[stahrgeyzer]

I watched a movie about DID for free on pluto website called Frankie & Alice staring Halle Berry. It's a triggering movie but I liked it.

I'm living in another state in the US. Life is stressful so far. My head always feels like it's going to explode. I completely dissociate in stores and sometimes strangers in the store snap me out of it which is embarrassing.

This feels so weird typing now, like I'm far away and not even here. Bad part is I don't even know who I am right now. I have recent memories of being Phoenix.

[Breaking Dawn]

Welcome back, @stahrgeyzer. I have that problem, too, wondering who I am & feeling like I'm walking around in someone elses body. Etc. I googled "The world is a dream" today & found some really good articles. I'm going to keep reading there. I didn't feel like such a misfit after reading today. Take care everyone.

[stahrgeyzer]

Maybe this will help someone. I felt the need to post this because I've always been terribly lonely and the DID area here is very slow. I don't feel like I fit anywhere else on mysupportforums other than here in the DID area.

I plan on staying here at MSF but since it's very slow and since I recently went back to facebook I joined a half dozen active DID groups on facebook. They're private groups and can be found by searching for dissociative identity disorder in the groups search but be warned that since facebook requires you to display your first and last name that everyone in the private group can see it. The good part is that the only way anyone can see your name or posts is if they're a member of that particular facebook DID group.

Also if you ever decide to leave the groups then you can permanently delete all of your group posts in one click. That's something facebook allows. No trace.

So far the DID groups look very nice and are full of support filled with nice people. Most of the groups do not require a DID diagnoses. Some people in the groups have OSDD and not DID. A few people don't have any disorders but post there only as support of others.

There are dozens of DID groups on facebook but I chose to join 12 of them. So far 6 of them have accepted my request.

If there are dozens of DID groups then I'd imagine there are a lot more groups for other disorders like schizoaffective disorder.

So this is like a dream for me/us.

[Breaking Dawn]

These forums here, PC/MSF, are the only online groups I've been a member of. I know we don't post enough on a lot of our threads, & in social groups. It's a problem at times. And I'm guilty of it myself sometimes. I've concluded that much of the problem is that our mental illnesses get in the way. Today I am having a lot of sadness. There are things I want to do, & I keep trying & wishing. I have a lot of pain. I feel so trapped. The voices are cruel & I can't get away from them. They're bullying & taunting me while I'm writing this. If any of you can relate to this, maybe you wouldn't mind sharing your thoughts & feelings?

[Fuzzybear]

hugs and respect to all

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

hugs and respect to all

And to you, too, Fuzzy...the best bear in the world

[Breaking Dawn]

It has been so painful at times. I plead with them to stop but they only jeer & keep pain jabbing me, etc. It seems like there isn't anyone in my brain who cares. I have to endure it completely alone. I have been too warn out to do the things that need to be done. I'm so ashamed of myself. I keep hoping tomorrow will be the beginning of the change I keep waiting for. But there are breaks where I can relax somewhat & build some strength. If only I could hold onto that & learn how to obliviate them entirely.

[stahrgeyzer]

Sorry you're going through that! My initial thought is that it could be helpful to see if meds help. It's possible for meds to help reduces the voices for some disorders like schizoaffective but often don't help for DID. If it's DID then a therapist knowledgeable in DID could work with the alters.

[Breaking Dawn]

I've been doing a little bit better sometimes lately. I feel sad, though. But not all the time.

[stahrgeyzer]

Same, I've been doing a little bit better.

BTW I just noticed that under my username it says I'm Phoenix. I need to remove that. Phoenix vanished weeks ago. I feel like I'm one of the cohosts who's been here since the body was 13ish.

[Breaking Dawn]

It's good to hear you're doing a little bit better, @stahrgeyzer. Maybe your FB groups are helping?

[stahrgeyzer]

Thanks. The FB groups are helping. Lots of people with similar diagnoses makes me feel less strange and lonely.

[stahrgeyzer]

Today is one of the worst days in a long time with SI but then I accidentally came across a fb group called Snoopy is Awesome that made me smile. It's filled with happy snoopy pictures and snoopy quotes.

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Today is one of the worst days in a long time with SI but then I accidentally came across a fb group called Snoopy is Awesome that made me smile. It's filled with happy snoopy pictures and snoopy quotes.

That's great @stahrgeyzer. And being a member of many groups there, there's a good chance that can happen for you again, in different ways, when you need it.

[Breaking Dawn]

I had an ok day today. I got along a little better with the voices much of the time. One of them did not want me to write that, like you all might know I'm talking about him. But I guess he thinks it's ok right now, so I can go ahead & post this. Take care everybody!

[stahrgeyzer]

I miss little Paul coming out.

little Paul missing

[Breaking Dawn]

My voices don't "front(?)." One of them has told me they've tried to work the hands & body while I'm sleeping but can't do it. Their voices can go outside of me, as if I'm hearing other people in the room with me. At least one can throw his voice, & other sounds, into another room. So that's a skill he has, apparently, that the other voices don't have. He can "put" another voice behind me, in front of me, or anywhere, to be with his voice or away from his. One of the other voices says they don't know how he does that. When I first started hearing voices, they were only outside of me. I thought they were coming from someones radio, maybe next door. Later I knew they came from me. They were in the same room as me. Then later, I heard them inside my head. They claim they don't remember any of those things or any of their past behaviors like I do.

[stahrgeyzer]

@Breaking Dawn

I can't help but wonder if your voices are EPs. ANPs and EPs can be alters. Some more developed than others. ANPs usually cope with everyday life in outer world while EPs cope with trauma and often in inner world. Here's a good article on them:

Apparently Normal and Emotional Parts

The present academic model for dissociate disorders is based on the theory of structural dissociation. You might want to read these two articles

Secondary Structural Dissociation | DID-Research.org

Tertiary Structural Dissociation | DID-Research.org

and also Primary structural dissociation
Primary Structural Dissociation | DID-Research.org

See the image at the top of each page. For primary you'll see one ANP & one EP. That's usually not DID or OSDD. For secondary you'll see one ANP & multiple EPs in the image. That's known for OSDD. Just a thought that maybe in your system you're the ANP and your voices are the EPs. EPs can definitely have dissociation and not remember things. They can be very abusive & angry. They hold trauma. In tertiary there are multiple ANPs & EPs, which is known for DID.

[stahrgeyzer]

also it's possible there are unknown "deeper alters" which could ANPs or EPs Systems and Subsystems | DID-Research.org

[Breaking Dawn]

@stahrgeyzer, my cell phone won't let me access your links. But I did find a lot of information on the internet about EPs & ANPs. My voices don't seem to remember traumas. I'm the one with the memories. And most of them don't care about my feelings & memories. They do have emotions, though. One of them gets upset when others continue the cruelty for very long. Others exhibit anger. I remember two of them seeming depressed, & having social anxiety in the super stores. So I guess they could be EPs.

[Splunge]

Hi.

1b.

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by Splunge

Hi.

1b.

What does 1b mean?

[stahrgeyzer]

OSDD-1b?

[Breaking Dawn]

I found OSDD-1b on the internet. There seems to be a newer attitude about dissociative disorders. I'm glad to see that. Maybe I can eventually open up more about my situation.

[Breaking Dawn]

No activity here in over a month. I haven't been doing very well lately but it's a little better now.