I'd never lie to her ... except for one thing, if I felt forced to stop taking my meds and if she asked me if I was taking them, I would probably be too afraid to tell her. I would be afraid it would hurt her feelings. She's a great therapist!

Paul

been in hospital for the last few days- really struggled with quite a few asspects... especially food and the beds (ugg!)

now spending some time relaxing and readjusting.. actually feeling okay now I've had a good meal and got some of my home comforts back

I took a shower today

getting a new dvd today too. looking forward to that

new echo is good, though I wish i'd saved my money to buy voltron. can't aford it now and need to wait

had some good food the last few nights.. not been perfect, but not making me gag or anything so that has to be in plus

sleep's been the usual, basically none

I can't believe that tomorrow I've been back from the hospital for a weekk. it's litirally flown by..

so I just saw my mental health team for the 7-day follow-up after being discharged from the hospital

oh my god, talk about annoying and a day spoiler. they just can't accept I'm okay.... jesus.
ah well: I'm going to try not to think about it, tonight I'm having pizza and garlic bread. should take my mind off it for a while

and I got you all too. gal couldn't wish for more, right?

[stahrgeyzer]

Lately I'm waking up a lot in the middle of the night with a panic attack feeling like someone's suffocating me with a pillow. I don't what triggers them but eventually they fade. But this time I'm getting a strong feeling that it's my much older brother doing it. Maybe therapy is finally breaking down some barriers.

[stahrgeyzer]

Feel like I'm shattering to pieces all of a sudden, and I've been doing so well lately. Frustrating. When it rains it pours!

I'm just going to ignore everything until it gets better and pretend it's all good.

I have been really struggling with mnemories of hospital
ever since I got back last week, I have had really bad flashbacks of it and feelings like I am still their.

it's horrible.... I hate it.. people tell me it will take time for it to go away- but why can't it be now?

I don't like it

a friend of mine is turning 28 today

I saw him yesterday and he's like oh me and a group of friends are getting chinese. not you, your having mcdonalds- didn't even asked me, chinese would have been nice too

oh well: I'm being the bigger person, and I actually wished him a happy birthday this morning. he's looking forward to the day and I don't want to spoil it for him

I also showered today.

all clean for the weekend..

[stahrgeyzer]

Feeling good except it feels like there's a war of parts inside of me trying to lash out. I just want full fusion, but feel like they're fighting me every step of the way. Often they've been doing things like moving my arm to mess up what I'm doing, but lately it's been happening dozens of times each day.

a friend of mine (or rather acquaintance), blocked my emails yesterday

apparently, after I told him I'd been in hospital, he couldn't cope with that and just moved on

really does paint the picture of the crazy unstable one who's about to go off the rails

just another reason why mental health stigma is still a thing nowadayy

enjoyed my mcdonalds..

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Feeling good except it feels like there's a war of parts inside of me trying to lash out. I just want full fusion, but feel like they're fighting me every step of the way. Often they've been doing things like moving my arm to mess up what I'm doing, but lately it's been happening dozens of times each day.

This happens to me a lot.

[stahrgeyzer]

I feel so horrible. When your little self is scared of you and doesn’t like you. Kinda makes you feel like a monster.

[stahrgeyzer]

Lately it seems like I feel like a completely different person in the morning. Feel like I’m losing my patience with this disorder of “parts” & dissociation. I’m so deathly sick and tired of voices. Been hearing them my entire adult life. Like right now as I type I’ve heard an inner female voice say three times “Honey, I’m so sorry.” It may sound strange to be upset with someone/ something that’s being nice to you but some of inner voices can be cruel. And most of all I’m tired of begging them to be part of my outer life. Like, why can’t they share the load of being “host?” Why can’t they write me personal messages on the pad of paper more often. Instead they tell me how afraid they are of the outer world and being out too long and bla bla bla bla bla

[stahrgeyzer]

So I refuse to say they’re real. Some people on YouTube somewhere say they ignored alters and DID for a long time and now they don’t have DID.

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Lately it seems like I feel like a completely different person in the morning. Feel like I’m losing my patience with this disorder of “parts” & dissociation. I’m so deathly sick and tired of voices. Been hearing them my entire adult life. Like right now as I type I’ve heard an inner female voice say three times “Honey, I’m so sorry.” It may sound strange to be upset with someone/ something that’s being nice to you but some of inner voices can be cruel. And most of all I’m tired of begging them to be part of my outer life. Like, why can’t they share the load of being “host?” Why can’t they write me personal messages on the pad of paper more often. Instead they tell me how afraid they are of the outer world and being out too long and bla bla bla bla bla

my littles made up a fun story about gary the goldfish- it's fun!

[stahrgeyzer]

I need "littles" trigger warnings lol. Anything cute like that can make me age slide to little Paul.

[stahrgeyzer]

Today for 1st time I had 3 way therapy with my sister, T & I. She was in highschool when I was born. So it was nice hearing about my childhood. Then we started talking about DID. My sister was like, "What's DID??" In panic I said it's just dissociation caused by childhood trauma lol. I'm too afraid to let my family know anything about DID. Ok sounds like I'm just rambling now. ...I didn't get to ramble in therapy today. So, here am I.

@Breaking Dawn, thanks for the hugs!

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Today for 1st time I had 3 way therapy with my sister, T & I. She was in highschool when I was born. So it was nice hearing about my childhood. Then we started talking about DID. My sister was like, "What's DID??" In panic I said it's just dissociation caused by childhood trauma lol. I'm too afraid to let my family know anything about DID. Ok sounds like I'm just rambling now. ...I didn't get to ramble in therapy today. So, here am I.

@Breaking Dawn, thanks for the hugs!

You are more welcome than you can imagine, :stahrgeyzer.

[stahrgeyzer]

Ugg, I have some kind of a bug, but I had both pfizer vaccines, so I shouldn't have to go to hospital. I took an online covid symptom dianosis, which is probably not so accurate, but the results are:

Novel Coronavirus (COVID-19) HIGH
You may have a high risk of developing the disease.
Please self isolate yourself for 14 days.
In case you develop high fever or difficulty in breathing, please seek immediate medical attention from a qualified doctor.

I feel like it's mild covid. No breathing problems, thankfully, but full bodyaches, nausia, stomach ache, headache, a bit dizzy, ringing in ears.

I hope anyone who has been vaccinate will stay *clear* of people. Please!

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Ugg, I have some kind of a bug, but I had both pfizer vaccines, so I shouldn't have to go to hospital. I took an online covid symptom dianosis, which is probably not so accurate, but the results are:

Novel Coronavirus (COVID-19) HIGH
You may have a high risk of developing the disease.
Please self isolate yourself for 14 days.
In case you develop high fever or difficulty in breathing, please seek immediate medical attention from a qualified doctor.

I feel like it's mild covid. No breathing problems, thankfully, but full bodyaches, nausia, stomach ache, headache, a bit dizzy, ringing in ears.

I hope anyone who has been vaccinate will stay *clear* of people. Please!

well... I hope it isn't covid and it's something less severe.

stay safe and let us know!